To say Hermione Granger was angry was an understatement.
She was pissed. No… she was aggravated… she was… irritated, annoyed, frustrated, perturbed, agitated, disturbed, and every other thesaurus-abusing word there was to describe how incredibly PISSED-ANGRY-DISTURBED she was.
She marched up to the Gryffindor common room (after screaming her head off at the Fat Lady who refused to let her enter if she swore at her instead of just giving her the fucking password) and sat herself on a comfy red armchair. She mumbled a string of curses under her breath and looked up. Sitting across from her was Lavender Brown, engrossed in a book—
Oh HELL no.
Hermione shot up from her seat and dramatically pulled out her wand. By then, Lavender had noticed the brunette's strange behavior and hid behind her book when seeing Hermione's wand pointed at her.
"H-hermione, w-what's g-g-going on?" she stuttered nervously. Hermione lowered her gaze to the book Lavender was holding up for protection and glared.
"Avada Kedavra!"
"So… you used the Killing Curse… one of the Unforgivables… on a book…?" Harry raised an eyebrow as Hermione nodded, her arms crossed over her chest. Harry sighed. "Why?"
"I wasted 46 hours…" she grabbed Harry by the collar, lifting him out of his seat and making the two eyelevel with each other. "I wasted 46 hours of my precious life reading those books!"
"And…?" Hermione dropped him and clawed at her scalp.
"Do you know what those are!?" she shrieked, sending over various death glares at Harry. Said boy gulped nervously and backed away slowly.
"Uh… no…"
"It was the fucking Twilight Saga!" Harry stopped backing away and slapped his forehead.
"I thought you loved those bloody books," he said, sitting back down. He instantly regretted it when Hermione lunged at him and began to shake him from the shoulders.
"You dumb twat! You don't get it do you? Those books are horrid! They brainwash every girl who lays a finger on them!"
"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione…" Harry chided, shaking his head. "You could have gotten expelled! All because you used an Unforgivable on a book!"
Hermione scoffed. "I don't see what's so bad about it." Harry's jaw dropped.
"That spell killed my parents!"
"Pfft. Details, details." Harry's mouth stayed open (which you should never do, you might get a fly stuck up in there) and Hermione began pacing around the room.
"I'm pretty surprised it worked in the first place, y'know? I didn't know you could kill an inanimate object!"
"Oh, Harry but I wasted so much time on those books! It was dreadful! I was in love with them at first… but then… I realized they were so cliché!" by now, most of the Gryffindors were in the common room listening to Hermione's sad, sad tale of her precious life wasted because of Twilight. She sat down in one of the armchairs and groaned, observing the crowd around her. Luna Lovegood stepped out of the crowd and sat on Harry's lap—she was welcomed into the Gryffindor common room with open arms (despite the fact she was a Ravenclaw) ever since she started dating Harry.
"Hermione, the Crumple-Horned Snorkack would like to know more about this Twilght thing," she said, staring off into space. Most of the Gryffindors who weren't used to her eccentricities stared at her strangely. The rest paid close attention to Hermione as she sighed and rubbed her temples.
"Are you sure you all want to know? I don't want anyone throwing up in the common room!"
"We'll just a get a house elf to cle-"
"Shut UP Dean!" the Gryffindors chorused, they all knew how much Hermione hated when house elves were used as servants (hence S.P.E.W) and made sure to silence Dean Thomas before he said anything else to further anger the brunette.
"Well… the first book—Twilight is about some bitch named Bella Swan gets kicked out of her house in Phoenix by her mom and her step-dad so she goes to Forks, Washington to live with her biological father. There, she meets some really creepy stalker-kids and some girls—Jess and Angela. Well anyway, Bella sits with them at lunch and she sees these 'perfect' looking people. There's Rosalie—who's a total bitch, her boyfriend Emmett who's absolutely gorgeous. Then there's Alice—who's a tad… strange but insanely awesome, her boyfriend Jasper and finally Edward-Fucking-Cullen himself who is supposedly 'unattainable.'"
