Summary: It all started with a cup of coffee… an exceptionally random thing I wrote for no reason other than I was dared.
Rating: It's House, who knows.
Disclaimer: Ok, let's see, I own a cat, a dog, this computer, DVDs, my subconscious and my craziness. Nope, I've checked, don't own House. And I've made up the euphoric pill thing. It's a fig from the tree of my imagination.
A/N: Just a randomly weird thing I thought up with some help. I'd quite like some reviews, by the way. If you don't like it, say why. And I won't accept "But you didn't make it (insert ship)!!" as a reason for hating it. I don't care if you flame, just review!! If you don't get some of the words, I'm English. So some of my terminology is weird. I have tried to Americanise it as a lot of you seem to be from the US. Oh, very OOC. You've been warned. And count how many times the word COFFEE is written. It's a challenge! A/Ns etc don't count. You get it right, and, I'll, well, do something nice. Ah! I'll review one of your stories!! There!! And I claim artistic licence for all really stupid mistakes I make.
Dedication: To my dear, crazy friend Rosa, who calls me Allison. She told me to write a House fic, and the first thing she could think of is coffee. So this whole fic has been based on coffee. No wonder it's weird. Rosa, you're to blame for inflicting this on the poor people who are reading it. Anywhichway, on with the story!!
Coffee
Wilson groaned as he slowly returned to consciousness. A night on House's sofa was not to be recommended. The 12 empty beers on the table didn't help either. Wilson could vaguely remember. He thought 5 of them were his, but he couldn't be sure. He dragged himself off the leather. House was still sleeping. He knew because the coffee machine wasn't on. House had to have coffee when he woke up, especially when he had a hangover.
Wilson sleepily switched the coffee machine on. A mug out the cupboard, and he had to hope that House wouldn't wake up. He couldn't believe he had stayed at House's again. The coffee was ready. He drank the dark liquid. Ahhhh, coffee. It tasted funny. He didn't care, surprisingly. James didn't really remember the previous night. He had perhaps gone to House for a drink, and ended up falling asleep on the couch when House switched the L Word on. Or maybe House had convinced him to come over and worship the devil. You never knew.
He grabbed his jacket, and attempted to smooth his crumpled suit down. He'd change when he got to work. He had a spare set of clothes for times like this.
--
Not much traffic, and he was at work a little early. Still exhausted. Another cup of coffee would do nicely. He got in the lift with a couple, and a man and an elderly lady. He wondered if he would see any of them later. The lift stopped on House's floor, and James got out. He went to the Diagnostic conference room, where the stash of coffee was kept. Good, no one there, except – Cuddy? What in God's name was she doing there? Making a cup of coffee! Wilson slunk in, wary of the obviously deranged woman.
Then, he noticed she was using House's mug. The General Hospital one. No one used that unless they were suicidal. And last time he checked, Cuddy had normal survival instincts.
Cuddy realised Wilson was there and turned round. She smiled at him.
"Hi Wilson."
"Umm, morning." He wasn't sure how to respond. "Cuddy, you do know that is House's mug?"
"Yes. This coffee's for him." Wilson was again rather deficient in the reply department, so he settled for simply getting a mug out and pouring himself some coffee. Cuddy was making House coffee? Was Wilson actually awake?
He saw Cuddy slip 3 small, round, whitish pills into the coffee. It was the wrong shape for sweetener, and she knew that Greg didn't take sugar anyway. She was poisoning House? What was up with this nightmare? It was so realistic. Wilson could smell the coffee, and feel the heat through the mug.
"Cuddy." What do you say? he thought. What? "Are you poisoning House? Because I really don't want to have to tell Cameron he's dead." Great one, James. Just great.
"No! I'm not poisoning him!"
"That's what it looks like." He gave her a patented meaningful look.
"Well, you see. Okay, don't tell anyone," Cuddy leaned in close to him, glancing nervously at the empty corridor. "House has been even crankier lately. I'm sure you've realised. He's been even ruder and blunter to his patients than usual, and the hospital can't afford for him to get himself sued again. So, I found a pill that increases euphoria. It, umm, well, it hasn't been proved definitely, and it's a homeopathic remedy, but I thought anything to improve his mood would be a blessing."
