The Day Uncle Johnny Superman Cried
By Showfan06
Disclaimer: I don't own the guys from Emergency so please don't sue me. I promise to put them back in one piece when I'm done with them.
AN: This is a story based on the episode Frequency. The quotes in italics are from the show written by Kenneth Dorward. The song lyrics at the end are from the song "Superman' by Five for Fighting.
AN2: Thanks once again to my good friends Dawn, Mary Ann, and Jackie for wanting to watch the episode that inspired this and to Dawn for beta reading for me.
From the journal of John R. Gage, FF/PM Los Angeles County Fire Department Station 51.
Hello thought keeper,
This is not going to be easy to write and yes, your pages will probably get wet as I write this, but I need to. It's just too much to hold in. Roy and I are watching the kids because Joanne is out of town, at her mother's house. I've really been shaken up lately, so I decided to bunk here and he had no problem with that.
You see, in the line of work Roy and I and the guys are in, day in and day out life can change. Unfortunately we usually see people at the absolute worst. Some days we see them at their best, but those days and those calls are a rare few. It's the calls that are tough or worse that make all of us realize just how precious life is. Since I do not have a family of my own, I've kind of adopted Roy and his family and they've kind of adopted me, so I spend as much time as I can with them.
I am rambling and this thing is bubbling inside aching to get out, so let me get to the meat of this mess. I guess I should start at the beginning so I do not confuse anybody.
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It was a warm day in Carson and the guys and I were on duty. The engine had been called out, so Roy and I decided to give the squad a tune up. (Don't tell Charlie he will get mad.) After a little bit, Boot decided we were done and grabbed the screwdriver. Well, I went to reach for it and we realized it was gone. That crazy dog made us chase him around the bay to get the tool back. I guess he thought he was trying to help or something. Anyway, we were still chasing him when we got a call.
"Squad 51, traffic accident with injuries. Westbound Alameda Freeway, west of Fremont off-ramp. Time out, 0925."
I dove for the truck after I kicked all our tools out of the way. Luckily we had put the squad back together. Roy ran over to the radio stand and acknowledged the call. With the information in hand, he dove for the truck and we took off. Both of us were tense. The call could be simple injuries or more traumatic. This one definitely went the traumatic route.
Roy pulled up to the scene and we jumped out. Our buddy, Officer Vince Howard met us. The look on his face spoke volumes. Vince is a tough one to shake and he was really shaken up this time around. We grabbed our gear and ran over to where the victim was down. My stomach suddenly reached my throat. This was no ordinary call. This time I knew the victim. He was old buddy of mine, one of my first friends when I moved to LA, Officer Drew Burke.
"Hey, Drew" Drew looked up. "Hey, Johnny…How do I rate the County Fire Department's best paramedic?" "Just lucky I guess."
As Roy contacted Rampart, Drew got progressively worse. Professionally I knew he was in trouble, but I still held out hope that maybe, just maybe he would make it.
"Johnny, Johnny…Yeah, Drew? Johnny, you call Pam. All right, I will. Johnny, if I don't make it… Come on cut it out, Drew. Tell Pam she's the greatest thing that ever happened to me."
I am going to speed up here, because there is a lot that needs to get down on paper tonight and I do not want to forget any bit of it and there are some details I just cannot stomach to put on paper.
We transported Drew. God that was a tough ride. Kel Brackett and Dixie McCall were waiting for us. Mike Morton was there too. He is a piece of work at times, but that is another story. I was at least thankful Drew would have the best in the business fighting for him. I figured if anybody could save him, Kel would have the best shot. He has saved my hide plenty of times for me to know from personal experience he's the best in the business when it comes to emergency medicine.
Roy and I left the room to wait in the hall for news. I did not want to leave, but I knew I had too. We would have just been in the way if we had stayed in the room. Those were the longest minutes of my life in that hall. It felt like weeks to me, when in reality I knew it was only minutes.
I knew as soon as Kel opened the door with his scrub cap in hand. It was confirmed for me when I saw them slide the sheet up over Drew's face. He was gone after that long, hard fight and there was nothing any of us could do about it.
The sickening news was reconfirmed for me when Kel spoke. "I couldn't stop the bleeding, Johnny. His spleen the pancreas, the lower intestines. Dixie told me he was a friend of yours. I'm sorry."
It felt like somebody had slugged me in the gut with a sledge hammer. Before I could find my voice, Dixie came up and said that Drew's family had arrived. Kel relayed what happened and offered to tell the family, but I knew I had to do it. Pam was not going to take this well at all and I hoped it would soften the blow if I told her.
My voice cracked. "I'll talk to her. Just give me a minute."
I took a minute to make sure I had a voice and then headed for the waiting room. It was a walk I had made thousands of times since becoming a paramedic, but this time it was different. This time, it was to deliver the hardest news in the world to someone and not just a random stranger. Pam, Emily and Drew had always been close to me.
I walked over slowly. Pam looked up at the sound of my footsteps. I think she knew just by the look on my face, but she tried to stay strong. It shattered my heart into smaller pieces when I looked over and saw Emily sitting right there next to her. I squatted down and took Pam's hand in mine.
"Did Drew suffer at the end? He was um…" I shook my head. "He was unconscious. It was on the operating table." She bowed her head as I continued. "Brackett, uh, couldn't stop the hemorrhaging."
