The Heart Wants

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Sesshomaru has broken things off for the second time and even though Kagome hopes he'll come back for a third, fourth and fifth time, she can't help but feel as if she's losing him forever. She wants to hold onto him and love him because even though they were never in a committed relationship he meant so much to her, she was truly in love with him. She was in love with him when they first met: She and Sango would call a phone chat line and goof on the people on there but one Sunday night she called by herself and out of the blue there he was.

He wanted her phone number after only an hour of talking to her and she gave it to him, they had the same things in common, liked the same comedians and tv shows, she liked how he was attending his first year of college while she herself was only fifteen (though she didn't tell him). She made herself out to be eighteen years old, just finishing up high school and pretty soon he wanted to meet her. In person. She'd never done that before but she like him so much and his voice made her happy, his laugh made her happy, he made her happy.

And so they met at Starbucks in her town because she couldn't drive, though he didn't know the real reason for this, which led to them bonding, then heading to her house with only Sango residing in for the moment, which led to her mom coming home, which led to him finding out her real age (fifteen to his nineteen), which led to him saying he'd try to over look her age, which led to a good bye kiss outside her house that she'll never forget because he didn't use his tongue, just his body and lips, which led to her calling him at nine that night, which led to her first hot car sex for which she was ashamed.

For two days they texted and called each other and she thought, oh Sesshomaru you are the one, which lead to her thinking nothing could tear them apart but he calls three days after hot car sex to say he feels terrible for taking advantage of her and that he would like to be friends and that she was his perfect girl if only she was eighteen, which makes her so angry because she feels she's mature and that he is over reacting but there is no talking him out of this crazy decision.

So for the next few weeks they text and she holds out hope that they'll be together all the while feeling hurt that he wont even see her in person. Then one April night she calls his phone after he said he would call but he never did and his phone immediately went to voice mail and so the next few days were spent calling him and hoping he would answer, which he never did, so she's leave a message asking if he was ok and she'd briefly describe her day hoping he'd call back. He never did and after a week or two she began to get angry she and Sango prank called his number whenever they were bored. Once she called him and told him she was pregnant and he went into a panic, she felt so bad she immediately took it back but all of her friends said she should have kept the lie going and she always wonders what would have happened if she had been pregnant or if she had prolonged the lie.

Her birthday is in August and he doesn't call or text even though he has her house number along with her old cell phone but after a while she stops thinking about him. Then towards the end of September she can't get him out of her head, she writes about him in her diary and twice tried to remember his phone number to call or text him but even though she knows she has the right numbers the order is mixed up. One day she looks back at her diary and she sees his number and types it into her EnV2 and went to the movies. During the movie she texts him and at first doesn't tell him who she is but after giving him clues as to who she is they begin to talk and he tells her he isn't mad at her for prank calling him, it's the past, he said. Again she has hope, she thinks maybe now is our time, now we can be together.

The beginning month of October is warm and as she watches the wedding of her two bosses from her bakery. She longs for him and they arrange to meet after the wedding. Sango's dad drops her home and after dropping her goodies home she goes outside and there he is. She slips into the passenger seat and buckles up, she's nervous. They head to Starbuck's, which she sees whenever she walks home from work where she usually thinks about him when she passes, and go to the drive thru. She's wearing her peach colored dress and gold two inch heels and her head band and even though the dress reaches her knees she's hoping she looks skinny to him, skinny and pretty and beautiful.

They drive around, deep into the suburbs, where he parks and they talk and he kisses her and she kisses back. They move to the back seat and she's so happy she could cry, and at that moment her allergies make her nose burn and her eye waters and he asks if she's crying she makes a joke out of it because she feels if she tells him she has this weird allergy he wont believe her. Again they have hot car sex and she gets really into it, the way he hardly makes a sound unless it's to tell her she's giving really good head, he says it in a way that makes her feel really good, like he only ever wants her to give him head, the way he kisses her sides and whirls his tongue on her skin, the way he goes deep, which hurts her but she's willing to endure it because he rests his head in the curve of her shoulder and neck, and she would die to hear him say come closer, as if she's all he'll ever need.

While he's driving to her house to drop her home they talk of his abandonment of her, he says it won't happen again, they talk of him maybe letting her drive his car even though she doesn't have a permit and when he drops her home she's suddenly nervous again, he asks for a goodbye kiss and she at first says no playfully but ends up pecking him on the lips with him promising to text and she goes inside her house.

They text for two weeks, trying to hangout but they'd never be on the right schedule but he would tell her he couldn't wait to see her and they'd talk and once when a guy friend told her he no longer wanted to be friends she called him when he was at dinner with his brother and he talked to her in this caring voice which made her cry even more and miss him and wish he was holding her they hung up after she felt better and he promised to call when he was done with dinner, which he did.

The next time they met was Wednesday in October, they sat on her couch, they made out, they went to her room and continued to make out, soon they stood to remove their clothes and as she looked at his chest she was captivated, he had a tan that was fading so his chest had little spots all over them and she bent to kiss them, as if blessing him. She felt slightly uncomfortable because she hadn't waxed or anything and she felt maybe he didn't like that but he didn't say anything so she put it out of her mind. They kissed and touched each others upper halves and she his lower, and soon he was within her. It hurt, very badly and he told her the pain will go away, I promise. She finds the pain weird because it wasn't her first second or third time but when he said those word she knew what was next and she was right, come closer.

But maybe that was the problem, she wanted to be too close to him, she didn't want to lose him, she wanted him to be with her. After they were finished they went back to the living room where they sat together and cuddled. They talked and laughed and he watched ESPN on tv while she was content just holding him and just happy to know him, to know a man/boy like him existed and she fooled herself into thinking he was all her's.

After that she was on cloud nine, she was back at that place where she doesn't think anything can tear them apart and after a few days he becomes distant and then he breaks it off. He tells her he's been talking to someone and he's trying to do the right, what ever the right was Kagome had no idea. First came acceptance, a knowledge that he wasn't her's and that they were over. Next was anger, he promised he wouldn't do this, he said it would be different. She wants to cry and call him but he had also told her he was seeing someone else and he was trying to be all about her, whoever her is. She didn't ask because hearing that he was leaving her and for another woman was enough, she didn't need the girl's life story.

Next was denial and it was so easy to slip into, it's ok, if I give him space he'll come back to me, we got a second chance, we'll have a third. Then came the sadness and the loneliness and this crazy hope. She hoped for a way for him to come back into her life, she hoped to be carrying his child. A cute little pale bundle of flesh that would have his lips, his hair, his eyes, something she could pour all of her love for him into. But she knows she could never be a teenage mother and she couldn't make him a father, couldn't even guarantee he'd want to be there or that he'd be ok with whatever she choose to do.

But lately sometimes when she wakes up she just feels like she's pregnant, she feels sick, not enough to throw up but a small upsetting of her stomach, a slight dizziness, weakness in the knees. She wishes she were the type of girl guys stayed with and loved and cared for, she wished Sesshomaru would let her love him because no matter what he seems like he's happy having nobody love him and she feels terrible because all she wants to do is love him, show him affection and what she gets is tears on her pillow.

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An: very personal, just had to get that out there.