Author's Note: written for the QLFC, Season 5
Round 3: Truth or Dare - a truth that is hatred
Team: Pride of Portree
Position: Beater 1
Word Count: 2,971 excluding Author's Note
Prompts (bolded): 5 (difference), 6 (midnight black), 13 (lamp).
Sirius wiped blood off his face with the sleeve of his robes. His cheek was beginning to bruise where Remus' punch had landed.
"I trusted you." Remus didn't shout, but his voice was full of accusation. "How could you?"
"It was only—" Sirius began.
"Only what?" Remus interrupted. "A laugh?"
Sirius shook his head wildly, his hair flying around with the movement.
"Moony—" began James.
"What was the best possible outcome?" Remus ignored them both. "That he'd be scared?" There were two livid spots on his cheeks. "I could have killed him, Sirius!"
"Well, we'd be rid of Snivellus…"
It was the wrong thing to say. Remus' face was an angry red now, and Sirius took a step backwards, fearing another punch.
"Are you out of your mind?" Remus hissed. "You would make me a murderer just because you don't like Snape?" A muscle in his neck twitched. "I could have bitten him! I could have turned him into a..." He trailed off meaningfully. "Don't you know me well enough by now to know I wouldn't wish that fate on my worst enemy?"
James tried a smile. "Remy, come on… nothing happened…"
Again, it was wrong thing to say. Remus turned on James, and the smile waned.
"Nothing happened?" said Remus. "Right. Nothing. Except that you handed my deepest secret to Severus Snape! By tomorrow, the whole school will know." Now, Remus seemed to falter. "I'll be expelled, I'll—"
"You won't," said Sirius, again dabbing at his nose with his sleeve. "You won't," he repeated, as though trying to convince himself. "I'll talk to Dumbledore, and—"
Remus turned away. "Don't bother," he said in a flat voice. "Not even Dumbledore can excuse something like this. Snape could have died. Or worse."
Peter came up to him and laid a hand on his arm. "Listen, nothing really happened," he said. "In any case, it wasn't your fault, right?"
For a long time, Remus didn't answer.
"Right," he said finally.
o0o
Remus decided to wait until nightfall.
He stayed in the library until curfew, and then, instead of making his way to Gryffindor tower, he went down the stairs to the Entrance Hall and pushed the great oak doors open.
When they closed behind him, he felt a sense of loss that was hard to explain, but he didn't look back. If he was going to be expelled, he'd beat them to the chase. There was no point in waiting around so people could spit at the werewolf as he left the castle with his wand snapped.
Remus lifted his chin. He was leaving Hogwarts, yes, but at least he was doing so in his own terms.
He first spotted the shadow as he passed the beech tree by the lake. Even though it was a moonless night, the profile was easily recognizable.
"What are you doing here?" said Remus. "Come to gloat?"
Snape stepped forward, and his eyes glinted in the darkness.
"Gloat about what?" he said. He sounded tired, but Remus couldn't find it in him to pity him. "About almost having died? About nearly having been bitten?" He laughed mirthlessly. "Not a whole lot to gloat about, is it?"
"Then what do you want?"
Snape didn't answer. "What a noble sacrifice you're making," he said instead. It was too dark to see, but Remus could hear the sneer in his voice. "Leaving the school like a fallen hero."
Remus bared his teeth. "What do you care?" he snarled. "Bet you're glad. Finally got what you wanted, huh?"
"No, actually," said Snape calmly. "Your dear friend Black must have begged on his hands and knees. Maybe even offered to do Dumbledore a favour, if you follow me," he said, and the obscene gesture that followed his words made his meaning perfectly clear.
"Shut up," growled Remus. "You're making this up."
But if Snape was telling the truth, if he hadn't been expelled…
"Maybe," said Snape with a vague gesture of his hand. "Maybe not. Ask him, why don't you?" He smiled a nasty, twisted smile. "Ask him what he did to convince Dumbledore not to expel you. Ask him if he—"
"Shut up!" Remus said again, louder. Snape's smile widened. "You're a right foul git, Snape, did you know that?"
"I've been told before, yes," Snape answered. "Usually by Potter, but I guess one of his sycophants is an equally good option."
Remus wondered where Snape's usual snarly, jumpy manner had gone; how he could be so calm when Remus' own hands were shaking.
"James saved your life," he said between clenched teeth. "So maybe think twice before you insult him."
That seemed to break through Snape's impassiveness. He took a step forward, and his eyes, midnight black in the darkness, bore into Remus.
"Potter is a coward," he said softly. "He got cold feet at the last second. He was saving himself as much as me. Maybe, unlike Black, he even spared a thought for you," sneered Snape. "Unlikely, I grant you, but," he shrugged, "anything's possible. Wouldn't do for him to lose followers."
Be the bigger man, Remus. He took a deep breath.
"Whatever," he said, ignoring the insult. He strode past Snape on his way to the gates. "I'm going."
To his surprise, Snape's bony hand closed around his arm.
"Didn't I just tell you, you haven't been expelled?"
A growl rose from Remus' throat and he shook himself loose with a jerk of his arm.
