Reno grumbled weakly at the sun as it poured cold and unforgiving dawn through the slits in the tightly closed blinds that were supposed to be guarding him from the suns vicious assault against his half-drunk senses. He could remember falling asleep in his bed, yet he could clearly tell that this was his living room; his bedroom had blankets draped over the windows to keep out the ghastly light that was slicing into his retinas as he weakly tried to rouse himself. He hoped that the rest of the jumbled memories from the night before were as false as the one where he fell asleep in his bed, but he knew that, when he was drunk, if he could lay down on it and be warm his drunken-self thought that whatever he was on definitely had to be a bed. Considering his massive hangover, he was sure that most of his memories were real, not just drunken imaginings.
Reno sat up, frowning as a crusted over puddle of drool tried to stick his face to the couch, not letting him part with it without taking couch fibers with him. He hated drooling all over his couch. It made it weird to sit on it later. The light jabbed at his eyes and he groaned, pulling down his goggles and sighing in relief as the UV polarized lenses guarded his fragile eyes from the sun's wrath. All he needed to sober himself up was a quick pee and two to three pots of coffee laced with liquor. Peeing was first, as his bladder was sending urgent requests to his brain and he didn't want to stain his couch more than he already had.
Reno blinked as he stepped into his bathroom, trying to focus his bleary eyes on the man hugging his toilet bowl and snoring with all the musical clarity of ten thousand chainsaws slicing rotten fruit. A quick peek into the toilet bowl let him know that his friend had at least managed to flush before he had decided to French kiss his toilet seat. If Reno had had any desire to kiss the man the night before, he had lost it now as he watched the man's tongue loll out of his mouth as his snores echoed into the toilet bowl.
He nudged the sleeper with his foot, ready for the snoring to stop. "Yo, sleepin' beauty, wake up. I've gotta take a wiz."
The brunette jerked his head off the toilet and blinked, his eyes shaking as he worked too hard to make them focus. A few stammering yawns accompanied his slightly slurred speech. "W-whys it d-dark?"
"My hangover wouldn't let me turn 'em on, yo. I'll get 'em." Reno closed his eyes and flicked the switch on quickly.
The brunette groaned and scrubbed at his face with his hands. "My hangover says turn 'em off!"
Reno obliged happily and poked at the brunette, trying to urge him away from the toilet he desperately needed to use. "Kunsel, I gotta pee!" It had taken him a moment to remember who he had brought home with him, but he was sure that Kunsel was just as taken aback by whose house he was in as Reno was. Reno had expected to be taken home, not to take someone home.
Kunsel stood and batted Reno's hand away. "Stop pokin'! I'm up!" He walked to the door and let Reno have uninterrupted access to the toilet, his voice clearer now that he had peeled his mouth off the toilet. "Hey, can my hangover make some super strong coffee while yours pisses?"
Reno nodded and unzipped, letting out a sigh as three pints of booze flooded from his system. "Yeah, just wash the toilet off your face and hands. My hangover might be an ass but he doesn't want either of us getting sick."
"Thanks." Kunsel staggered out of the bathroom, leaving Reno to bond with his porcelain throne.
A few minutes later, Reno emerged from his war room victorious. His head spun less now that he had scrubbed his face clean and tugged off his strangely tight goggles. He must have adjusted them while he was drunk because now they were far too snug on his head. He was too hung-over to adjust them now, but he would get to it before he left for work. He tossed them on his couch as he passed through the living room, blinking as he realized that it was dark despite his window's lack of proper sun protection. He looked over and smiled; Kunsel was so nice to his hangover. A think blanket that had been draped over the back of the couch now found itself draped over the window, blocking out the worst of the light that struggled to break through the fiber's tight constrains to get to Reno's bloodshot eyes.
The delicious smell of fresh coffee grounds being boiled through reached his nose and his stomach flip-flopped; Reno was so in love with his coffee. When he drank it, it gave him the euphoric sense that the world was as it should be and that any minute a hot blonde with ten million dollars and an urge to splurge on him would walk through the door. Reno took a seat at his bar styled counter and yelped, standing abruptly. "Ow! What the hell!" His seat was a smooth as ever, so he figured the pain must be inherent to his backside. "Did I get gang banged or something, Kunsel?"
