Freaked
By Gillian Middleton
The Daedalus arrived on time with Colonel Caldwell back in charge. Sheppard did his usual meet and greet with his new staff, and checked on the arrangements for the farewell party for those who would be returning when the ship left in a few days. Finally he couldn't put it off any longer, and he went to greet the Colonel as a good military commander should.
Caldwell and Elizabeth were ensconced in her office, going over supply lists with the quarter master. "Colonel," he said, nodding politely and smiling at Elizabeth before taking a seat.
"Sheppard," Caldwell greeted back, lips curling in that annoying way he had. Elizabeth nodded and they went back to work.
It wasn't that Sheppard disliked the man, as such. He respected him for the work he did, and was grateful for the times he'd helped pull their collective fat from the fire. But there was just something about knowing that the man looking over your shoulder wanted your job that put a damper on a potential friendship. Not to mention the fact that the guy also out-ranked you and was probably just waiting for you to slip up.
It didn't make for friendly relations.
The supply meeting wrapped up and Sheppard straightened in his seat and tried to look alert and interested as the quarter master saluted and left the room. It was a guise he'd been working on for years and never quite perfected. It usually garnered him a suspicious look from the nearest commanding officer, and today was no exception.
"I hope you enjoyed your vacation, Colonel," Sheppard said cheerfully.
"Hardly a vacation, Sheppard," Caldwell said with a smug smirk. "Putting The Apollo through its paces was quite a grueling task, as it happens."
"I'm sure you were up to it, Colonel," Elizabeth said smoothly, ever the peace-maker. "How is Earth's newest ship?"
"Impressive," Caldwell admitted. "But her crew have a long way to go before they match mine in experience and know-how."
Normally hearing about intergalactic starships was the kind of conversation that had Sheppard on the edge of his seat, but there was just something about Caldwell's smug expression today that worked his nerves.
Funny really, when he'd been working with the king of smug for three years. Or was that the queen of smug now? Princess smug?
"Colonel Sheppard?"
"Yes, sir?" John said alertly, as if he had been keeping up with the conversation instead of drifting away with his thoughts, another trick he'd been practicing for many years.
Caldwell leaned forward and linked his hands together. "How is Dr McKay? The SGC is still buzzing about his... change."
"Really?" John said in disbelief. "It's been almost two months, you'd think something weirder than body-swapping would have cropped up and taken their mind off it. SG1 must be falling down on the job."
"It'd be a hard one to top," Caldwell said, snorting derisively. "There a a lot of people in the IOA and in Stargate Command who have expressed interest in the, uh transformation, and the science behind it. I don't have to tell you the military applications alone of being able to swap consciousness between human beings."
"No, you don't," Sheppard agreed. "And I don't have to tell you that one of the human beings died in the process."
"Nevertheless," Caldwell interrupted. "We think the device might be worth checking out."
Sheppard glanced at Elizabeth, who gave him a small nod. "I'll organize a team," he replied. "And check it out in a jumper."
"It should be possible to bring it here," Caldwell pressed. "And return it to Earth on the Daedalus. After all the Genii moved it there in the first place."
"The Genii aren't always known for their caution," Elizabeth said.
"And they have also been known to sacrifice their people for the cause," Sheppard added. "Shouldn't McKay be here for this? He is the foremost expert on Ancient artifacts."
"Which brings me to my next question," Caldwell said with a frown. "Why wasn't the device retrieved before now? Surely Dr McKay wanted to examine it, see if the effects could be reversed?"
"He expressed an interest in examining it." Elizabeth looked grim. "I vetoed the suggestion. After all, it's not like he was going to be able to transform back. I saw no point in risking anyone else's safety."
"I'm sure the risk will be minimal," Caldwell dismissed. "I have to admit I'm a little curious about something though. You still refer to Dr McKay as 'him'? Doesn't that get confusing?"
Elizabeth looked surprised. "I can only speak for myself, but I still think of Rodney as 'him'. Only his appearance has changed after all."
"That's hard to believe," Caldwell protested. "This was more than a cosmetic change, after all. The man has become a woman, that's a lot more than skin deep." He shook his head. "To tell you the truth there were quite a few people, myself included who were surprised that he was left in such an important position here after the... incident."
"Why?" Sheppard asked, genuinely curious. "Because he's just a girl now?"
Caldwell shot him an impatient look. "Because of the trauma he must have suffered. Must still be suffering. Who knows what kind of instabilities an experience like that could cause?"