Wilson breathed a sigh of relief. House was one of his good friends, and working crazy hours at a hospital and having 3 ex-wives didn't get you a lot of friends. He didn't want House to die, though he wouldn't admit it.
"Ooookay, then. I'll, I, umm, I've, I need to be in the cancer ward. Bye." Wilson stuttered, and scuttled out the room.
House gave Wilson a weird look as he limped down the corridor. House was too tired to dredge up a sarcastic comment from his over-worked brain. Wilson hadn't woken him up, which he was quite annoyed about. He needed coffee.
He limped into the conference room. Cuddy, of all people, was leaning against the counter by the coffee machine. He raised his eyebrows.
"Cuddy, I thought we agreed that you weren't going to stalk me anymore."
"House, you don't have a case so far. Go to the clinic. Here's a coffee." Cuddy garbled, and smiled at him. She shoved the mug in his hand, and tottered out on her heels.
House looked suspiciously at the mug in his hand. The coffee didn't explode. It wasn't bright pink. It didn't smell like bitter almonds. It was, in fact, quite unremarkably brown. Other than the fact Cuddy had made it for him, it was completely unoffending. He glared at it, and then at Cuddy's retreating figure. He was so not drinking that.
Cameron walked in smiling. God, she was so happy, House thought. He was so tired and unhappy, his leg hurt, it was way too early in the morning, and she was smiling like she had saved all the starving children in Africa. People like her should be shot.
He then had an idea. He was sure Cuddy had done something to the coffee, so he handed Allison the mug. "Here. For you." He pulled a Vicodin out his pocket and dry-swallowed it. Cameron smelt the coffee, and squinted at it. She looked at him. And smiled.
"Thank you House." Then she looked at it closer, and saw the mug the coffee was in.
"Wait. No. I'm not drinking this. It's in your favourite mug, and Cuddy just walked out looking exceptionally worried, and horribly pleased. No, something's wrong."
House frowned. Damnit!! She wasn't so trusting anymore. She'd learnt that he was to be treated with a hard stick and 100 metres of personal space. Oooh, Cameron, him, and a hard whip, that was an image…
She scowled at him, and leant against the counter like she always did.
Foreman trudged in, looking sleep deprived and exhausted.
"House. Cameron."
He grabbed the coffee out of her hands and drank it in record time.
"Hey! You stole my coffee!" Cameron exclaimed, feeling hurt and betrayed.
"Oh, deal with it Cameron. It's Foreman, he steals things." House snapped. "If any of you need me, which you won't if you value an intact skull, I'll be in my office watching reruns of General Hospital. Goodbye."
Foreman wandered out, but House stayed. Probably because Cameron stood in front of the door as soon as Foreman walked out.
"Why did you give me your coffee?" Cameron asked as House poured himself a cup of coffee.
"I needed a guinea pig. Thank goodness Foreman was too sleepy to notice that it was mine. Or yours. Otherwise we would never have found out."
"House!" Cameron gasped. "What have you tested on him? That's so morally unethical! It's bad enough testing whatever it is on Foreman anyway, but without his knowledge!"
"I didn't put anything in it."
"But, you just said you needed a guinea pig."
"Everybody lies, Cameron. I thought I taught you that one already."
"House, why did you give away your coffee? Normally you guard it with your life. Especially when it's in the General Hospital mug."
House sipped his coffee casually, and leant his hip against the counter.
"It was spiked."
"HOUSE!"
"Jeez, it wasn't me. Cuddy spiked it. Wilson may be in on it too. Keep your ethical hair on."
Cameron stared at him. "Why would Cuddy spike your coffee? She's had millions of excuses to fire you, and that would annoy you more than dying."
"Hey, give the cripple credit! I wouldn't particularly like dying either!" House called as he limped into his office.
Cameron rolled her eyes. "Dr House, I have clinic duty. Unlike you, some of us actually read our job description - "
"I gave it a glance, wasn't impressed." House interrupted Cameron.
"Well, some of us actually go and do our job. And if I were you, I wouldn't play my music too loud – Cuddy will know you're not at the clinic too."
It was House's turn to stare as Cameron walked down the corridor. Well, that was unexpected, he thought.