"So what?" He glanced at Snape. "If you're going to blab about it to your little Slytherin friends tomorrow, it won't make a difference. Dumbledore'll be forced to chuck me out anyway. So—"
"I've been sworn to secrecy."
Remus gaped at Snape for a second, before snapping his mouth shut.
"What?"
"You heard me."
Remus tried to make sense of the situation. He failed.
"And you agreed?"
Snape scoffed. "Of course not," he said. "I was told in no uncertain terms that I'd be summarily expelled should I decide to open my mouth."
Remus squinted in the darkness, trying to make out his expression.
"So why are you here?" he asked finally. "What do you care if I stay or go?"
"Oh, I don't," Snape said, shrugging one shoulder. "I just thought you might be interested in—well, in a sort of partnership." He pushed a strand of hair away from his face. "Which will not work if you're not here."
Remus raised his eyebrows.
"If you want me to betray my friends, you can—"
"While I would love to set your wolf-self on your little gang," interrupted Snape, "that's not what I had in mind."
"What then?"
"You've heard of Damocles' experiments, yes?" said Snape.
Remus nodded. His mouth felt dry, and he had to clear his throat before speaking.
"But the potion's still in the experimental stage," he said.
It was also horribly expensive, and thus useless to him.
"I can perfect it," Snape said. "I can make it so you'll retain your humanity during the transformation."
Snape sounded so sure of himself that Remus couldn't bring himself to squash that faint feeling of hope.
"And in return?" he asked.
Snape smiled, knowing that he had won.
"Werewolf blood has all sort of uses," he said. Remus shuddered. "Let me know."
And with that, Snape strode off, back towards the castle, leaving Remus to stare after him, utterly bewildered.
o0o
"See? Just like I told you," Sirius said. "A talk with good old Dumbledore—"
"—And detentions to last us a lifetime—" interjected James.
"—and everything's solved," finished Sirius with a triumphant smile.
Madam Pince shushed them as she walked by, and the four boys bent their heads to their textbooks until she was out of sight.
"Huh, Moony?" said Sirius, almost bouncing in his chair, waiting for Remus' approval.
Remus finished scrawling a sentence in his potions essay and nodded wearily.
"Sure," he said. "Doesn't make it alright, though."
James and Sirius exchanged a look.
"Well, yeah," said Peter, "but at least we're still together, right?"
"Sure," said Remus again, shrugging slightly.
He felt drained. The usual post-transformation fatigue was creeping up on him, and every joint in his body ached.
"Want to go throw bread at the Giant Squid?" said James, taking Remus' half-hearted assent as confirmation that everything was indeed fine. "He loves it."
"Squid don't eat bread," said Remus, not looking up from his book. "And besides, I have to finish this."
James and Sirius exchanged another look.
"Well," said James getting up and stretching, "see you back at the common room, then."
Sirius gave him a last questioning look before getting up, but Remus just gestured to his essay and dipped his quill in the inkwell. When he heard the door of the library close, he put the quill down and sighed.
He replayed Peter's words inside his head. At least we're still together. But he wondered how true that was. Since his run-in with Snape by the lake, Remus felt as though a rift had opened between him and his friends, and Snape's words remained burned into his brain.
I can make it so you'll retain your humanity during the transformation.
Try as he might, Remus couldn't see a trap. If Snape wanted him gone, he could let things slip, bit by bit, until someone else figured out the nature of his condition. But still, he hesitated. Snape was Snape, and he wasn't easy to trust.
With another sigh, Remus rose to find the book Lily had recommended, only to find the spot where it should be empty. He walked over to the counter and spotted it in a pile labelled 'hold'. With a stab of remorse and a quick look around to check that Madam Pince wasn't watching, he took it.
o0o
Half an hour later, a shadow fell on Remus' parchment.
"Sirius, just leave me alone," he said. "I told you—"
"You have the Valverde-Gimferrer treatise."
It was not Sirius. Snape stood looking at Remus down his long nose, the faint light of the lamp making his profile appear even more angular than it was.
"So?" said Remus, moving his arm a little, as though to shield the book.
"So I put it on hold last week," said Snape. He held out his hand. "Give it."
"No." He said it on impulse, but Snape's murderous look quickly made him soften the negative. "I need it. Only for a bit."
Snape said nothing, but he kept staring at Remus with his hand outstretched.
"Look, stop glaring at me," said Remus. "We can share," he said. He had no idea what made him offer, but he tried to smile. "I really need it, you know I'm terrible at Potions."
Though Snape held the undisputed record of cauldrons melted per week, he still was top of the class, Merlin knew how. Remus, on the other hand, was tied for last place with Frank Longbottom. It wasn't that he didn't try, he just couldn't concentrate. The smells gave him headaches, especially after the full moon when his nose was still sensitive, and he couldn't think properly.
But instead of smiling sympathetically, as anybody else would have done, Snape sneered down at him.
"Give me the book," he said. His voice was a deadly whisper, and his left hand had disappeared inside the pocket of his robes. Remus was sure he had a tight grip on his wand. "Now."
"Fine, alright, relax," said Remus, snapping the book shut and pushing it towards Snape. "You keep it."
Snape's hand came out of his pocket and Remus breathed a little easier.
