Saturday, April 29th, Columbia University Medical Centre Ladies Room, 3:10 p.m.
Oh. My. God.
To be more specific, crap!
Why is it that if this kind of situation has to happen to anybody it's going to happen to me?
What have I done? Why is it that divine intervention is picking today to single me out?
This time, for once, I am not exaggerating. Otherwise out of all the hundreds of people out in that conference room is it Lilly Moscovitz that comes into the ladies room now to wash her hands?
I can't go out there. What am I supposed to say?
I can't burst out of this stall and just be like 'Oh, hey Lilly. Remember me? Up until last year we used to be best friends until I broke your brother's heart and in your opinion became a home wrecker and stole your boyfriend who I just happened to be in love with me instead of you no matter how much you loved him in return. So I've now stolen most of your friends and am happily dating your beloved ex so now I've decided to turn up to the viewing of your brothers fabulous new invention so I can use my manipulative skanky ways which my grandmother advised me to use to bags one for my country so my dad can win an election so we'll be super duper rich again. Oh, that and my friends wanted to stalk your brother to see how hot he's gotten. Isn't this just so fun?'
I mean, that's obviously not how the past year happened but she won't see it my way will she?
If I go out there she'll punch me in the face!
I just got relatively good looking in the past year. Well, at least better than how I looked in my freshman year. I don't want to do any damage to my facial alignment. That and I've heard she's taken up karate in the past year so I don't want to go souring out the glass window and out onto the street like something out of a Jackie Chan movie either.
Plus, after she sees me and beats me up I just know she's going to tell Michael I was trying to stalk him.
He can't know that! He's a successful millionaire now, he'll think I'm just a stupid, naïve little kid who one had a very strong crush on him.
He's got a cute Japanese girlfriend now who wears micro-minis that I know I must seem like a gangly giant in comparison to her. He has moved on. I have moved on. We've both moved on.
I've got a boyfriend for Gods sake. I shouldn't have even come here in the first place no matter how hot Michael has grown in the past year.
Hello? Remember Mia? Boyfriend! J.P is cute, sweet and so nice and remembers to get those little cookies from Starbucks that I like so much for me every Friday morning before school. He loves me, I love him. It was stupid for me to even come here in the first place. Why, oh why did I let Lana and Tina talk me into this?
This isn't going to affect them mentally and leave them up all night thinking of my ex-boyfriend.
Ack! Lilly is still out there. Wait, I can see through the crack in the door which is difficult to do and not fall off the toilet I'm sitting cross-legged on at the same time.
She turns around and stares straight and the mirror and speaks words that chill the blood running through my veins.
"So, are you going to come out now?"
Oh. My. God.
Saturday, April 29th, Columbia University Medical Centre Ladies Room, 3:18 p.m.
What do I do? What do I do?
I can't go out there!
She obviously knows I am in here, watching me like I am watching her. Just waiting until I try to make my escape so she can tear my newly highlighted hair out with her Chanel nail polished talons.
"Come on," she calls out "You've got to come out sooner or later."
Like hell I do!
I try to brace myself with my hands against the walls of the small and suddenly cramped cubicle.
Can I just note that it is really hard to stay cramped up on a toilet seat for so long when you have legs as long as me.
I felt like we were both little kids again and playing hide and seek in her apartment.
Only, you know, except if she finds me this time she will kill me.
I tried to stretch my legs out slights but the heels of my Louboutin boots scraped against the wall of the cubicle making that horrible sound of nails on a chalk board.
I cringed and hastily withdrew my leg.
Damn my love for Louboutin!
She knew I was here! She knew the cubicle was most definitely OCCUPIED and that I was in it!
Oh no! No, no, no, no, no.
"Hurry up!" I could see her face in the mirror and it was that same face she used to use with me when she was trying to stay clam but she was really annoyed.
"Come on!" Yep, that's not going to happen Lilly.
No matter how afraid I am of you and your Jackie Chan like powers.
"Michael's waiting for you!"
Excuse me but WHAT?!
Oh my God. She's going to rat me out to her ex.
Michael is going to know about how even though we've had over a year of a casual e-mail relationship I was still obsessive enough to stalk him.
Well, be persuaded into stalking but it's the same thing really.
"As well as a whole conference room full of people!" Lilly continued her voice moving more steadily from clam to incredibly annoyed.
What? So she alerted a whole conference room full of people that I'm in here.
Does she just have a little red button tucked under her belt which is labelled: Annihilate Mia?
It would explain a lot about her to tell you the truth.
"You don't want to disappoint Michael do you?"