"In McKay?" Sheppard said incredulously. "The man is already an hysterical hypochondriac with delusions of godhood. It's hard to believe something as simple as swapping bodies with a teenage alien could push him over the edge."
Caldwell and Elizabeth both turned critical looks on him.
Sheppard rolled his eyes. "I mean, if life-sucking aliens, torture, near-ascension and meeting himself from another galaxy didn't already do so. It was a compliment," he protested as Elizabeth still glared at him.
"I'm sure joking makes this situation easier for you, Colonel," Caldwell said with a patient kindness that Sheppard wasn't buying for a second. "You've been closer to this than anyone, with Dr McKay being on your team."
"And being my friend," Sheppard shot back.
"Of course," Caldwell agreed, shooting Sheppard a probing glance. It just pissed John off, actually. The guy obviously had no idea about loyalty, about what it meant to work closely with someone, to be on their team. Yeah, it might sound strange, him jumping to McKay's defense when he'd just finished laying out the man's faults.
But that was his right, as McKay's team mate and friend. Colonel I've-got-a-big-ship Caldwell didn't get to come here and judge Rodney, or anyone else on John's team.
"As I said," Caldwell continued pedantically. "I'm sure this situation has been difficult for everyone here. Perhaps that's why those of us who aren't as close to it can see the potential fall-out more clearly."
"What are you saying, Colonel?" Elizabeth asked in concern, and Sheppard seconded the question in his head. He didn't like where this was going.
"Nothing official, Dr Weir," Caldwell said smugly, the 'yet' unspoken. "But I have been asked to observe Dr McKay while I'm here. To see how he's coping with his... ordeal."
"I see," Elizabeth said slowly, and at that moment the door swooshed open and Rodney hurried in, datapad under his nose as usual.
"Elizabeth," he began before he'd even cleared the doorway. "Dr Lorenzo was right, the device does closely resemble a Goa'uld sarcophagus. Oh, Colonel Caldwell," he said, stopping in his tracks as he noticed the newcomer. "Good to see you again."
"Goa'uld?" Caldwell said coldly, and John winced. Trust Rodney to blunder in saying just the thing to get the colonel's back up.
True to form McKay totally missed the undercurrents in the room. "Yes, it's fascinating actually. We always thought it was a form of stasis pod, but Dr Lorenzo, not the the Dr Lorenzo from biology, which gets kind of confusing, this one's an engineer. Anyway, he came in on the last Daedalus run, he worked with me at Area 51 and was quite the expert on Goa'uld technology. He spotted the similarities between the Ancient device and the Goa'uld regeneration machine right away."
"Perhaps we should discuss this later?" Elizabeth said quickly, catching Rodney between breaths.
"But..." Rodney looked down at his datapad, back up at Elizabeth and shrugged. "Fine," he accepted grudgingly. "Actually I needed to ask Colonel Caldwell a favor anyway. I need to use the sensor array on the Daedalus to run a few experiments. It shouldn't take more than six hours. I just need to recalibrate..." Caldwell was staring at him coldly and Rodney finally seemed to sense the atmosphere in the room. He faltered, trailing off. "Is there a problem?"
"Not at all," Caldwell said coolly. "How are you, Dr McKay? This is the first time I've seen you since your... transformation." His gaze raked Rodney from the top of his head to the tips of his shoes. McKay had his hair pulled back into a pony tail and he was wearing the science team uniform that had been scaled down to his new size by one of the people on his team who had some skill with needle and thread.
Smooth cheeks, wide brown eyes, fresh faced and young, he hardly looked the part of the head scientist of Atlantis.
Rodney was looking a little nonplussed and John realized it had been a while since anyone had stared at him so blatantly. "Yes, well," he said, regaining his composure. "I forgot you weren't captaining the Daedalus on her last run here." He smiled brightly. "I'm sure you'll get used to the new me before too long."
"I'm sure I will," Caldwell said, still blank-faced. Rodney shot a baffled look his way and Sheppard shrugged.
"Rodney, what was that about the sensors on the Daedalus?" Elizabeth said as the silence stretched out.
"Oh, yes," Rodney said, looking back down at his datapad and pressing the screen. "Radek and I are working on activating some of the faulty long range sensors here on Atlantis. Let me show you." He stepped forward, flipping the datapad and pointing at the screen, but Caldwell was already stepping backward, a flash of discomfit and something that looked like disgust flicking across his stern features.
Rodney faltered, his hand dropping back to his side and Sheppard instinctively found himself on his feet, hands clenched into fists.
But a moment later Caldwell had recovered himself and was stepping forward smoothly, lifting the datapad from Rodney's hand and looking down at the screen thoughtfully.
