(A/N: I wanted to try out this new style of writing so I apologize if it makes little or no sense. Other than that please enjoy this piece of...story or whatever it is)
"Peeta and I had adjoining cells in the Capitol. We're very familiar with each other's screams." I think that it's her nonchalant tone that puts my mind into overdrive and for the first time since arriving in thirteen I don't think "poor Peeta" I think "poor Johanna". I don't stay at lunch much longer.
"Johanna?" It is dark in our compartment and I can barely see my own hands in front of my face. I don't think she is asleep yet – it's too peaceful but after no reply for what seems like forever I reason that she must have escaped the nightmares tonight so I try to get some sleep.
"What" her voice cuts through the darkness and startles me. It's not a question but it's not a statement either and I don't know how to answer without inciting anger so I just stay quiet pretending to be asleep. My ears are ringing and I feel lightheaded. It takes me a few moments to realise that I am holding my breath. This time I count the time that passes.
I hear Johanna move, shuffling towards me in the dark, trying not to fall over her own feet. I turn away to face the wall and remind myself to breathe, trying to convince myself that Johanna wouldn't really kill me. Somehow I can't.
"Oh" It barely registers that it was me that made the sound. I hear Johanna tumble from the bed and crash into the emergency light switch on the wall. "...the hell?" I can still see the explosion of bright lights behind my closed eyes. I haul myself up and rub my eyes managing to make out Johanna's frame slumped at the bottom of the wall. "What the hell?" I ask again but more to myself than her. I watch Johanna stalk off back to her own bed and the lights turn off after a few minutes. We lie in silence for the rest of the night. In the morning we are questioned about the usage of light after hours, I say nothing but Johanna gives them some colourful expressions to take with them back to those in charge.
"Johanna's had a relapse" Haymitch is stone faced when he delivers the news and I have to fight my first reaction which is to hide in another utility cupboard for the rest of the day. Instead I start to head towards the medical wing and as soon as I am out of his sight I start running there instead.
She is quiet for once but the circumstances are unfortunate. I sit silently on one of the chairs doing nothing; staring at the walls, the ceiling and the nurse setting up the morphling drip. "No!" The nurse jumped in surprise as I almost launched myself at him and grabbed the drip from his hands. "She can't, not again". He seems to understand my underlying fear and leaves.
I'm perched on the edge of her bed stroking her hair. It's grown back somewhat since the games but it's all patchy and different lengths. She almost looks like a different person with longer hair but they won't give her a haircut because having long hair won't kill her according to Thirteen but what they don't realise is that it might kill them instead. I make a mental note to get Johanna a haircut before I leave Thirteen. Maybe my mother or Prim could do it one time.
I have abandoned the schedule on my arm every day for the past week. I've spent the time avoiding Gale and everybody else by hiding in the hospital wing. Once Coin's small band of loyalists found me so I pretended to be visiting those who had recently returned from the battlefield and of course another Propo was made. One of the soldiers died last night but I didn't care. Johanna is being kept sedated just now, she wakes up screaming and then tries to fight off all the staff afterwards - the last time it happened Finnick and I had to wrestle her back onto the bed and try and calm her down but now they are slowly reducing her dosage so she should be fully conscious in the next week or so.
"Katniss?" Her voice is cracked from a dry throat. I untangle myself from her arms and slip out of the bed to get her some water. The constant hum of the hospital equipment only dawns on me as I leave through the first set of doors to switch the lights on. Through the small window in the door I see her sit up and rub the sleep from her eyes. I return with a plastic cup filled with lukewarm water and she gratefully accepts it without a word. I don't remember the first time I crept into her bed after the staff were content with me watching her from the chair but I think it must have been after the screaming and the nightmares began again but before she started holding my hand whenever I was close enough to and gave me kisses on the top of my head after she had a fitful sleep. Sharing a bed was nothing more than our mutual need for sleep.
I don't know why she is crying but when I ask her she assures me she isn't. I don't push it, I don't want any hostilities again, I have grown quite fond of Johanna's presence lately. We are back in our compartment though but we move the beds together every night and put them back again in the morning.
I catch her smiling at Annie and Finnick's wedding, a genuine smile as she dances with the nearest person. I feel happy for her.
