Disclaimer: All characters and references belong to Stephenie Meyer. Silliness belongs to me. As the wise Sarah Noble once said, Fan fiction is dumb. Don't read it.
Dedicated to anyone who's ever waxed poetic over Edward Cullen.
Edward is only mildly upset
"Look, I'm only mildly upset," said Edward. "But it's not like I wouldn't know it was you."
"What do you mean?" asked Bella warily. "I thought you couldn't read my mind."
"Ah," he said. "But I can read everyone else's mind."
Bella looked blank. Funnily enough, it didn't look much different from her regular expressions.
"Look, it's really simple," he explained patiently. "Obviously, I eavesdropped on all the girls' minds today, and they were definitely not planning any nefarious deeds. Except Jessica Stanley, but that substitute teacher was way too old for her," he added with a shudder.
"And-" his eyes narrowed, preparing to administer his coup-de-grace- "Since no one else was thinking about it, it has to be you. Ergo."
"Ergo- what?"
"Just admit it, damnit!" Edward exclaimed. "I know you stole my sweater!"
"What sweater? There are lots of sweaters!"
"But this one," he hissed, "was mine. My blue, appropriate-for-cloudy-but-not-rainy-day sweater!"
Caught, Bella burst into unladylike tears. "All right! All right! I admit it! But it's your fault!"
"What?"
"I hardly feel attractive anymore!" she wailed, which meant she was angry, because Bella is normal, I tell you, NORMAL.
"Bella, what-"
"No one ever looks at me anymore, when you're around," she cried, looking accusingly at his perfect angelic features.
Now he was more confused than upset. He knew he was a popular topic for gossip, but…what?
"What- do…what do you mean?"
"They used to talk about me," she said passionately. "Now all I get is, 'hey, where's Cullen? Is Edward going to be there? Does he…work out? What's his sign?"'
Edward was nonplussed. He was used to the Forks girls' thoughts and inclinations towards himself and the rest of the Cullen clan, but-
"Tyler asked me if you were already going to the prom with me!"
"He asked that last year," he said slowly, but Bella would not be dissuaded.
"But I don't understand what this has to do with my sweater-"
"No one ever notices me when you wear that stupid sweater."
"Look, Bella, love," he said, smiling slightly. "You know that you're the only one for me, and I can't stop being-"
"Oh, it's easy for you," Bella said tragically. "You're just so…so perfect. You never see how all the boys look at you."
"You're the only girl- wait. What?"