--
"Okay, so, no more drinking Mommy's special adult Ribena." Cameron told the little girl whose worried mother had her brought in when the child had refused to get up, complained of a headache, and vomited copiously. Mom had left a few glasses of wine on the table, and the 6 year old had been curious. "Yes, Mrs doctor." The girl nodded meekly. She had a splitting headache, and stopped nodding quickly. "Good girl." Cameron beamed and gave the kid a lollypop. The girl slipped off the table and walked out with her mother.
Cameron jumped as her beeper vibrated. "My office now. New case." House, obviously.
She dashed out the clinic. Being a saint-doctor was exceptionally difficult when most of your patients just needed a paracetemol and a good bath. Walk in clinics, you get the weirdest people.
--
Breathless, she arrived at House's office. The lift wasn't working so she'd had to take the stairs. And some poor, crazy old man had tripped her up with his cane. House would get ideas from that. And she needed a coffee. God bless coffee!! she thought.
House blinked at her seriously. "Allison."
Cameron was shocked. Not only was there blatantly not a new case, he called her Allison.
"Umm, Greg?"
"I think… that we should go for coffee sometime. I really enjoyed our first date, and I would like to get to know you more."
Cameron was ecstatic. "House! Oh, that'll be great. I, wow, I can't believe you've decided to do this." she gushed. "Oh, but, do you think that we should get Steve McQueen's blessing first? I mean, he is, well, you know. Oh, where will we go? Dinner or just coffee at Starbucks?" she asked, absolutely thrilled.
"No." House snorted, swivelling round on his chair. "We're not even going for coffee. I just wanted to see if you believed me, and if you were still interested in me. You're obviously still not over me. And, go out for coffee? Are you mad? Not only are you a boring conversationalist, there's reruns of General Hospital every night this week! I'm not going out!"
"Cameron!" came Chase's unmistakable voice from the doorway. It sounded hurt, injured. Rather like some small rodent. "But, but, you slept with me!"
Allison sighed. This wasn't her day. It just really wasn't. She faced Chase and felt a surge of uncharacteristic anger at the hurt and offended look on his face. That night had been a stupid mistake. And he was getting all possessive and acting like it had meant something and been a commitment.
"Look, Chase, the only reason I slept with you was because I was high, and I knew House wouldn't agree to it. I wish I'd never done it."
Robert Chase's eyes filled up with tears. "But, but - "
"No buts, Chase. We never had a relationship, and I'm not yours to get possessive over. So. Just accept it was a mistake." Cameron was actually getting angry. Oh, how House loved the angst!
"I'm going to have relationship problems with women for the next 4 years!" Chase wailed.
"Honestly, Chase, get a grip. If you find women so difficult, just be gay. With that hair you almost have to be anyway." House grinned.
Cameron was getting uncomfortable. She tried to walk out the door, but was stopped by Foreman who bounded in and gave her a huge hug.
"Can you feel the love? Feel the love, man!"
"Foreman! I'm a woman, firstly, and can you let go of me?!" Cameron yelled, struggling to breath in the tight squeeze.
Foreman, still grinning ridiculously, let go of Cameron and advanced on House. Who leapt onto his desk and waved his cane around shouting "You guys run and I'll hold him off with my cane." Well, Foreman was outrageously happy. And happy people were just disgusting. He might even be contagious.
--
Cuddy ran in. Some terrified young nurses had just run to her and said that something weird was going on in Dr. House's office. Maybe he actually had got a hooker this time.
Then she saw the scene in House's office, and realised those nurses had every right to be scared.
Cameron was hiding behind a chair, looking frightened for her very life.
Chase was yelling at Foreman "Just tell us your symptoms! Don't worry, we'll sort you out!"
House was standing on his desk, waving his cane around like a lunatic. Well, he wasn't in his right mind normally, but this was going far even for House.
And Foreman, well, Foreman was grinning like he had won the lottery and married Carmen Electra, and was running around shouting hippy slogans; "Peaces, dudes! No war! Feel the happy vibes, man!" and trying to hug Chase.
Then it hit Cuddy. House was too smart not to realise something was up when she made him coffee. Foreman had drunk it, and she'd obviously got the dosage wrong. So now Foreman was high on natural remedies. Great. As if House wasn't enough to deal with.
Cuddy ran to Cameron and helped her up.
"Cuddy! Foreman, he, drank House's coffee, and, now, he's, crazy!"