"Nah, but you did get manhandled by more than one SOLDIER boy last night. Zack probably left the bruises on your ass. You did moon him more than once so I'm pretty sure you were asking for it." Kunsel leaned beside the coffee pot with his head on the counter, his hair fluffy and soft looking as he watched each drip of black gold drop into the pot of coffee.
"That sounds about right." Reno grinned, suddenly remembering how many times he had decided to tell Zack to kiss his ass in the most impolite way he could think of. Zack had been an asshole all night because Cloud hadn't shown up. Reno could understand why the blonde had bailed; when he showed up things got a little tense because Cloud didn't like to talk to him a lot and drunk Reno wanted everyone to talk to him. Drunk Reno had no boundaries, but sober Reno always brought Cloud a thermos of his coffee in the morning if he remembered being too big an asshole. He would probably have to bring an entire gallon full of his special brew to the office to make amends to all the co-workers he undoubtedly pissed off the night before. He snatched a cushion from the couch and brought it to the chair, sitting on it to keep himself from feeling the large bruises across his tender ass. "It feels like I got man-handled by a gorilla."
"Gorillas have bigger hands than Zack, but I'm not surprised you hurt. He wasn't exactly gentle." Kunsel yawned and watched the coffee, his eyes as bloodshot as Reno's.
"So did you get any good pictures of it?" Reno watched Kunsel, knowing that the brunette had been snapping pictures all night long.
Kunsel grinned and dragged his phone out of his pocket. "Oh yeah, I got some good ones. It was pretty awesome, you mauled Sephiroth with love and he didn't seem to upset about returning the favor. That might be more reason for your ass pain."
Reno pouted. He didn't remember that part. "I got to grope on Sephiroth? Damn! That was totally worth remembering but I can't!"
"If you see the picture maybe you'll-" Kunsel paused and stared at his phone. "This isn't my phone…" He quickly opened it and then stood, color draining from his already pale face. "Aww, shit! This is Genesis' phone! That means that that picture it all over Gaia by now!"
Reno shrugged and tugged two coffee mugs out of the cupboard over his coffee pot. "Don't stress, it wouldn't be the first picture of me being a tool or whore that got onto the internet."
"That wasn't the picture I was talking about." Kunsel blushed and sat, burying his face in his palms.
"What picture then?" Reno poured out coffee and passed it over to Kunsel.
"Well…." Kunsel looked at Reno with wide, begging eyes. "Please promise you won't tell first?"
"If it's on the internet, Kunsel, I won't have to." Reno chuckled and dosed his coffee with mild liquor, adding a few gulps to Kunsel's mug as well.
"Oh, right." Kunsel sighed and set his head on the counter. "Well, last night I sort've hooked up with Genesis for like twenty minutes and I gave him my phone so he'd take a picture of me giving him a blowjob and I guess I never took my phone back and he's probably pissed because I was so wasted that I wasn't any good."
"Well, that sucks. Text him and tell him if he posts it on the internet you'll send his embarrassing phone photos to his parents." Reno sucked down his coffee eagerly, basking in the burning goodness that scalded the back of his throat.
"But what if he doesn't have embarrassing phone pictures?" Kunsel raised an eyebrow, the thin brown strip of hair disappearing behind his thin bangs.
"Oh, trust me, he does. I'm in more than one of them." Reno grinned and took the phone, opening it and showing Kunsel the pictures Genesis had stockpiled over the past year he had had the phone. "Genesis takes a picture of every cock he puts in his mouth and since anybody he screws ends up putting a cock in his mouth he's got more than one gay as fuck picture in here. Considering that his mom doesn't know he's gay it's a big enough threat to win you your privacy."
Kunsel gaped at the photos, taken aback. "So, you and Genesis?"
