SIEGFRIED'S BAD DAY
A 'Get Smart' story
By Deana Lisi
Disclaimer: I don't own any Get Smart characters.

ROTFL yeah I know, this is different coming from me, but my mother and I have been watching the entire series of Get Smart, and I think Siegfried is the best character in the whole show. LOL!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Konrad Siegfried walked into his office late that morning, after sleeping through the machine gun sounds that his KAOS-issued alarm clock made when it was time to get up. "ACHOO!"

Starker, his sidekick, looked up. "Gesundheit!"

Siegfried went over to his desk and plopped down in the chair. "Danke," he said, with a sniff.

"Vhere haf you been?" Starker asked. "I vas getting vorried; I can't remember you ever being late before."

"I haf a cold, und overslept!" Siegfried whined. He sniffed again and reached for a file containing new information on some of CONTROL's agents.

"You should haf your wife cook you some soup," said Starker.

Siegfried sighed. "She ees visiting her mother und von't be back until next veek!" He blinked. "Besides, are you kidding? Her food ees so terrible, she could accidentally poison me!"

Starker shrugged and went about his business, tidying up the office.

"ACHOO! Shtarker!" said Siegfried. "Vhat are you doink?"

The other German looked at Siegfried with a frown. "Vhat do you mean? You told me on Friday zat you vanted me to clean your office dis veek."

"But I am sneezink!" Siegfried exclaimed. "You should not stir up dust vhen a person is sneezink! Zat only makes zem sneeze even more!" He suddenly wrinkled his nose. "ACHOO!" *sniff* "See?!"

"Sorry," Starker said, putting down the feather duster.

Siegfried continued to flip through the file, wincing every time Starker made noise as he cleaned. He had a headache, and the clatter was making it worse. With a sigh, he put his elbows on the desk and dropped his face into his hands. "Shtarker," he said, with forced patience, knowing that if he yelled, he'd increase his own pain.

"Yes?"

"Clean later! You are making my headache vorse!"

Starker plopped down the huge English dictionary that he was holding, making Siegfried jump. "Vhat should I do instead?"

Siegfried waved his hand towards the door. "I don't know! Anysing! Just give me some quiet!"

Starker nodded. "Maybe you should take a nap."

Siegfried looked at him. "Shtarker, zis is KAOS! Ve do not nap here!" He sighed again before once more waving his hand towards the door. "Go."

Starker loudly clicked his heels, making Siegfried jump again. "Jawohl!" he said, before turning and walking out the door…letting go of the handle and unintentionally letting it slam shut.

Siegfried jumped for the third time, before groaning and laying his head on the desk.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

An hour later, Starker quietly opened the door to Siegfried's office and poked his head inside. Seeing Siegfried's head laying on the desk, he tiptoed in, carrying a cup of coffee. He placed it on the desk before turning to tiptoe back out the door…but accidentally tripped over the chair that sat in front of the desk.

Siegfried's head popped up as the noise abruptly woke him, and he stared wide-eyed into thin air, heart pounding from being startled. "Vhat vas zat!" he exclaimed.

Starker jumped up off the floor, startling Siegfried yet again from his sudden appearance. "I brought you some coffee!"

Siegfried blinked a few times, before seeing the mug. He looked at it blearily, as if wondering where it had come from. Saying nothing, he picked it up and drank some, before placing it back down and rubbing his throbbing head. He coughed, annoyed to find that his throat ached now, too. His body felt completely drained, and he began to wonder if he had the flu instead of a mere cold. "Not good," he mumbled. "Zis ees not good."

Starker was concerned. He'd known Siegfried for years, and had hardly ever seen him sick. "Maybe you should go to a doctor und get medicine."

Siegfried looked up. "A doctor? No no, I don't need zat. I vill be fine, dere is vork to do! People to kidnap, dings to shteal…"

Starker shrugged. "Okay." With that, he left Siegfried to his 'quiet'."

THREE HOURS LATER

"Shtarker! Shtarrrrrrrrrker!"

