Forever
Chapter One...
"Despair"
I let the phone drop, and watched it fall onto the snow white duvet with vampirish clarity. But I couldn't move! I just stood there, staring at its spinning descent in disbelieving silence. After what seemed like a numbing age, the paralysis of my shock began to subside, and life returned to my limbs. But that didn't help as my weakened knees gave way, and heavily set me down with a springing bounce, onto the bed. I stared listlessly at the white walls of my bedroom and began to comprehend the ramifications of what I'd just heard.
I couldn't believe it, and yet even if I would, I couldn't let myself face it!
A giant wave of coiling emotions suddenly erupted from my centre, and swept through me with a cloying force that left me breathless. I clutched my chest, strenuously inhaling through my nose, and vigorously blowing out through my mouth, in a ventilating effort to calm myself down. It took a few seconds for me to realise how ridiculous the effort was. I was a vampire! I didn't need to breathe!
"Get a grip Bella!" I told myself, as I raised my legs, hugged my knees to my chest, and began rocking back and forth, mimicking the useless breathing motions I'd just discarded. But what could I hold on to that would save me and my family from falling into the yawning chasm that had suddenly opened up beneath our feet? It sounded so dramatic, but I knew that what we were about to face would inevitably change our lives...forever!
The terrifying notion shook me to my core, but I had to be strong. I had to somehow find a way to deal with this.
I stilled myself, closed my eyes, and decided to clinically review the situation. If I listened to the evidence from an emotionally sterile point of view, I might see that I'd overreacted, and was all ado about nothing. But a soft voice in my head taunted the idea.
"No Bella! You know what you heard and you're right to fear what it meant."
I winced inwardly at the thought, but willed myself to ignore it as I picked up the phone with a trembling hand, and replayed the message.
"Hey mom, its me. Just called to...why don't you ever carry your phone with you? Its so annoying! Anyway, just called to say hie and blah, blah, blah. Sorry about that, but I can't have a conversation with you if you DON'T CARRY YOUR PHONE!...Mom listen, I can't see you tonight like I promised. Jay's come down with something and isn't feeling too good. But I'm sure he'll get better once he claps eyes on me wearing his favourite nurse outfit. Stop frowning mom, I can see you! Anyway, must go! Give my eternal love to pop. Bye!"
I stared at the phone, hearing the resounding echo of my daughter's voice as it repeated the words that were about to shatter my world.
"Jay's come down with something and isn't feeling too good."
The words echoed louder in my head, and rose to a garbled cacophony of nightmarish sound, forcing me to clap my hands to my ears as I mentally pleaded for the devilish orchestra to stop. And with sudden immediacy, it did!
It took me a moment to realise I was lying on the arctic bedcover, curled up like a baby in the foetal position. I also noticed I was breathing hard again. I turned over and lay on my back, staring at the long exposed beams of the low ceiling.
"So much for the clinical approach," I mused. "This overreaction has no cure!"
It didn't matter how many times I listened to the message, or how many ways I chose to interpret it. The glaring truth remained...something was impossibly wrong with Jacob!
"Come on Bella," said my inner voice of reason. "All this overblown angst over a vague line in a perfectly normal phone message. What gives?"
But I could clearly see "what gave" and there was nothing "vague" about it. It didn't matter how sick Jacob was. Whether he'd come down with a bout of the sniffles or the flu. Or whether he had a migraine or contracted a fever. It didn't change a thing because of one simple fact...werewolves couldn't get sick.
That was one of the perks of being a supernatural, and vampires and werewolves were of no exception to the rule. We both had extra sensory perception and superhuman strength to varying degrees. Vampires had immortality, but werewolves could extend their lifespan beyond that of normal human beings. But one thing was true of us all...we couldn't be touched by any sickness or disease. My "angst" as it were, was as a result of my recognising the warning signs that something was fundamentally wrong with Jacob. And I knew that Renesmee knew it too. On the surface, the message seemed casual and light, yet her flippancy betrayed an underlying code of fear, and I'm certain she wanted me to decipher it.