No, of course not, a reflex reaction in me said still left over from my first love days.
Shut up! I told myself trying hard not to make any noise, trying hard not to even breathe.
"Do I have to come in there and drag you out myself?" She questioned and I felt myself freeze on the spot, my hands clamped in a desperate attempt to weld themselves to the toilet roll holder.
"I'm coming!" a voice in the next cubicle yelled out in a scared tone.
I didn't blame them, Lilly with her multiple facial piercings and brightly coloured hair could be very intimidating.
"About time." I heard Lilly mutter under her breath as she turned to greet the girl coming out of the cubicle.
I peered through the crack in the door while still maintaining my position on the toilet seat.
My breath stopped and I recognised that girl immediately.
Then I fell of the toilet seat and landed sprawling on the floor.
Saturday, April 29th, 5:45 p.m., Ladies Room at Nobu.
Why is it that whenever there is a source of drama in my life I always end up in a ladies room in a public place to pour my feelings out into a journal.
Seriously, since my freshman year it seems to have become like my own personal sacred ritual.
Because this is big, so big, that Tina, Lana, Trish and I have been discussing it for two hours over virginal -and not so virginal in Lana and Trish's case- drinks at the bar.
So where was I? I'd landed sprawling on the ground after so elegantly falling of the toilet seat that I almost didn't hear what Lilly the mysterious stranger were saying.
I peeked out under the toilet seat door from my uncomfortable position on the floor to get a better look at this girl. God forbid if she had looked down to see me gazing up at her from the toilet stall.
I mean, I know I am a freak but it can come as a shock to people when I exhibit it in public.
So that is when I got my first look at her. I mean, I'd seen her before in the conference room but this time I really saw her up close.
Midori otherwise known as Michael's speculative girlfriend has large, warm brown eyes which were lined with blue eyeliner so they really stood out, long, perfectly straight (I'm so jealous) black hair which seemed to flow down her back like a waterfall, softly swaying with her as she moved and of course, nice legs which gave her the ability wear micro minis.
I was glad I couldn't stand next to her where she could see me because I know I must look like the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk (Rocky loves that story, forgive the analogy) in comparison.
"I came to get you, Michael was getting worried." Lilly frowned at her but rolled her eyes as she said this, brushing of her brothers concern for this girl.
My arms unintentionally wrapped themselves around my stomach as I heard this. Tina was wrong, I was right. There was definitely something going on between the two of them.
Midori pulled out a zipped up make up bag from her purse and started applying Max Factor mascara to her already thick eyelashes.
"I'm sorry; I just get nervous when I have to give speeches. I came in here to calm myself down. You are Lilly, right?"
"Right," Lilly said dismissively, waving her hand in the air while she spoke "it's not a big speech anyway. You just have to talk a little bit about the robotic arm and the contributions you made to it."
She made contributions the robotic arm. She's smart as well as unbearably pretty.
Wait, why do I even care? Michael has a girlfriend (possibly, assumed until proven otherwise) and I have a boyfriend.
"Yes, I know it is not a big speech but when I am alone on stage I get the feeling that I'm going to, what is the word in English for it?, ah, spew my guts out."
I know the feeling Midori.
Lilly just raised her dark eyebrows at Midori. Whenever Lilly speaks she stares someone straight in the eye and doesn't look away. Grandmere always criticises me on how I should do this more, "It is a sign of confidence Amelia! Don't you wish to be seen as confident?"
To be honest I don't really care so long as I don't make an ass of myself.
At least because of this I don't have to worry that Lilly will look down and see me watching them.
Midori by then was now putting on some lip gloss and Lilly was tapping her hands on the hand dryer impatiently. I thought that if Midori didn't get out of there soon Lilly might strangle her using only her bar hands.
"Your brother, he tells me you like to do things with TV?" Midori asked Lilly while smoothing the pink gloss over her lips while she talked.
"I don't 'do things with TV'" Lilly glared at her in annoyance "I have my own cable talk show where I talk about my views on the many issues that face our world." Her tone became more polite and civil.
"Isn't that the same thing?" Midori asked of her as she rummaged through her cavernous makeup bag.
Lilly narrowed her eyes. "No, it's not."
Midori looked up and noted Lily's sour face and laughed- a sound delicate and flowing like running water.
"Michael also tells me you're quite strong minded."
Lilly snorted and said "yeah, he would say that. He's not exactly the reoccurrence of Christ himself."