The shout was heard down the hall, and Starker quicker dashed over to Seigfried's door and opened it. To his surprise, he found the floor littered with crumbled-up tissues.

*Honnnnnnnk!*

The sudden bizarre sound had Starker draw his gun and point it around the office.

"I cannot take zis anymore!" Siegfried exclaimed, his voice coming out of thin air.

A tissue suddenly flew over the back of the nearby couch and landed on the floor in front of Starker, and, realizing that the odd sound had been Siegfried blowing his nose, he quickly put his gun away, glad that his superior hadn't seen it. He zigzagged his way past the discarded tissues, and walked around to the front of the couch.

"I give up!" Siegfried told him from where he lay, his voice sounding hoarse. "You vin! Vhere is dis doctor I should go to?"

Starker blinked. "Uh…I believe dere is a clinic a few miles from here. Somevone dere should haf some good medicine zat vould help you."

"Zey better," Siegfried growled, though it came out more like a whine. He sat up with a groan and scrubbed his hands across his face, before lowering them and just sitting there for a minute with his eyes half-closed, as if trying to summon the energy to stand.

Starker frowned again; he'd never seen Siegfried look so sick. "Do you need help?" he asked, concerned.

Siegfried's pride quickly came to the surface. "Of course not!" he said, quickly standing…and falling right back down again when his head spun.

"Vhy don't you stay here vhile I go get zee car und drive it to zee back entrance? It ees much closer to your office," Starker suggested.

Siegfried's mumbled reply couldn't really be deciphered, so Starker quickly left and drove the car around back, before going back up to fetch him.

Ten minutes later, they'd pulled up at the clinic and were inside, where Siegfried puzzled over the form that the receptionist gave him to fill out.

"Vhat is zee point of all dis?" he asked her, pointing at it. "I haf a terrible cold und need somezing for it!"

"You need to fill that out before a doctor can see you," the lady said.

"Vhy?"

"Because we need to know some information about you first."

Siegfried opened his mouth to reply, but sneezed instead. It made him feel dizzy again, and he almost fell over. "I dink zat is all zee information you need, cookie!" With that, he unsteadily went and sat down to await his turn.

Starker shook his head and took the form from the woman, going over and sitting next to him. He filled out what he knew, before saying, "They vant to know your occupation."

Siegfried frowned. "You know vhat I do!"

"Ve can't write 'Head spy of KAOS' on dis!"

"Oh," said Siegfried, his brain feeling fuzzy. "Say dat I vork for…for…a greeting card company."

Starker obeyed, and between the two of them, they finally got the form filled out and gave it back. It wasn't too long before Siegfried's name was called, and he went in.

Starker stayed in the waiting room, and ten minutes later, Siegfried came back out with a bottle of pills.

"He vants me to take dese," he said, gesturing with the bottle.

"Good," Starker said. "Hopefully, dey vill make you feel better."

Siegfried nodded, and they walked towards the door. After leaving the building, Siegfried got dizzy again and almost tripped.

Starker quickly grabbed his arm to keep him upright, and focused on nothing but getting Siegfried to the car…which made him completely miss the fact that they were being watched.

Across the street sat a red convertible, with two very familiar people inside.

"Max, look!" said Ninety-Nine. "It's Siegfried and Starker!"

"Where?"

"Right there, coming out of that medical clinic! Look at Siegfried, he looks terrible!"

"You're right," said Max, just before they saw the German spy stumble and get grabbed by his sidekick. "Look at that! He can barely walk!"

"I wonder what happened!"

"There's only one explanation," Max told her. "He must've been committing some terrible crime, been confronted by one of CONTROL's agents, and been wounded!"

"You may be right, Max! Let's follow them!" she answered. "With Siegfried injured, this is the perfect time to apprehend him!"

Max gave her a shocked look. "That's not right, Ninety-Nine, kicking a man when he's down!"

Ninety-Nine rolled her eyes. "He'd kick you if you were down, Max."

