Disclaimer: I profusely, explicitly disclaim ownership of Nanaki. He doesn't belong to me, okay?
The Fall
I remember the first time I ever rode a roller coaster: Speed Square at the Gold Saucer with Cloud and the others. I'll admit it—I was afraid. I was doing something I'd never done before, going outside of my own boundaries. I didn't know what would or could happen at any moment. I felt my safety was out of my control. I remember the ride began, and we began our ascent up the first hill. Before I knew it, the three of us had reached the top of that hill and the cart had halted, poised for what seemed like an eternity at the mouth of that ride. Fear welled up and up inside me until it felt like I could no longer hold it in. Looking down, I could see the fall before me; the rails of the coaster fell steeply away and turned and winded and fell again into the night. Turning my head back I could see the entrance to the ride and the entrance to the square and to the rest of the Gold Saucer and to the rest of world beyond that, under the veil of the night. I wanted off. But what could I do? The fall lay ahead, and it would come now whether or not I wanted off.
There is so much I need to say... And it pains me that I can't get it all together in one place in my head. It's like a puzzle flying by me, piece by piece, so that I can never see the whole picture at once. Maybe that's why I'm speaking now, because tomorrow, and the day after that, and next week, and who-knows-what after that, are creeping up behind me.
I've found this strange feeling emerging inside me lately. I can't describe it. Like a touch of fear and anxiety, exhilaration and even excitement to some extent. It makes my thoughts restless. It's become so that I can never even pin myself to one thought anymore. I can't think of what it is making me feel this way or of anything else for that matter. Often times I'll find my mind revolving uneasily around nothing at all, for no reason at all. With my mind on end like this, I myself can do nothing but be on end.
Many times these days I find I just can't stay in one place for any length of time. I'll find myself wandering restlessly from place to place around the canyon with no aim or destination. That feeling overtakes me everywhere I go, and I feel like I'm going to be caught or captured by something. My solution, my remedy for this, has been to keep moving, never to let myself stay still, for it seems that by moving I may yet be able to stay ahead of whatever it is, at least for a while longer.
But occasionally I do manage to piece a few thoughts of some obscured meaning together, though I never can fully realize why or from where they have come. It feels as though my entire life has led to this point, and now I'm waiting impatiently for something to happen. But maybe I already know for what I'm waiting. Maybe I can see it coming, and that's why I'm so restless and anxious and afraid.
It seems I'm losing now. As much as I keep moving, I can't get away from the fact that my existence has built up and come to its halting climax. I can finally see I'm at the top of that hill, looking down at the inevitable fall to come. It's been an eternity living like this.
Looking back at my life, I can see that I shouldn't be afraid. It truly has been good for me for as long as I can remember. I've done everything I ever could have wanted to; really, I've lived my life to the fullest. But that feeling is still ever-present, and there is nothing I can do to alleviate it. Soon enough the cart will start its rolling again, and before I know it, it'll all be over. As much as I hate it, I can't run. The truth, grim as it may be, is I can do nothing but sit here, look restively ahead, and wait to fall.