"Yes, Dr. Cameron. I know. Just sit down. I'm going to sort it out."
Cameron looked at her disbelievingly. It was a great effort not to laugh and say Yeah right.
Cuddy yelled at House. "Get down off the damn desk!! Finances is a mess because Foreman needed to find his 'meditation rug', and we can't afford a new desk anyway!"
House jumped down, wincing in pain and popping a Vicodin, but looking rather disappointed. "Cuddy, I had a perfect angle up there. I was just about to knock him out."
Cuddy didn't bother replying, because Chase was having the breath squeezed out of him.
Wilson, having really perfect timing, ran in at that moment.
"House!"
"Be quiet, Wilson, I'm watching!" House was sitting down like he was at the cinema. A bucket of popcorn would have completed the picture perfectly.
Cameron shakily walked up to Foreman, who was still grinning and proclaiming that everyone should love each other. Cuddy looked far from loving anyone. She looked more like she wanted to strangle someone.
Cameron bravely spoke to Foreman, risking consciousness in the near future.
"Hey dude!" Allison drawled, surprising everyone, and causing Wilson to nearly choke. "Come and be… peaceful, man!" she said, sitting down in the lotus position, looking uncomfortable, and clearly winging it.
Foreman sat down, and started meditating. Which consisted of sitting cross-legged and making his fingers into the 'ok' sign and resting them on his knees. And humming. Loudly.
His eyes were closed, so House interpreted Cameron's crazy hand motions as "Knock him out! Whack him over the head with your cane!" Well, that was what it seemed she was trying to say. He could always claim communication problems if Foreman took him to court.
Cuddy was shuffling around, looking very worried. Wilson finally pieced it together. Foreman had drunk the coffee! He couldn't help but laugh as he pictured House acting like Foreman was right now. He also couldn't imagine House giving Cameron a massive hug. Not that Cameron would mind.
With Wilson on the floor giggling like a 3 year old, and Chase not being much help anyway, Cuddy was forced to leap onto House to stop him knocking Foreman out.
"House!" she yelled, breathless as she got off him. Surprisingly, Foreman was still meditating. Must be some trip, Cuddy thought. Most of the hospital must have heard House yell.
"Whoa." He smirked. "I mean, I knew you had a thing for me, but I didn't think you were that desperate to jump me."
"House. Look. Oh, hell. I couldn't let you knock Foreman out. I spiked your coffee - "
"I knew it." Cameron and House said simultaneously, both sounding rather smug.
"Whuh?" Chase said, feeling left out of it and very confused. Wilson just carried on laughing. It felt good.
"Anyway, I spiked your coffee. I shouldn't have, but you have been such a bstard ((I hope that doesn't get bleeped. It begins with b and ends with d.)) lately, to us and the patients, so I found a homeopathic remedy in the "healing" shop. It increases good moods and happiness. Foreman obviously drank it, and I put too many pills in. We just need to sedate him and flush it out his system. And no, House, we are NOT whacking him over the head with your cane!"
"Oooow!" House whined, managing to look put out and very excited at being right at the same time. It resulted in a curious facial expression.
She called for some male interns, and they carried Foreman out under House's command, who was having the time of his life making sure that Foreman got bumped into things. House is such a sadist, Cuddy thought.
Wilson was given some calming gas. ((Well, there is laughing gas. Makes sense)) At least he stopped laughing.
Cameron went home, and Chase stayed to answer House's mail and catch up on paperwork.
--
Cameron stopped by Foreman's room on her way out.
"Hey Cameron." He said, grinning slightly.
"Hey. You feeling better?"
"Actually, I feel worse."
"You want me to go get a nurse?" she asked, her face creasing with concern.
"No. I just felt so…happy when I was high on that stuff."
"Okay. Well, see you at work tomorrow."
"Yeah. Just, keep me off coffee I haven't made myself."
Cameron laughed, waved, and walked out.
Which is when she saw House and Wilson sitting on gurneys, and racing each other down the corridor. House was winning, because he was using his cane to push himself along.
Banging into Cameron and flying off the gurney didn't help him win though. But seeing as Wilson's 'car' rolled over House's cane and crashed into the wall, neither of them won. And Cameron just backed away slowly……
A/N: Yah know what? Be Foreman, and give that little blue button some lurve!