Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of it's characters.
A/N: All right, bear with me. Characters are a little OOC (mostly just Kagome's language), but don't worry, I'll have that back on track once I get all of this set up. Since, the Northwest of the US is what I know, that's where this fic is set. Keep in mind that this is just the prologue, setting up Kagome's back story. The next chapter is where it really begins.
"What is it that you want from me?" I pleaded desperately, my eyes desperately searching his amber eyes for some kind of sign or explanation. "I don't know how I can possibly try any harder than I've been trying."
He stood there, somber, not saying a word. He never did.
"You told me that you were going to be happier once you left Kikyo, but the only thing that has seemed to have done is create more distance between us. Six months, Inuyasha, six months, I've been drowning in this with you! I can't drown any more. I'm not asking for the god damned world. I'm just asking for you to fucking try. Even half as hard as I've been trying. Why is that so freaking difficult?"
I could feel the stinging tears beginning to well up in my eyes. I loved this man, who obviously did not love me in return, and it hurt. What hurt even more was that I was hurting him. Sure, he didn't love me, but he did care, and I was hurting him. I could see it hiding behind his eyes; the guilt, the shame. It made me want to take it all back, tell him I didn't mean it, that I was sorry, just like I did every other time we had this stupid conversation. It took every the willpower of every fiber in my being to keep my hands to myself.
"I love you," I sobbed, a deluge of tears streaming down my flushed cheeks. "Dammit, I do! But I don't love this relationship. I don't love what it does to me. From the time this twisted semblance of a relationship started until now, I've done nothing but break my heart on a daily basis, hoping that it was enough to make you happy. But it isn't, and I don't know what the hell it's going to take. Kikyo couldn't make you happy, and I sure as hell am not enough, but I can't keep hurting myself this way. It's no good for my self-esteem. I've thrown away plenty of good opportunities where I would've had the chance to be happy, and I'm not doing it anymore. I would rather settle for someone who treats me well, even if I'm not crazy about them, than settle for misery with someone I love. I'm tired of hurting and crying and driving myself insane hoping that you'll change. I'm tired of giving you the benefit of the doubt and making excuses for you. I'm tired of putting my feelings and my needs last consistently. I don't even think you realize that I have feelings half the time."
"I know. I'm sorry. I'm an asshole," he mumbled, lowering his eyes.
"That's all you have to say?" I roared infuriated. "That's not going to solve anything. Do you think that's what I want to hear, because really, it isn't. If that's what I thought, I wouldn't have wasted so much of my time on you. I don't know how many times we've gone over this. You used to be so open and caring and communicative when you were cheating on Kikyo, now it's like you just shut down. What happened? I didn't force you to leave her. You did that all on your own. You decided you wanted me, so you have no reason to resent and punish me for this. I understood the first few months, you were grieving. Even if you're ready for a relationship to end, it hurts, I know this, but I can't keep pretending to be completely understanding and happy any more. You've had more than enough time to move on and start working on this, and you haven't taken the chance. I'm done. I really am. I tried. God, I tried as hard as anyone can try, and I'm tired of not being good enough."
"I know you have," he said quietly, his eyes still not meeting mine. "I can't blame you."
"You know, you say that, but if you really honestly realized all of this, why didn't you damned thing about it? I'm sorry, but I need to go. I'll see you at work," I muttered, slipping out of his apartment before he could say anything else. I was sobbing as I unlocked my car and seated myself behind the wheel of the silver compact vehicle. I put my head down on the steering wheel for half a second, trying to gain some composure, and looked up. He wasn't chasing after me. I knew that he wouldn't.
I brushed my thick black bangs out of my face and wiped my eyes, trying to prevent another violent sob from wracking my body. This hurt like hell, but I also felt strangely liberated. It's not like I was going to have to be alone. I had plenty of guys asking me out all the time. In fact, I had spent all last weekend hanging out with Hojo from work, since Inuyasha usually fell off the face of the Earth over weekends (and this one had been no exception). Sure, he was goofy and really not my type, but he was nice and considerate, and he actually made the effort to spend time with me. Also, he was gentlemanly, and there were no expectations. It had been a fun, relaxed and low-key weekend. And, at least, with Hojo, I would never have to worry about getting my feelings stomped on like Inuyasha had for the past half a year.