"What am I looking at?" he said and Sheppard might have thought he'd imagined that momentary reaction if it weren't for the shocked look on Elizabeth's face and the tremor in Rodney's hand as he carefully pointed to the screen and began to explain.
He purposefully stayed at a distance from the Colonel, who listened to the faltering techno-babble and nodded.
"I'll talk to Hermiod," he promised, handing the datapad over. Without making any physical contact, Sheppard noted. "But I'm pretty sure we won't have time on this run. Maybe next time."
It was sign of how shaken Rodney must have been that he didn't argue or press his case. He simply murmured a thank you and hurried from the room.
"Steven," Elizabeth said reproachfully as the door closed behind him.
Caldwell, blinked and stared at Elizabeth in astonishment. "How the hell have you gotten used to that? It's... very disturbing."
"This from a man who has a naked alien working for him?" Sheppard returned disbelievingly, trying to hold back his anger. It was one thing to be surprised, shocked even. But there was no excuse for that flare of disgust. Any good opinion he'd been holding onto of Colonel Caldwell was vanishing like Wraith mist.
"Hermiod works with us, not for us," Caldwell corrected easily. He glanced back and forward between them. "You two seem rather over-protective of Dr McKay, if you don't mind me saying. He never struck me as a man who needed other people defending him."
John bit back all the obscene, career-destroying things he wanted to say to the colonel, but it was a hard-fought battle. "Dr Weir," he said tightly. "I have another meeting, so if you'll excuse me."
She nodded, shooting another disturbed glance at Caldwell, and Sheppard really hoped that she was going to give the man a world class ear-bashing as soon as they were alone. For himself he settled for trying to project his contempt with his body language alone as he nodded curtly at his superior officer and turned his back on him to walk out of the room. Silent contempt was another handy skill honed by his years in the military, and one he was slightly better at.
888
Rodney was working his way through a salad the next time Sheppard saw him, and he helped himself to a plate of food and a juice box and sat down opposite him at the long dining room table.
"Hey," Rodney said around a mouthful of lettuce.
"Hey," Sheppard said back, peeling the wrapper from his sandwich. "So," he continued, striving for casual. "What was that about a sarcophagus?"
Rodney swallowed and nodded enthusiastically. "It was quite a find actually, and well spotted by Lorenzo. Radek is kicking himself for missing it."
"I remember reading in mission reports about those things. Is it true they can bring someone back to life?" He studied his friend as he went into lecture mode, not liking what he saw. On the surface Rodney seemed fine, waving his hands as he explained the difference between reviving and regeneration and then threw in some rude comments about SG1. But Sheppard's sharp eyes spotted the tightness around his lips and the dark shadows in his eyes. He supposed it must have been quite a shock, to be drawn away from as if infected with a disease.
Sheppard silently cursed Caldwell all over again.
"Sounds handy," he said as Rodney wound down. "Put me down as the first on the list if I ever die, okay?"
"Ha," Rodney scoffed. "As head of the Science Department I'm obviously top of the list, although I let Lorenzo be second, since he did discover the thing."
"Kind of you," John murmured.
"No, but seriously? We're a long way from understanding it, let alone getting it working. So don't go dying anytime soon, okay?"
"I promise," John said mockingly. "Wow, deja vu. Didn't you already tell me not to die just the other day?"
Rodney snorted. "I'm always telling you not to get yourself killed, Captain Reckless. I should get it printed on a t-shirt."
"That's Lieutenant Colonel Reckless, thank you very much." He fiddled with his napkin. "Look, speaking of colonels, about Caldwell..."
"Ah, speak of the devil," Rodney said with a wide smile. He waved and Sheppard twisted around in time to see Caldwell approaching with his tray. He twisted back and stared incredulously at Rodney who was avoiding his glance and pointing at the seat next to him. "Please, Colonel, join us."
Caldwell pulled the chair out and took the indicated seat, depositing his tray on the table and turning a genial smile on them both. "Thanks."
"We were just talking about the Apollo," Rodney lied effortlessly. He leaned forward, widening his eyes. "I can't wait to hear all about it. How did she perform?"
Sheppard watched with increasing incredulity as Caldwell smiled and began talking enthusiastically about Earth's newest ship. Mainly he watched as Rodney let someone else take the stage for a change, nodding and looking impressed as Caldwell droned on about engine performance and speed. At one point he leaned forward breathlessly as the colonel told some anecdote, and then sighed and shook his head in amazement at the punch line.
