Sid's Story
This is the story of Sid's state of mind through his fitful and somewhat turbulent courtship of the beautiful Cassie from before 'Episode one' up to the time he finally makes her his own.
It was lunchtime on a Saturday. Sid was, as usual, 'hanging out' with his friends, Tony and Michelle. He had no girlfriend of his own, but he had nursed a crush on Tony's girlfriend, Michelle for many years. Tony started reminding him about his single status, and his approaching sixteenth birthday, when all his other peers were in relationships of one sort or another. This ménage à trois was sitting round a table in the Cabot Circus McDonald's, finishing their Big Mac meals.
"This is getting embarrassing." said Tony, "All your contemporaries have girlfriends and you're still on your own and still a virgin. You're very nearly sixteen. As I said, this is embarrassing."
"It's quite normal for a sixteen-year-old to still be a virgin." said Sid, "What about Anwar, Jal and Maxxie?"
"That's not the point." said Tony, "Its embarrassing for me to have a best friend who hasn't 'popped his cherry'. Anyway, Anwar's religion prevents him from having a girlfriend. Jal's devoted to her music and Maxxie only likes boys."
"Well," said Sid, "What are you going to do about it."
"I'll have to think about that one, but actually, it's your job to find yourself a girl." said Tony, "No one else's, but if you haven't done something in the next month or so, I suppose I'll have to act. Obviously, you can't be my best friend if you're still a virgin when you're sixteen."
"That's not fair, Tony." said Michelle, "Sid can stay a virgin for as long as he likes. That's up to him. If he finds a girlfriend, all well and good, but you don't have to force him."
"I'm still thinking he should be involved with a girl by the time he's sixteen," said Tony, "Otherwise, everyone will think he's gay."
"Don't I get some say in this?" asked Sid.
"No, Sid." said Tony, "If nothing's happened before you're sixteen, we're going to do something about it."
"We!?" queried Michelle.
"Yes," said Tony, "We. You're just as much Sid's friend as I am. We're both going to be involved."
"Thanks for volunteering me." said Michelle, with a hint of sarcasm.
"All part of our service to our friend here." said Tony, "Nips, I'd like it if you gave some thought as to who might like to fuck Sid."
"That might quite hard." said Michelle, "And don't call me 'Nips'."
"Why not?" said Tony, "It suits you."
"Because I find it annoying." said Michelle.
With this bit of banter, the trio left McDonald's and spent the next hour or so wandering round the shopping centre, window shopping and generally chatting about inconsequential matters, but driven by Tony, the subject kept coming around to Sid's virginal status.
It wasn't as if Sid didn't like girls, but his ideas about when a teenager should get involved with 'the opposite sex' were a little out of kelter with his peers. He had been persuaded by his parents, and other family members, that relationships with girls would have to wait until he had finished his education. They were considered to be a distraction from his studies. Like most boys of his age, he was curious about girls, and did indulge in mild pornography. He was also very friendly with his best friend's girlfriend, Michelle. But, as yet, he had not made any progress in obtaining a girlfriend of his own. The fact that he was awkward and shy around girls did not help.
A few days before Sid's sixteenth birthday, Tony made his move. Another female friend of his, Abigail Stock, was holding an overnight house party that evening. He phoned round all his friends and tried to get them to go to the party. After this, the trio met at Sid's favourite café, to discuss the forthcoming evening. Several scenarios were discussed. Although preparations were made for more than one of these, the trio decided that the most likely way of ending Sid's virginity would be to introduce him to a rather troubled girl called Cassie. The final decision was made fairly rapidly.
"Who's stupid enough to fuck Sid?" asked Tony, when he was discussing the party in the café.
"Cassie?" suggested Michelle.
"She's still in hospital." commented Sid.
"They let her out." said Michelle, "She's just not allowed to handle knives."
Sid's reaction was less than enthusiastic.
"All right." said Sid, "She'll do."
