Character/Pairing: Spock/Uhura, McCoy, Kirk
Rating: T
Summary: After narrowly escaping from Sarpeidon's past, Spock must tell Nyota of his encounter with Zarabeth.
Warning: Angst! Swearing.
A/N: Previous story: Sweet Things. References episode All Our Yesterdays. Next story: You Better Run Girl!
Even when the beam faded after re-materialization in the transporter room, the coldness around Spock's heart did not fade. Which emotion it was, shame or fear, he could not tell.
McCoy's eyes were on him, 'Well?' He hissed, 'You gonna fucking tell her, Spock? Or will I?' He stepped off the pad and turned back to Spock, his blue eyes blazing up at him.
Kirk had gone over to Scotty at the console, ordering the ship to warp as Sarpeidon's sun went supernova. His head snapped over to McCoy and Spock and he eyed his two friends closely. Something had happened down there that had shaken them to the core. 'Gentlemen, is there any--'
'It's nothing, Jim! It's ancient history now, isn't that right, Spock?' McCoy stalked out of the transporter room.
Kirk and Scotty exchanged cautious looks. Spock was still standing on the transporter pad and he now stepped off wearily, halting before Kirk.
'Permission to return to my quarters so I can attend a private matter, Captain.'
Kirk stared at his friend, wondering if he should ask him, but fearing the answer. He nodded once, 'Granted, Spock.' He watched his friend leave, a knot of apprehension forming in his gut.
Spock made his way to his quarters with uncertainty. Knowing Nyota as he did, she would be there, sick with worry for him. He must ready himself for what was to come. What he had to do. He had taken great care to love Nyota the way she deserved, and despite that, he still failed her.
As he entered his quarters, Nyota met him at the door and threw her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. Her head pressed against his chest, he wrapped his arms around her, kissed her forehead and brushed his cheek against her hair.
The trip into the past had rendered him so emotionally open, that he shut his eyes, hoping to dampen his disorientation as her own mix of fear, love, anxiety and relief flooded into his soul.
'We almost left! I was so scared you wouldn't make it!' Her hands moved up to clutch the back of his shoulders tightly. He could feel her fingernails bite through his shirt. She let go of him and moved back a step, reaching to cup his face with her hands.
He was warmed and comforted from the love that flowed from her. That her concern steadied him only fed his growing shame and his eyes slid away from hers, fixing onto the table behind her, 'Nyota, I must tell you something of grave importance.'
He reached up and tried to pull her hands down from his face, 'I have been unfaithful to you. There was a Sarpeidan woman, trapped with us in its ice age. She...well, I--we had sexual intercourse.' He could not tear his gaze from the table, his hands still holding hers, not daring to move or to breathe.
He could feel her stunned disbelief seeping into him. Then the shock, and then the disbelief again.
'What? How...how did this happen?' She looked up at him, her dark, glistening eyes wide and searching.
'She found us. Saved us from freezing to death. McCoy was weakening quickly and needed shelter immediately. We both did. While he was recuperating...'
She waited for him to continue, then whispered, 'And what then, Spock?'
'McCoy came to realize that I had...regressed during our trip back in time. I...had eaten meat and enjoyed it. I argued violently with McCoy. I wanted to kill him. Zarabeth-'
He stopped, pressing his lips tightly together. He left Nyota standing at the front door and sat down at the table, clasping his hands together on top. 'I felt love for her and I could feel her return that love to me. So deeply. I felt her loneliness and despair. I could not leave her in the end. I tried to send McCoy back without me, but we had to go through the portal together.'
He bowed his head and waited. She had not moved from her spot at the door.
She asked softly, 'What was she like?'
Spock's heart clenched, but he would not lie to her now. 'She was beautiful. Smart and principled. She was being punished for speaking out against a tyrant, meant to endure a solitary life in an ice wasteland.'
'Show me.'
He felt her move closely behind him, her soft, cool hand settling on the back of his neck. He closed his eyes and didn't bother fighting the shame that tightened his chest again.
He turned and looked up at her. He reached up and stroked her cheek lightly. She leaned into it and kissed his fingertips, took his hand in hers, kissed his palm.
'Spock, I tried to focus. Do my job. All I could think of was the time. How much time had elapsed since losing contact. How much longer we had left until Scotty had to take us away.' She took his other hand, 'We're always facing death. You know how many people have died on this ship. You were facing a lifetime marooned in some--'
He sighed, 'Nyota, this goes beyond some human stress response of flight or fornicate.' He looked away, then back, and raised his fingers to her meldpoints, 'Here.' His thoughts surged into hers and she gasped from the rush of his sensory input.
His love for Zarabeth had been primal, yet still tempered with the deep compassion he held for her predicament. Feeling how open he was, she could feel his vulnerability to Zarabeth's desperate loneliness and need. And she was beautiful. Very beautiful- and kind.