"Amazing," he said throatily, batting his eyelashes, something Sheppard wouldn't have believed if he actually hadn't seen it with his own eyes. He blinked, staring as Dr Rodney McKay, multiple PHD holder and super-genius actually batted his eyelashes and then cooed, patting Caldwell's hand. "Ohh," he breathed. "What an amazing experience."
"It was," Caldwell said complacently, and to Sheppard's amazement actually gave McKay a genuine smile back.
Surely, Sheppard thought, surely the man isn't actually buying this.
"They're lucky to have someone with your vast experience to put her through her paces," Rodney said admiringly, eyes shining.
But it seemed Caldwell was buying it. He puffed up his chest and tried, unsuccessfully, to look modest. He also couldn't seem to take his eyes off Rodney's face.
"I have stuff to do," Sheppard said, unable to stomach this any more. He knew that Caldwell spent most of his time shuttling back and forward between galaxies, surrounded by subordinates, which probably didn't make for much socializing. But surely the guy couldn't be naive enough to buy into the stuff that McKay was shoveling? He bussed his tray and paused in the doorway, barely aware of Ronon coming up next to him and following his glance into the room.
"Huh," Ronon said as Rodney laughed and tapped the back of Caldwell's hand. The colonel laughed too, throwing his head back and chuckling hard. "That's weird," Ronon said, scratching absently at his beard.
"I know," Sheppard said numbly.
"I thought Caldwell liked Dr Weir."
Sheppard gaped. "Caldwell likes Elizabeth?" he said incredulously.
Ronon lifted a brow. "You didn't notice?" The big man shook his head, patted John's shoulder, and ambled away to pile food onto his tray.
Caldwell liked Elizabeth? On top of Rodney in coquette-mode it was too much to handle and Sheppard decided to wait for his scientist outside and try to get some sense out of the man. Fifteen or so minutes later Caldwell appeared, whistling jauntily under his breath.
"Ah, Sheppard," he said, pausing where John was lurking, trying to look inconspicuous. Caldwell smiled genially. "You were right about Dr McKay, he seems to be adjusting to his situation remarkably. Amazing man, much more stable and balanced than I gave him credit for."
Wondering what Caldwell thought was in the least stable and balanced about Rodney's performance back there, let alone well-adjusted, Sheppard contented himself with a nod, but Caldwell barely noticed. With a nod he swaggered off down the hall.
By the time Rodney emerged from the dining room, nose in his datapad as usual, Sheppard was leaning back against the wall with his arms crossed, waiting somewhat less than patiently.
"What do you think you're doing?" he asked, stepping in front of Rodney and forcing him to halt.
Rodney lifted his head. "Trying to get to my lab," he said mildly. "You're standing in my way."
Sheppard lifted his brow.
"Do you practice that in front of a mirror?" Rodney accused. "Like that casual lean back against the wall and the whole swagger thing?"
Sheppard straightened. "I do not swagger," he said defensively, Caldwell's arrogant strut still in his mind. Then he narrowed his eyes as Rodney smirked, recognizing an avoidance tactic when he saw one. "You were flirting with Caldwell," he accused, cutting to the chase.
Rodney looked bored. "If you knew that, why ask?"
Sheppard gaped. "You admit it?"
"Admit it? I was going to brag about it if you gave me the chance."
Sheppard stared at him and Rodney sighed.
"Look, this morning he was staring at me like a freak in the circus,. It's now..." he checked his watch. "Five after one, and I've already got him to agree to letting me use the sensors on the Daedalus for my experiment."
Sheppard stared at him incredulously. "And that's why you were flirting?"
"No, I was flirting because I think he's a giant steaming pile of man-candy," Rodney said sarcastically. "Of course it's why I was flirting!"
"After the way he treated you this morning," John began but Rodney cut him off abruptly.
"Look," he said, coolly. "What don't you understand about this? That I'm on a severe learning curve here? That the genius figured out you really can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, especially when the honey is cute jailbait? It took me five minutes and very little effort to charm that idiot, and now I have six hours with those sensors. It'll advance my project by weeks."
"And that's worth trading your self-respect for?"
"Oh, please," Rodney sneered. "I batted my eyelashes, I didn't give him a blow job." Rodney shook his head and pushed past him. "Grow up, Colonel."
888
"I think I've created a monster," John said moodily, wiping the work-out sweat from his brow and tossing the towel in a hamper.
"You created?" Teyla said with mild curiosity, handing him a water bottle and sitting down on the mat.
"You know what I mean."