As he would find out very gradually, this was the understatement of the century. At Abigail's party, Sid was introduced to Cassie with the expectation that the couple might 'get it together'. This did not happen. Instead, Sid began to get to know Cassie as a person. Much to his delight, this girl was easy to talk to. He felt relaxed in her company. While the couple were laying side by side on a trampoline in the garden, she linked her fingers with his. This was clearly a sign that Cassie had taken a liking to Sid. He didn't appear to respond. A week or so later, Michelle held an overnight party. Sid spent more time with Cassie, getting to know her better, rather than doing what his 'best' friend, Tony was expecting. He found himself conflicted. His mind was telling him that this girl might have problems, while his heart was telling him to 'go for her'. At lunchtime after Michelle's party, he admitted to Cassie that he cared about her. By the end of the day, he committed his first blunder. Cassie had tried to find out how he felt about her by tackling him about some mysterious text messages she had been receiving. He looked at her phone, but could not find any messages.
"There aren't any messages on here." said Sid.
"What?" said Cassie.
"There aren't any messages on your phone, Cass." said Sid.
"I thought - I thought you liked me." said Cassie, her eyes beginning to fill with tears.
Sid had completely misread this encounter. All he could say was: "What?"
This was not the answer Casssie wanted. She was clearly upset. She ran off, crying, leaving Sid wondering about her. During the next few weeks, Cassie was beginning to occupy more of his thought processes. He was just beginning to listen to what his heart was telling him. By this time, several things about Cassie were becoming clear to Sid. Firstly, she was not 'stupid'. In fact, she was intelligent, perceptive, articulate, kind, compassionate and had a gentle nature. It had not escaped Sid's notice that she was very beautiful and possessed an unbelievably bright smile that captivated him. Unfortunately, he could not put his feelings for Michelle out of his mind. The other thing that his mind was telling him was that Cassie, with her exceptional beauty, was 'way out of his league', and therefore unobtainable. Surprisingly, it was Cassie who took the initiative. She persuaded Sid to go on a 'date' with her. They agreed on an evening they would spend together. It was at this point that a number of factors came into play. Sid's dad grounded him until he had completed some course work. He told Cassie that the date was off because of the grounding. She said she would call on him anyway. Neither Sid nor Cassie had taken Tony's activities into account. Although he was in a steady relationship with Michelle, he was more than interested in Abigail Stock, who attended an independent girls' school near Roundview. He used the occasion of a choir concert at the girls' school, which involved both him and Abigail, to set up a spat with Michelle. He persuaded Sid to come, in spite of being grounded, so that he could look after Michelle after she walked out on Tony. Sid came. The chain of events that followed resulted in Cassie attempting suicide and ending up first in hospital, then in a rehab clinic.
Cassie's absence from his life forced Sid evaluate his feelings for her. He was, at last listening to his heart. He realised that he was in love with her. All sorts of emotions were expressing themselves in his mind. He had cared about Cassie pretty well since he had been introduced to her. That caring feeling had now developed into a deep and sincere love for her. He also felt a strong sense of guilt. He felt partly responsible for Cassie's attempted suicide. He was also beginning to feel contempt for his 'friend' Tony, who had set up the choir concert incident to spend some time with Abigail, not thinking about who he might hurt by his actions. The end result of this chain of events was that Cassie's parents took her to Elgin in Northern Scotland, 500 miles away from Bristol. They felt that life was not working out for their daughter in Bristol.
For a period, Sid kept up a long distance relationship with Cassie, they would send each other videos emails and letters. They also communicated via a chatline. This went on without problems until Cassie started planning a surprise visit to Sid. Sid tried to get the video side of the chatline going just as Cassie was trying out some sexy underwear and getting the opinions of her gay flatmates. He managed to initiate a one way video link at a very awkward moment. Cassie's webcam was working, but Sid's was not. Because Cassie could neither see nor hear Sid, she went back to what she was doing. What Sid saw was Lachlan apparently stripping her naked. He drew his own conclusions!
That evening, in a fit of jealous rage, Sid ended his relationship with Cassie. The next morning, he found that his father had died shortly after bidding him 'goodnight' the previous evening. These two happenings, occurring so close to each other, broke Sid's heart and his spirit. He had been so emotionally overwhelmed that he felt numb. For a day or two, he was little more than a living zombie.