She wept when they made love. Seeing feeling him touch her, gently and with wonder at first, then with passionate abandon, the way that he touched her. It wrenched her heart in two. She lost herself. Couldn't tell where she ended and he began and she- She hadn't mattered at all.
Nyota paused with uncertainty as she sorted through his still roiling emotions. Frantic, she searched, as he silently waited. Waited for her to understand.
He had forgotten her. Completely. If McCoy hadn't insisted on returning and didn't need Spock to get through the portal, Spock would have stayed with Zarabeth forever.
Tears streaming down her face, she twisted free from the meld by force, reached back, and slapped Spock so hard that he rocked into his chair. His head snapped to the side from the force of her blow. Their breathing was harsh in the silent room, as he slowly faced her again. He could not meet her eyes, his hands gripping the edge of the table.
'Do I mean so little to you that you couldn't spare one thought for me? After all we've been to each other, you'd walk away without a backward glance?!'
Spock looked down at his feet. He had no answers. No defense.
'Get out.'
He stared up at her. He did not stand, he couldn't.
'I said get out! Get out! Get out!' She cuffed him on the side of his head and he didn't bother blocking her hand. Just absorbed the blow and looked back down at the floor.
He could feel her struggle. Her anger, so quick and cutting, that she wanted to strike him again and again. But she was sobbing now. Great rolling wails that were tearing him apart. He gently grabbed her hands and stood up. He felt her love, even now, and still, she could not bring herself to hurt him. Not even to return the pain that he had given to her so unjustly.
'Nyota, please....' He wanted to soothe her. Make her forget, wanting to, but he couldn't bring himself to offer her an escape from the pain that he caused.
'Get out. Fuck you! Get out!' She covered her face with her hands and sobbed, her body wracked with pain and doubled over.
He pulled her to his chest and hugged her firmly, stroking her back. He eased his fingers up to her nerve points, his touch light. When she sagged into his arms, he lifted her up and brought her to his bed. He gently laid her down and drew a sheet over her. She would sleep deeply. And then, hopefully, tomorrow they would talk about their future together. If she still wanted him.
Spock wanted to undress her. He wanted nothing more than to lay next to her and feel the wisps of dreams brush against his mind, like they had only twenty-four hours ago. But he knew that would be wrong now for her. He needed to be close to her though, so he sat in the chair next to his bed and closed his eyes, willing the turbulent emotions away from him.
The next morning Nyota woke up in Spock's bed, surprised that she was clothed and with her boots still on. Then she remembered what had happened. She quickly untangled herself from the bedsheet and woozily stood up.
Spock was not there, thank god. She knew that he would be on-duty now. But she couldn't stay there any longer, surrounded by him. She fled to Sickbay.
McCoy was there in his office and he locked the door as soon as she came in, pulling her into his warm, strong embrace as she broke down again and sobbed into his chest.
'God, Nyota, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.' He smoothed back her hair and rocked her gently.
He carefully sat her down on one of his chairs, 'You need to rest, Ny. You're in no shape for duty today, ok?' He left her there for a moment and returned with a hypo. Its hiss escaped her notice, her eyes glassy and unfocused.
He gathered her up in his arms and whispered to her, 'Darlin', I want you to go back to your quarters. And don't let anyone in, ok? No one. I want you to rest today.'
He got a tissue and handed it to her. She wiped her tears away and took several deep breaths.
'That's right, honey. Just one at a time.' He watched her struggle for control.
'I want to know what happened down there, Len. I want you to tell me everything--' She broke off as fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. She wiped her tears away, 'I want you to-'
'Darlin', you're not in any shape to be talking about this now. I want you on twenty-four hour bed rest, starting now. And that's a medical order.' His voice was stern, but he noticed that after a few hiccupping breaths, she began calming down.
'Ok.'
'Ok.' He pulled her in his arms again, 'Ny, I love you. And everything's going to be all right.' He looked down at her, 'We're going to have a long talk tomorrow. I know you want answers, and I'll do you a favor. I'll send my report to you. It's not finished yet, but whatever questions you have tomorrow, we can talk about it. Just promise me that you'll rest first, ok?'
She sighed and let her forehead rest against his shoulder, then nodded and looked back up at him, 'Thank you, Len. Thank you for being here with me--'
He cut her off, 'Go now, Ny,' and gently kissed her temple. He unlocked the door, and smiled encouragingly, nodding as she looked back at him and said goodbye.
After the door shut, the smile dropped from his face. 'Computer, locate Commander Spock.'
Kirk and Spock were in the captain's quarters, discussing the recent orders that had suddenly diverted them to Camus II. Kirk turned to McCoy as he entered, 'Yes, Bones, what is it?'
Before Kirk could stop him, McCoy had pulled back and delivered such a resounding right cross to Spock's jaw, that the Vulcan was set back onto his heels and staggered heavily into Kirk's desk.
McCoy's heart beat faster as the adrenaline surged through him. 'You soulless Vulcan hypocrite!' He threw another punch into Spock's face, ignoring the sharp pain in his fists from hitting Vulcan bone. 'You don't deserve her!'