"For more than twenty minutes." Reno chuckled and doled out more coffee, generously topping off Kunsel's untouched mug with more liquor.
"How often?" Kunsel asked, not seeming to realize that the information might be private.
"Enough to make me a recurring subject of his photos." Reno shut the phone as Kunsel started going through the pictures. "Just text him saying you want the picture kept confidential and if it isn't you'll send his mom picture number five. That's all you've gotta say."
"You're sure?" Kunsel blinked, re-opening the phone to peek at picture five. He quickly blushed and exited the photo folder as he caught a glimpse of picture five. "Okay, I'll text him."
Reno smiled and sipped his coffee. "Don't worry, by the way; your secret life as a cum-slut is safe with me."
Kunsel flushed and muttered grumpily as he waited on a reply to his text message, sipping his coffee. "You're one to talk. You're the biggest cum-slut ever."
"You say that after seeing the pictures Genesis has?" Reno raised an eyebrow and cradled his coffee, his brain firing on all cylinders now that he was fueled with caffeine.
"Nevermind. He wins. You're second place." Kunsel blushed and sipped at his coffee, blowing across the top to cool it off.
"I could tell you things about some of the other SOLDIER boys you hang out with that would make you want to stop talking to anyone and hide in your emo corner." Reno chuckled softly. He had been around the block more than once and he had more dirt in his grasp than a hill gigas.
"Please, don't." Kunsel smiled and began delving into a text war with Genesis, sipping at his coffee slowly.
Reno watched, putting more coffee in the maker as their supply started running low. Kunsel was alternating between a frown and a blush, letting him know just how personally Genesis was taking the threat he had suggested. He also knew that within minutes of knowing where Kunsel was he would be at his door and trading phones. Reno knew exactly which button Genesis needed to have pushed in order to get the bossy drama queen to relent and do what he was told. In order to smooth over the phone-swap aftermath Reno would have to bribe him with more than coffee.
Kunsel looked at Reno after a few minutes. "Mind if he comes here to exchange phones?"
"Nah, that doesn't bother me." Reno smiled and sipped his coffee, wishing he had an IV of it connected directly to his wrist. It would make things much easier on him.
"You sure?" Kunsel sipped at his coffee, wrinkling his nose at the large amount of liquor Reno had kept refilling it with. "Ew! This is more booze that coffee now!"
Reno chuckled and added coffee to Kunsel's mug. "Sorry. I'm sure, by the way. Why would I care?"
"It would mean owning up to the fact that you brought me home with you." Kunsel blushed and turned his attention back to the phone.
Reno raised an eyebrow and gave Kunsel a once over. The brunette was a second class SOLDIER and had amazingly fluffy hair and a cute face, why wouldn't Reno want to brag that he had brought him home? He hadn't pegged Kunsel as the low self-esteem type, but he supposed there were more than protective reasons behind the helmet Kunsel was almost constantly trying to hide his face with.
Reno smiled and set a hand on Kunsel's shoulder. "Kunsel, you're not a ten, but you're definitely hot enough for me to want to brag that I brought you home with me. Kay? Don't get so down on yourself."
Kunsel blushed and smiled appreciatively at Reno. "Thanks, Reno."
"No problem. I'm like heroin, always there to give you a boost when you need it, even if it's an illegal one." Reno smiled and chugged more coffee. If he kept his pace up he'd be peeing for the next month.
Kunsel laughed. "Genesis is on his way over. He says he's surprised you let a snoop like me invade your apartment."
"I haven't exactly got any secrets, yo." Reno shrugged and stretched, noting a few places where his muscles seemed a little sorer than normal. Perhaps he had unwittingly tried to be more limber with Sephiroth and Zack than his body permitted.
"Oh really? None?" Kunsel blinked.
"Well, not any that Shinra doesn't force me to keep. Outside the classified stuff I'm an open book." Reno cracked his knuckles, enjoying the sensation that made it sound like he was firing off a machine gun inside his bones.
"You don't think I could find anything about you that you wouldn't want anyone to know?" Kunsel turned towards Reno, a daring glint in his eye that Reno didn't particularly like.