Sid hoped that a camping trip to the Gower in South Wales on Michelle's birthday might provide a diversion, but his thoughts were only of darkness, gloom and infinite loneliness. On the Saturday evening, Sid slipped away from the group so he could be alone with his thoughts. He was sitting in a dip between two sand dunes, looking out to sea. Memories of his girlfriend, Cassie invaded his mind. He remembered her warmth, her sweetness and her beauty. He remembered the times they had been together and the effect she had on him. When he remembered this, tears filled his eyes, because he believed he would never experience her presence again. Although they had not yet managed to arrange a proper 'date', Cassie had penetrated his psyche and had become part of him. Now she was gone, he felt an emptiness of a kind he had never felt before. His thoughts then turned to his dad, who had died on the same evening that he broke up with Cassie. His relationship with his dad had been abrasive at times, but he did love him and missed him more than he expected. These two sets of thoughts served to generate a dark cloud over him. He was beginning to consider that his life was no longer had any value. His sense that his life was worthless began to play on him. After all, he thought, if he disappeared, there was no one left who would miss him. Even his mother had walked out on him a few months ago, and had only come back because his father was dead. He looked at the sea and began to think about drowning himself. He had heard that drowning was the least painful form of suicide. He was working up the courage to go into the sea and end his pitiful life when Michelle found him.
"'Chelle, I'm so lonely." said Sid, tears streaming down his cheeks.
"I know." said Michelle, gently.
Despite being in love with Cassie, Sid did still have a lot of affection for Michelle. She was also on her own, because she had lost patience with Tony's slow recovery from a brain injury and had 'dumped' him. The couple embraced, kissed and lay together in the dunes for a while. They experienced total intimacy with each other. By Sunday morning, they had become a couple. For the time being, Sid was happy. He had made love to the girl he had desired for over nine years. The couple returned to Bristol to continue their new relationship. When Sid entered his bedroom, heavily involved in undressing Michelle, he heard a familiar voice.
"Hello Sid. Hello Michelle." said the voice.
Cassie quietly left the bedroom, leaving Sid and Michelle to their intimate activities. The couple were not sure whether Cassie had actually been there, or whether they had imagined her. They decided that, since they believed that Cassie was still in Scotland, the voice and the girl were figments of their imaginations. They continued their lovemaking. For the time being, they tried to keep their relationship secret from their immediate group of friends. Sid was really enjoying the company of his new girlfriend. They did discuss when they would break the news to their friends, but their cover was blown the following Wednesday when Cassie appeared in the club and told everyone about the relationship.
Cassie's slap hurt Sid emotionally far more than he thought possible. He now realised he had betrayed Cassie's love for him and that the incident with Lachlan had just been a serious misunderstanding. He did continue his association with Michelle, but now felt really guilty about it. In time, Tony recovered his faculties, and tried to reclaim his girlfriend.
Sid was now alone again. Michelle had broken up with Sid, but did not renew her relationship with Tony. Cassie was living in Chris's flat and had turned to casual prostitution and drug dealing, both to earn a little money, and to send a message that 'I am still desirable'.
Sid's morale and mood were now, once again, at rock bottom. From his point of view, life once again held little value. He was no longer seeing Michelle. He had, by misunderstanding what Cassie had been doing with Lachlan, destroyed the beautiful relationship he had with her. He was no longer on good speaking terms with Tony. In addition, he had still not got over the loss of his father. In short, both his heart and his spirit had, once again, been shattered.
He was, once again, not far short of contemplating suicide.
One afternoon, in desperation, he went to Tony's house, but did not, at that moment, have the courage to actually knock on the door and go in to see Tony. When Effy and her new friend Pandora came from their school, he was sitting in the front garden near the rubbish bins. Once they were inside, it did not take long for Effy to analyse his predicament. Once Tony had gone upstairs after telling him to get Michelle back for him, Effy sat down next to him and started speaking.
"You're an idiot." said Effy, "You're fucking the wrong girl."
Sid nodded in agreement.
"It's Cassie you love." continued Effy, "You only got mixed up with Michelle because, let's face it, men are dicks, and there was no-one else to screw, which is totally fucking pathetic. Isn't it?"