She said a few other things and then it finally hit her. When she broke down it was all I could do to fight off my own tears. They burned, like they are now, in my eyes. It wasn't fair. Drew had been just on a routine traffic stop. It wasn't fair he was gone. God, it wasn't fair. My eyes glistened as I listened to her sob, so badly did I want to join her. Just as I was about to finally let my own tears fall, I heard more footsteps. Without looking up I knew they were Roy's. That meant we had to get going.
My voice cracked as I spoke softly. "Pam, if you need anything at all, don't hesitate to call or come by. I'm on duty the rest of the night and then I have a couple days off, so call me. I promise I'll be over as soon as I can."
Pam looked at me, her eyes were red and watery. "I will Johnny, but can I have you do something for me before you get off?"
"Name it."
Pam bear hugged me as she said, "Be careful out there. All of you just…God, be careful."
I hugged her tight and said, "You bet I will. I love you guys. Don't forget that."
"I know, and you know we love you too."
"I know."
I stood and slowly broke the embrace. Luckily, Dixie had walked over. She replaced me in front of Pam. "I'll take care of her, Johnny."
"Thanks, Dixie."
I took one last look at Pam and Emily and turned back to Roy. My own emotions boiling inside, it was honestly hard to swallow and get back into a professional mindset. Roy and I headed outside quietly.
We climbed back in the squad and I cleared us with LA. The truck went quiet for a bit. Finally, about halfway back to the station I said, "You know what I was thinking when I went to meet her to tell her?"
"No, what?"
" I...I wished you had been in my place." I took a quick breath. "It's just a weakness of character."
Roy answered me back after he took a quick breath. "No. It just indicates you're human that's all."
Roy finished and we went quiet again. Finally, he backed the squad into the station. We climbed out and I silently prayed we wouldn't get any other calls.
"Roy, tell Cap I will be in the dorms."
"Sure Johnny. You okay?"
I swallowed hard, willing my emotions to stay in place. "No, but I will be."
Just then Captain Stanley walked into the bay. "You will be what, John?"
"Okay, Cap."
Cap recognized the distress I was trying to hide. "Hey guys, why don't you come on in my office for a bit? Mike's cooking so we have a bit."
Roy and I followed Cap into his office. "What's wrong, guys? Bad run?"
I swallowed hard and blinked. The tears were right at the surface. "Extremely."
"What happened?"
I was about to speak when Roy started. He was shaken up too, but handling it better. "The traffic accident with injuries call we just had. The victim was a police officer who had been hit during a routine stop. Brackett did everything he could, but we lost him."
"God, guys I'm sorry."
I stared off into space, trying not to cry. Cap walked over to me and asked gently,"You knew him, didn't you?"
I wasn't about to lie to Cap. He knew me too well, plus he was like my second dad. "Yeah I did, Cap…he was a friend of mine named Drew Burke."
Cap was stunned. He had seen us come back from rough runs where we had lost the patient before, but this was the first time we had ever lost somebody any of us knew. "Are you okay to stay on duty?"
"Yeah." I swallowed hard. "Yeah, I'm okay. Just need some time. I just…I just…" I dropped my head, unable to fight back the tears any longer. I felt Cap put his arm around me and heard Roy close the door. The rest of the guys did not need to see me like that.
Cap spoke softly. "It's okay John. It's okay."
It took a bit, but finally I was able to settle down. My head was still down though and my voice was low. "Sorry Cap, Pally."
Cap picked my chin up and spoke for both of them. "Hey pal, nothing to be sorry for. You needed it. Hell, in our line of work, we all need to let it out it at times."
"Yeah, Cap. I guess we do."
The rest of the shift and the following days weren't good at all. I was playing superman and staying strong for everybody else, but I was a mess inside. Roy tried to talk to me, but I didn't want to because there was still too much to do. He understood and just stayed by my side to keep my spirits up.
Finally, after Drew's funeral, everything hit me like a ton of bricks. Pam's parents had taken her and Emily down to San Diego for a while.
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It
may sound absurd…but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right
to bleed
I walked up to Roy after everybody else was gone. He had come back to the Burke house with everybody else. "I uh…have to go."
Roy knew what I meant. He laid his hand on my shoulder and said. "Go. Don't forget it's okay to cry. You've been superman to everybody else, now it's time for you to let it go too."
Silently I nodded. As they had been for days, the tears of the good cry I needed were right at the surface. I climbed in my Rover and went back to the cemetery to say a personal final good-bye to my dear friend. Unconsciously, I retraced my steps back to the grave. They weren't hard to find. The footprints were still fresh.
The cemetery seemed so eerie, where the sounds of a twenty-one gun salute, a bagpiper, and a bugler had rung out not long was now nothing. Yet, to me the rows and rows of head stones spoke loudly, without saying a word. Finally, I reached Drew's grave. The dirt was still fresh and there was no head stone in place yet, but that was okay.
Under the bright mid day sun, I hit my knees just as another pair of footsteps was heard. I managed to keep the tears at bay yet again, as I turned my head around. It was Roy, still in his dress blues. He silently walked up to me and knelt beside me.
I reached for my brother and he hugged me back and then and there in the stillness of the graveyard I finally let everything go. The tears just poured out non stop. I couldn't have stopped them even if I wanted to.
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Quick apology here, I fell asleep writing to you last night, thought keeper. I must have cried myself to sleep because I just woke up and Roy was watching over me like a brother over a brother. At the bottom of my story I saw a little note that seems to be the perfect way for me to end this.
Uncle Johnny,
I'm sorry, I read your story. But I came in to check on you when daddy did. It sounds like you finally had the day when Uncle Johnny Superman Cried.
I love you,
Jenny