The Love of A Friend
1: Realization
Nakano Hiroshi's fingers plucked at the strings of his acoustic guitar, though he wasn't paying any real attention to what notes he was hitting. His mind had been elsewhere instead of on his music. It wasn't like him to be so scatter brained, but at this point he wanted to keep that one image from entering his thoughts, and the only way to do that was to think about something else. Unfortunately, every time a thought entered his head that image popped up again, forcing himself to bring up another subject for his mind to dwell on, thus resulting in his sporadic thoughts. All for the sake of avoiding that one image.
Ayaka, he thought sadly, where did I go wrong?
Before his thoughts on her could go any further, the house phone rang, breaking the five second silence that had befallen his small apartment, much to Hiro's relief.
When he gratefully accepted the phone call, he was greeted with a the high-pitched voice singing his name on the other end of the receiver. "Hiro! Where are you today? We have to practice!"
"Shuichi?" Hiro asked dubiously, setting his guitar on the floor beside his chair. "What do you mean 'practice'?" Hiro was confused, to say the least. The band hadn't made an arrangement to get together today, nor did K force them to work on Sundays anymore. Moreover, Shuichi usually spent his Sundays with Eiri Yuki.
"Band practice," Shuichi responded simply, before deciding to yell into the phone, forcing Hiro to pull it away from his face. "The one time I'm early and you're not here!"
After placing the phone back to his ear, Hiro sighed as he shook his head in disbelief. It's not as if it were the first time Shuichi got the days confused and thought they had work when they didn't, but it was the first time he thought they had work on a Sunday. "Shuichi, look around you."
The other end was quiet for a moment, more than likely because his pink-haired friend took the time to look around. "What am I supposed to be looking at?"
"No one else is there, right?" Hiro asked, his lips pulling back into a small smirk. He was genuinely amused by Shuichi's clueless behavior at the moment.
"How'd you know that?" He sounded shocked when he asked the question, as if one had to be psychic to know that no one would be around on a Sunday.
Hiro took a deep breath, not believing Shuichi hadn't gotten it by now. "Listen carefully, Shu," he said, before closing his eyes and reopening them. "Because no one works on a Sunday!"
"So, what happened today?" Hiro asked his best friend, who was currently sitting across from him with a garlic shaker in his hand.
Since Shuichi had already been out and because Hiro lived closest to NG, Hiro had decided to invite him over so they could spend the day together. That way Hiro could get his mind off Ayaka and have fun with his friend, and Shuichi could just, well, be Shuichi and not have anyone reprimand him for it. Anyone usually being Eiri Yuki; at least, that's the impression Hiro had sometimes.
When Shuichi ignored Hiro's question, he prodded a bit further. "Shuichi, what happened today?"
Shuichi continued to shake garlic onto his pizza, not caring that it was piling up. "What do you mean?" he asked lifelessly, his eyes not moving from their spot. His tone was completely void of his usually energetic self; he seemed to have something on his mind, and Hiro had a good idea what it was.
"Is it Yuki-san?" he asked, leaning forward with his arms propped on his lap.
Shuichi's head snapped up to meet Hiro's gaze, his eyes showing a flicker of surprise before they closed. A sigh blew passed his lips as he shook his head, pink locks swaying from side to side. "I just made a little mistake is all. Haven't you ever showed up to work on a Sunday?"
"Not unless I had something on my mind and wasn't thinking clearly," Hiro replied. He picked up a can of soda that had been sitting next to him and pulled the tab open, resulting in a fizzing sound to resonate throughout the room. "Besides, you usually spend Sundays with Yuki-san." He took a sip, enjoying the taste of carbonated orange soda before setting it back down. "You've never forgotten a date with him, ever."
"I didn't forget!" Shuichi protested, his eyes now boring holes into Hiro's, though Hiro's own gaze must have been far too intense since Shuichi quickly averted his eyes. "I guess I must have just forgotten it was Sunday." He sighed, setting the garlic shaker down and splaying himself over the floor. "I always used to know it was Sunday because Yuki and I would spend time together. I would always remember, 'tomorrow is the big date with Yuki'. I would count down the days; that's how I kept track of the days of the week." He chuckled at the idea.
"What happened? Why did you forget?" Hiro asked, studying his friend's face for the answers even though he was about to find out anyway.
Shuichi moved his hands behind his head, his eyes now focused on the ceiling. He seemed to have been going off into another world; that world he always went off to when he wanted to escape reality. Hiro had no doubt that it was an interesting place to be; Shuichi's mind, that is. He couldn't blame his friend for getting lost in there so much, not that he knew what was going on in there to begin with.