"Has anyone ever told you, Effy," said Sid, "This whole sneaking up on people, getting inside their heads, it's not cool."
"I'm right, though." said Effy.
"You're always right!" said Sid, "You and your fucking brother! You're always fucking, - fucking right."
Following a brief discussion about the age of the milk Sid was drinking, Sid got up, started walking around, and opened up to Effy.
"Shit! Why do I always screw up?" asked Sid.
"You do seem pretty good at it, though." said Effy.
"Cass won't talk to me." continued Sid.
"What makes you think that?" asked Effy.
"Came in the post." said Sid, showing a photo to Effy.
On the back of it were written the words 'Fuck off and die' in red felt tip.
"My life is a total shit pile again." continued Sid, "My best friend - I fucked it up. My girlfriend - I fucked it up. My other girlfriend - I fucked it up."
"You'd give anything to have it all fixed." said Effy, "But you're incapable of anything involving effort, focus or subtlety."
"Yep." said Sid.
"Women are a total mystery to you." said Effy.
"You got it." said Sid.
"Any good at art?" said Effy.
"Course not." said Sid, "Why?"
"My art coursework." remarked Effy, "It's on the subject of emotion and you seem quite - emotional. - So you can do it for me.
"And?" queried Sid.
"Oh, for Christ's sakes!" exclaimed Effy, "I'll sort out your fucking soap opera."
"You will?" asked Sid.
"Just this once." said Effy.
For once, the Stonem family's talent for manipulation worked in his favour. In order to 'help' Sid, Effy set up a meeting between Cassie and a young friend of hers called Jake. She took several pictures of the couple kissing, printed them, and stuck them on Sid. He was sleeping off the effects of half a bottle of brandy in Effy's bedroom after spending most of the night doing Effy's art coursework.
When Sid woke up, he found the photos. They roused feelings of jealousy, desire and rage in Sid. At last he felt energised enough to confront Cassie. He ran all the way from Tony's house to Chris's flat, where Cassie was living. After forcing his way past Chris, he confronted Cassie about her recent behaviour. During this confrontation, Cassie kept her eyes focussed on Sid. Her steady gaze took only 56 seconds to calm Sid's jealous rage, and reduce him to a quivering, tearful wreck. He was just about to walk away when she got up from the armchair, persuaded him to stay, embraced him and showed him her love.
At long last, it seemed that the romance between Sid and Cassie had got under way. Sid was now happy and was gaining confidence in his own abilities, inspired by the love of this marvellous girl. His life and his thoughts were now filled with warmth, sunlight and optimism. His regular interactions with Cassie were beginning to convince him that he had found his true love, and his life partner. They were now really part of each other, totally in love with each other and with life. Happiness suited her.
It seemed that the relationship between Sid and Cassie was a match made in Heaven. True, their personalities were totally different from each other, but this was what made the partnership work so well. Cassie's nature was to be a dreamer, and she would sometimes let her flights of fancy run away with her. She needed someone solid, steady and reliable to keep her feet on the ground. Sid was just that person. Another side effect of Sid's love for her was that her anorexia and bouts of depression appeared to have subsided. She was happy, secure and inwardly contented. Life felt beautiful. Once Sid was confident that he was in a full loving relationship with Cassie, he would never let her down. His love for her was unbreakable. For his part, Sid needed a partner who would bring light, cheer and wonder into his rather dark, ordinary life. Cassie was just that person. She inspired him to achieve his goals. She inspired him to reveal his latent self-confidence. It did not occur to him at the time, but he had achieved his ambition to 'be like Tony'. He was now a self-confident young man, who knew his own mind. He was also in a strong relationship with just about the prettiest girl in Bristol.
Fate is a cruel master. A couple of weeks before the 'A' level results were expected, Cassie's flatmate, Chris died in her gentle arms. He had suffered a fatal subarachnoid haemorrhage. This so traumatised Cassie, that she ran as far away as she could from this horrible event. She fetched up in New York. She had not told anyone where she had gone.