"No, I don't." Reno faced Kunsel, knowing that he was getting the same glint in his eye. It was the glint that signaled wounded pride and the urge to participate in a challenge that would prove one of them right.
"Wanna bet on it?" Kunsel grinned, knowing that tangling with a Turk was utterly stupid, especially when it came to mind games.
Reno grinned. "You're speaking my language now, snoop. It's a bet. You find something about me that I wouldn't want people to know in the next two months and I'll buy you dinner."
"You're giving me two months? You think it'll take that long? How insulting!" Kunsel laughed and ran his fingers through his hair. "If I do it in a month you owe me a damn good dinner and you have to make it!"
"Those two things will never ever go together, Kunsel. I can't cook." Reno laughed. Kunsel really didn't know a lot about him.
"Victory will sweeten the taste." Kunsel grinned. If Reno couldn't cook the way he claimed he couldn't make coffee then he would be willing to eat anything that came out of the red-head's oven. Reno's coffee was ambrosia.
"Alright, smart-mouth. It's a bet. You find some dirt on me in a month and I'll make you dinner. You don't find any and I get blackmail and you have to make dinner for me." Reno grinned and slurped down coffee, enjoying the frown that crossed Kunsel's face.
"I can't cook either!" Kunsel frowned. The last time he had attempted to bake he had made his cookies into a lot of strange spongy substances that had given him three days of a very upset stomach.
"Victory will sweeten the taste." Reno mocked, offering Kunsel his hand. "Shake on it!"
Kunsel took Reno's hand and shook, grinning. "Alright, it's a deal!"
A pounding on the door invaded their camaraderie and Reno stood to answer the door, knowing that if Kunsel did it he'd most likely get greeted by a fist to the gut. "Hey, Genesis."
"I want my phone, snitch!" Genesis frowned and marched towards Kunsel, not paying Reno's greeting any merit. Reno loved it when Genesis was angry, it was adorable to see his forehead scrunch up like it was now.
Kunsel shot up from his stood and backed around the counter, knocking his seat over on the way. "I want mine too! You better not have sent anything to anyone!"
"I didn't send a damn thing! You forget my cock is in that picture! I don't want it all over the internet! It's sacred!" Genesis frowned and tossed Kunsel's phone onto the counter top.
Kunsel snatched up his phone and tossed Genesis' back to him. "Don't hurt me when I leave okay?"
"No promises!" Genesis tucked his phone into his pocket and rounded on Reno. "You're in trouble too!"
"See ya, Kunsel!" Reno saluted Kunsel with a smirk. "Don't forget your jacket." He pointed to a thin black jacket on the back of his recliner.
"That's not my jacket." Kunsel blinked as he edged around the table to get around Genesis.
"It's not?" Reno raised an eyebrow and scratched his head, ignoring the heated glare Genesis was giving him.
"Nope. See ya!" Kunsel grabbed his shoes off the floor and high tailed it out of the apartment. To him there was nothing more frightening than an angry first class SOLDIER; especially when that SOLDIER has a temper as vicious as Genesis' was.
Reno blinked at the jacket. "Whose jacket is this?"
"You're dodging the subject!" Genesis frowned and set his hands on his hips. "Only you and Angeal knew about picture five and only you would even think of sending it to my mother as blackmail!"
"Yeah, yeah, I told the kid what to text. Ease up, I think I stole a designer jacket last night and if you're nice I'll give it to you." Reno looked the jacket over, not sure where it came from, but falling in love with it as he examined it. It was definitely top of the line in quality.
Genesis looked at it with a frown. "It's Lazard's, now pay attention to me!"
"I stole off Lazard?" Reno raised an eyebrow, suddenly not as in love with the jacket anymore.
"No, Lazard lent it to Sephiroth and you stole it off him." Genesis frowned.
"Lazard is doting on Sephiroth?" Reno blinked, in love with the jacket again now that he knew he had nabbed it off of Sephiroth and that it would be easy to right his wrongdoing and save his skin.
