A Mid-Commanwealthian Night's Dream
Originally by William Shakespeare
Andromeda belongs to Tribune
Farscape belongs to Jim Henson Company
By: Rommie and Beka
Dylan Hunt, Duke Of Commonwealthia
Trance, Queen Of The Purple People, engaged to Dylan
Ignatius, father of Rebecca
Tyr and Telemachus, suitors to Rebecca
Rebecca, in love with Tyr
Rommie, in love with Rhade
D'Argo, master of the revels in the court
Rygel, a carpenter
John, a weaver
Bialar, a bellows mender
Jothee, a tinker
Stark, joint maker
Rafe, a tailor
Seamus, King of the fairies
Chiana, Queen Of The Fairies
Rev Bem
Aeryn, Zhaan, Pilot and Jool, fairies
I.1 Enter Dylan, Trance, D'Argo, with others.
DYLAN Oh Trance, I'm so excited for our wedding! Is it Friday yet? If only the moon would hurry up and rise and set four more times!
TRANCE Don't worry Dylan, it'll go by in a snap!
DYLAN Go D'Argo, and make everyone in the three galaxies happy and cheerful! Oh…and take this stack of invitations, too, would you? Remember, only people who have enough money to get a very nice gift for us get one!
Exit D'Argo
Enter Ignatius, his daughter Rebecca, Tyr and Telemachus
IGNATIUS Hey Dylan! Wazzup?
DYLAN Wazzup?!
IGNATIUS Wazzup?!
DYLAN Wazzup?!
IGNATIUS I'm pissed at Beka. I want her to marry Telemachus, here, who is from an excellent pride, and is a very nice young man. Yet she wants to marry Tyr Anasazi, of the obliterated Kodiak pride, a man who has murdered more people than I've sold Flash to! Tyr, you've seduced her with promises of money and love, making me out to be the enemy, when it's really you who want her for your own evil purposes! Dylan, you need to remind Beka that if she doesn't marry Telemachus, she dies!
DYLAN Let's here your side of the story, Beka. Just remember, your dad's my dealer; so he's probably gonna win no matter what. And I happen to know that Telemachus can grow muscles, and doesn't wear much clothing!
BEKA Neither does Tyr!
DYLAN Yeah, but your father likes Telemachus!
BEKA I wish my dad could see this from my perspective!
DYLAN Have you ever thought how he might feel about this?
BEKA Look, not to insult you or anything, because I know you're like, the all knower of all, but what's the worste that could happen?
DYLAN You could be killed, or you would have to become a nun.
BEKA Ok, anything's better than marrying him!
DYLAN Why don't you think this over. On the day that me and Trance get to be married and live happily ever after and have lots of kids, you can decide to die, leave and never see a man again, or marry Telemachus.
TELEMACHUS Give it up, Beka! Tyr, leave her alone!
TYR I assure you, I have and give full devotion from and to Rebecca. If you love her father so much, perhaps you would do better to wed with him, eh?
TELEMACHUS Yeah, I do love him, and no, not in that way, you perverts, and he's her kid, so…. yeah! I deserve to marry her!!!
TYR Dylan, I have just as good genes as Telemachus, just as much money, and just as much practice in killing people and disposing of my enemies. I also have Rebecca's love. Perhaps it would interest you to know that Telemachus has been courting the fair Andromeda. She is utterly in love with him, yet he is willing to leave her without a thought for your money.
DYLAN Yeah…I thought I heard something about that. Um, anyway, think over it, Beka. Now, Telemachus, Ignatious, come on! We still need to discuss the bachelor party.
IGNATIUS Ok.
Exit all but Beka and Tyr
TYR What's wrong, Rebecca?
BEKA I'm depressed, you idiot!
TYR Well, I must admit that I have never read of true love working out. It's always said to be a trick the DNA plays to replicate itself, or someone close to them betrays them.
BEKA It just never works.
TYR Or else they died.
BEKA Well, the universe has been around for a really long time, I'm sure it's happened before. It's sure to happen again, right?
TYR Yes, I suppose you're right. All right, I have a plan. We can go to the house of my former wife's pride's matriarch, and get married there, out of the reach of Commonwealthian law. If you truly love me, you sneak out of the Maru tomorrow night, and meet me in the forest about a mile from here, in the place where you and Rommie and I watched the pirate ship get blown up.
BEKA I'll be there.
TYR Good. And here comes Andromeda…
Enter Rommie
BEKA Hey Rommie, where were you?
ROMMIE Why the hell are you so pretty?! Telemachus hates me! Why does he love you instead of me? Can you give me some fashion tips or something, please?!
BEKA I tell him to piss off, but he keeps coming back!
ROMMIE I'm so nice to him, but he ignores me!
BEKA I scream at him, but he still tries to feel me up!
ROMMIE I could work with that.
BEKA I hate him, but he still follows me like some puppy in need of affection!
ROMMIE I love him, but he hates me!
BEKA It's not my fault he's an idiot!
ROMMIE Yeah, but you're so pretty! I'd like that…
BEKA He's all yours. Me and Tyr are getting the hell out of here tomorrow night. I mean, I liked this whole Commonwealth, but now Nietzschean territory looks way better, because there's no Telemachus!
TYR You see, Andromeda, Rebecca and I are leaving tomorrow night while everyone else is sleeping.
BEKA Then, in the meadow where we, um, didn't do Flash, me and Tyr are gonna go and leave. So uh, yeah. Bye. Good luck with Telemachus and all, and wish us luck! Gotta go, Tyr, see you tomorrow!
TYR Yes, goodbye.
Exit Beka
TYR Goodbye, Andromeda. May Telemachus love you as you do foolishly love him.
Exit Tyr
ROMMIE Everyone says I'm just as pretty as Beka, but Telemachus refuses to see that! I loved him! I thought he loved me, too, but then Beka just happened to walk by, and all of a sudden he's all over her! I need a plan. Ok, ok. Got it. I'll tell Telemachus that his darling Beka's running off tomorrow night, and then, though it'll probably ruin my friendship with Beka, I'll have Telemachus's gratitude, and if I'm really lucky, his love! Yes, that's what I'll do! Must…not…laugh…evilly…
Exit