The calling of crows is all that reaches her ears as she sits in the tub of water. Well, tub is a rather loose term. The bottom half of a wine barrel is truthfully what she was bathing in, the water only slightly warm now.
It'd been a long day to say the least, and tomorrow was looking just as stressful, and just as dim. Maybe if she could just catch a few moments of sleep, the morning ahead wouldn't seem so daunting.
The inquisitor heaved out a sigh as she poured some lavender infused elf root oil into the water, hoping that it would relax her. Nothing had worked thus far, so she had gone the extra mile to have this sad excuse of a bathtub hauled up to her room. Her tired eyes burned as she watched the calling crows fly about outside her large windows that overlooked all of Skyhold. Will I ever be able to sleep? Will this ever end?
She pulled her knees to her chest as her dead gaze continued locked out the window.
"Inquisitor, I have a few questions about the mission tomorrow I-" She hadn't even heard him come up the stairs. She didn't really mind though. Of all people, he understood. Or at least she felt he did.
Commander Cullen stopped in his tracks up the stairs when he caught glimpse of her. She was facing the opposite direction of him, but was obviously bathing, and therefore indecent. His mind reeled back.
"Maker's breath, forgive me. I should have asked-I mean, it's not that important-I'll be going.." he managed to fumble out of his mouth, attempting to bolt down the steps.
"Cullen.."
His feet halted, taking in a quick breath. She sounded...sad. No, that's not the right word..empty would seem a more accurate description.
"Inquisitor?" he asked, trying to keep his voice even despite his nerves.
"Would you stay?"
Something's wrong. He hesitated, an uneasy knot twisting in his stomach, but his feet crept him back to the top of the stairs, into her room.
Unsure what she meant by the question, he tread deeper into the room and lightly sat himself on her bed, looking out the same window as she. He could still only see her back, which he was grateful for; she was much closer to the window. They sat in silence as the minutes ticked by, as the crows danced in the distance.
He stared out the window with all his concentration, trying not to look at her, but he would fail every so often, nothing indecent of course. He'd just watch her, noting small things like her hair. It was long, brown, flowing down her back with her pointed ears poking through. He'd never see it this way before..it's always up in a bun..always businesslike. Is this her life away from us? He wondered about this as he lifted his gaze back the the mountains.
Now that he thought about it, she hadn't been herself in quite a while..not since the Templar's joined, not since Therinfal. What did she see there? Monsters and demons certainly..but-
"Does it ever get any easier?" she asked, not above a whisper, cutting his previous thought short.
Cullen stared at her for a moment, watching her continue to clutch her knees into her body.
"Does what ever get any easier?" he asked, unsure of where this was going.
"The nightmares," a small crack, splitting her whispers.
She was either crossing a line or in need of help, but either way, he was jolted. When he didn't answer, she turned her head back to look at him, and he ceased breathing as their eyes connected. They were so tired..so dark underneath, like she had two black eyes from a fight. What hell is her mind putting her through? He tried to think of something to say, something to comfort, but he was drawing a blank, completely taken aback by the severity of the pain he could see in her, her void gaze said it all. She had hidden it so well, for so long.
"I..didn't realize you had them too.." he whispered. He knew they were for different reasons, but nightmares are nightmares.
"I watched you die."
Cullen's eyes widened as she turned her face back to the sunlight.
"Inquisitor?" his voice was less controlled than usual.
"The Lord Seeker..he wasn't a man anymore. He..it, pulled me into..that place..bodies burning.."
He saw her shiver, but didn't say anything. He wouldn't know what to say anyway.
The elf ran a hand through her hair as she closed her eyes and the images flashed vibrant.
"The demon..I watched..your throat cut..there was so much blood. It was everywhere. I couldn't...I couldn't show any feeling or it would win, the demon..it would take me, and we would fail, but I wanted to scream. I wanted..but then you were there..saying things, but not your voice, it was wrong..I should have..please forgive me.." she whispered, unmoving.
His eyebrows drew upward, concern and sympathy plain on his face. She understood the nightmares. She lived it too.
"Inquisitor, you have not failed me," Cullen assured her, standing up, wanting to come closer.
"But I did, and I still am..every night I'm there, and every night, I let you die.." she bowed her head, covering her face.
He hesitated briefly before picking the towel up that had been laying on the floor, and walking over to her. He cleared his throat before squatting down to drape the towel over her shoulders.
She didn't turn around. She couldn't look at him. She waited for him to stand before she followed suit, wrapping the towel tightly around her and stepping out of the tub.
"Come here," he whispered, pulling her into him by the arm. He pressed her against his chest, the feathers and fur of his armor tickling her ears. She didn't resist in the slightest, letting herself be comforted for the first time. Nestling her face into him, she listened to him sigh.
