A/N: Originally posted on More Than Coffee. One-shot. Set around and after 3.05.

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters, but I own the dialogue, the thoughts, and the metaphors.

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Those hands were steady. They better do, thought Cristina. She could nearly feel the sweat on the forehead and she wished someone could wipe it off. Were the scrub nurses blind? Why didn't they do something?

She had always been confident—in herself, in what she did, and in the man beside her. Lately, she wasn't that sure anymore. When the other interns tried to sooth Bailey after the M & M, she stood there without saying a word. At the lunch table, she was nearly mute. The only time when she said what a surgeon was supposed to do was to operate, she immediately apologized.

Every move she took seemed to be wrong. It didn't help at all when Burke repeatedly expressed his self-doubt. When one person was in doubt, the other could sooth him. When both of them were in doubt, who could come to their rescue?

What if those hands slip? That could cost 3 lives—the patient's life, Burke's life as a surgeon, and her life as a surgeon-to-be. Why didn't she support Burke's decision to come clean? Why did she push him so hard? It wasn't guilt she was feeling, but there was a lump in her throat, a sense of helplessness.

With the needle and thread in her hands, she prayed that she would not screw up. She was the brightest in her class, the best intern. Why was she overwhelmed by anxiety instead of a surge of excitement for performing something so advanced?

Why?

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Those hands were doing a wonderful job, moving swiftly up and down the heart. Nonetheless, Burke was holding his breath. He was nervous not because he thought those hands would fail him—had it been O'Malley, Grey, or Stevens, he would have every reason to be worried. But it was Cristina.

"I'm your intern."

His best intern. No question about that. But that wasn't the reason why he fell for her. He thought he saw a lot more in the woman than that. He thought they were heading somewhere. He thought he was Preston Burke to her, not just Dr. Burke.

Since when have they been back to the attending surgeon-intern relationship? It would have been ridiculous to expect her to say she'll be by his side because she's his girlfriend, but why did she have to reiterate that she's his intern? She told him he meant more than a surgeon to her, she told him she wanted to be supportive, but that didn't make him feel better.

Cristina did not discourage him from telling the Chief, but neither did she encourage it. Preston Burke was an honest man but it wasn't an easy task. Sometimes, he wished he were an intern again. He'd rather be following instructions than giving them. If Cristina was so good at pushing his rehabilitation, giving him directions and buying him chickens, why couldn't she just tell him what was the right thing to do?

Why?
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"So, you asked Burke to let you perform the running whip stitch," Meredith asked casually as they sat side by side in the basement.

"Yes, is there a problem?"

"You know, the two of you—"

"Bailey's going to send you to the pit for sleeping with your boss and getting special favor," Alex smirked.

"I don't think Dr. Burke was favoring Cristina. If we asked him, he would probably say yes."

"What's the big deal even if he's favoring me? Evil Spawn, if McSteamy likes men, I'm sure you'll let him get into your pants as well."

"You're sick, Cristina."

"You're jealous."

"If you keep on acting this way, you could get Burke into trouble," Meredith said.

"I—" Immediately, Cristina changed her tone. "I gotta go. Bye."

Alex and Meredith were taken aback. Looking at each other in silence, they were sure what they saw on Cristina's face wasn't coldness or contempt. It was fear.
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"Burke."

Cristina was disappointed that he was asleep. Never had she been so compelled to talk. She wanted to talk to him about things. It was a long day for both of them. As she looked at his steady breathing, she decided not to wake him up. Those long eye lashes, those remarkable features on his face. Cristina could not take her eyes off him.

This was the man who made her feel safe. This was her rock—when his eyes were closed. When they're open, they were clouded with sorrow, uncertainties, and fury. She wanted to help. She tried everything to help. It only seemed to have made matters worse. Gone was the confident surgeon who was at ease with himself. Gone was the glamour in his eyes. She thought it would make him feel better if he could operate again, but even when the patient's daughter threw herself over him to show her gratitude, Burke did not seem to be too sure of himself.

Meredith was right. If she did not assist him, he might kill a patient. If she kept on assisting him, he might lose the respect from his colleagues. Either way Cristina was stuck. Besides, how much longer could they conceal it from everyone else?

