If I Can
Author's Notes :
- Disclaimer : I don't own Stargate Atlantis or any of its character or plots. I mean no infringement, this is for personal benefit only.
- This is SLASH. But very, very mild.
- Takes place in the fifth season, and you can just ignore John being divorced and any other 'encounters' of the female kind he may or may not have had on the show.
- Inspired by This Ain't Goodbye by Train. Summary lyrics belong to Train.
"Hey."
"Hello."
Two warm bodies met in a dark room and the taller of the two wrapped his arms around the other. The shorter person wormed arms around his partner's warm body, under the other man's arms, and they held each other close.
"We have to stop meeting like this." The shorter one mumbled.
Sigh. "I know."
"The risk is too great."
"I know."
"It's so hard to stop."
"I know." Arms tightened. "How was your day?"
"Long."
Another sigh. "I know what you mean. I want to stay here forever."
"You know we can't, John."
Sigh. "I know."
"But I wish we could, too."
Silence. Then, "I should go."
"Me, too."
"Same time in two days?"
"If I can."
Nod. "If I can."
They broke apart and John reached out an arm to halt the other man. "Radek," He said softly, in a tortured voice.
"I know, John, I know."
"How was your mission?"
"Pretty good. No natives and the planet was safe enough."
They stood in the dark on a balcony far away from the center of Atlantis. Their bodies were side by side and John's left hand was gripping Radek's right one tightly. "That's good."
"Yeah," John sighed and looked up. "I don't think I'll ever get used to having so many moons."
"It is quite extraordinary," Radek commented.
John paused. "Teyla's trying to set me up with an Athosian. She thinks I need to get out more."
"You do," Radek agreed softly.
"I told her 'no'."
"John," Radek began. "You know we cannot…"
"I know." He ran his free hand through his hair. "I wish things were different."
"Go meet with this girl." Radek looked away as he said this.
"Radek." John's voice broke.
"This is how it is, John."
John swallowed. "Yeah," he whispered.
"So you will meet her?"
"Yes."
"Good." Pause. "We must get back, someone will notice soon."
John nodded. "Same time?"
"If I can."
"Yeah," John echoed. "If I can."
"Did you meet her?"
John sighed as he leaned back against the wall in a deserted room on the far side of the city. He and Radek rarely met in the same place twice. Patterns were how you got caught. "Yeah."
"What is she like?" Radek sat next to him, their sides pressed together, their hands holding each other's tightly.
"She's pretty. Not as young as I thought she would be, she's closer to my age, I guess."
"What does she do?"
"Keeps records for the Athosians."
"And you like her?"
"I guess."
"Will you see her again?"
"I don't know."
Radek used his thumb to rub the top of John's hand. "She is nice?"
"Yeah."
"Then see her again."
"Radek," John said brokenly, but didn't say anything more.
"She could be good for you, John."
"You're good for me."
"A relationship in the dark?"
"I'd rather have the dark with you than the light with someone else."
"No, John. You were made for the light."
"I was made to be with you."
"We both know this cannot be." Radek said quietly.
"Yeah."
"Same time?"
"If I can."
"Teyla's hinting at some kind of Athosian marriage thing." John sighed.
"You have been seeing this woman for seven months, John." Radek said gently.
"I've been seeing you for longer."
Radek traced a hand up John's arm. "This," He said, "Was not meant to be."
"It could be."
"You know it was not."
"I don't want to spend my life without you."
"I will still be here."
"But it won't be like this."
Radek paused. "No. It won't."
"She's not you, Radek."
"I know." Radek waited a beat before asking, "Do you love her?"
John was quiet for a long time and Radek thought he might never answer but then, softly, "I think so."
"Then ask her."
"It feels wrong."
"This is how these things go, John."
"It shouldn't be."
"Same time?" Radek asked quietly.
"If I can."
"She said 'yes'."
"Then congratulations are in order," Radek said quietly. John had one of Radek's hands in his and was tracing the lines on his palm.
"Not from you," John countered.
"Still," Radek insisted. "Congratulations, John."
John took a shaky breath. "Is this goodbye, Radek?"
"When are you to be married?"
Silence then, "A month."
"We still have a month."
"A fucking month," John said helplessly. "That's it," He said in quiet disbelief. "I can't do this."
"Yes, you can."
"She's not you, she's never going to be you."
"No," Radek agreed. "She won't."
"Same time?"
"If I can."
"Rodney's freaking out over what to wear."
"Should you not be getting dressed?"
"I have time," John dismissed quietly.
"I will not be there," Radek said finally.
"I know," John paused. "I told her about you."
"You did?" Radek asked in surprise.
"Yeah. She said she knew, but that she loved me anyways. She said she was lucky to have someone with a heart so big that he could love two people so much at once."
"John," Radek swallowed. "We have never said…"
"No," John agreed. "But you had to have known."
"I did. I do." He was quiet before speaking again, "You must know the same of me."
"Yeah," John said quietly. "Radek?"
"Yes?"
"Can I kiss you?"
"John," He sighed. "You are to be married in an hour's time."
"I talked to her. She's alright with this."
"She is very understanding."
"Yeah."
No more words were spoken as Radek tilted his head up and John tilted his head down. Their lips met in a soft, perfect kiss; their first one.
When they broke apart there were tears in both of their eyes, but both men refused to let them fall. Radek reached up and cupped John's cheek. "Goodbye, John." He said softly.
"Goodbye, Radek."
"I can't make it here again."
"I know."
Radek nodded and turned, leaving the room--and John--behind.
"Do you, John Sheppard of Atlantis, promise to uphold these vows until your death or the death of your beloved?"
John swallowed and couldn't help scanning the crowd for Radek. As promised, the other man wasn't there. John turned back and forced a smile onto his face as he faced his soon to be wife. "I do."