"This sounds stupid," Ginny said, rolling her eyes and slipping on her cloak. "I'm leaving."
"Well," Hermione continued. "He smells her blood in science and freaks out, he disappears for a couple of days, then he comes back and he's all happy and stuff. He becomes sort-of friends with Bella and blah. So one day, Bella gets invited to a beach in La Push where she meets her childhood friend Jacob Black—who is absolutely yummy—and he tells her about vampires and werewolves and the Quileute legends. Later on, Bella's friends invite her to go dress shopping but since she's become very suspicious of Edward, she goes and looks for a bookstore and buys a book about Quileute legends. By this point I bet most readers were thinking about how much of a stalker she is—researching what she thinks is Edward's real identity. Oh!" Hermione snapped her fingers. "She nearly gets hit by a van at one point but Edward decides to be a douche and save her! Anyway, she gets the book and by then it's really late so she sees some guys, shit happens, they try to gang rape her but I don't know why since she's UGLY and UGLY. Well Mr. DOUCHEBAG decides to save her again and then they drive away. More shit happens, they play baseball, bad people come, bad person dies, Bella nearly dies, Edward's a douche AGAIN and saves her AGAIN. More shit happens, they go to the prom—Bella looks so ugly in that HIDEOUS dress of hers—they kiss and shit, THE END."
"Wow Hermione, nice use of detail," Harry rolled his eyes and Hermione oh-so-kindly flipped him off.
"If I said anything else, your ears would have started bleeding."
"MOVE OUT OF THE WAY! COLIN'S UNCONSCIOUS! GET HIM TO MADAM POMFREY QUICK!!!"
Hermione shook her head at the sight of the victim and clicked her tongue.
"Same thing happened to Draco when I told him about the book… sad really, he didn't deserve such a fate."
In some other far-away land…
Lord Voldemort smiled. Stupid Gryffindors! They didn't even notice that he had been spying on them for such a long time!
This is why he was put into Slytherin—because he was actually smart.
He cackled and rubbed his hands greedily. He snapped his fingers and Wormtail ran into the room.
"Yes my Lord?"
"Get me a copy of… of this Twilight book. I need it immediately!"
In another completely far-away land…
Voldemort… what a dumbass!
The man chuckled and turned in his chair.
He knew that the Dark Lord would spy on his Gryffindors therefore leading to the discovery of Twilight.
He knew it all along!
So, instead of doing anything about it, he figured this would be the best way to get rid of him once and for all!
Genius, really.
Dumbledore went to his bed and lay down.
He just needed the news from the Daily Prophet tomorrow and he'll see how his plan turned out.
VOLDEMORT DEAD!!
By: Rita Skeeter
Late last night, in the confines of a building hidden from all Muggles somewhere in Egypt, the Order of the Phoenix found something completely unexpected! The rotting corpse of the man we have feared to call by his real name for far too long—Voldemort! Upon further investigation, we at the Daily Prophet managed to discover that the Order had been planning a raid on Voldemort's headquarters for nearly three months now and when they chose to go and execute their plan, they were surprised to see Voldemort lying on the floor, dead! An insider tells us "It was so fucking crazy! We were super freaked out when we saw his body and immediately reported this to the Ministry". Harry Potter, a member of the Order, offered some insight on this. "Well call me Shirley and fuck me sideways! Hermione was right!" After getting this bit of information, I went to Hermione Granger herself who was all too happy to see me.
HG: Rita you bitch, get out of here!
RS: Hermione, what can you tell us about the recent discovery of Voldemort's death?
HG: Well, I guess you won't leave me alone until I tell you…
RS: Can we continue?
HG: After seeing the body, I realized that Voldemort had died from numerous reasons, including blood loss from the eyes.
RS: What do you think caused this?
HG: I visited the scene and found this… Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. It was this book that killed Voldemort. (Hermione smiled at this point) I guess Twilight is actually good for SOMETHING.
Continued on page 12
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Meh, it didn't end how I wanted it to but whatever.
Review please!