Time is eating me away
1. A cold hand on my cheek
I'm sitting here, in front of a desk. I stare the white wall in front of me. I try to breath. I take the medicine that my taichou gave me but it doesn't help. So I wait. My lungs try to breath. They can't. It something's stuck in my throat, but it refuses to be erased. Mayuri-taicho's busy. Too busy to fix me. If I die, he can just fix me, when he has the time. I hear the sounds of choking. I hit my chest. Again, again, again. I feel my lungs inflate, I breathe. My breathing's rapid, I feel and hear it rasp. I taste the blood in my mouth, swallowing it when my breathing stabilizes. I wipe my forehead before I band over my desk and start filling the forms.
I'm going towards the first division to drop out the papers. I bow and silently greet Ukitake-taicho, who smiles towards me happily. I let a shy smile bend my lips. I excuse myself to continue towards the first division, feeling his gaze at my back. I feel warm. Then the feeling of rush creeps through my veins, driving away the warmth. I use shunpo to get faster. The plug rises to my throat and I feel the blood's metallic taste on my tongue again.
They look at me strangely and slightly worried when I come inside. I know they're worried if something has happened, like a hollow or arrancar or something, but I keep my head down. Someone asks me, if I'm okay. I tell him I'm fine and ask him to deliver the papers for me because I'm busy. I give him the papers, bow and dash away.
My gums hurt, they pulse and ache. A cough forces itself through me. I have to stop running. I cough, feel like choking again. I can breath is the only thing on my mind. I cough up blood, it soils the street. I feel the sweat pouring to skin and I shiver in cold, although it's a warm day. I feel someone's reiatsu fleeting through my skin and I quickly rise from my pathetic looking bend over position. When I look at the way the came from and I see no one. I collect myself and hurry to the Shinigami Research and Development Institute, where I know my taicho is.
Mayuri-sama shouts at me for being late and I apologize. I feel at home when I'm working with my taicho. He trusts me, uses me and I feel needed. I know he doesn't really need me and I could be easily replaced, but sometimes… Sometimes I really feel I'm special to him, that I matter something to him. It's just a happy illusion, but sometimes I let myself succumb to it and I feel proud. Until my sanity tells me I'm wrong. Until I succumb to the reality.
We sit down to eat. I can't eat. The food gets stuck to my throat. I force myself to eat some. Then I wait until Mayuri-sama has eaten. Then I get the tea and pour some for the both of us. I enjoy my tea, even though it hurts to swallow it. I don't have to force it through my throat.
Mayuri-sama reads the Seireitei Communication. I stare at him, at his blue hair, his golden eyes. I examine his make-up. It's flawless. I think I'm only one who has seen him without it. He gives me the paper and I thank him. I start reading the paper and he sits there sipping his tea.
I wake up at the night. The sweat is pouring to my skin, clueing my nightgown to my skin. My breathing's rapid and my head echoes. Hear my heart beating fast. It's seems to want to exit from my chest. I feel very uncomfortable, but suddenly I start to hurt. The pain is unimaginable. I won't let myself utter a single sound. Taicho sleeps in the room next to mine and I don't want to wake him up.
I feel a cold hand touch my cheek. The touch is comforting. The hand strokes my cheek and a pill is placed between my lips. I obediently take the pill inside my mouth and a cold glass of water is placed to my lips. I swallow painstakingly. I clutch the hand next to me. He caresses my hand soothingly and I feel myself calming. The pain eases and my breathing and heartbeat stabilize.
'I won't tell my taicho. I won't let him tell my taicho.' I think. I won't let it happen, because I'm afraid. Afraid that he doesn't care. I open my mouth to tell him, but he puts a finger to my lips, preventing me from speaking. Like reading my mind he says: "I won't tell anyone." He caresses my hair and his voice is comforting and warm, but I don't recognize it. But I don't think I would recognize anyone's voice, since I'm in the edge of falling asleep in his soothing lap. The last thing I realize before falling to sleep is the warm feeling surrounding me.
AN: Tell me what you think about it. Should I leave it here or continue. Is it good or bad, or something between? English isn't my native, so I apologize for the possible grammatical errors.
While writing I listened: Courage by Superchick