Preston Burke was the rock that she could hold on to from falling off the cliff, but now it's also become the rock that might sink her deep into the sea—unless she could keep it from rolling off the shore.

Seeing him stir in his sleep and his face twitch, Cristina knew he must be having a bad dream. In fact, both of them had been in the bad dream for too long.

Burke thought he was falling into a bottomless pit, he felt that someone gripped his hand. Strangely, he wanted to let go of it. It was bad enough to have one person fall, he didn't want to drag anyone down with him. But the harder he tried to shake it off, the firmer the grip became.

Why don't you just give up?

His reaction startled Cristina. He didn't realize he actually spitted out those words in his dream. When he opened his eyes, he saw Cristina starring right into his heart like a spear.

"I can't."
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"I can't imagine giving up," Cristina whispered.

Burke tried to piece everything together as he cleared his head from his dream. "I can't imagine moving on. I don't want to put your career into jeopardy."

"It's not about me, Burke."

"What?"

"It's about us. We need to tell the Chief."

Finally she said it. Burke was relieved that Cristina actually said it. That was the affirmation he wanted. It wasn't that he did not appreciate her help in the surgery. He knew she was making an effort, but among everything she did, this was the one he really needed. To him, it meant it was ok to her even if he was not fine.

"You think so?"

"We have to tell him that I'm ready to assist in all your surgeries—"

"Cristina," Burke was grinding his teeth and clutching his fists. He thought she understood, but what she just said only made him more frustrated. "Don't you understand that I am NOT fit for surgeries? If you said it's not about you, then why are you asking to be in all of my surgeries? Why did you tell me you value me not only as a surgeon but insist on pushing me back to that role when I'm not ready?"

"This isn't what I mean."

"I don't care about what you mean. My mother is right. You're selfish."

"Burke," Cristina inhaled enough oxygen into her lungs before she could speak again. "Selfish? Is that all you think about me? You said you wanted me to talk, you wanted me to open up, you wanted us to communicate, but you aren't even listening."

"You understand how hard it is for me to think about my hand each day? I can't operate anymore without killing somebody. My career is over."

"It's not true."

"It's not the truth you want to hear."

"You saved a life today."

"I almost killed him."

"You didn't. I was there. We worked as a team. That's what you should tell the Chief. Tell him you're not ready, tell him you want to hold off surgery but IF you must operate, you'll take me because I know when you need me."

"I thought you wanted me to hide my tremors."

"Not to the Chief. Whether he would tell the rest of the staff is none of our business. You know Sheppard cleared you and they all saw you perform a successful surgery today. From the hospital's standpoint, they might want their trophy surgeon to stay in that position."

Burke never thought about the Chief's reaction. Cristina's speculation had a grain of truth in it. Even if he let out the truth, Richard might not do anything about it—unless he wanted to fire him.

"Ok," Though not completely convinced, Burke nodded like a child who's obeying his mother's command.

"I'll go with you."

"What for?"

"I'll tell the Chief that I am REALLY into CT and request that I be put onto every dumb case in your department."

"You don't have to do that. It'll limit what you learn as an intern."

"Apparently Alex was in the vagina squad for months and he's learned a lot. Besides, people won't think that you're favoring me if I am assigned by the Chief to CT," Cristina had a small smile on her face. "They can always blame the Chief."
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"What if he decided that I should never operate again?"

The sadness in his eyes pained her. How she wished she had the talent in soothing him simply by her words.

"How about we go and talk to him first? One step at a time."

Burke was shocked. Not only was she supporting his decision to speak the truth, but she also thought of ways to maintain his reputation. What struck him the most was that she wasn't pushing him anymore, nor did she seem to want to leave.

"I'm sorry, Cristina."

"Why?"

"You shouldn't be going through all these."

"Why not? Because I am cold and selfish?"

"Don't say that. You're not selfish. I was being mean to you."

Cristina crept into the spot beside Burke like a gymnast. She missed his warmth and the way he snuggled her. This was the best part of the day, every day in her life. How could she give it up?

"Maybe I am selfish. If it's somebody else, I would have fled."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

It meant he's part of her and she had every reason to be selfish in tending to his needs.

Cristina smiled at the thought as she closed her eyes and let her lips fall on his.

Burke didn't need to know. Now if only the kiss could last forever…