Note: Neil uses the word Jap in this fic because realistically that's the word he would have used.

Neil woke with a start. Tom had replaced Rolfe in his dreams. A long with a dozen terrible memories of the day. George dying, the sea run red, Miri in tied up in Bosch hands. Or at he assumed that's what happened, Miri wasn't specific with what happened after Alfred left her but he gathered it was bit more involved more than hiding in the church. He reached over and brushed the hair off her face. At least she was safe here for now. Of course who knew how long that would last.

He heard something outside their room. Before he can think he on his feet and off to investigate. It's just Aurora though pulling out a chair at the table. He almost ducks back into their room but something about her face stops him. The bottle she plops onto the table decides it for him. Whether she admits it or not the last thing any of them needs is to be alone right now.

"Got a spare glass?" He says loud enough for to her but low enough not to wake Harry and Alfred sleeping in the living room.

She glances at him and pulls out the chair beside her. "Here I think its actually the one you were using earlier anyway" she allows.

He sits and looks her in the eye when he asks "You can't sleep either?"

Aurora pours one from the bottle and hands it over before she answers " Something like that"

Neil sits down and then drinks and Aurora adds "I just keep thinking what if ?, you know"

"I know" is all he says he can't say Tom's name just yet and anyway he doesn't need too.

"Not just that either" Aurora says softly "everything lately"

"Me too" Neil admits so quietly it almost inaudible

Aurora turns and looks at him "What" He asks after a beat

She asked softly "Why is you are the only one who isn't trying to tell me how to do my job? Especially since anyone but Sinclair would have put you in charge"

"I never wanted your job" Neil says jokingly. "I've been in charge before I know better"

"Bullshit," Aurora shoots back, getting annoyed at his reticence "I saw the look on your face when Sinclair told us" It was an old wound but it had been on her mind lately. With all the shots Harry had been taking it had been hard to forget the boys hadn't exactly embraced her leadership originally.

Neil drinks and then sighs "I figured it would be me, that doesn't mean I wanted it. For what its worth I think Sinclair made the right call" Neil replied. "Given how I've done in the last two weeks I probably would have gotten us all killed ages ago"

"No, you just would have made different mistakes." Aurora says. He sounds so damn wounded now she almost winces in sympathy. She wasn't the only one in pain these last few weeks. Its half the reason they all fell apart so badly. There was a time when she could count on Neil to manage if she couldn't be there.

"Maybe" He concedes.

"I wonder sometimes what Renee thought of as his mistakes" Aurora says softly "What he would have thought of mine"

"I think Renee would have been prouder of you than anybody" Neil pronounced with his usual authority.

That's what gets her, the fact that when all is said and done Renee loved her more than anything. Aurora crumples and her shoulders start to shake. "Sorry" she says trying to pull herself together.

Neil though reaches out and pulls her onto his shoulder If it was anyone she might have pulled away but she knew Neil wouldn't hold it against her. She not sure how long but it's a good while before the tear let up and she starts to breathe normally again

"You could have told me you know" Neil says gently as she starts to clean herself up,

He notices her turn to look at him again but keeps going "You could have told me about Renee." He finishes and returns her gaze.

She blinks first and looks away. So he adds "I get not telling Harry and even Alfred. They still have the moral high ground. We both know I left the area long ago." Rolf's ghost hangs in the for second before he continues "I just want you to know if you ever need to again you can tell me"

Aurora looks back again "You think I'm going to have to kill someone I love again?" she's smiling but her tone is sharp. The wound is still raw she can't really talk about it yet. Maybe she will someday. At least with Neil she can be honest. It's the thing she can always count on him for. Talking about Renee with Alfred always seemed unfair and not just because Alfred didn't really know him. She needs to lean on her boys just as they lean on her.

"I think we're all going to have to do several more terrible things before this is all over" Neil states. "I just don't want us to go repeating our mistakes"

Aurora nods and looks out not wanting to really think about what else might happen "Deal" She turns back to him "If you'll do the same" she adds looking him the eye now.

Neil meets her gaze and she looking like there something she isn't saying. They haven't really discussed what happened with Martin but he realizes she knows there more to it than just a simple betrayal.

"Deal" he says he extend his hand to shake but she just hands him the bottle. He pours another glass. "Besides what's done is done, hanging on to the dead doesn't help anything. Better to make those deaths count for something"

Aurora nods but know its not quite that simple. They wouldn't be here if it was. Besides Renee wasn't the only thing keeping her awake tonight. There's also Alfred and everything that happened with them today. She feels a pang for Jeanette and the hours they spent dissecting the men in their lives at Café De' Azure.

"I kissed Alfred today" Aurora bursts out and Neil chokes.

"Or he kissed me" she shrugs laughing a little at his reaction

"What?" Neil sputters.

"I had to tell someone" Aurora says. She doesn't have anyone else to really tell but its seems rude to point it out. Besides she might tell him anyway even if she had other choices. It strikes her that he is probably the best friend she has right now.

"This is not what I meant" Neil shakes his head and takes another drink. He sighs though realizing Aurora didn't bring it up just to change the subject. "What happens now?"

"I don't know" Aurora admits. "it's complicated"

"Sure" Neil says sarcastically

"It is" Aurora insists "I can't just do what I want. I have to think about how it will affect everyone. That's my job keeping track of the big picture"

Neil looks at her, "I don't care what you and Alfred do and Harry doesn't get a vote right now. So who else is there?"