For Renesmee hardly ever complained about leaving messages, yet I could detect the distant anguish in her voice as she tried to let me know that she really needed me, and that I wasn't there for her. Sure, she had made the effort to be cheekily upbeat towards the end, but this was indicative of her denial, as she obviously tried to downplay the epic seriousness of what she'd just said. I could tell she was worried, confused and probably terrified. My thoughts reached out to her as I shuddered to think of what she was going through...or what she might have to go through.
If anything happened to Jac...No, I wouldn't go there. I couldn't!
The dreadful notion triggered something in me and I sat up, wrenching myself free from the inaction of my thoughtful stupor. I had to get over my shock and do something! But where would I begin?
First, I'd have to tell Edward. Then the rest of the family would have to know. After that, I'd go straight to La Push to be with Jacob and Renesmee, and assess the situation from there.
With a clear set of priorities before me, I found the strength to get up. I went to the door, opened it, and stepped out into the narrow hallway. Then I remembered I'd forgotten my phone. I turned back and saw it lying innocently on the bed. A creeping sense of aversion for the thing crawled up my spine, and I suddenly couldn't bear to look at it, let alone touch it! The damned thing had turned my cosy life upside down!
"Steady Bella!" said the voice of reason. "It's just a piece of plastic with a few wirey bits. You're not going to blame technology for this are you?"
"Yes I will!" cried my frustrated answer. I had to blame something. "But the phone's coming anyway. I need the evidence!"
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and sighed it out. I really had to stop doing that!
Quick as lightening, I vamped to the bed, swiped up the phone, swept it into my pocket and was out the door and on my way to the Cullen's house.
The night was dark and uninviting, and the deep shadows of the forest spitefully crowded the cottage clearing. The clear night sky was moonless, yet the glint of the stars seemed faint and weak, tinting the tree tops with a lame silvery hue. The black trees of the woods stood tall and gaunt, with creaking branches that sagged under the rustling weight of their drooping leaves. The nightridden forest had never seemed so dreary!
I could discern all the familiar scents that spoke of the gentle content of my home. The honeysuckle, the roses, the maple trees, the rich deep earth. But I felt little joy in their smell. Nothing of the world around me was changed, yet my connection with everything beautiful and gratifying was tainted by a growing melancholy and sadness. I realised then that I was beginning to experience the vampire equivalent of depression.
I literally fled the scene, vamping my way through the forest with winged speed. The shadowy silhouettes of nature's growth swept by as I weaved a racing path towards the house. And suddenly I was there, stood before the deep porch that ran right round its first story. A warm light flowed through the windows of the ground floor, but all the others were dark, except for a solitary yellowish beam from the second story. Carlisle was probably in his office.
I felt a helpless pain stir in my chest at the thought of our warm-hearted patriarch. It was my pang of guilt for bringing the troubling news that was bound to greatly stress him. Yet the mournful notion expanded to include everyone who lived in that house. I felt like a kind of harpy, ready to snatch away the happiness of a gentle home that was nestled in serene peace, and whose occupants sat at their ease, without a care in the world.
And then I thought of Edward. How was he going to react to this? The passing of the years had seen a great friendship develop between him and Jacob. But that wasn't surprising as I was no longer the bone of contention between the two. The only tensions that arose now and then were because of Renesmee. Edward was her father, but Jacob was her protector. It was difficult to figure out what that meant, pertaining to their roles in her life, but through seething arguments and mutual compromises, they somehow made their relationship work. I knew Edward would be terribly concerned for Jacob's health.
But he was bound to be devastated for his daughter. Well, he would be after I reminded him of what we had always feared. What everyone had feared about the pairing of Jacob and Renesmee.
I bowed my head and briefly let myself despair. There were no easy answers to the inevitable end of that relationship. No heroic fixes to that final chapter of their lives. Why did they have to imprint on each other? Why was my daughter chained to such a precarious fate?
My thoughts drifted back almost fourteen years ago, to the last painful drama to afflict our lives. My family was still on a high in having defeated the Volturi, and in the process, saved Renesmee's life. And in the afterglow of our victory, I began to settle down and think of my daughter's future. That's when I slowly began to discern the fearful truth.
