Lord Voldielocks and Hair 2000.

Lord Voldemort was a complex evil doer. He dwelled on his plots and plans for killing Harry Potter. Such were his plans, he was annoying his faithful and somehow misguided Death Eaters, that Lucius Malfoy decided to treat the 'oh evil one' with a nice relaxing day out. Of course, Lucius Malfoy only knew two ways of relaxing and one of those included murdering and torturing muggles, the other, was the one he decided would suit the evil doer of Lord Voldemort best.

"My Lord," Lucius said in a low voice from beside the fire of Death Eater HQ. "I believe that you are ever so slightly stressed with the whole killing Potter situation and so i have booked you into Hair 2000 a very excellent Salon that guarantees total satisfaction..."

"Malfoy," Lord Voldemort spat irritatedly, "I have no hair!"

"Ah but my lord, my master, they do special wigs, custom made to your request, and they do facials and pedicures, make up and nails extensions..." Lucius reeled off a list of treatments which the salon offered.

"Please master, go to the appointment, for me, for us all, its our way of saying thank you for all you have done."

"Oh very well," Lord Voldemort snapped. "What time?"

"Today at twelve pm, be there or be square," Lucius smiled as he handed his master a small square appointment card with his details on it. With a flick of his long blond hair, Lucius left the room, not before popping his head back around the door. "Oh and my lord, i recommend you ask her the Paris Hilton wax and the Axel Rose wig, it would look splendid on you."

At exactly twelve o'clock that same day our Dark Lord pushed open a large blue framed glass plated door and entered Hair 2000. A tall blond headed girl with bright green eyes in a white shirt and trousers, greeted him at reception.

"Hello and welcome to Hair 2000, are you 'Oh Master Lord of evil and all?'" She asked.

"Umm, yes, yes i am he," Lord Voldemort said cautiously.

"Well, Welcome, My name is Lisa, and i shall be your Hairdresser today. Do you have any ideas of what you might like?" Lisa asked friendly taking in the bald head of Lord Voldemort.

"Um, a Paris Hilton wax?"

"Oh you, silly billy," Lisa laughed as she patted his arm.

"Do not touch me!" He snapped. " Do you know who i am? I am Lord Voldemort of all things great and evil!"

"Well Sir, follow me and we'll get you started," Lisa beamed not listening to him properly. "If you'd just take a seat here, and i will be back in a moment."

Lisa, guided Lord Voldemort to a black leather seat in front of a mirror and a lot of beauty products and hair accessories. Having left him alone for a second, she returned with a small pink trolley holding six slide out trays and a small collection of wigs. Smiling brightly, she deposited the wigs in front of the 'oldevilone.'

"Now, let's see if any of these catch your attention," She beamed and began t place a long dirty blond wig on to his bald head.

"And what if i don't want a wig?" He snapped.

"Oh don't be silly," Lisa laughed cheerfully. "Everybody wants hair!"

"Not everyone is a dumb blond," Lord Voldemort mumbled but Lisa did not hear him.

"Now, what do you think?" Lisa asked as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. "This is our Axel Rose wig, it looks ever so smashing on your head."

"You think?" He asked slightly taken aback, he began to finger a long golden blond in front of him. "Can i try this one one?"

"Of course," She smirked and picked up the wig which he had been playing with. "This is our Goldilocks wig."

"It's very nice, but just not evil enough," He sighed after Lisa had placed the wig upon his head. Stepping backwards she watched as he began to tilt his head in every direction.

Twenty minutes, eighteen discarded wigs two maybes and sixteen nos later, Lisa was beginning to lose her patience. In her left hand she held a pair of sharp silver scissors, her mind kept flicking to the option of cutting off Lord Voldemort's ear, but he had none, her eyes rolled over his face while her brain decided on what to cut off.

"Well what were you thinking?"

"I don't think! My Death Eaters think for me!" He spat.

"Listen, I've put up with your attitude long enough, stop acting like a big baby and make your mind up!" Lisa snapped and cut off his chin, or what was left of it.

"MY CHIN!" He roared and pulled out his wand, tapping the spot where his chin used to be, a new one grew. He turned to Lisa, and waved his wand wildly and angrily in the air.

"MY HAIR!" Lisa screamed as her blond hair turned snot green.

"Master!" Lucius cried as he pushed his way into the screaming fight. "Lower your wand master and count to ten."

"He's crazy!" Lisa sobbed dramatically as Lucius whacked her on the head with his wand, restoring her blond hair.

"Blondie cut off my chin!" Lord Voldemort wailed.

"You deserved it!"

"Enough!" Lucius roared. "Blondie, finish off his hair, then apologize. Master, sit still and let her di your wig."

"Grumble grumble grumble."

"Which wig do you want?" Lisa asked trying to calm herself down.

"Mumble mumble Blondie mumble mumble," He said pointing to the Goldilocks wig whilst Lucius watched on, ready to referee the pair. Lisa picked up the wig and attached it to Lord Voldemort's hair.

"Perhaps you could cut it?" Lucius suggested.

"No!" Lord Voldemort snapped. "Do not cut my new hair Blondie! Or else!"

"Well stop threatening me!" Lisa spat as she snipped off six inches of golden hair.

"Eeeyarrahhh!" Lord Voldemort screamed as the hair from his wig settled on his shoulders, the freshly cut hair fell from Lisa's hand. "What did you do that for?"

"My scissors slipped!"

"Let's all calm down again and count to ten," Lucius refereed thinking this was one of his worst ideas ever.

"Bet Blondie can't count," Lord Voldemort said childishly.

"Bet Voldielocks can't even kill a child!" She spat back.

"Ohhh!" Lucius cooed.

"Why is i had my..."

"-Mother, she would thank me!"

"Lucius kill her."

"No."

"What did you say?" Voldielocks asked in disbelief.

"I said no. Blondie is my personnel hairdresser," Lucius explained folding his arms across his chest, while Blondie stuck her tongue out.

"Fine!" Voldielocks sulked.

"How about i paint your nails? A nice red?" Blondie suggested and Voldielocks' eyes lit up with excitement.

"Blood red?"

"Yes."

"Will they be nice and shiny and evil looking?" He asked excitedly. "Oh and long, like claws?"

"Of course: She smiled and reached into the drawer third from the top of her trolley. Slowly, one by one she began to attach long acrylic false nails to his fingers and then slowly started to paint each one.

"You won't cut them will you?" He asked slightly scared as he admired his new nails.

"No," Blondie replied gently laying her hand on his arm. "You're all done Voldielocks."

"Thank you," Voldielocks replied gazing into her eyes. Quickly he fished inside of his robes and pulled out a small cared.

"What is this?" She asked as she led them to the door, Lucius walking ahead smirking.

"My phone number," He beamed.

"Oh, well, thank you. Now, how would you like to pay?" She smiled but both Lucius and Voldielocks were walking out of the door. "Um, Voldielocks you need to pay."

"I have, I'm allowing you to live, goodbye!"

And with that, the door shut with a snap behind them. Blondie stood still in amazement.