Aurora rolled her eyes "Everyone, how many female team leads do you there are? I doubt the number is even in double digits. I can only imagine what the gossip would be like if Alfred became more than teammates"

Neil look dubious "Who says they even need to know? It's your business and we are trained in keeping secrets here"

Aurora grabs the bottle back and pours another glass "It's not just that, Renee still takes up a fair amount of space in my head. I'm not sure if getting involved with anyone is a good idea"

Neil studies the far wall "Why though is he still in your head? Is it because you still love him or because you feel guilty? I can help noticing you said head and not heart."

"I don't know, and I don't think I should do anything with Alfred until I am sure" Aurora says deliberately "I don't want to end using Alfred to make me feel better"

Neil looks over at her and she avoids his gaze. "Is that what you think I'm doing with Miri?" Neil asked slightly annoyed. True he had been hiding with Miri back at camp but he did care about her. Besides he hadn't had anyone to get over in the entire time he'd known Aurora. "It's not for the record"

"I never said anything" Aurora says carefully. Although that didn't mean she approved either. There were a couple of reservations she had but she wasn't sure how without provoking him. She didn't want to fight with him about this now.

"No you've just been not saying anything as loudly as you can" Neil says rolling his eyes remembering the look on her face that first morning after he and Miri got together. Not to mention a few pointed one since.

She simply stares at him starts to say something and seems to change her mind

"What is it?" Neil hisses annoyed at her evasion.

"Its none of my business" Aurora dismisses formally.

"Come on" Neil roll his eyes "I think we past that mark about three drinks ago"

"It's just..." She pauses for a second and decides to simply ask "What about Fe-yen?".

Neil freezes and the surprise is evident on his face. He had never even told her about that "How do you even know about that?"

"Renee" she replies simply

"Oh" Neil vaguely remembered mentioning some of the story to Renee back at Camp X. He should have realized Renee would mention it to Aurora. "Apparently we should have noticed Renee's big mouth earlier"

"Like I said it none of my business" Aurora said but can't resist adding "Unless it might affect the rest of us"

"It won't" Neil says sourly

Mostly Aurora trusts Neil on that. He a lot of things but he's not a cad. It's just Miri who talks very tough but is also very green. That makes Aurora feel the need to protect her. That was the other objection she had to them being together. Aurora still doesn't think Miri really knows what she is getting into with Neil. "So that's over then?" Aurora asks before she can stop herself.

"Fey-en is a year and several thousand miles away" He surprised how much he means it. There had been a time when saying Fey-en's name hurt. So much had happened since then though it made the loss seem smaller somehow. Neil looks at her again considering "It was over before I left Shanghai if we're being honest." He replies finishing another drink.

Aurora still looks unconvinced so he continues "When I left Shanghai I tried to get her to come with me. She refused, wouldn't leave her family. I realized that day she was always going to choose them over me. Since they never really approved of me there really never was a future for us."

"So you've just given up?" Aurora asks still clearly sceptical. Neil was stubborn as a mule especially when it came to people he cared about.

"Its called being realistic. I loved her but for to be more than just a dream she would have had to defy her father and I don't think that's ever going to happen." Neil said softly "I went back to say goodbye and to try to talk her into coming with me but they had all left. They probably went North her father was too close to the nationalist government. They would have had to run from the Japs. Its going to be a long time before I can find out where she went if ever. I may never know"

"And Miri is here right now" Aurora added still not quite convinced.

"Miri is someone who wants to be with who I am now. I'm not sure Fe-yen would say the same." Neil said sadly. That was the other thing he didn't want to explain, to Aurora. Fe-yen had hated that he was copper felt it was too rough and risky. This was several steps past that.

Aurora stared at him for second wondering if the person Neil had been before the blitz was really that different from the one beside her. "So if she turned up tomorrow..."

"Then I might have a choice to make." Neil admitted "I doubt it though. Even if by some miracle she changed her mind and she wanted to be with me. There's still the fact we don't really have a place to go where we can be together. It was hard enough in Shanghai where people were familiar with the idea of people mixing with the Chinese. I'm not sure where we could go now and people wouldn't act like she was some kind of dirty secret. I didn't care but it was different for her. That's why she refused to marry me even before the attack"

Aurora thought for a second of her own parents. She remembered more than a few run ins over the years with people who thought her own parents mixed marriage was some terrible sin. It wasn't an easy road and from what Neil was saying Fey-en wasn't up to it.

"Maybe after the war you could go back there?" she suggested. She realized as soon as she said it wasn't likely. Even if the war ended tomorrow none of them would really be able to just go back home again. They had seen too much and done too much to just go back to who they were.

"Even if the Japs left I wouldn't really be able to go back" Neil says. "Mags is back in England in an Orphan's home. I left her there because I need to be here, but leaving her there to chase old girlfriends is something else."

Aurora nodded that sounded more like Neil. "Ah so it wasn't Miri who made you change your mind about going back" she teased

"Ah so I'm not the one you're really worried about" Neil teased back eager to be back on their more familiar ground

"I did drag Miri into this mess" Aurora says.

"No one dragged her anywhere, she volunteered, with enthusiasm" Neil said a smile creeping across his features thinking of Miri.

Aurora watched him, whether he knew it or not Neil had fallen for Miri. It almost made her smile. It also made her wonder how he could do that so easily.

"We should get back to bed" Neil said putting down the now empty bottle.

"How do you do it? Just let go and move on?" Aurora asked wistfully.

Neil stood up and offered her a hand to pull her up "You don't, time just makes it easier to carry"

She grabs his hand and stands up she still steady on her feet despite the amount they've had to drink.

"One day you realize your grateful for the time you did have" he adds.

She nods "Goodnight" is all she says in reply.

"Night" Neil responds already halfway back to bed.

Note: I'm looking for a beta for a longer fic if anyone is interested PM me.