Poor Sid was heartbroken. Everything had been going so well. The couple were even beginning to talk about marriage. Now Cassie had vanished without trace, his hopes and dreams were shattered. Of the three 'hammer blows' suffered in his relationship with Cassie; her attempted suicide, the misunderstanding over Lachlan and now her disappearance, this was the heaviest and hardest to bear. Sid had invested nearly all his emotional capital in Cassie. Now, it seemed, that investment had been in vain. It seemed to Sid, that he was right back at square one. He tried not to show his feelings in public, but tears were never far away.
Immediately following the disappearance of his sweet Cassie, Sid was merely existing. He didn't smile any more. When asked about Cassie, he would say that she was just a passing fancy and no longer meant anything to him. Although he was keeping up an appearance of normality, he was deeply depressed. In short, he was in denial.
Although he did not reveal his feelings for Cassie to his friends, he was thinking about her nearly all the time. He worried about her. He wondered where she was. What depressed him most was the thought that she might have killed herself. Every time this one surfaced, he cried bitterly. This was an outcome he did not want to contemplate.
On the morning when the 'A' level results were delivered, Sid's post included a postcard from New York. His address was handwritten. He recognised Cassie's writing. On the front of the card was the legend: "I (love heart) you NY - but you're dragging me down". This told him that she was alive, but thousands of miles away, and possibly very lonely. He felt totally powerless, totally unable to do anything about it.
After a few weeks, Sid's state of mind had not improved. He was in a constant state of deep depression. Tony took action, in collusion with both Michelle's and Sid's parents. He secretly arranged for Sid to travel to New York to try to find Cassie. Anna, Michelle's mother, had a contact living on Grand Street, Manhattan, Grant Clifford, who owed her a favour and owned an empty apartment. He let Sid stay there while he looked for Cassie. Sid's flight and accommodation were taken care of.
Once he was in Manhattan, it took Sid nearly a week, with Grant Clifford's help, to find Cassie. Cassie was overjoyed to see him, but didn't want to return to the UK immediately. This disappointed Sid, as he was hoping to bring Cassie back home and resume his relationship with her. Since he had found her and didn't want to lose her again, he stayed in the USA with her.
The couple travelled around the States for about eighteen months, using the time to get to know each other properly. Both Sid and Cassie were relatively happy. They 'worked their passage', finding short term cash-in-hand jobs to pay for transport, accommodation and food. Eventually, after exploring the mid-West, they reached Arizona. The journey from the Grand Canyon to Phoenix proved frustrating and took five separate stages. Sid booked the couple into a cheap motel in Phoenix and then, against Cassie's inclination, insisted that the couple go out for a drink 'to drown the frustrations of the day'. Sid had clearly misread Cassie's mood, because he chose this occasion to propose marriage to her.
"Cass," said Sid, "There's a question I've been wanting to ask you, but I've been putting it off day by day."
"What's that?" asked a clearly tired Cassie.
"I Love you, sweet Cassie." began Sid, "I've always loved you. I will always love you. We've been more or less together for nearly four years now."
"So," asked Cassie, "What is it you wanted to ask me?"
"I'd love it if we could make our relationship official," said Sid, "Or, in other words, will you marry me?"
"No, Sid." said Cassie firmly, "I won't."
Sid was clearly taken aback by this refusal. He was even more hurt by what Cassie said Next.
"Why not?" asked Sid.
"As you said," said Cassie, "We've been together for a long time, and we get on very well with each other. We love each other, but that isn't enough. I still have 'I hate everything' times and I don't want to inflict them on you. Also, if we stayed together, it would have to be forever, but our relationship has travelled as far as it can. Tomorrow morning, we should say 'goodbye' to each other, go our separate ways, and never see each other again."
Sid was dumbfounded. He had no counterargument. Reluctantly, he agreed to Cassie's proposal. The couple solemnly vowed never to try to find each other again. That night, they slept in separate beds for the first time for nearly two years. The next morning, Cassie had not changed her mind. She made her way back to the Big Apple, while Sid headed for Los Angeles and a flight home.