"And this is the reason she wanted no alcohol involved, maybe Coin does have a brain after all" I find myself looking round for any of the more loyal Coin admirers but everybody is at the wedding reception still. Johanna's head lies limp on my shoulder and she lets out a hearty laugh at my comment. She bet Haymitch that she could drink him under the table, I think she succeeded. I find that she is deceptively heavy as I drag her down the hallway but at least she is full of merriment and so am I. She tries to do an imitation of Boggs dancing but ends up falling and pulling us both to the ground. It strikes me that I don't mind her lying on top of me.
"You okay?" She's in the bathroom again; the events of the past few hours were already catching up to her. Out drinking Haymitch was clearly a fluke, actually I think it means she lost as I hear more retching coming from her. I hop off my bed and make my way to the bathroom. Like Haymitch, she cradles the toilet bowl like she might be sucked into a vortex if she lets go. Unlike Haymitch, I actually feel bad for her. I can't do much but I can smooth her hair and rub her back but she is content with that so it's how we sit for the next half hour or so before she crawls back into bed.
"Johanna?" It's early in the morning, I can tell from the lack of activity outside, but Johanna is gone. I listen for any sounds coming from the bathroom but I hear nothing. Closing my eyes I try to fall back to sleep but it's too late I am already awake. I miss her already.
"Trust me" I hold a damp wash cloth in one hand, my other is outstretched towards her. I know why she was crying last week now. She is hesitant at first but eventually her hand wraps around my fingers. We stand like this in silence and it dawns on me the extent of the Capitol's torture – warp something taken for granted into a debilitating nightmare. Suddenly I take back what I said about wishing I was in the Capitol's hands instead of everyone else. She looks so vulnerable now, like she did in her first games except this time it was real. Johanna takes a tentative step towards me but I've already dropped the washcloth and awkwardly wrapped myself around her. I hope she doesn't cry again, I don't think I could watch that.
My Mother and I have devised a strategy in hopes that we can desensitize Johanna to having water make contact with her again. We start small like leaving the tap on when she's in the bathroom or taking walks in the forest in light rain. I can see her making progress but I also see her crack a little more each day. I rarely leave her side though and Boggs has stopped harassing me about me schedule on my arm. The camera crew is out of my face too and the head doctor thinks it's good that I spend so much time with her but sometimes I think I might not be helping her as much as I should. We don't talk about much, just about our lives back home, well what used to be our homes, like we're only on a brief holiday and we climb trees too. Sometimes we sing other times we sit in silence but we never bring up the games or life at Thirteen.
"Katniss come here" She drags out the "ah" sound and I know she wants something. I start thinking of excuses why she can't have any of my lunch today but I can't find one, maybe I'll just sit out of her reach at the table. But it's not lunchtime yet so I tiptoe towards the bathroom to see what she wants and as much as I deny it I know that I will give her anything she asks for because I need her. As I stick my head through the doorway something wet splashes me in the face and Johanna laughs. It takes a moment but the realisation hits me when I hear the tap water running.
"What do you think you were doing! We are at war and you are wasting resources! Do you think it's acceptable to waste water?" Her voice is almost a shriek and I feel myself pressing against the back of the hair trying to melt in. Of course she is right but something inside makes me want to accept this fact. In hindsight running into the lunch hall drenched in water was not one of my best ideas but it was the only place I thought I'd be safe from Johanna and her makeshift water pistol but she tried all the same although she sprayed Gale by accident. His communicuff started hissing and then he lost it. Finnick and Delly snickering did not help the situation and Johanna doubled on the floor laughing. In that moment everything seemed surreal, the Capitol, the games, the deaths and every other horror of the world seemed to be in another time. Coin however did not experience this so I can't blame her at all really. "Katniss one more infraction and I'll not just pull you out of your squad I'll drop you back in District Twelve"
"There is not District Twelve!" I'm on my feet and yelling before she can say finish "Not anymore" I leave before anyone says anything else.