"I'm not sure I do. It bothers you that Rodney was flirting? Or that he was flirting with Colonel Caldwell? Or that he was flirting with Colonel Caldwell to get what he wanted?"
"How about all of the above?" John sat down next to her, crossing his legs with a wince. "Doesn't it bother you? I mean, aren't women supposed to find it demeaning or something when another woman does that? Uses her sexual wiles to get what she wants from a man?"
"Perhaps women from Earth do," Teyla said, one brow rising. "But here in the Pegasus Galaxy we have all learnt to use whatever we have to get by."
"Oh come on," John said indignantly. "You're the proudest woman I know. You have this grace, this dignity..." He trailed off as Teyla tilted her head and smiled at him. "You know what I mean," he muttered, face hot. "You would never resort to that kind of tactic."
"No, I would not," Teyla agreed serenely. "And I thank you for the kind words."
John's cheeks still felt flushed.
"But, John, I am not Rodney. And he is not me. He is facing things that I can only imagine."
John waved his hand impatiently. "I know, I know."
"Perhaps if I were to turn into a man overnight," Teyla said thoughtfully. "If I were to lose my body, my gender, even the bloodline of my father and my ancestors..." She shook her head in wonder. "I can barely imagine it."
John felt a flare of shame. "I know," he repeated quietly.
"But perhaps if that happened to me, perhaps I would not always handle it the way you think best. Perhaps, even with my grace and dignity, I might stumble and make bad choices."
"So you agree with me, you think he's making bad choices?"
"Isn't it what Rodney thinks that counts?" Teyla shrugged. "I will say this much, it does seem out of character to me for Rodney McKay not to get mad and loud and sarcastic over the situation he faced today. Why did he act in this fashion?"
"I guess... The way Caldwell looked at him..." John again felt the acid sting of bitterness on Rodney's behalf. "I can't imagine how it must feel, to have someone react to you like that."
"I too have felt that look," Teyla revealed softly. "I am not from Earth. I am part-Wraith. There are some among your people who have looked at me as if I was... less."
"But not lately?" John asked in concern.
Teyla gave him one of her quick smiles. "Not lately," she confirmed. "Although perhaps I have just had more time to dismiss reactions from people I do not care about."
"And Rodney hasn't had time to do that yet." John realized. He sighed, grimacing a little at his own thoughts. "Maybe this is more my problem than his anyway. It just... kinda freaked me out, you know? After all that he's been through over the last few months, the one constant has been the man's personality. Rodney is still Rodney under there. So to see him act in such an un-Rodney-like way..."
Teyla hesitated, her eyes uncertain for a moment. "I would not normally betray the confidence of the friend," she said slowly. "But Rodney told me once that he feels that he is losing himself sometimes, in this new life that has been forced upon him. As his friends, perhaps it is up to us to remind him who he is?"
John rubbed at the back of his neck ruefully. "Probably not by getting all in his face about it though?"
Teyla patted his arm consolingly. "You are Rodney's friend, John. I know he values your opinions highly. You have the right and responsibility to advise him, as a friend. You do not have the right to judge him."
"Until I've walked a mile in his shoes," John murmured.
Teyla looked confused. "I do not think his shoes would fit you."
"It's a saying," John explained, even though he knew she'd figured that out and was only teasing him. "My grandmother was full of old sayings. The older I get the more I find myself quoting her."
"She sounds like a wise woman," Teyla observed. She jumped lithely to her feet and reached down a hand to haul John to his. "Perhaps you should take her advice to heart?"
888
John showered first and then tracked Rodney down in his lab. As usual the room was dim, lit by the banks of the computers and the low humming energy of Ancient scanners. Rodney was sitting hunched in front of a wide screen, uncharacteristically silent and still and John paused in the doorway, feeling something in his chest tighten. In profile Rodney looked impossibly young, his hair pulled back, long lashes fanning his cheeks.
He also looked painfully sad, his small white teeth biting his lower lip, fingers idly smoothing the key pad in front of him.
Sheppard wondered for the thousandth time what it must be like to be Rodney now. To be a man trapped in a woman's body. Neither one thing or another. Stuck somewhere in between.
Sheppard remembered Caldwell when he'd reacted to Rodney hours before. That momentary curl of his lip and backwards step. That flare of disgust quickly disguised. John still felt stung by it, he could hardly imagine how Rodney had felt, being the focus of it. Was that when Rodney decided that any tactic was fair game to get him what he wanted? Sheppard found he could hardly blame him if it was.
All the same...
