In the gloomy town of Forks lived a young woman. Stella So-fabulous Swan. Her parents were divorced, and at the moment she was living with her father. No ones gives a shit about her mother, so whatever. Her fathers name was Charlie, and he was the town sherif.
Stella likes to spend her spare time speeding around Forks in Charlie's patrol car with the siren on. Sometimes her blood pressure gets surprisingly high in this situation, and she feels like she's in Grand Theft Auto. Luckily Charlie never leaves his pistol in the glove box, or she was sure she would have shot someone.
Stella also enjoys baking ultramodern cakes in Charlie's narrow kitchen. In fact, that was exactly what Stella was doing on the day her life would become beautifully surreal.
She was baking an onion, and garlic cake. She uses garlic in all her cakes, owing to the fact that she fucking despises vampires and they don't deserve to eat her fabulous cakes. She had just poured the raw batter into the cake tin, and as she bent down to slide it into the hot oven there was someone behind her. Stella knew this because she could feel their face pressed onto her bottom.
She was so shocked that in one swift movement she was able to fart in the person's face, and press against the oven before another second had passed. "Holy cheese sticks!" Stella shrieked as her bottom came in contact with the boiling surface. The person she had just intoxicated was Billy, Jacob Black's father. He wore a gold sequence suit that sparkled brighter than a vampire in the sun, glasses as dark as the night itself, and his favorite old leather cowboy hat. His wheelchair had flashing lights attached to the wheels; now that was overdoing it.
The fart didn't seem to have an effect on him. You couldn't really tell regardless, from how tinted his Chanel sunnies were. "Billy, what the shit do you want?" Stella fumed, her eyes turning the deepest red of hell. Billy was quick to answer. "Marry my son Jacob. He is a lone wolf. Please, or I will send bad people after you."
"For fucks sake, Billy! Stop begging me to marry Jacob. This is the third time this week," Stella paused for effect. "and I thought I had a restraining order against you!".
"Does it look like I give a fuck? Call the cops; and I kill all of your cats." Billy spat, he clenched his teeth so Stella could see his pearly whites. Billy's diamond tooth reflected against the sunlight, almost blinding Stella. "Shut your mouth! Shut your mouth!" She begged, falling to the ground hissing covering her eyes with her hands.
Stella couldn't believe she gave into the diamond tooth, and the consequence of her weakness is a date with Jacob Black. Now she had to give up her Friday night for the sake of her cats lives.