I turned the key in the ignition, listening to high pitched whine of the engine in my little car as I pulled out of the parking lot of the apartment complex. I was dreading work. That's how this whole ordeal started, anyway, stupid job. Maybe if I did more than just work and actually went out and met people every once in awhile, I wouldn't have fallen for a coworker.
Who was I kidding? There was no way I could have resisted those amber eyes or that heart-rending smile. I melted every time I saw it. I had developed a crush immediately upon starting that shift. He only made it worse coming into my office and flirting all the time. And when he started complaining about how awful his girlfriend was and telling me how amazing he thought I was, how could I resist?
"You're such a sucker," I sneered at myself making an overly sharp left turn onto a winding back-road. I had been alone for so long, especially after moving to this nowhere town in the middle of the desert, it had felt good to connect with someone. And what a connection we had. We shared the same hobbies, loved the same movies, listened to the same music. It was like we had known each other our whole lives. I stood no chance.
When I fell, I fell hard and fast. Things moved along rather quickly. He started sneaking around behind his girlfriend's back, telling me all about his plans to leave her for me when the time was right and discussing plans to move into my new house with me after the lease in his apartment was up. Work was my favorite time of day, because I got to spend time with him. Everything was so perfect.
It got better when he left her the first time. He came over all the time. Played stupid board games with my idiot friends and I, for lack of anything better to do, watched movies, and spent the most amazing nights I'd ever had over at my house. He'd invite me to stay at his apartment, and I'd stay there until work, completely ecstatic that we were spending so much time together so easily and eagerly. And it went on like that, for two weeks of pure perfection. Then I got the phone call.
He was going back to her. He felt guilty about some thing or another, it didn't really matter to me. All I knew was that my heart had been ripped from my chest. All I could do was cry. I cried myself sick and didn't stop until the weekend was over, and I had to return to work.
I wasn't angry with him. When he asked me how I was doing, I was so excited that he stilled cared enough to check up on me. That first week was tense, but once he realized he wasn't in trouble, things went back to normal. We would sneak off during breaks for some alone time, and he would call me on his drive home from work. It wasn't quite what I wanted, but I would settle for it, for the time being.
Eventually, I started getting annoyed by the situation. I was tired of coming in second place to Kikyo, especially when all he did was complain about how miserable he was with her. When I told him I was done with the situation (I wasn't going to ask him to choose), he told me he was going to leave her again. I waited two weeks, and he did nothing. I tried ending things again, with the same result. Again, I waited. This time he actually kept his word, although it took him another week. He spent that weekend helping her move out of his apartment, and spent a day or two with me. The next weekend I didn't hear from him. He stopped visiting my office at work. He still called me after work, but didn't really talk. I figured he was recovering from the break up, but it continued like that for months.
I started to get depressed, but I was too afraid of losing him to say anything. So I did everything I could to make him happy. Bought lunch for him every day at work, sent him cute texts occasionally, told him how wonderful he was every evening when he would call me after work, but none of it mattered. The more I tried, the more withdrawn he became.
I finally broached the subject, and he sounded like it mattered to him. He even made an effort for a few days, but it didn't last. I started spending my weekends with other people, instead of waiting at home, all the while, planning on freeing myself from this situation, but every time I'd see him at work, I'd chicken out, forgive him, and go back to being completely selfless and caring toward him, enjoying every second of attention I received. For awhile I convinced myself that those moments, though few and far between, made all my suffering worth it. Eventually, I got tired of it again, we had more discussions, nothing changed.
I pulled into my driveway, checking for nearby neighbors, who would ask all kinds of nosy questions about my tear-stained face. When I was certain that I was clear, I headed into my house to change into my uniform. My mind was still focused on Inuyasha.
After months of waiting around and dealing with bullshit, I, Kagome Higurashi, ultimate doormat, had finally put my foot down. I quit handing out free chances and making excuses, and even though it hurt like a son of a bitch, I was proud of myself.
"Now let's hope my resolve lasts throughout the work day," I mumbled, pulling my hair back and making a disgusted face into the mirror. For the first time since I started my shift out at the helicopter hangar, I was dreading work.