Midori smiled politely but it looked like she didn't understand what Lilly was saying. I was used to Lily's cryptic sentences and retorts about her brother from growing up with her even if we barely acknowledge each other anymore so I didn't blame Midori for having no idea what Lilly was saying.
After continuing to rummage through her makeup bag the silence as well as Lilly's impatience grew more pronounced.
Eventually as Midori pulled out her mascara brush again to reapply Lilly cried out, her patience disintegrating "You've already done that already! Look, I've been told, no ordered is more like it to get you out of this bathroom and I'm not payed to be a babysitter so come on."
With that she pulled Midori and her makeup bag out of the ladies room without giving Midori a moment of thought and I was left sitting on the ladies room floor, staring at where they had just vacated in wonder.
Then eventually I dragged myself off the floor and darted out of the building quickly in fear of someone associated with Michael seeing me.
I had to tell my friends! Michael is dating Midori who is so pretty, smart and is the normal height for a woman not like me, New Yorks personal giant who people marvel at in horror as they walk past me.
They don't, I'll admit I might be over exaggerating a little bit there. A little.
After that I met Lana, Trish and Tina and we all went to Nobu's where we debated Michael attractiveness on the hotness scale (apparently he now rates a 9 which coming from Trish and Lana is very impressive but admittedly undeniable), what new piercing Lilly had on her face, the likeliness of Midori being Michael's new girlfriend and which college I should go to.
As soon as they hit that last subject I knew I should get out of there. I don't want anyone to know where I'm going to college just yet mainly because I don't even know myself. Whenever someone talks about it I feel sick like I've drunk too much imported French champagne like I did that one night for my seventeenth birthday party.
That's also the thing. Everyone wants to know where I am going. My parents, Grandmere, Tina, Lana, Trish, and Michael also asked me in an e-mail and J.P. really wants to know so he can plan his own college around me.
Sometimes I seriously want to scream to everyone who asks me "It is my choice! It had absolutely nothing to do with you!"
Well, if J.P. is planning his college around me I guess it has something to do with him but that's not the point.
So that's what I've been doing, whenever someone questions where I'm going for college I dodge the question or just plain try to escape, which explains why I'm in the ladies room at Nobu's.
Why, oh, why is my day so fraught with conflict and stress?
Hold on my phone's ringing. It's J.P.
Saturday, April 29th, 6:02 p.m., Ladies Room at Nobu
Ah! I feel like screaming or snapping the toilet role holder of the pink cubicle walls. Is it possible for me to go just a few hours without lying to my boyfriend??!! Is that really too much to ask?
I wonder why I bring myself into these situations; I just bring them on myself.
I've written a transcript of our conversation out here, with commentary included. Then once that is finished I will continue to vent my frustration.
Phone rings
Me: Hello?
J.P: (sounding relieved) Hey, I've been calling you for ages. Where are you?
Me : (sounding panicked because I don't want him to know where I was today because I worry he might feel his manhood or whatever is threatened since I went off stalking my ex-boyfriend who happens to be brother to his ex-girlfriend with my friends.) Uh, nowhere, I'm at home (which I realise now is a stupid thing to lie about because drinks at Nobu's doesn't relate to me stalking Michael at all.)
J.P: Oh. (Sounding surprised) Really? What are you doing? Anything interesting?
Me: (panicking because I'm trying to think of something cool and interesting that I would be doing which I how I came up with this pitiful excuse-)
Oh, yeah. I'm studying for my Calculus finals.
(This is such a stupid thing to for me to say. Mia? You know you can't stand calculus. No one can. Unless you're a mathematician I guess. So this is Mia Thermopolis's Big Fat Lie Number 6.)
J.P.: (sounding worried which I can't blame him for; I'm worried about myself, too)
That sounds…. fun.
Me: (nervous laughter) Yeah, I love those fundamental theorems! (Mia Thermopolis's Big Fat Lie Number Seven .At this point I'm considering killing myself with the toilet roll holder.)
J.P: (sounding worried for my mental health) Okay….
Deathly silence falls on the phone line making me regret the massive web of lies I'd woven around my poor boyfriend.
The sound of the bathroom door swinging open is in the air and two women who look suspiciously like prostitutes enter bathroom. They start to talk. Loudly.
J.P.: (sounding concerned) Are you sure you're at home? What's that noise?
Hooker number 1: (Whom I later find out her real name is Darlene)
So then I said to him if you don't want to pay for my dinner you can't have me darling.
Hooker number two: (Giggling laughter) Exactly! You tell him Darlene, honey!
(At this point I want to kill them both with the toilet roll holder in a mad rush of embarrassed- mortified and panicked really- fury.)