"It's not your fault, you know. You never asked to be the Mockingjay. They just assumed you would do it. It's kind of ironic though. I mean Mockingjays were proof of rebellion against the capitol and you, you are proof of rebellion against Coin" She's sitting at the foot of my bed on her hands. I feel a smile cross my face briefly, she is right about that, I do represent rebellion although it's no longer against the capitol. She reaches over and brushes the tears from my face and I see for the first time how brown her eyes are. There's a knock on the door and she gets up to answer it. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and put my head in my hands, butterflies in my stomach but I'm not sure of the cause anymore.
"I'll come back, I promise" I mean it but my words feel hollow and I know from her face she doesn't believe me. I can only think of one way to convey this to her but I am hesitant. This could make or break everything between us and then, then there wouldn't be much point in returning. She turns away to march back to the compartment but I grab her by the arm and pull her back, lean in and kiss her. I am glad we are above ground at this moment, away from all the people and the responsibilities. I am glad that she returns the kiss.
"Twirl for me" Johanna purrs in my ear. Pressed up against the wall of our compartment in the dark we are closer than ever before. She plants kisses down my neck and I'm thankful that her arms are wrapped around me holding me up because she makes my legs go weak. I have to focus on breathing but she makes it so difficult as her hands creep lower and lower with each passing moment.
"You both missed breakfast; the dinner officers were not amused" Finnick comments at lunch
"Well Katniss did" She winks at Finnick and I feel colour rising in my cheeks. They both laugh and I pretend to sulk but really I'm replaying the events of the last twelve hours in my mind. I have to excuse myself from the table.
I don't remember much. I know President Snow is dead. I know I killed Coin. I know that I have been abandoned back in Twelve. I know that I miss Johanna. I spend most of my time thinking about Prim and my mother and how everything was my fault and then I think about how Johanna would be the only one who would understand and then I get a dull ache in my chest and I crawl back into bed and wait for it to pass. Sometimes it never does.
When she walks through the doorway I can't even summon the energy to sit up. She looks better than ever though, she has more colour about her, her hair has grown back and she has a sparkle in her eyes. She doesn't say anything, just crawls into bed beside me and plays with my hair for a while. Her touch is comforting and I feel better. Immediately after I feel guilty over everyone who died because of me: Boggs, Finnick, Prim, to name but a few. Then there are those from the arena: Rue, Mags, Wiress, the Morphlings and still he list grows longer and finnally everyone else who was drawn into the war. I can't help but cry and all Johanna can do is tell me it's all over. "I love you" It's the first time it's come from her mouth and I would believe her if it wasn't for the dead screaming in my ears.
"I love you" I know it's wrong but I have started to use her as a distraction after Prims death, what's worse is I think she knows this. It's a vicious cycle: I tell her I love her. I feel guilty about Prim. We have sex. That is my life right now. She is patient though, she reassures me during the night and in the morning she whispers sweet nothings in my ears. She takes me out for walks during the day and in the evening she makes dinner. I catch myself in the mirror one day and realise that I am slowly turning into my mother after my father's death and I can't do that to Prim, even if she is dead.
We stop by the bakery to visit Peeta and he comments on my smile and that only makes it grow. Johanna squeezes my hand, is she jealous? I walk over to the glass cabinets and look at all his cakes. They import them from all over the country now but Peeta won't expand or move his shop. I'm glad, I don't think I could deal with anyone else leaving. I hear them talking about me but instead of it being about my own self-destruction it is about how I seemed to have taken a new lease on life.
"You have nothing to be sorry for" she kisses my forehead as we cuddle under the covers. I tried to apologize for all the times I lashed out or made her cry or used her but she just brushes it away as if it doesn't matter. It matters to me though. I know how I can make it up to her so I grab her hand and pull her out of bed, out into the street. I visit Peeta first to tell him my plan and he agrees to help
We have the traditional District Twelve wedding ceremony one night in the summer. It was a spontaneous decision but nonetheless it was one that was long overdue. In the morning Peeta brought us a cake and Haymitch brought flowers, we had a small party afterwards inviting everyone we used to know. My mother didn't turn up.
I take Johanna to the lake one day. It could have been years after or maybe it was only weeks, not that it matters much. I sit by the edge and sing while Johanna swims in the more shallow parts. She still shudders getting in water and anytime I start a song from my childhood my voice starts to crack. I don't think we will ever be fully repaired but at least we can hide each other's cracks from the world.