It must be nice to have a place to get away from the world, right in your head, Hiro thought idly. While he was always the type of guy to confront his problems head on, he had to admit to himself that it must have been nice to just get away every once in a while. Even if it were only for a minute.
When Shuichi finally spoke Hiro almost missed it. His voice was barely above a whisper. "I lost track of the days because Yuki and I haven't been spending much time together lately. I mean, I'm used to him blowing me off every now and then, but lately..." he trailed off as his lids closed, making him look as if he were in a peaceful slumber. Hiro took the time to admire his soft features; mainly his little nose, until Shuichi's voice startled him back to reality. "It's like he'd just rather be doing other things than be with me. Anything else. I guess it's been so long since the two of us spent a whole day together that I just lost track of the days."
"You ever consider getting a calender, Shu?" Hiro teased, now moving to lay down on the floor as well, his own arms propping his head up.
Shuichi chuckled, though it seemed forced. For the first time in a while, Shuichi genuinely sounded unhappy. "Maybe I should."
A comforting silence befell the room for what seemed like a whole hour. Hiro had taken the time to get lost in his thoughts, mulling over some things. Though he hadn't particularly noticed, Ayaka had not crossed his mind not once. His thoughts were centered around the other person in the room, and the one feeling he had upon hearing his confession. Joy. He wasn't sure that was it at first, but after a few minutes, or however long the silence lasted, alone with his thoughts, he was able to confirm it. The idea of feeling joy about Shuichi not seeming happy with Yuki made Hiro sick to his stomach, but it was there, plain as day. He thought he figured Shuichi would be happier without Yuki, but deep down Hiro knew that was bullshit. There had to be another reason why Hiro could possibly want Shuichi to feel unhappy with Yuki, but he could not think of any. Hiro had made it apparent to himself and Shuichi that he didn't care how he was happy, so long as he was happy period.
Then why am I so happy when he clearly isn't? he thought miserably.
"Are you going to talk to him?" Hiro asked, suddenly breaking the silence. He knew if Shuichi would just talk to the man then everything would somehow sort themselves out, and Shuichi would be back to his usually peppy, energetic, Yuki-loving self.
He had an idea of what the answer would be too. Somewhere along the lines of, 'I don't want to bother him' or 'I don't want him to get annoyed with me'. That or a 'I'm happy with the way things are' which anyone else would call bullshit on if they saw the look on Shuichi's face. But Hiro knew better. He knew that no matter how miserable or sad Shuichi seemed in his current standing with Eiri Yuki, he was content. Because Shuichi loved him more than anything in the world, and just being on the same planet as him seemed to make the young vocalist happy. And that's all Hiro wanted, was for Shuichi to be happy.
"No."
Hiro turned his head to look at Shuichi, waiting for him to say something more than just 'no', but he didn't. He was surprised, to say the least. He expected a string of excuses for Shuichi to not talk to Yuki; or for him to say he was afraid of him, which he had admitted before. Instead he just received a simple answer of 'no' and that's it.
"No?" he asked, making sure he heard correctly. "Is that all?"
Shuichi didn't shift in his spot. "Well, you asked if I was going to speak to him about it, and I said 'no'. So, I guess that is all."
"I thought you would have more to say than that. Like more dumb excuses." Honestly, Hiro was surprised by Shuichi's attitude. It almost sounded as if he just didn't care.
"Hey!" Shuichi sat up and stared down at Hiro, who did not seem phased by his friend's outburst. "What do you mean 'dumb excuses'?
"Well," he started, shifting his gaze to meet Shuichi's, "You're always making up these reasons why you avoid talking to him about this sort of thing, like how you don't want to upset him, or you're afraid of him."
"Those are true!" he protested.
Hiro shut his eyes, trying to think of a way to word his thoughts. He knew how sensitive Shuichi could be, and had learned to phrase things just right when talking to him. When he opened his eyes again, Shuichi had moved closer to him. His violet eyes were boring holes into Hiro's, as if daring him to defy his reasoning. It was then that Hiro knew he hit a soft spot.
"Shuichi, I don't think you're afraid of him - or rather, I don't think that's the reason why you don't want to talk to him."
Shuichi didn't say anything. He only continued to stare at Hiro as if waiting for him to continue. Hiro did just that.
"I think you're afraid of ruining what you have with him. You're afraid of bringing up anything wrong, because then you'd be admitting that your relationship with him isn't perfect."
"I know it's not perfect," he responded hurriedly.
"I know, but you're afraid of finding out that maybe, just maybe, this isn't the kind of relationship you want."