J.P.: (sounding horrified) Um, Mia? Who's that? And more to the point why are they in your loft?
Me: (Shrieking madly on the inside, trying to think up of a random yet plausible excuse) Uh…. No one! Just characters from Baywatch! I'm watching it at the moment you see.
(Mia Thermopolis's Big Fat- Oh, forget it. You get the point.)
Darlene: (calls out while adjusting her pantyhose with her leg hitched up on the sink) I ain't no character from Baywatch, darling.
Idiot prostitute companion giggles madly.
I rip open the cubicle and give them both the death glare which they ignore continuing their croaky bout of irritating laughter.
J.P.: (sounding very confused, as was I) Um… I just spent all of last weekend in your room while you educated me on the importance of Baywatch in real life situations. You didn't mention there was a character named Darlene.
Me: (trying to cover my fumble smoothly) Uh! Yeah, she's a new character we haven't gotten round to her in your Baywatch education schedule. She's very crucial to the plot and never seems to know when to shut up.
I send Darlene a death glare and she retrieves her legs from the sink and puts her hands up in front of her in the universal sign of 'what? Me? I don't know what you're talking about'
Me: (knowing I should get off the phone while I still can while J.P still has some portion of his faith in my honesty in tact. Even if it is unfounded) Well, I better get back to the fundamental theorem. You know how I love it.
Darlene raises her painted on eye brow at me. I glare back.
J.P: (sounding happier now and laughing softly which made me smile) Yeah, I guess true love can't wait can it? I'll let you get back to it.
Me: (relieved to get out of this conversation before I could embarrass myself with more lies.) Thanks so much J.P.
J.P.: (sounding content) Yeah, I'll see you soon, okay?
Me: Sure. See you then. (I assume he meant at school or whatever)
J.P.: (sounding blissful) Love you Mia.
Me: …………… (Panicking, I try to force myself to say it back but only a croaking sound comes out of my throat.)
J.P: (Sounding worried but also a little hurt) Mia? You still there?
Me: (blurting my words out in a hurry so I could get of the phone and figure out what was wrong with me) See you soon, J.P!
Snap phone shut and storm back into my cubicle, ignoring the looks from my prostitute bathroom companions.
This is where I am now. I cannot believe that just happened! Why couldn't I say I love him back? I've said it plenty of times before. Why not now?
This is just like when Kenny told me he loved me on the phone and I couldn't say a word! Except I love J.P., I do. And he doesn't have any weird obsessions with manga characters either. He's is so sweet and I am just so confused.
So why can't I say it back all of a sudden?
What is going on at the moment?
Saturday, April 29th, 10:30 p.m., The Loft.
As I exited the bathroom after sending Darlene and her dear companion a sour look I hoped to escape into a taxi to go to the relaxing sanctuary of my room.
Unfortunately my friends had other plans.
As soon as I escaped the bathroom Tina grabbed my arm, nearly ripping it off and pushed me back into the bathroom with Lana and Trish closely following.
"Ow! What the hell is going on you guys?" I cried while rubbing my arm where Tina's manicured nails had dug into the skin.
"Oh my God, Geek. You will not believe what happened." Lana exclaimed, her Maybelline lashes wide against her blue eyes.
"What?" I asked, getting annoyed.
She looked happy, they all did, but in a way that made me suspicious.
"Guess!" Trish laughed gleefully after sending Darlene and co a glare that would have stopped anyone in their tracks. They quickly piled up their $2 makeup and after stealing one of the hand soaps from the washing basin and depositing it in their faux Chanel purses exited out the door.
How come I can't have a glare like that? One that people will flee in terror from instead of laughing at me.
"How can I guess?" I growled "I have no freaking idea what you're talking about."
"Ah-ah," Lana waved her talon-nailed finger in my face with I look of disapproval etched on her own "You need to show us a bit more respect. This is very important news. By telling you this instead of letting you go out there for our own entertainment we are saving your ass."
"Elegantly put." I said sarcastically. Lana shrugged, looking untroubled and replied "What? It's true isn't it?"
She looked at Tina and Trish who nodded fervently.
Tina grabbed my wrist again, looking up at my face with her huge brown eyes.
"It's true Mia. You don't want to go out there. You'll never guess who's in that bar."
I think we already established that. Although I didn't say this aloud.
"What's going on?" I practically yelled and Trish clamped her hand down on my mouth. "Shut up! These walls are like, paper thin. If you shriek like a banshee they'll hear you out there."
"Banshee?" I asked with a quizzical eyebrow raise.
