Rating: T
Warnings: Crossdressing, yaoi, cursing
Pairings: HughesxRoy, EdxRiza (?)
I don't own FMA, Some like it Hot, or any other real world references.
Ring Ring Ring
"Col. Mustang's office, Lt. Hawkeye speaking.
A gruff voice replied on the other end of the line. "Ah, Lieutenant, this is Bradley I have an important discussion I need to have with you and your superior officer." The line on the other end went dead.
Jean Havoc, over hearing some of the conversation, looked up from his dating adds in the paper. "What was that all about? Did the chief get busted for something? He let out a puff of smoke and started circling an add for some divorcee.
"The führer did not specify." With that she left for Mustang's attached office.
Roy was sitting at his desk, feet on the desk, looking at his little black book. "Hmm, maybe I could go out with Lora tonight, she's great with her mouth." He mumbled to himself as he flipped through the pages. His attention was diverted when he heard a clearing of the throat.
"Sir, I just got a phone call from the führer, he wants to see us right away."
"Great, I hope this doesn't interfere with my plans tonight."
"By all means sir work is more important than Lor the Whore, I believe is what she's known around town as.
Roy starred at her, his eyes narrowing. "How did you know about that?"
She sighed as started making a motion for the door. "Women talk sir."
He arched up an eyebrow and gave his trademarked Mustang smirk. "Oh really, what to they say about me."
"Frankly they say your the male equivalent of a bimbo."
"Well," his face flushed red and his smirk vanished. "Shall we go meet with the führer, it is important, more important than your gossip Hawkeye."
She sighed and moved out of the door way to let her boss pass.
"Sir, Col. Mustang and Lt. Hawkeye are here to see you." The secretary ushered the pair into the large office. The powerful man sitting in a power position. Arms crossed, sitting straight at the large mahogany desk. His one visible eye starred at them, making the contact for them to come closer.
"Come in, come it." He said, his deep voice echoing in the large office.
"Sir." The both replied in unison as they saluted.
"At ease, now, I've called you two down here because we have just gotten some information of illegal alchemy use. The interesting thing is that we have connected it to a mafia affiliation."
"Since when has the mafia been interested alchemy?" Roy said.
"Since they've found out it's a great way to make money. You're an alchemist Mustang, you know the story. Simple metals being transformed into gold, something that has a consistent value in almost every country." The führer replied as he threw a file at Roy.
Roy peered at the text in the file. Apparently Vinnie Benenzio, head of the notorious Benenzio crime family, had been under surveillance since early July. Their main headquarters was based in Central and had been under suspicion of racketeering an murder charges. "I thought he was put away?"
"Was." Riza chimed in as she took the file from his hand. "If you would pay attention to the news you would know that he acquitted from the charges."
"Exaclty, he's a very dangerous man, we want to put him away for along time." Bradley scratched the back of his head grabbing another file out of his desk. "It almost seems like he has no weakness. No family, no real friends, the only thing that ever seemed to slip up the teflon don was a woman. He's a know playboy, and that's how we figured we'd get him."
"A sting operation?" Riza interrupted.
"Yes." Bradley said as he looked over at Roy, who seemed to be spacing out. "Of course we're going to need inside informants to be the woman."
Roy shook his head, as if understanding the situation. " I see you need Riza to go undercover as the woman and I'll be doing the surveillance."
"Well, you have the right idea." The führer started. "But, we need an alchemist on the inside. Their the only ones who will truly understand the process they're using to manipulate the metals and how to stop it."
"Hm, I didn't think their were any female alchemist's?"
"Sir, their aren't." Riza said as she started getting the gist of the situation.
"Col. Mustang, we want you to be that woman."
Roy felt his jaw drop and his face grow red."Me! But...but what about...Fullmetal, he looks more like a woman than I do!" The flame alchemist said as he tried to remain calm in the face of women's clothing.
"Col. Mustang, you're suggesting I send an underage individual into the hands of some criminal fornicator? A little low, don't you think colonel, we must think of the children." He cleared his throat as he continued to speak. "Besides this is a direct order, oppose it and you'll be court-marshalled for insubordination. We wouldn't want that, now would we colonel.
Roy stood up from his seat. "Then why is Hawkeye here?" He pointed his finger over to his female subordinate.
The führer let out a hardy laugh. "She's here to teach you how to be a woman. You need someone to teach you, unless you're not telling us something?" He laughed and slapped Roy on the back in a joking manner.
"Lt. Hawkeye, really?"
Riza glared at him and made a motion for her holster. "Do you really want to say that, or do you want to become a real woman?"
"Lieutenant, you start you're training tomorrow at eight hundred hours. And Mustang please don't make us search for you., dismissed." Riza and Roy saluted as they exited the office and walked down the hall. Riza had an uncharacteristic smirk on her face while Roy just silently fumed.
A/N: Okay I've read a lot of Ed crossdressing fics so I thought it was time Roy got his fair share of abuse. I had to add in an OC, which I usually oppose, but, it was the only way I could really make the whole idea fit. I hope you like it, review are much appreciated.
Next chapter: Man I Feel like a Woman. Roy learns the ropes from his right hand woman.