"I cannot let you think that you have failed me. You did exactly what you needed to make it through the maze, but you did it. You are stronger than I was..stronger than I am," the words came out before he could think. "Don't let this demon win after you defeated it."
"Cullen?"
"Yes?" he replied, stroking her hair, finding it surprisingly easy to comfort her.
"Does it ever get any easier?"
"A little..everyday is a new day, it still hurts, still haunts, but it is a battle worth fighting.." he encouraged, remembering her help with his Lyrim problem. "And I'm here, if you should ever need me.."
He didn't know how she felt, so he'd never press it farther than that. She had said a few overly kind words a time or two, but he didn't think she meant too much by it. All he did know is that she has been a good person, a supportive friend, and a worthy leader.
"Thank you..will you stay for a little longer? Unless, you have more important business. I'm sure you do, I understand," she pulled away, but he didn't let her get far.
"Nothing more important than this," he countered, looking down at her tired eyes.
She gave him a sheepish smile that would have been brighter if her eyes weren't betraying her.
"You are too kind to me.." she whispered, as he pulled her back to where she had been resting against him. "Why?" Her question was muffled by his armor.
He sighed, trying to think of a way to explain.
"Because..who you are, what you've done, what you are trying to do, has given me hope. A hope that I thought to have been lost long ago.. You are someone I can follow. You are honest."
She looked up at him once more, the sheepish smile returning.
"I'm glad you think so, Commander.."
The stood there in silence for a time, embracing one another in this rare moment of comfort they both sorely needed, but never realized. The sun was setting, and Cullen knew it was time for him to depart.
"It is time to rest now, Inquisitor," he stated, loosening his arms from her body.
"Yes.." she replied, and went to her closet to find a nightgown to sleep in.
He walked over to her bed to give her some privacy, and pulled the blankets down for her to climb in. She was beside him not a moment later, her hair still down, the nightgown soft against her skin. Slipping herself into her bed, Cullen pulled the covers over her small frame.
"Sleep well.." he said, stroking her hair one last time before turning to depart, but her marked hand reached for him, taking hold of his own. He looked back at her, questions in his eyes.
"Will you stay?"
The look of worry in her lifeless eyes nearly broke his heart. He nodded in response.
"Of course," he assured.
She pulled lightly on his hand, as she began to make room for him beside her. He joined her, taking off the top layer of his armor, so she could be comfortable. Neither hesitated to come closer to each other, he had his arms around her again, and she clung to his chest as if he would be taken away at any moment. She tried to calm herself by listening to his even breaths. But then she felt a pang of guilt, feeling selfish.
"You don't have to stay if you are uncomfortable.." she whispered, wondering if he was okay. "I'm sorry.."
"I'm not," he replied, smiling to himself. She had no reason to worry.
"Thank you, Cullen.."
This is most she ever said his name. She was always so formal. To watch her unravel and be like this was fascinating to him. He felt himself relax deeper, not bothered by the situation. He found that he liked to console her, and in a way, her presence was a comfort to him as well.
Laying here with her made him think more, wondering about this elf that lay against him. He knew very much about her by her actions, and their time in the Inquisition together, but he didn't know about her life before, about her memories.
"Would you tell about your time with your people? Your time before all of this?" he asked, interested in her answer.
"My clan? I was younger then, an adolescent when I left. My time with them was peaceful, fulfilling.
Being one with everyone and everything. Sitting in the shade of trees, watching as the Halla grazed. Coming back to our small camp, and listening to our Keeper tell us stories, and heartfelt legends of long ago..."
He could picture the tranquility of such a place, wondering if he could ever feel such serenity.
"It sounds quite nice.. Do you miss it?" he asked, letting his hand play with a stand of her hair.
"Sometimes..I miss the connection to everything around, the trees, the wildlife, the water..the unity made the days so blissful. I was pleasantly surprised when I recently traveled to the Emerald Graves. The trees went on forever, the deep roots, the life of my ancestors sprouting anew. I could feel their auras, woven into the forest.." Cullen watched as she closed her dark, tired eyes. "I would very much like to go back there soon. To feel that again. To feel at home.."
"Perhaps I might accompany you?" he asked, regretting pushing his presence further upon her.
"I'd very much like that, Commander," she answered, a smile playing on her lips.
He smiled in return even though she couldn't see him, for her sleepy eyes remained closed. She needed rest.
"Imagine yourself there now..the green trees, the rays of sun on your face, just embrace that feeling now.." he whispered, watching her face grow peaceful. "Let that be where you are.."
Her breathing became deeper as sleep finally took hold of her, the sweet release she needed, taking her by the hand. Cullen took a deep breath, hoping that she would be free of nightmares this night..so he stayed, feeling that his own might subside if he had someone there who could stop them. Someone who gave him hope. His Inquisitor.