In a panic, I let my anxieties be known, and these were gravely understood by those who listened to my shrill notions. I then went to Billy, Jacob's father, and asked him all I could about the histories and complexities of imprinting. He relished the lesson, but I rushed him in my impatience. There were after all, only a few points I really needed to know.
Imprinting had only occurred between mortals, for the bond between an imprinted pair was so strong that the death of one would destroy the other, leaving them broken in their grief. Their only hope was that they would soon die and be reunited with their deceased soulmate. It was the only way they could find peace. But that scenario only pertained to those who grew old together, and parted through the natural causes of ageing. Those who were widowed in their prime had a far worse fate, as many thereafter committed suicide, or just wasted away in their immense heartache.
I had listened to Billy with growing fear as I thought ahead, and he paused in his explanations as the truth dawned on him too. The fact was that imprinting had never taken place between a mortal and an immortal, because the emotional strain on the deathless one would be terrible. It was unthinkable to live an eternity with such a loss. It was super-nature's way of balancing things out, by ensuring that imprinting would never be sadistic in its occurrance. It was after all, supposed to be a spiritual connection of true love, not an eternal ritual of emotional torture! And imprinting had been safeguarded anyway, since the only immortal a werewolf was bound to encounter was its sworn enemy, a vampire. There was fundamentally no chance of imprinting there!
No chance that is...until Renesmee was born. She was half mortal and half vampire, yet she had inherited many vampire traits. She could drink blood, had superhuman abilities and...she was immortal. How could the imprinting gene, or spirit, or whatever the hell it was, not have known this supremely important fact? How could it be so cruel?
Tears began to well in my moist eyes as I thought of when Renesmee was still in my womb. I'd had a strange need for Jacob then, sensing a peace and content that even Edward couldn't give me. But I had no idea that it was Renesmee reacting to the bond that had been forged between them. Even then, before she'd taken her first breath, she was joined to him, and chained to this dreadful fate!
And now, only fourteen years later, my darkest fears...our darkest fears were about to be realised. It didn't matter if Jacob got better after this. It didn't matter if his prolonged were-life gave him another hundred years. It didn't matter because in the end he would grow old and die, and Renesmee would be left to suffer for the rest of her eternal life.
This is what had me in a frenzied panic! This is what had brought me my anguish and despair upon receiving the phone message!
Because I wasn't ready to face Jacob's death, at any time! And I certainly couldn't bear to face Renesmee's soulwrenching grief that was bound to come after it.
Yet we all knew the day would come when we had to face this dire situation. It had always been the proverbial "elephant in the room" in regards to Jacob and Renesmee's imprinting. But nobody could do anything about it. All we could do is watch and wait.
I looked up to the stars in my pain. They seemed so cold and remote. A wilful gust of wind swept up, creaking the cedars, and hissing their leaves. My hair flared in the forceful breeze, and its dark strands strayed about my upturned face. I felt so helpless in that lonesome hour that I closed my eyes and resorted to the adolescent innocence of simple hope: I made a plea to the stars! An impossible wish that somehow everything would turn out right.
Even as I gave the prayer, I felt the sweeping winds die down, and heard the swaying forest settle. Then I opened my eyes, but the stars were unmoved in their stoic defiance...except for one. It gave a bright flash of a silver spark, before dimming to its mournful hue.
Could I dare to hope?...No...that was stupid...and foolish. I had to face the harsh reality, and get on with the grim task at hand.
With that, I abandoned my wishful thinking and forced myself to the door. I took hold of the handle and opened it. The cosy light came streaming over me, kindling the wooden threshold and the smooth flat stones of the porch. The hollow tones from the television came to my ears, and I heard the familiar voices of my family, and felt the warmth in their gentle laughter. They all truly sat at their ease, without a care in the world.
But I was going to change that, and the wounding thought almost broke my heart!
Author's Commentary:
Hie all! I'm a newbie to the Twilight Universe and thought I might try my hand at a story that's been brewing in my mind. I know it's really angsty, but it'll soften up as the chapter's go by, so please bear with me.
Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it!
Thanx!