"Well, that's what makes CONTROL agents different from KAOS agents," said Max, proudly. "We're nice to our enemies." Nevertheless, he started up the car and followed as Starker pulled onto the road.

A few minutes later, Starker noticed Max's car in his rearview mirror. "Ve are being followed!"

Siegfried had dozed off, and jumped awake at his voice. "Vhat? Vhat?"

"Ve are being followed!"

Siegfried turned around and spotted a flash of red. "Don't tell me it ees Maxwell Shmart!"

"It's Maxwell Shmart!"

"I asked you not to tell me zat!" Siegfried said again, trying to see the car again. He spotted it three vehicles down. "Vhere did he come from und vhat does he vant!"

"I don't know."

"Outrun him! ACHOO!"

"Gesundheit!"

Siegfried had to grab onto the door when Starker sped up and suddenly took a sharp right turn into an empty parking lot, intending to drive behind the building and go back the way they'd come. Siegfried turned in his seat to see if Max spotted them, and was unprepared when Starker took another sharp right. Siegfried was propelled into the driver's seat, accidentally knocking Starker's hands off the steering wheel.

Max and Ninety-Nine watched in shock as the car belonging to their foes abruptly careened into a guardrail. They quickly drove up behind them and jumped out of their own car.

"OW!" Siegfried yelled, practically squished between the dashboard and front seats. "My head! Now I am sick und injured too!" The door suddenly opened, and hands pulled him out.

"Are you all right, Siegfried?" Max asked, sounding concerned even as he held a gun on his enemy.

Siegfried looked at him and Ninety-Nine, from where he sat on the ground. He placed a hand on his head. "Ooh, I am doomed!" he exclaimed. "I see two 86's und two 99's! As if one of each was not enough!"

Max rolled his eyes. "All right, Siegfried, give it up!" Max said.

"Give vhat up!" said Siegfried, blinking at them. To his relief, his four foes merged back into two.

Starker stumbled over and reached down to pull Siegfried to his feet before changing his mind, deciding that Siegfried was probably better-off sitting.

"What were you doing that got you injured!" Max asked.

"Vhat vere ve doink? Ve vere innocently drivink along vhen you chased us und made us crash!" Siegfried replied.

"No no, I mean before that!"

"Before?" Siegfried repeated, confused.

Ninety-Nine shook her head, also pointing her gun. "Don't play dumb, Siegfried, we saw you come out of that clinic."

"That's right," said Max. "We know that you were committing some terrible crime that got you injured, so spill it!"

"Some terrible crime—?" Siegfried replied, hand still on his head. "Dummkopfs! I didn't do anysing! I vent dere because I haf a cold und needed medicine! Can't a badguy haf a sick day once in a vhile too?!"

Max and Ninety-Nine looked at each other. "How do we know you're telling the truth?" Max asked, suspiciously.

Siegfried shook his head, before realizing that it was a bad idea. "Look at me! Do I look healthy to…to…ACHOO!…to you?! Ohhhhh." He closed his eyes and groaned when the sneeze painfully jarred his already-aching-and-now-injured-head.

Ninety-Nine looked at Max and shrugged, before putting her gun away.

"Sorry, Siegfried," said Max, reaching down to pull him to his feet with Starker's help. He looked over at the crashed car with a wince. "Do you fellas need a ride?"

"Yes please," said Siegfried, wavering dizzily. "Anysing as long as he is not drivink!" he said, gesturing towards Starker.

The four of them piled into Max's convertible, and he drove their two enemies back to KAOS headquarters' top-secret location.

"Dank you, Shmart," said Siegfried, getting out of the car. "ACHOO!"

"Anytime, Siegfried," Max replied. "Hope you feel better!"

The two Germans watched as the little red car drove away.

"It's such a funny ding, Shtarker," Siegfried said, as they walked back into the building.

"Vhat?"

"A man doesn't need friends vhen he has such nice enemies. ACHOOOO!"

THE END