"You're just better than that," he said aloud, and Rodney jumped and turned a surprised gaze on him. Sheppard cleared his throat and tried again. "That's all I meant back there, after lunch I mean. You're better than that ass Caldwell. You don't need to kiss up to a fool like that."
Rodney blinked. "Are you allowed to talk about a superior officer like that?"
John shrugged and strolled over to the bench. "He's only superior to me in rank. And after the way he looked at you this morning any lingering trace of respect I had for the man is gone. He was once possessed by a Goa'uld, for god's sake! You'd think he'd be a little more tolerant of weird stuff happening to people."
Rodney shrugged, but a little color had returned to his pale cheeks. "I think it was an instinctive reaction," he said casually. "He seemed to get over it pretty quickly."
"All the same..."
"Maybe for someone as masculine as him... Maybe the thought of a man in woman's body is just really creepy, you know?"
"Hey," Sheppard protested. "I'm a pretty masculine guy. I fly spaceships for a living, that's macho and cool."
Rodney quirked a small smile at him.
"Anyway," Sheppard rushed on. "My point is that I never found it creepy. Or at least, maybe the situation was a little creepy, but I never found you creepy..." He shook his head, pretty sure anything he said now was going to come out wrong. "You know what I mean," he finished in a rush.
"I do know," Rodney agreed, reaching out idly and catching at a piece of cotton trailing from the hem of John's black t-shirt. It was one of his old, soft ones, worn out and a little ragged around the edges. "But that's because you're my friend."
Sheppard stepped a little closer, he was inches from Rodney now, and the man gazed up at him, the soft light in the room burnishing his skin to a soft rose. "I am your friend," Sheppard said quietly. "You know that, right?"
Rodney now had the soft hem of John's t-shirt between his thumb and finger and he toyed with it, brown eyes wide and candid.
"I do know," he whispered, and then he smiled, softly, and it was so unlike the smile he'd shown Caldwell in the mess hall, so many light years apart from it, that John automatically lifted his hand and cradled the side of Rodney's face in his hand, thumb just grazing that elusive, maddening dimple.
"I shouldn't have said what I did," John whispered, eyes flicking from Rodney's startled gaze to his stroking thumb. The skin under his fingers was smooth as silk. "I was out of line."
Rodney swallowed. "No," he said, voice low. "You were right. I shouldn't have... I didn't mean to... I was just so mad." He bit at his lower lip again and John curved closer, thumb straying to Rodney's mouth and touching the slight indent of small teeth. At his waist John could feel Rodney's hand now clutching at the fabric of his shirt, knuckles pressing into his belly, sending a flare of heat through him.
"Rodney," he began, eyes dropping to soft, pink lips. But he never knew what he would have said next, because at that moment he heard voices in the hall approaching the lab, voices raised in argument in a language that sounded like Chinese.
All of a sudden Sheppard could see the pair of them as if through someone else's eyes. So close together. Touching. Practically...
He stepped back, hand pulling away from velvety soft skin, feeling the tug of his shirt and in his belly as Rodney's fingers loosed their hold and released him. The smooth cheek he'd been caressing moments before was now stained red, the wide brown eyes were blinking and panicked as Rodney looked at the door and back to him.
"Um," he said, biting at his lip again.
And goddam if that wasn't going to drive him as crazy as that dimple, Sheppard thought savagely.
The voices were louder, two people walked past the door and without glancing into the room continued down the hall.
"I should go," Sheppard said. "I've got to see, um, somebody."
"I have work to do," Rodney said, his voice sounding high. He tuned back to his computer and began to type furiously.
Part of Sheppard wanted to run from the room, but he ignored it and paused, holding onto the door frame. "So, uh, I'll just go."
Rodney's hands stilled and he looked up at the screen in front of him, face in profile once more. "Yeah. Okay."
"Yeah," Sheppard said. "Okay."
He'd had his work-out for the day and he'd already showered and shaved afterwards, but five minutes later John was running again anyway, jogging down the familiar halls of Atlantis. Trying to outrun the thoughts in his head or perhaps the low coil of heat in his belly.
Or maybe it was the memory of soft, velvety skin under his fingers that he was trying to outrun, the feel of his friend's hand burning the skin of his belly through the fabric of his shirt.
Either way, it didn't help.
888
Rodney showed up at his door after dinner and Sheppard found himself unexpectedly at a loss. He hadn't even sorted out his own tangle of feelings about this yet, he certainly wasn't ready to deal with Rodney. John could no longer deny that he was attracted to Rodney though, that much was for sure. If he was honest with himself that attraction had been creeping up on him for weeks, maybe since the beginning. But he also couldn't deny that even attempting to take this any further would be a huge mistake. This was Rodney, for god's sake, no matter what his outside looked like.