The enormity of what had happened did not hit Sid for a couple of days. He was sitting at an internet terminal in San Diego, booking a flight home from his next destination, Los Angeles, when it seemed that a cloud of depression suddenly enveloped him. He realised that he would never see Cassie's smiling face again, nor experience her loving touch, her warmth or her inspiration. He felt lonelier than he had ever been before. He had experienced the love and companionship of a wonderful girl and had lost it. His mind was beginning to fill up with 'if onlys'.
"If only I'd read her mood correctly that evening in Phoenix, she'd still be with me."
"If only I'd had a counter argument, she'd still be with me."
"If only we'd had an easier journey down from Flagstaff, she might have accepted my proposal, and even if she hadn't, she'd still be with me."
It seemed to Sid that love had eluded him once again. Although he was deeply depressed, he had come to the conclusion that life had to go on. At this point, he felt that Suicide was not a way out. He returned to his home in Bristol and was, once again living with his mother. A pleasant, but somewhat bittersweet experience was spending time with Tony and Michelle. They had become engaged on the same weekend as the Royal Wedding in 2011, and were now beginning to look forward to their wedding. Once he had settled, he found steady employment. He obtained a post as an administrative assistant in a government office. He was still depressed. It seemed that he would never get over Cassie. She had been an essential part of his life and his being for too long for him to be able to erase her from his consciousness.
One afternoon in May, some time later, he let his depression get the better of him. He was once again thinking about suicide. He was sitting in front of his computer, imagining what it would be like to cease to exist. He idly Googled the word 'oblivion'. Clicking on one of the links produced a website called 'Oblivion', he found it comprised a gallery of photographs of a breathtakingly beautiful, but melancholy looking girl with wonderful brown eyes. His heart leapt, as he recognised her as his beloved Cassie. By closely inspecting some of the pictures taken in the street, he deduced that they were taken in Hampstead in North London. Despite his solemn vow never to try to find Cassie, he desperately wanted to find her. After talking to first to his mother, and then Tony, he followed their advice and called Maxxie, who was thought to be still be living in that area. At last, there was light at the end of his long tunnel. He had 'struck gold'. Maxxie had been served by Cassie in the café where she was working about a fortnight previously. He offered to find out her shifts. Since he now had a girlfriend, he would get her to find this information.
On a Saturday morning, a couple of weeks later, and with some trepidation, Sid entered the café. He needn't have worried. When Cassie recognised him, she embraced him and burst into tears of joy. The sense of relief Sid felt was tangible. He felt that a crushing weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Before he returned to Bristol, he spent the afternoon and evening alone with Cassie. She confessed to him that the solemn vow she had made not to try to find him was the worst decision she had ever made. She was glad that Sid had broken it. During their lengthy discussion, that evening, Cassie said she would love to resume their relationship. Sid was the one person she had missed most during their time apart.
As they had found out from bitter experience during the last two years, living away from each other was not an option. They had become too much part of each other. A week after Sid had visited the café to find Cassie, she moved to Bristol to live with Sid. After a few months, Sid took Cassie to their favourite seat on Brandon Hill and once again, and with some apprehension, asked her if she would marry him. Much to his immense relief, she accepted. At long last, things were coming right for both Sid and his sweet Cassie. Cassie's dad gave his blessing to the union and said he would 'give his daughter away' at the wedding.
The two weddings, Tony/Michelle and Sid/Cassie, took place within a couple of months of each other. Both couples married at St Mary Redcliffe church in Bristol. Michelle and Cassie served as chief bridesmaids at each other's wedding. Little Reuben, Cassie's little brother, as the pageboy at her wedding captured more than a few hearts.
For their honeymoon, Sid and Cassie had a fly-drive holiday in the South Western United States. They completed their travels of a couple of years previously. When they arrived in Phoenix, they made a point of visiting the bar where Sid had proposed earlier, 'to make it a happy place' again and to make a solemn pledge of foreverness.
At very long last, Sid was a contented and happy young man. He had, many years earlier, been introduced purely by chance to the one girl who was a perfect match for him. He was now married to her and didn't, indeed couldn't imagine any other outcome. True, it had been a bumpy ride, but he had achieved a serenity and happiness that was the envy of his former friends. Sid turned out to be a 'stayer' and at no time during their long and fruitful marriage, they had four children, did his love for his Cassie waver.