"SAT word." She explained with a wave of her hand.
"Oh. Let me repeat. What. Is. Going. On?"
"Okay," Lana began, taking a deep breath and adjusting her bra, a habit of hers, before continuing "First off we were just sitting there about to order another round of drinks-"
"You'll never find your way home if you order another round," I cut in "You've had enough as it is. Anymore and you'll fall unconscious in the gutter and I'll have to fish you out. Remember what happened last time."
It was one very awkward moment trying to explain to my limo driver why there was puke and an unconscious eighteen year old spread across the back seat. After all, you can only hold your drink for so long, and your lunch.
Lana ignored my warning and just simply said "Whatever, Geek," before continuing "So we were about to order another round and you'll never guess who walks in."
"I already said I don't know who walked in!" I stage whispered, trying to make my irritation with her as apparent as possible.
"And then we're sitting there and then our jaws like, drop open,"
Lana continued on, ignoring me again "Because who should walk right into Nobu's lounge, like right across the table from us but micro-mini Midori and crew all hanging off her like she's like, the hottest thing since, Prada handbags, pink berry lip-gloss from Victoria's Secret and my Manolo Blahnik heels. Well, in guy terms anyway."
Midori was there! Okay, this was not good. So I started having a major hysterical fit.
My chest was contracting and I was having trouble breathing, similar to the feeling to when I was in another bathroom earlier today and found out Midori was officially Michael's girlfriend.
"Wait!" I asked urgently as I thought of this "Is Michael here?"
Please say no, please say yes.
My mind was chanting while I tried to shut it up. There wasn't anything I could do to stop the chanting, short of slamming my head against the hand dryer which is not something one does in company of friends.
To drown out the excited voice in my head I started to concentrate on what Tina was saying. "Um, yes Michael is here. Don't worry though; he's not sitting next to Midori. He's sitting next to Lilly and the rest of his family."
"His whole family is here?!" I scream, panicking.
"They're near our table? We can't go back there, one of you is going to have to go back to pay the bill. I refuse to go out there!"
"We're not done yet Mia." Trish added with a look of sick amusement in her eyes "Guess who walked in afterwards?"
"There's more?" I whisper, not wanting to hear the answer.
"Yeah," Lana said, overly cheerful, enjoying my anxiety "Because all the while we're trying to make sure Michael and his family doesn't see us, by the way they're having some type of celebration party in there, your guy's paying, Midori apparently has a taste for the champagne, expensive stuff too, you reckon she's a gold digger?"
"No," I whisper again, she's smart and pretty and can make money on her own. Apparently she can hold her drink too.
"She's not and Michael's not my guy. Not any more. So I really couldn't care less." I said defensively.
"So we can join the party then?" Trish asks hopefully.
"No! Absolutely not!" I yell the sound echoing off the walls.
"Chill, Geek." Lana cut in, patting me on the shoulder.
Chill, how could I chill?
First I stalk my ex the try to escape without him or his family noticing me and then he and said family follow me to a bar, out of all of the hundreds in Manhattan, his new girlfriend and colleagues closely following behind him.
"Don't worry Mia," Tina said reassuringly. "You don't have to go out there if you don't want to. We figured we should tell you what's going on. Especially considering what's going on."
"What's going on?" I ask, not certain on if I wanted to hear the answer or not.
"After they sat down and started ordering theirdrinks" Trish noted sourly "the door swang open and another party walked in."
"Mia," Tina said softly to calm me down because I was practically snapping my already short finger nails; I was gripping the sink that hard "It was J.P. and his parents."
Oh. My God. Of all the freaking people to join the party of ex-best friend, current best friends and ex-boyfriend it's my current boyfriend.
That's not awkward at all.
So, Michael….
. This is my new boyfriend J.P. whom you saw me kissing right after a broke your heart before you went to Japan. Since I have a strange fascination to see how you are I allowed my friends to drag me along to stalk you. We then convened here after I tried to escape you sister who hates me and then I lied to my boyfriend because I didn't want him to know I was stalking you. He might think I still have feelings for you. Because I don't. Even though my heart hurts and I feel like I can't breathe whenever I see you and micro-mini Midori. She had fabulous legs by the way. I can see why you went for her.
Anyway, I'm getting off track, so then I find out you've walked in, followed closely by said girlfriend and family all whilst I was lying to my current boyfriend.
Then, get this, J.P. walks in and sits on the other side of our table. Which mean I have no possible route of escape out of here so would you like to join us for drinks and discuss my growing pile of lies and the good old times?