Sheppard tensed at the sight of Rodney's determined face. This was not going to be an easy conversation.
"I'm coming in," Rodney announced, pushing past him and into the room.
"Rodney," Sheppard began helplessly, not knowing how to begin.
"I know what you're going to say," Rodney said abruptly. "And I totally agree with you. What happened back in my lab, well, I should say what almost happened... At least, what felt like it might almost happen..."
"Rodney," Sheppard said automatically, so used to bumping McKay's conversations back on track by now that it was second nature.
"Yeah, right," Rodney said, blinking. "Anyway, you know what I mean." He straightened narrow shoulders. "It was a mistake, is what I'm trying to say. It would have been a mistake."
"Uh, okay," Sheppard said, caught a little by surprise.
Rodney plowed on. "It's okay," he said quickly. "I know you agree with me, I could see it on your face, and you're right. We're team mates and friends and even if I really was a woman it would still be a huge mistake for us to get involved. We have to work so closely together for the defense of Atlantis that even if we weren't on the same team us becoming involved could cause so many problems I can't even list them."
"I agree," Sheppard interrupted, telling himself he should be glad that he and Rodney were on the same page. He straightened his spine and ignored the hollow little ache in his belly.
Rodney gazed at him. "I know you do," he said patiently. "I said that already."
Sheppard couldn't help the sarcastic retort that sprang to his lips. "Sorry, I forgot that you're running both sides of this conversation."
Rodney frowned. "Oh, now you're going to get mad?" he appealed. "That's just typical. You know, I'm the one who should be freaked here. You're just doing what comes naturally after all. See a pretty girl and pounce. You probably can't even help yourself."
Crossing his arms Sheppard leaned back against the wall. "Is that right?" he drawled.
"Yes, it is as a matter of fact," Rodney shot back. "And how do I know? Well, let's see. Three years of close study, that's how. Even with women you're not really interested in you can't help yourself. You," he pronounced, pointing his finger accusingly. "Are a flirt."
Sheppard stared at the pointing finger, lifting one brow and smirking in that way he knew infuriated every woman he had ever dated.
"Huh! That's what I mean!" Rodney accused hotly. "You did it on purpose, didn't you? Just another day in Sheppard's world. Turning the charm on full force back there. Sidling closer and smelling so good and, and looking at me." Rodney's voice was rising. "And touching my face like that when you must know that nobody ever touches me any more!"
Sheppard straightened, all traces of humor flying away as Rodney broke off, face appalled.
"Rodney?"
"No," Rodney said stubbornly, taking a step back. "I'm not finished. You don't get to freak out because I'm the one who should be freaking out. I'm still a man in here and you know that!"
"You finished now?" Sheppard asked gently and Rodney nodded jerkily. "Look, Rodney, I wasn't trying to be charming. I wasn't using anything against you, and I think you know that. Neither of us planned what happened."
"Almost happened," Rodney corrected.
"What we wanted to happen." John waited but Rodney still wouldn't meet his eyes. "Rodney?"
"Yes, all right!" Rodney snapped. "What we wanted to happen, fine. But this is not my fault," he added sharply.
"It's not mine either," John pointed out. "So can we get through this without finger pointing and accusations? Please?"
"Fine. It's nobody's fault. We were both almost overcome by passion but nothing happened. Chalk it up to..." Rodney broke off, looking confused. "Chalk it up to...uh..."
Sheppard shrugged. "I got nothin'," he admitted.
"Confusion?" Rodney ventured. "Propinquity?"
"Horniness?"
Rodney grimaced, mouth turning down. "Yes, bring it to the lowest level, thank you."
"To the human level, you mean?" John pointed out, trying to be reasonable. "The one where, yeah, I am a man and it's natural for me to be attracted to women. And you - at least on the outside - are now a woman." Sheppard tried to catch his friend's eyes. "And you have needs too," he said softly.
"You're damn right I do!" Rodney said forcefully. "Do you think I would have been all goo-goo eyed at you if I didn't? But I don't want to, that's the point! How do you think it makes me feel? Two people can know each other for years and then one turns into a woman and there's suddenly chemistry?"
"Oh yeah," John quipped. "A classic tale, happens all the time."
"Ha ha," Rodney said sourly. "My point is that it's not even me you want, Colonel. It's just what's on the surface. Before this happened you didn't even look twice at me."