"I'm waiting for an answer," Snape said as farewell.
As he disappeared amongst the shelves, Remus scratched his ear and tried to push Snape out of his mind. He had to concentrate on finding an alternative book that would allow him to scrape an A in the Potions practical.
o0o
That night, Remus dreamt that he was running through the forest, chasing Snape. Despite his pleas ("you can have the book, you can have it!"), Remus raised a huge paw and tore Snape's throat open. He woke right before the spray of hot blood hit his face.
o0o
"Yes."
They had run into each other in the Great Hall, almost literally, and the word fell out of Remus' mouth out of its own accord.
"Good," said Snape. "Meet me in the first-floor girls bathroom at six."
Before Remus had time to protest (or to ask), Snape was gone, and Sirius and James were by his side.
"What did Snivellus want?" asked Sirius. His eyes were narrowed, and Remus could smell the thrill of the fight on him. "Want to go after him, Prongs?"
"Just leave it," said Remus before James could say anything. "It's not worth it."
James let it go easily enough, but Sirius stayed restless throughout the afternoon.
"He just gets on my nerves," he said at one point.
"But why?" asked Remus, briefly glancing up from the chess board. He was playing against Peter, and he'd be damned if he lost.
Sirius just gestured vaguely.
"Because," he said, simply.
o0o
"I need a few things from you," Snape said. "For testing."
Remus took a hesitant step forward. Despite Snape's assurances that nobody used that bathroom (and from the racket the resident ghost was making, wailing in a corner, Remus was beginning to see why), he still felt a little uneasy.
"Well, come here," said Snape impatiently. "I'm not the one that bites."
Hair, saliva, even urine; Remus gave it all without complaint. But when Snape demanded blood, he backed away
"What do you even want it for?" he said. He held his hands out in front of him, as though warding off an evil spirit. "You could do all sorts of foul stuff with it."
Snape clicked his tongue in annoyance.
"I can do all sorts of foul stuff without it," he said. "And believe me, I will if you don't cooperate."
Reluctantly, Remus held out his arm and looked away as Snape prodded him with a Muggle needle until he found the vein.
"How much will you take?"
"Half a pint," said Snape. "You can spare it."
"What for?" asked Remus.
"Experimentation."
Remus raised his eyebrows. That must be why Snape melted three cauldrons every week.
"You can go," Snape said, as he turned to the cauldron he had set on the toilet. "I'll have the first dose on Monday."
o0o
Remus took the potion dutifully for the whole week leading up to the full moon, making sure to do it out of his friends' sight.
It tasted foul, and he repeatedly told Snape that it was burning a hole in his stomach lining, but Snape merely threw him a dispassionate glance and told him to drink every last drop.
The transformation was horrifyingly painful, much worse than normal, but Remus decided that getting to keep his humanity and not having to worry about murdering anybody was worth it.
Being a man in the body of a wolf was surprising. He saw mostly in greys, he could hear the leaves of the Whomping Willow rustling outside, and he could smell the remnants of a spilt potion on his discarded robes, but he could think rationally.
"Did it work?"
Snape's voice came from the other side of the tunnel, and Remus detected an anxious note to it. He wanted to tell him that he could understand him when he talked, that he wasn't a bloodthirsty monster, but all he could do was bark twice in quick succession, their agreed signal.
"Well, good," Snape called from the tunnel. "I'll be going, then."
As he listened to his receding steps, Remus suddenly wished Snape had stayed with him. He let out a long howl.
Then he shook his head at the absurdity of the thought and curled in a corner to sleep.
o0o
"But I was myself, Severus! That's much better than normal. Please," implored Remus. "Please."
"Remember how you said it felt like it was burning a hole in your stomach lining?" Snape asked. He turned to look at Remus. "That's because it was."
Remus had to fight to keep horror of his face.
"And you knew?"
"I suspected," said Snape. "It's an effective formulation, but," he waved his hand, "if it poisons you it's rather useless."
Remus leaned against the sink and rubbed his eyes.
"But you said—"
"I know what I said," interrupted Snape. In the silence that followed, he licked his lips in a nervous gesture. "I was wrong."
Disappointment and anger flooded Remus. How had he allowed himself to believe that Snape, of all people, could help him? Would help him? Tears came to his eyes.
"Can't you try to change the formula?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper.
"No." Snape looked at him for a long while. "There's nothing wrong with the formula," he said. "It just happens to be toxic. You could only take it for a year, maybe two, before it killed you."
Remus said nothing and watched as Snape picked up his things and stuffed the Valverde-Gimferrer in his bag.
"I—" Snape hesitated in the doorway. "I'm sorry."
As the door closed behind him, Remus wiped his eyes angrily on his sleeve.
"I bet you are," he muttered.
o0o
That night, Remus dreamt that he was running through the forest, chasing Snape. Despite his pleas ("I'll brew the potion, I'll brew it!") Remus raised a huge paw.
"I hate you, you know," he tried to say, but he could only bare his teeth and growl. Somehow, that conveyed the truth of the statement even more clearly than words did.
Then he tore Snape's throat open, and lapped at the blood flowing from the wound.
o0o
-fin-