"Lazard is always doting on Sephiroth! They're off and on, just like we are." Genesis frowned and poked Reno in the shoulder. "You're still not paying attention to me!"
"Yes I am! You said Lazard is doting on Sephiroth." Reno smiled and set the jacket down, grabbing Genesis' poking finger and nipping it softly.
Genesis frowned softly and pulled his hand back. "You're in trouble! No biting!"
"I didn't bite, I nipped and you practically begged for it you've been shoving it in my face for five minutes. I could only assume you wanted me to nibble on you. You usually like it." Reno tossed the jacket back over the chair. He wondered why Lazard would lend Sephiroth a jacket, especially when the jacket was so obviously the wrong size for Sephiroth. Maybe Lazard had been drunk too? Oh well, it didn't have to make sense he just knew that it had happened and he would have to reverse the jacket theft.
"Well I don't like it when I'm mad!" Genesis folded his arms over his chest and fixed Reno with a glare.
Reno smiled and gently tugged Genesis to him. "Any reason you're getting super pissed over a silly little threat? Do you really think I would've let Kunsel send that to your mom?"
"Yes." Genesis frowned.
"Well, yeah you're probably right, but I at least didn't tell him about picture twenty-three." Reno grinned.
"Don't even mention that one. Actually, just stop talking altogether. It's just going to get you into more trouble." Genesis frowned and pushed Reno away. "Bring me coffee at lunch and maybe I'll like you again."
Reno shrugged. "I'll be out of coffee by then. Everyone is going to need some after last night. From what Kunsel said a lot of people got a peek at my ass in a not so nice way last night. Plus I've got to apologize to Sephiroth and return he jacket so he and Lazard don't kill me."
"Well stop being such a tool and you'll have more coffee for me." Genesis rolled his eyes and went to the door. "I'm heading off to work. There's a meeting this morning and I actually don't want to miss it. After a night like last night watching Sephiroth and Lazard be pissed at each other from across the table is interesting."
"Have fun. I'll probably show up in an hour or so." Reno stretched and yawned.
"I hate how you Turks make your own hours." Genesis frowned, his nose wrinkling softly.
"We don't, Tseng just knows better than to schedule me any time before ten in the morning on Mondays. It took a few years but he's finally relented on that." Reno flopped on his couch and stretched out. "Sure you don't wanna stay?"
"I'm very sure I don't want to stay. I want you to be very apologetic later too. Technically we're on in our relationship right now and you cheated." Genesis frowned.
Reno laughed. "I didn't get any blowjobs last night, sir judge-a-lot." Reno chuckled and made himself comfortable.
"Actually, considering that we called weekend days our off days, as of midnight last night you were cheating. Since what I did was at eleven, I didn't cheat." Genesis grinned smugly at his logic.
"Whatever. I'll apologize appropriately all over your desk. Make sure you finish off any actual work you need to do by noon unless you want coffee and spunk all over the papers." Reno yawned and pulled an extra couch cushion over his eyes.
"We'll see." Genesis slammed the door shut and stalked off.
Reno yawned and held his cushion over the top half of his head, knowing that he still had to take a shower and still had to make about four gallons of apology coffee, but he could always shower right before work and show up late and he could just take a bag of grounds to the office and make the coffee there. It would really be no big deal. He just hoped that Sephiroth wouldn't kill him for the jacket, assuming it was Sephiroth he had stolen the jacket off of. He really didn't remember. Besides, since when did Sephiroth wear clothes that small? Well, not small, per se, but definitely not Sephiroth sized.
Reno yawned and started to doze off; extending the last few moments of his brain power to dwell on what secrets Kunsel could possibly spy out of him. He really didn't have any secrets, but the ones he did have would be ones that Kunsel had better not let slip, if he did Reno might cook cyanide pancakes for Kunsel's victory dinner.
Author's Note: Well, tell me what you think! I haven't been writing in a while, mostly because of college finals, but over the next few weeks I'll make it my personal mission to update like a mad woman!