Yeah, because that would go down so well.
I groan and sink down against the wall, hitting my head on the hand dryer on the way down. "I cannot go out there."
It was a simple statement, a fact, rhetorical, not meant to be negotiated with.
Which is why I was so surprised when Tina dared to argue with it.
"Why not? You've got to face Michael sooner or later and this way he can see how happy you are with J.P. which will dispel any desire he has to get back together with you."
Did I really want that? "Thanks T," I said sarcastically.
I know she meant well but she really wasn't helping.
"You're welcome" she said happily, thinking she'd cheered me up "Plus you get to see your boyfriend if you go out there. That's a good thing isn't it?"
Lana narrowed her eyes at me "Unless she doesn't want to see her boyfriend. Do you, Geek?"
She looked at me and I knew she knew something was going on.
"No, I can't see J.P." Tina gasped, overdramatically in my opinion "It's not that I want to break up with him or anything" I quickly assured Tina "It's just that I talked to him before on the phone and he thinks I'm at home, studying for Calculus."
Trish snorted and pulled me up from there floor "And he actually believed that? That doesn't sound like you at all."
True, this had crossed my mind. Why didn't J.P. see through my lie? It was fairly obvious. I mean, anyone in their right mind would realise that I wouldn't actually study for Calculus willingly. Even in my most sorrowful moments I hadn't sunk that low.
"Why did you lie to him though?" Tina asked. I knew she was about to tell me that the key to a healthy relationship is truth, constantly, so I beat her to the punch, so to speak, so she wouldn't have to.
"I know I should have told him the truth but I didn't think he'd be happy with the fact we were stalking my ex-boyfriend. Guys tend to get a little threatened by things like that."
"Drinks at Nobu's doesn't relate to seeing your ex-boyfriend at all. So why'd you lie? You know your lies only get you in trouble in the end."
Was this a profound version of Lana? "You so need to practice lying more often." Okay, obviously not.
"I know that." I muttered tiredly, beginning to reconsider my no drinking alcohol rule.
"This is a crap situation." Trish pointed out, being her observational self.
"Duh, Trish. It's Mia we're talking about here." Lana replied.
I growled at her and she glared back and I sighed, slumping against the wall defeated.
Tina crouched down on the floor so she could look at me. "It's alright Mia. You'll see J.P. tomorrow anyway."
This took me by surprise. "What?"
"Don't you remember? We're going dress shopping for your party tomorrow and then we're all meeting up for coffee afterwards with the guys." Guys, meaning us and all of our boyfriends.
"Yeah, because you were too lazy to look at them last time we went shopping so if you turn up at your eighteenth party wearing some sack by an unknown designer don't come crying to me." Lana announced, standing imperiously above me with a smug look on her fake tanned face.
"Hey, maybe we could go prom shopping after." Trish sounded cheered by the idea.
EW, the prom. I tried to suppress my gagging.
They could drag me into every shop they chose to but I wasn't going to the prom.
I was smart enough not to mention this because they might have turned on me in a fit of anger, throwing me outside the door to feed me to the sharks, or my boyfriend and ex boyfriend and his possibly irate sister.
"Okay," I sighed, giving in.
"Yah!!!!" Tina cheered happily.
I know she was all excited to go to the prom, the prom promise ring Boris had given her gleamed under the fluorescent lights and I wasn't going to burst her bubble or her prom dreams.
I glared at the bathroom cubicle in front of me, wondering what I had gotten myself into. I would pay for lying to my boyfriend tomorrow when I was drowning in layers of pink chiffon.
"Don't worry Mia." Lana smiled, causing the effect opposite of what she desired "I have a plan."
Great, I though, because all of her other plans turned out so well. I was thinking of all the numerous times Lana had tried to drag us to some 'get together' which was destined to be star of which mainly involved a lot of drinking and some guy hunting me into a corner where I was trying to hide and then throwing up on my shows.
I made Lana buy me a new pair of kitten heels after that night.
"That's good." I said, although Lana must have either thought I was serious or she was just dismissing my sarcasm for terror.
"Ok, Trish, go pay the bill. If anyone sees you or me here they won't be so suspicious." Lana ordered. Trish saluted and did as was obeyed, the door swinging behind her as she left.
"Now, you, Tina. Go order a taxi, if anyone sees Mia's limo they'll be suspicious."
I saw what Lana was getting at now and I smiled. "Cunning."
"Mia, you'll be paying the fair for all of us since I've blown all of my taxi money on mobile credit."
And just like that the smile slipped off my face and was replaced with a look of irritation.
