01- A Cry For Help
The air had an icy chill as it skimmed across my bare back. I could hear the waves crashing against the rocks as I shut my eyes. Some days, the wind in my hair was invigorating. It reminded me of freedom.
I imagined the clear blue water crashing into my lungs...the need for air shutting down as my vocal chords began to contract. And then it would be over...everything would just be done...I would be free from the pain...free from everything.
I stepped onto the ledge of the pier and looked into the rough waters below...the waves thrashing violently against the shore as the wind began to howl in anticipation. The weather seemed to match the storm raging in my veins. It was time to give the water what it craved.
If anyone ever tells you that surviving something meant to kill you is a miracle... don't believe them. The first thing I remember about waking up is that I couldn't move. The doctors kept shining this light in my face but I wouldn't react to it. They were asking me to describe what hurt me but all I wanted to tell them is 'everything.' That wasn't what they wanted to know. They weren't asking me about the pain in my heart...
"Why didn't you just let me die, " I asked, but they didn't answer me. The next time I woke up, it was even worse. I had a tube in my arm and a mask on my face. I was squinting my eyes to see who was in the room but even that was too much energy. I didn't want to be here.
"Nora," he called out in the darkness? I didn't need the lights to make out the shadow of his impossibly gorgeous eyes. Of course it would be him. He always seemed to be absent when I needed him but refused to go away when I wanted him to. I wanted to tell him to go to hell but in truth, I was too damn tired of watching him go. Tears stung my eyes as I tried to shut them. I couldn't even get that right.
"Why did you do it," he asked? "Why did you try to kill yourself?"
Of course he didn't know...he was too damn blind to see the obvious...as if a normal person couldn't see that he was breaking my heart. I could barely swallow when I looked at him...each breath increasing the tightness in my chest as I tried to speak. The only word I was able to logically convey was "Paige." I think he understood the meaning because his eyes suddenly turned dark and then he shifted them to the ground, as if he was trying to say he was sorry but not sure how to say it. I didn't know how to say it either. How was I supposed to tell him that I would rather die a thousand deaths then to have to spend an eternity watching him love someone who wasn't me? I could face the other side of this hell...I couldn't face a life without him.