Cats And Pigs Don't Mix

They sat on their custom perch, overlooking the garden before them. No matter what, they never tired of the view; but today, the view was a bit different, not that they weren't used to it, but it was a bit tiring how often their peaceful oasis was disturbed.

"They really need to learn the concept of modesty," the first voice said.

The second rolled his eyes, it wasn't like he hadn't heard it before and answered, "Well, it is their garden ya know." He had a slight lisp.

"SO? They're naked, outside no less. Any perve could spy on them and get their jollies off and they don't even care!" he hissed in outrage.

"Which perves? We're the only perves around for miles you idiot, and we've seen it so often it's lost any and all affect on us anyway."

"Still, they could go get a blanket or something at least," the voice mumbled.

They both looked outside as they watched the two girls out in the garden doing all sorts of wrong things with food. It never ceased to amaze them how creative the two girls could be with food, or any object for that matter, when it came to sex. The blonde would always protest vehemently in the beginning but the brunette would just smirk at her and then the next protest heard would be to not stop and it was a very loud protest at that. Though, they doubted if the girls even knew what the word stop meant.

"You would think with the amount of sex they have, they would be bored by now," the first voice commented.

"Or have done everything at least."

"It's that bloody Faith one, she's a bad influence. I mean, come on, who thinks of a Mars Bar as a sexual item?"

"Hey! You wanna step back there, Buffy's the one that came home with Karma Sutra, all excited about the different positions they haven't done yet."

"Ahh, but Faith's the one who showed her the bloody book in the first place. I doubt very much Buffy would have gone out and got it herself without it being implanted in her brain first."

"Oh, shut up you kiss ass, you just can't accept that your perfect little princess Buffy can have a wild side. I mean, come on, you've seen them have sex countless times and she's always the most vocal when it comes right down to it. Accept it, your little princess likes a good hard fuck." The second looked down at the blonde and started to leer at the view he was given of her ass. The first was suprised he wasn't drowning in his own drool.

"Ssshh, do you need to be so bloody crude about – heck what am I saying? You're Faith's friend; being crude is the only thing you know, And would you stop staring at her ass! It's not gonna magically come off and fly up here with the way you're concentrating so hard on it. Jesus."

"Hey, what can I say? My girl has taught me well; least I don't bottle it all up to end up screaming it loudly for the whole neighbourhood to hear, I'm surprised we haven't had the police around for suspicion of murder the way that girl screams. You would think she was being tortured and not in the good way if you know what I mean." He wiggled his eyebrows for affect and sported a familiar smirk.

"FAITH! What are you doing with that whipped cream?" Buffy squealed.

They both looked quickly over at the girls only to see Buffy half covered in whipped cream and Faith only too happy to help her clean it off.

"Look at that, Sly! Ya see, it's all Faith, she's the one that corrupted my girl; she used to be all sweet and innocent and would have blushed at the mention of a kiss and now look at her!" Poor guy, thought the second he looked on the brink of tears for the innocence of his girl.

"Gord, are you ever going to remove that fucking stick up your ass? God knows your girl has. You have been going on at me forever about 'perfect Buffy this' and 'sweet innocent Buffy that.' Well, guess what, Gord? She's not sweet, innocent Buffy anymore, she's 'screaming till her throat is raw while being fucked in every way imaginable' Buffy now."

"You're such a pig."

"Ironic. Since last time I checked, you're the one that looked like a pig and a stupid fucking pink pig at that."

"Hey, at least I'm not an idiotic cat with a stupid bloody lisp that can't even catch a flipping canary. It's a bird! In a cage! How the hell can you not catch it? Pick up the cage while he's in it and put it in the oven. Boom! Done dead bird, all nice and roasted, that wasn't hard was it," the pig commented victoriously.

"There is something called finesse you know, where's the challenge in putting the bird in the oven, and I'll have you know that that stupid bird is a slippery bugger that can outthink you any day of the week. And have you seen that granny! She has an umbrella. AN UMBRELLA. You ever been spanked on the ass with an umbrealla? Well, let me tell you it's no picnic in the park."

Gord rolled his eyes.

"What ever you say, cat."

Sly glared at him.