"That's stupid," Shuichi instantly dismissed, waving Hiro off casually. He lay on his back again to continue staring at the ceiling before his eyes closed, going back into that lethargic state. "I'm happy with what I have now," he replied quietly. It seemed more like he was telling himself than he was telling Hiro.
"Sure, for now," Hiro replied knowingly. "But you're afraid that you'll find out-"
"That I'm not really happy," Shuichi interrupted, now sitting up. His brows were furrowed in thought as his intense gaze bored holes into the wall on the other side of the room. Hiro had wanted to say something, but decided against it since Shuichi seemed to be going deep into thought. He was having a realization.
He's entering that world again, only he's in there to think this time.
After a few more moments of silence, Shuichi sighed. The sigh sounded heavy and seemed to be laced with dread, as if the realization was a bad one.
Hiro scooted closer and lay a supporting hand on his best friend's shoulder, who seemed to relax his body a bit when he did so, causing a small smile to tug at Hiro's lips. "If you really love him like you say you do, then a simple talk won't ruin your relationship. At least, not if you don't let it."
Shuichi didn't say anything right away. Instead, his head lowered as his gaze appeared to drop to his lap. His thin fingers played with the hem of his shorts while he seemed to phase back into that world of his. He had been doing that a lot lately, and Hiro was starting to get a little concerned. It wasn't like his moments where he would just daydream about whatever his mind flocked too either. These thoughts were deep, Hiro could tell. As if he were really contemplating something. Something serious.
"Hiro." Shuichi turned to face him. His eyes shone with determination for the briefest of moments before they softened, taking on an almost pleading look.
But what would Shuichi be pleading for? That's what Hiro was wondering at the moment. Shuichi had looked as if he wanted Hiro to do or say something, though the guitarist had no clue what and it was driving him mad. Shuichi would normally just come out and say it, so he figured it had to have been something he was ashamed of, perhaps. Or something that was really serious. Maybe something he wanted to tell Hiro, but couldn't?
"What are you trying to tell me?" Hiro asked, wanting to find out what was causing such distress to his best friend. He wanted to find out what made Shuichi look so desperate and squash it. Or at the very least, help him get through it.
Hiro saw a multitude of emotions flashing in Shuichi's eyes, but they were gone just as soon as they showed up, leaving Hiro unable to discern what any of them were.
"I'm not trying to tell you anything," he answered finally, his voice sounding neutral. His eyes closed for a moment before opening again, landing back on Hiro.
Shivers crawled through Hiro's spine, though he wasn't sure why. Perhaps he wasn't used to the intensity of Shuichi's gaze. He knew the singer had it in him, and had probably given Yuki stares with greater intensity. But Hiro had never been on the receiving end of one like this before, even when the two stared one another down in anger, which wasn't that rare.
What are you hiding? he wanted to ask Shuichi. He wanted to ask him why he seemed worried to tell his best friend, that he knew since high-school, about something that was obviously plaguing his thoughts. But, at the same time, he had the feeling it was something Shuichi would really prefer to keep quiet, at least until he was ready to share. That alone was enough for Hiro not to ask any more questions about it.
"So," Hiro said, trying to interrupt the silence in the room. "Are you going to talk to him or not?"
Shuichi just smiled, single handedly destroying the tension in the room with that single look. "Nope!"
"Really? After what we talked about you still don't want to talk to him?" Hiro reached for the can of soda he had earlier and took a sip, wincing when he tasted warm, flat liquid instead of cold, fizzy orange soda like he had before.
"I'd rather just keep things the way they are." He replied with the same predictable answer Hiro had expected to receive before. However, that only heightened Hiro's curiosity, leading him back towards the belief that Shuichi had wanted to say something else before, but chickened out at the last minute. Otherwise, why hadn't he just responded like he did now?
Hiro knew; he had been trying to lead up to telling him something. He just didn't know what it was.
Hiro found himself to be speechless at the moment. His mind was working overdrive, and for once it wasn't over his shaky relationship with Ayaka. Of course that brought on a new wave of worry to crash onto Hiro; he didn't want to have to worry about two things now.
"If you say so," was all Hiro managed to say. He didn't sound too convincing.
"I do," Shuichi replied as he hopped to his feet. He stared down at Hiro with one of his wide smiles. "I need some fresh air. Let's go for a walk in the park or something."
Hiro had honestly wanted to stay inside. He was tired, and hadn't been getting much sleep lately. It was hard to sleep when his dreams were full of the one he was falling for, unable to do anything about it.
But, he couldn't turn his best friend down. Not when he was staring into those huge, hopeful, violet eyes of his. He just couldn't say no.
"Alright." Hiro stood up, dusting his jeans off out of force of habit, rather than because they were actually dirty. "You wanna' take my bike there?"
