A/N: I do not own Pride and Prejudice. I do however love the books, movies, and such based off this book by Jane Austen. This story can be seen as an exploration of Jane's thoughts to Bingley's abandonment in canon. Or you can view this as a possibility to what if Bingley hadn't renewed his addresses to Jane and instead courted someone else.(Not Miss Darcy though Jane thinks that.) The ideas and journey in this story are mine. The quote at the beginning, however, does not belong to me but until he asks for it back it's mine.
"The sun is the star of the morning, just as you are the star of mine." Mr. Bingley's words still rang in her ears. Jane knew that she was no longer his star of the morning. She had been a comet in Mr. Bingley's life instead of the sun he'd claimed her to be. He was probably telling Miss Darcy those same things. She wasn't bitter, she wasn't. But she wasn't as perfect as Lizzy seemed to think she was either. Hearing that he was courting Miss Darcy had stung especially with knowing that from what little she'd heard described of her. Miss Darcy looked similar to her but was much more accomplished. It was like he had left her to find a richer and more improved version of her. The thought of that hurt in a way that felt as if her heart might never be fully whole again. He had gotten past her mask and had left a huge mess behind by his lie of him only being gone a few days only to never return.
Mr. Bingley had said many things in their acquaintance. While she had been told since the time she'd turned twelve how beautiful she was, Mr. Bingley had seemed to appreciate her personality along with her looks. He'd said that she was an angel with angelic beauty. It was very kind of him but clearly not what he'd believed. Because he was gone chasing after a new star, a new angel.
What Mr. Bingley had forgotten to remember was that the star of the morning is the only star that can hide and overpower all the others. It was truly unique in that way. She was the sun, the star of the morning whether Mr. Bingley thought that or not. And while Mr. Bingley had surely meant that the sun is ever present, generous, and gentle. He had clearly forgotten that clouds hide the sun and that the sun is not always gentle. It can be harsh and cruel. And angels are not only messengers of good news but can be messengers of bad. They can show the power of miracles and smite those who disobey. An angel is not always a good and perfect being. After all didn't some angels fall?
Jane refused to allow herself to turn her anger of the sun and angels against him. She refused to become a fallen star, a fallen angel. He had made no promises. He had simply allowed her to hope and let it be crushed even if it was unintentionally done. Lizzy was furious with how Mr. Bingley had acted. And while Jane wished she wouldn't be so angry she knew Lizzy too well to expect her to stop. Jane tried to keep herself put together and gentle. Just because the sun could be angry and harsh didn't mean that it should be this way. Just because an angel could punish didn't mean that it should. Mr. Bingley had claimed she was the star of his morning but he had been the star of hers. But that was ripped away now and there was nothing she could do. Even if society had said there was she wasn't going to go chasing after him. He'd made his decision.
He had said with everything but his words that he loved her but then he left her. Jane knew there could be a hundred good reasons why. And a thousand more that weren't great but would still be an explanation. Instead, all she had were his lies of being gone for a few days and never returning. Her only partial explanation is what his sisters said which just further broke her heart. She felt that Caroline's message had almost given to much detail. It was true that Caroline had not had to describe her hopes of Mr. Bingley and Miss Darcy even if it was her hopes. Saying such was unkind of Caroline and thinking that was unkind of Jane as well. Jane din not really care at the moment though.
She didn't doubt her love for him, even now. She did wonder that if by some miracle he did return if she'd ever be able to trust him. Though one part of her heart said that if he said he loved her all would be forgiven. Whatever was supposed to happen, Jane wished that the stabbing pain in her chest would go away. Is this what a broken heart felt like? It was almost too painful for her to manage. Her sunshine and happiness felt all locked away. She felt like an angel fallen from favor.
She felt enough pain, sorrow, and yes anger to level mountains. But if she wrecked her world because of him what would that do? Give him more power over her. Reduce her ability to stop Lizzy, Mary, Kitty, or Lydia whenever they got an idea in their head to do something that went too far. She could try to destroy his world for hurting hers but that showed him the pain he caused. It allowed him more power than was his due. Instead she would collect herself, reduce the power she allowed him over her. She could be an avenging angel, a cruel sun. But she chose not to be and that was more powerful than a thousand avenging angels. It was easy to be an avenging angel, it is difficult to remain gentle in a world that is determined to make you hard.
While she felt like she was stuck behind clouds and rainy days right now, Jane knew her sunshine would shine again. Someone else would see her as the sunshine in their life. She would be someone else's angel. She just hoped no else took her sunshine away. She wasn't sure she'd survive the second time. She would remain gentle Jane, instead of an avenging star, an avenging angel. It might be harder but holding onto her anger would only burn herself not him. "Forgiving those who hurt you," Jane thought "was a hard thing to do." It was hard to let go of her pain. It confused those around her. It would confuse Mr. Bingley too, she was sure. Not the goal but certainly a nice side effect. A new world was opening up for Jane one where sunlight and angels were welcome. The star of the morning would shine again, gentle as ever.