"Anyway, we all know your Buffy isn't good enough for my girl. For years I've had to be there to comfort her after that stupid bitch kept turning her away. Who's shoulder do you think she cried on. Mine. Thats who's. Fucking self-righteous bottle-blonde cheerleader always whining and complaining. I would have expected her head to have fucking exploded by now from that ego of hers, Though from the looks of it, your girl's gonna have my girl's head exploding any minute now." Sly looked on, impressed at the scene in the garden. I really should have a notepad to take notes when these two get going, he thought.

"Oh yes, Buffy, right there," Faith moaned.

"What, here?" Buffy asked teasingly.

"Fuck, yes!" Faith screamed.

"WHAT!! Buffy's not good enough for Faith?!? If anyone's not good enough, it's that psycho slut from hell. 'Oh Buffy, I loveeee you. Oh wait, no, I hate you, I'm going to kill you. Oh Buffy, no, I love you really. Oh, is that your boyfriend? Let's go sleep with him.' Bi-fucking-polar much! I mean that's really true love, isn't it? Trying to kill your boyfriend, sleeping with your next boyfriend, then fucking her boss in her own bloody bed. My god, why didn't I think of it before that's really the missing scenes from fucking Romeo and Juliet, isn't it!" Gord panted erratically after his passionate speech.

"There now, didn't that feel better to get that all out? You want a hug."

Sly moved towards Gord to give him a hug, but Gord shoved him away.

"Piss off, you stupid cat. I don't need you to patronize me."

Sly held his hands up and backed away slowly.

"Hey, who said I was patronizing you? Just trying to give a friend some comfort, that's all." The comment was slightly ruined by the permanent smirk Sly had attached to his face.

"Oh, go fuck Daffy Duck; he looks like he could use a good fuck up the ass with all that stress he has going on."

"Nah, he has Elmer for that."

"Shit seriously! How the hell did that happen?"

"Yearly Christmas get-together, let's just say that they both had a few too many tequilas and they ended up in the elevator doing so many wrong things with Elmer's shotgun," Sly said, shivering in disgust. "I'll never be able to look at Duck's beaks the same way ever again."

Gord whistles. "Wooo, you Looney Toons are a wild lot, aren't you?"

"You think we're bad, you should see the Disney guys. Now, they really know the meaning of fucked up I tell ya, God, freaks me out just thinking about it."

"Really, what goes on over there?" Gord looks at Sly curiously.

"Believe me, don't want to fucking know. Give you nightmares just thinking about it, let's just say that Mickey is one fucked up son of a bitch."

"Erm…o…kay."

"What the fuck are those two doing now? The way they get on, you would think that the missionary position is a sin against all that's holy."

Sly and Gord looked down to see Buffy holding Faith against a tree while she periodically reached for the low fat yogurt beside her.

"You know, Faith, I always wanted to know what my two favourite tastes combined will be like, and now I'm going to find out."

"Oh fuck, B!" Faith moaned while squirming against Buffy for some much needed friction.

Buffy tied Faith's hands behind the tree and then started to spread the yogurt all over her body, making sure to get to all the most vital spots of course. Faith moaned under her ministrations, the contrast of the cold yogurt on her overheated skin; it was divine. Buffy grinned as she finished her masterpiece and started to nibble her way up Faith's neck to her ear.

"Happy anniversary, Faithy."

"This is the best fucking anniversary ever, B."

Sly and Gord looked on, wincing as they watched Buffy bite particularly, hard on one of Faith's more vital body parts.

"Happy anniversary, Gord," Sly said while grinning manically at him.

"How the hell I've put up with you for 5 years, I'll never know," Gord protested while rubbing his temples.

"Easy, I have a dazzling personality and a great ass." Which being said, Sly then proceeded to turn round to admire himself.

"Stupid, cat."

"Least I'm not called 'Mr. Gordo,' what the hell kinda name is that for a pig?"

"Least I can pronounce my name S-Y-L-V-E-S-T-E-R," Gordo taunted, dancing around Sylvester, doing some pigged out version of a irish jig.

"Hey, now that's uncalled for! That's a sensitive subject!"

While the cat and the pig continued with their never-ending argument, the blonde and the brunette went on, completely oblivious to their closest childhood friends debate as they played. The two wound up asleep under the stars a few hours later with the silent sentries of the cat and pig watching over them.

Well, as silent as a opinionated pig and dirty-mouthed cat can be.

The End