I didn't mind though, so long as I didn't have to face who was waiting outside of those doors I would have gladly handed over my entire purse, black American Express card included.
Tina started pushing numbers on her mobile and pressed the phone to her ear.
"Hello?" she spoke in a delicate tone "Manhattan taxi service? Good, this is Tina Hakim Baba speaking and I would like to request a taxi be sent to-"
"Oh, my God Tina" Lana interrupted her "You aren't speaking to royalty here"
She pointed at me and then laughed at her own joke "Just order the freaking taxi."
Tina said quickly into the phone "Can it be sent around the corner of Nobu's. Yes, please don't park in front of the building."
She turned away, fixing her long veil of hair but before she turned around I saw her shoot a look at Lana.
Lana took of her coat and shoved it at me. I put it on and the perfumed smell radiating out of it made me sneeze.
"Sorry," she said apologetically while taking a chunk of my hair a pushing it around my face "Gretchen used up the last of my Marc Jacobs, Daisy perfume so I had to use my mothers Chanel no. 4." This was a smell she knew I always associated with Grandmere and usually made me allergic.
"It is fine. Don't worry about it" I spluttered out before sneezing again.
She grabbed my nose before I could continue my sneezing fit "Yeah, like that won't draw attention to you."
I tried to respond but all that came out was a nasal sound.
Lana released my nose and wiped her hand on my top.
"Oh, sorry." I said but she just grimaced and went over to wash her hands under the tap, being rather liberal with the amount of soap she used.
"Next time just stock your bag with Kleenex." She replied, putting her hands under the dryer.
Trish burst in the door, waving her arms around wildly in the air.
"Get in the cubicle, get in the cubicle!" she shrieked, shoving Tina, herself and I into the nearest cubicle and frantically locking the door.
"What is it?" I began to laugh but Trish gave her one of her infamous death glare and I quietened down.
I wanted to ask what was going on again because Trish's heel was digging into the foot and tears were starting to stream down my cheeks stayed silent.
The bathroom door slammed against the wall with a bang as someone walked into the room. I peered through the crack in the cubicle door and nearly screamed at what I saw.
It was Lilly! Again!
I swear if I hadn't sucked in a huge breath right then I may have collapsed to the floor. She can't see you, she can't see you, I repeated over and over in my head and I comforted myself in the fact that if she wanted to kill me she had three people to get through.
Although she had no reason to kill me as she did if she had found me at her brother's ceremony. This was just a normal place in New York where by chance two people who know each other may happen to meet up.
Even if those people just happen to be ex-boyfriends, current boyfriends or ex-best friends. There is still a chance of a meeting to occur.
That didn't mean I was going to move one inch from where I was plastered against the wall though.
So that's why I was freaking out when Trish unlocked the cubicle door and shoved me out of the small confined space we were in.
I probably could have killed her right then and there if when I crashed into the sinks Lilly wasn't there standing and looking at me in anger.
Relief washed through me like running water as I realised she was in one of the cubicles. With that Lana dragged my arms and pulled us all out of the bathroom.
I only had time to briefly look over at our previous table and see Michael talking to his grandmother and laughing, my heart made a weird movement and then I looked over at J.P. who was ordering a drink from the waitress and a feeling rose up through my stomach and I felt like I was about to be sick.
What does that mean? Is it the price you must pay for lying to someone you care about?
Feeling sick whenever you're around them, what does this mean? Oh, right. I should know the feeling well. It's guilt. Welcome back my former companion.
That's all I did see before everything turned black.
No, I wasn't hijacked by any terrorists, I didn't lose consciousness although they were all the thoughts that filled my head as my vision disappeared and I felt my feet stumble beneath me.
Apparently Lana had thrown Tina's jacket over my head and had pushed me out the door only I lost my footing and stumbled down the few steps leading up to the entrance way.
From what I heard later on a few people looked up then, Lilly came out of the bathroom and got a good look at us and once we had completely decimated any chance of us getting out of there with my dignity in tact Lana threw a tip at the waiter and shoved me head first into the nearest taxi.
But, not before Lilly took a picture on her camera phone.
That's right, I am screwed. Completely and utterly.
Lana claims that it's because I stumbled down the steps.
I shrieked at her, alarming the taxi driver "You shouldn't have tried to kidnap me!"
"How else could I get you out of there?" She asked of me calmly "Trust you to go calmly down the steps on your own?"
"You didn't have to shove me!"
"Hey, it's not my fault you're clumsy." She retorted.