Shuichi's eyes lingered on Hiro for a moment before changing focus to the ceiling. "Hiro, that would defeat the whole purpose of taking a walk," he laughed lightly, turning around and slipping into his sneakers. "Hurry up before we waste a whole free day!" he urged playfully as he ran out the door.
Hiro's brows furrowed in contemplation as his lips formed a flat line. There was something about Shuichi's behavior that was bugging him. He was somehow different. It was subtle and well hidden, but he could tell the change was there. Somewhere inside that wonderland Shuichi calls his mind, there was a change occurring, and Hiro wanted to know what it was.
Shuichi gently pushed open the door to the apartment, trying hard not to allow it to even make a sound. He slid inside when the door was wide enough and just as quietly pushed it closed. As he looked around, he noticed the room seemed empty, almost lifeless. He knew right away that his daily search for Yuki would come up empty, but that didn't stop him from looking anyway.
Not even bothering to turn on the lights, he searched the bedroom, Yuki's study, the bathroom, the kitchen, the closets, the fridge, the cabinets, and even the trash can; he found no sign of his lover, as he thought.
He didn't feel his heart sink to his feet, nor did he feel this undeniable urge to scream Yuki's name to the heavens and sink to his knees. In a way, he felt absolutely nothing at the moment. It was a strange feeling that he didn't quite understand; perhaps he had gotten used to not finding Yuki home? That was the only explanation he found feasible at the moment.
Shuichi found himself at the window of their large balcony, staring out at the thousands of bright lights dotting the city before him. He took comfort in the fact that Yuki was somewhere beyond those lights, in that city, and that he would be coming back. Still, it bothered him that he wasn't feeling as...empty, without him as he normally did. While it was not good, and he knew it, to be so reliant on another human being, Shuichi didn't feel any sense of self confidence or independence for not feeling so lost without Yuki. He just felt...nothing. And it bothered him.
His hand pressed against the cool glass of the window as his forehead did the same. "I do love you, Yuki," he whispered, as if he felt the need to convince himself. Maybe Hiro had been right about Shuichi's fears that everything would just crumble. Maybe that's why Shuichi had been feeling unaffected by Yuki's increasing absence the past few weeks.
Am I too afraid to feel sad? Or worried?
"I love you, Yuki."
"Is that a fact?"
Startled, Shuichi spun around to face Yuki, his cheeks turning a bit red from embarrassment at being caught in one of his 'moments'. Being caught by Yuki, no less.
When Shuichi realized that Yuki was standing right in front of him, in the apartment, his gaze quickly shot to the ground. It was scary how he seemed to pop without making a sound, and it really creeped Shuichi out, to be honest. What scared him even more, however, was the fact that he still felt nothing. Yes, his love for Yuki was there, as it always has been, and he was sure always would be, but he didn't feel that special tingly feeling he normally did when Yuki showed up. That euphoric state he went into just being in his presence; it was gone.
But he knew he loved him more than anything.
So why am I feeling this way?
"So, why are you just standing there talking to yourself?" Yuki asked, his hands in his coat pocket. Shuichi could tell he had just come from outside, and hadn't been hiding anywhere in the house. "In the dark, no less," he added, since Shuichi hadn't turned on a single light since he walked into the apartment.
Shuichi responded by moving over to the couch, practically diving onto it. As he lay on his stomach with his arms folded under his head he searched for something to say to Yuki. Anything. The only thing that came to mind was "I love you" which was all well and good, but Shuichi wanted to say something else. Surely he had more to say to his lover than just "I love you" anymore. Surely he had other ways to express his love for the blond novelist, like he used to. Saying those three words couldn't have been the only way, could it? Shuichi's mind reeled as his eyes shut.
I know I love Yuki. I can feel it. But, that's all I feel. Do I only think I love him?
"Shuichi."
Shuichi's head shot up to see Yuki's form looming over him, his hand reaching down and landing atop Shuichi's messy hair. He sat down beside Shuichi, looking down at him with those honey-like eyes. The young vocalist had no idea what was going through his lover's mind, and strangely enough, he didn't want to know. He didn't want to find out that Yuki was thinking fondly of him. He didn't want to find out that Yuki was silently loving him more than he did now. At least, not at the moment. Because then he would feel guilty...
...Because he feared he was falling out of love with Eiri Yuki.
A/N: I know this chapter seemed short, and not a lot went on, but I assure you that will change in the next chapter, as I am merely establishing the feeling and setting of this fic. Feel free to point out any ways you believe I can improve upon this piece, or any errors you noticed.
Next Chapter: Lingering Thoughts of Passion