Kirk quickly hooked his arms around McCoy's waist and dragged him off of Spock, horrified at what McCoy had done, 'Bones! Bones! Stop it! That's an order!' He roughly pushed McCoy away and stood between the two men.
Spock was splayed back against the desk, his arms braced to the sides as if to absorb the shock of McCoy's attack. He was bleeding from his lip and nose, letting it run freely down his face. He stared dully at McCoy.
Heaving for breath, McCoy slouched against the wall and continued his assault verbally, 'You worthless sack of shit. I should kill you for what you've done to her.'
'Bones! Tell me or you're in the brig! Now!'
McCoy laughed weakly, 'He didn't tell you yet? Seemed pretty proud of it before. He got a notch on his belt now. Bagged himself an alien chick. Guess that makes him a little more interestin' now.'
He swore silently to himself. But he didn't have to question Spock, because for once, the truth was written all over his face. 'Spock, what have you done?'
'I hurt Nyota. I...abandoned her.' Spock bowed his head and said quietly, 'You are correct, Doctor. I do not deserve her. I never should have believed that we could have been possible.'
'Damn you, Spock. And damn your Vulcan blood! I wanted this for both of you! You're supposed to be the good one.' He pushed himself off the wall and pointed his finger in Spock's face, 'How could you do this?! How could you cheat on the most beautiful woman who loves you so much that it blinds everyone around her?!'
Shocked at McCoy's revelation, Kirk eased closer to the two men, fearing another physical attack by McCoy on Spock. 'Bones, enough. Let Spock go down to Sickbay.'
Spock was frozen in place, his hands now clasped behind his back. His head down, his chin and lips marked with narrow, dark green ribbons of blood that dripped from his chin.
'Spock.' Kirk put his hand on Spock's shoulder and squeezed. 'Get down to Sickbay.'
As much as Kirk had envied Spock for his relationship with Uhura, he felt pity now for the Vulcan, and deep sorrow that his closest friends were in such tremendous turmoil. Spock's eyes were blank when he nodded and left the captain's quarters.
McCoy sighed deeply and fell into a chair with his forehead in his hands, 'You should've ordered the bastard to report there, Jim. He won't go, he wants to suffer.'
'And you wanted to make him suffer. He's going to feel as bad enough as it is....'
'You weren't picking up the pieces with Nyota, Jim! With Spock, there's nothing to pick up.' McCoy ran his fingers through his hair, 'And still she loves him. Bastard.'
Kirk shook his head, 'How badly do you think it'll affect their working relationship?'
McCoy scoffed, 'Those two? Please, Jim. They'll be fine.'
'And you, Bones? For a guy who says he can't stand Spock, you're taking this hard.'
McCoy is silent for so long that Kirk sits back down at his desk and starts work on putting the landing party together for Camus II. They'll reach the planet in four hours and will launch a rescue mission of the archaeological team stationed there.
'I cheated on Jocelyn a year after Joanna was born.' He finally looked at Kirk, 'And it wasn't the last time either. Our problems- well, I didn't handle them very well. Well, that was my excuse. But he's not a cheater. There's no way he would've done that in his right mind. No way he'd be so selfish.'
'Yeah, but he was stuck there-'
'No--damnit, Jim that's not what I mean! It's the way he did it! Even if he were stuck there, he wouldn't have just gone after that woman like that! You saw how he courted Nyota. But the way he was down there was downright scary. He almost snapped my fuckin' neck.' McCoy rolled his head a little, still feeling Spock's hand clamped around his throat.
Kirk's eyebrows rose,'So what are you saying then?'
'I'm saying that if we were still there, then yeah, things may have inevitably led him to her bed, what with the whole pon farr thing. But that would also mean he'd given up any hope of getting back at all. And we both know how he is. He would've done everything in his power to return to her.' He shook his head sadly, 'I'm just amazed that he agreed to come find the portal at all with me. And that we found it. Crazy damn luck.' He stared down at the floor, his elbows resting on his knees.
After several moments of silence, Kirk said, 'Give them time, Bones. Let things just lie. Besides, we've got this rescue mission that we need to focus on.' He got up and went over to the replicator, ordering two cups of black coffee. Feeling that it was time to confess his sins, he asked, 'Did I ever tell you about Janice Lester?'
A/N: Please be sure to visit my wordpress home page on my profile, I've posted some great pics to go along with this story. When I started writing, I wasn't aware that All Our Yesterdays was at the end of season three until I'd finished writing You Better Run Girl. Then, I thought that I could just ignore it, but the plot bunny bit me hard for this. So sorry! lol I decided I couldn't ignore it anymore and although we know that the relationship recovers, I thought I'd tuck this one into their backstory. The only stories this really affects are the S&U Sex Surveys in which both Spock and Nyota discuss infidelity and regrets. I'm going to leave those as is anyways. Thank you for reading and please comment! :D