John shook his head, confused. "Did you want me to look at you that way before?"
Rodney stared at him. "No! I was straight! I am straight!"
"So am I! And I am not going to apologize for being attracted to you now that you're a woman, for god's sakes. This isn't easy for me either, you know. It's not like there's some kind of instruction manual for this. What To Do When Your Best Friend Turns Into A Girl."
Rodney blinked, his inner thoughts obviously derailed. "What? I'm your best friend?"
John grimaced. "Course you are," he said gruffly. "Who else?"
"I thought... Ronon?" Rodney ventured.
"He's a good friend," John agreed. "So's Teyla. But you and me..." He trailed away, not even sure himself how to put it into words. Not even really sure how and when it had started. But absolutely sure that it was the truth.
"Wow. I guess you're my best friend as well," Rodney said, sounding unflatteringly amazed. "Which kind of explains a lot, now that I come to think of it." He narrowed his eyes and gazed at John suspiciously. "Wait a minute, are you saying..." He frowned. "Uh, are you trying to tell me that it was me you were attracted to? Not just..." He gestured to his trim, female form.
"Who the hell else would it have been?" John said in exasperation. "And by the way, this is just what I mean about this being hard on me as well. I don't do this, Rodney. I don't have conversations like this with women. I have spent many years of my life avoiding just these kinds of conversations."
"Tough," Rodney said unsympathetically. "You should have thought about that before you put your arm around me and started this in the first place."
"I thought we weren't going to play the blame game. And for the record, I was just comforting you."
"But you never comforted me before," Rodney pounced. "You waited until I was a girl before you got all touchy-feely."
"Okay, now I know you've turned into a female, because you're not making any sense. Men don't hug each other like that, McKay. You ever seen me hug Ronon? He'd punch me in the face."
"You don't hug Teyla and she's a girl."
"Teyla would punch me in the face as well."
"So I should punch you next time?"
"There won't be a next time," John said fervently, then sighed at Rodney's disconsolate face. "What?"
Rodney shrugged. "I didn't say you should stop," he muttered. "As it happens the hugs have been the best part of being a girl. That and Teyla morphing into my big sister, which is totally cool by the way. Did I tell you I've seen her naked?"
Horrible, prurient thoughts cascaded through Sheppard's head at the speed of light and he felt his face flushing.
"No way," he stuttered.
Rodney looked smug. "Way. Think sweaty session in the gym. Hot, steamy shower room. Very very small towels..."
John swiftly sat down on the bed, not only because his knees were weak but also because of the embarrassing condition of the front of his pants. Naked Rodney... Naked Teyla... Naked Rodney and naked Teyla together...
Rodney sighed a little wistfully. "Yeah, I know. But sadly it turns out that straight is a physiological thing after all. Other than an oh-my-god-wait-till-I-can-brag-to-Sheppard-about-this moment, I hardly felt a thing."
"Really?" John said, not sure if he was disappointed or relieved. "What a waste."
"I know," Rodney said gloomily, then he lifted his head, blinking. "Where were we?"
John shrugged, still a little distracted. "I'm not sure," he confessed. "Somewhere about the point where it's all my fault and I'm a dog and all men are scum. No, wait, that was my ex-wife."
Rodney made a face at him. "Glad you find this funny. I am a complete basket case, and you're not helping."
John spread his hands. "Tell me how I can help. I already offered to stop with the inappropriate comfort."
"Just stop being so..." Rodney waved his hands in Sheppard's general direction. "And stop standing so close and stop..."
"Smelling so good?" Sheppard teased.
"If it's not too much trouble," Rodney smirked.
"I'll do my best."
Rodney stepped backwards and the door swooshed open behind him. "I just want things to go back to the way they were before," he confessed softly. "I want to stop feeling this way."
John wanted to ask 'what way?', but asking would just open another can of worms and lead to more talking about feelings. Anyway, he already knew because he was pretty sure he was feeling exactly the same way.
After Rodney left John sat there for a long time, thinking about that last small confession, figuring it pretty much summed up the freak-out on both their parts. He thought about how everything had changed, and how Rodney was right, he wouldn't have looked twice at him before, at least not in a sexual way. He thought about the way his feelings for his friend had been altered by his change, and wondered just exactly how shallow that made him. He thought about the way Rodney had changed, how Caldwell was right about that much at least, a man couldn't become a woman and not be different on more than just the surface.
Mostly he thought about how Rodney was doomed to disappointment this time, because John was pretty sure that nothing was ever, ever going to be the way it was before.
End
More coming!