From then on I acidly reminded her and the taxi driver who was paying the fair and she shut up.
Now, I'm in my bed which is where I wanted to be all along and you know what?
I can't go to sleep because I keep thinking about lying to J.P. and even worse I can't stop thinking about Michael.
Sunday, April 30th, 9:30 a.m., Dressing Room in Saks
What did I ever do to my friends to be forced to endure this kind of torture? I am not exaggerating, I have been shoved in practically every dress in the store, whether it fits me or not.
I think I am secretly getting paid back since we had to leave Nobu's early last night.
This would explain why they ambushed the loft at SEVEN THIRTY IN THE MORNING (not to mention on a Sunday morning when nobody in their right mind should be up that early) to drag me out of bed when we don't have to meet the guys for coffee until two.
It's not like I wanted to leave early last night there was just the small implication of having my boyfriend and my ex at our two neighbouring tables, something which is completely out of my control.
But as Trish slurred drunkenly (she purchased a bottle of vodka at the bar while she was supposed to be paying the bill) at me in the cab ride home last night "These things just happen to you Mia."
Why, I do not know.
So even though I paid for Lana's cab ride and I am the one who's going to be in trouble when Lilly mentions at the next Atom meeting the ungraceful exit I made from Nobu's, with a picture for her proof, I am the one who is getting the blame and the painful torture via designer fabrics.
I seriously cannot handle trying one more thing; I would despise doing this even if I was interested in, EW, the prom.
Over twenty or so dresses have been shoved on me like I'm a little paper doll and the only reason I can write this at the moment is because I'm meant to be trying on seven more dresses by an 'totally awesome up and coming designer' whose taste in fabrics is repulsive.
I don't know if I can ever wear clothes again after today's traumatic experience. I might just run around naked for a while, let my inhibitions run wild and free.
Forget becoming princess of Genovia and going to college I might just skip all that and go and join a nudist colony.
Even Lana would have difficulty tracking me down there.
Suddenly that loose idea in passing has become suddenly appealing.
Although the paparazzi would have quite a field day and J.P. would get quite a shock. He seems eager to go to the same college as me, no matter where it is so he might be interested in joining me on my little expedition of self discovery.
He might feel a bit humiliated if it got out into the newspapers as it undoubtedly would.
Princess Mia Goes Crownless! (Among Other Things)
I think it actually has a certain ring to it. If only my friends knew the terrifying power they had over me only by taking me prom shopping.
I never used to be like this. My sweetest dreams were of being taken to prom with all eyes on me, my face bursting into a smile of pure happiness as my arms wrapped around-
Never mind. Prom is completely stupid; no one who has a sane part of their brains left would ever find any appeal in it. As I write this I am well aware that my friends are excited about the prom.
"Mia come out here, what's taking so long? Are you alright?" Tina calls from behind the dressing room curtain.
"Mia, get your ass out here!" Lana yells in a less concerned tone, still feeling the effects of her hangover.
I've paused, trying not to make a sound. Sooner or later they will realise what I'm doing and will try and come for.
It's time to stall so I call out "Hold on, do you have any idea what type of designers puts so many buttons on one stupid dress?"
"A very expensive one," Trish says laughing "hurry up all ready."
My iPhone makes a sound from inside my Chloé handbag alerting me to a message. Quickly I try to discreetly pull it out, expecting a text message from J.P. saying he loves me and can't wait to meet me for coffee.
Instead when I open the message a picture of me sprawled on the ground at Nobu's comes onto the screen, flashing a candid shoot of my underwear.
Underneath the embarrassing photo is a line of text which read 'Look familiar?'
Oh my God, I cannot breath, again.
This is proof Lilly is mad at me and if going to use that photo of me for destruction.
What can I do? What do I do?
Is this another go at revenge, blackmail like although there haven't been any updates on that sight for almost two years.
What if it is blackmail and she's going to try and sell the picture to the press so the whole world will know that I wear Hello Kitty undies?
"Wait a minute," Trish is saying from behind the curtain "None of the dresses we handed her have any buttons on them."
"What is she doing then, and what's that sound? It sound almost like a scratching" Tina is cut of by Lana's shrieking.
"Oh my God. She's writing in her journal again!"
I can hear angry murmuring from outside my dressing room. They know I am in here and they know I am not obeying their orders and forcing myself into the tiny dresses they hand me. How long will it be before they kill me?
The next thing I know Lana pulls me from the dressing room where I am in fact sitting in my underwear and I try to cover myself with my journal and my iPhone with the text from Lilly clatters from my lap onto the ground at their feet.