Slayers: The Magical Dances
By DevilsArcadia777
Story: Hard times have fallen throughout the Old World and on our intrepid heroes. With all of them strapped for cash, valuables, and any hopes for a job, Lina and friends come face to face with an interesting fellow, giving them all an offer they can't(?) refuse: strip for money.
Hilarity (and drama) ensues.
Rating: T
Disclaimer: The Slayers franchise belongs to Hajime Kanzaka, Rui Araizumi, TV Tokyo, etc. etc. etc….the list goes on forever…
Hey! Don't be repulsed! This is purely for laughs. Given that I'm in a better mood, I felt that I needed to put "Break" on hold. This story will have plenty of drama to compliment also, but the angst dial is turned down this time.
This story will be told from varying perspectives, with each one changing every chapter. Given the nature of what's to come, the cast will go out-of-character at times.
This is set after both the fifth anime season and the last novel. Imagine that the rest of the books came after E-R, if you can.
ONE: Beware of the Heroes that Don't Do Anything (by Lina)
Morning, somewhere between the boarders of Ralteague and Saillune
Greetings, dear readers! If you have been following me up to this point, congratulations! You now possess, in the back of your mind, the greatest five years of history and the most epic tale ever written on paper! Who better to give you this honor than me, the beautiful and almighty sorceress Lina Inverse? Surely you, the reader, have never experienced such an honor before? It's not every day that a girl at the tender age of fifteen starts on a hunt for treasure and winds up smack dab in the middle of an ugly mess involving a psychotic priest, a magical stone that looked like a piece of coal, and the living embodiment of evil and despair appearing, hell-bent to destroy the world. As if that wasn't enough, well…it's a long story. A really, really, long story. But you obviously knew that, right? An epic story, truly for the books, woven by me.
Okay, I had some help.
Or a lot of help. From my five dear underlings (two whom are no longer with us, sadly). Or friends. Whatever.
Stop looking at me like that.
So, what more could possibly happen to us?
Given that the four of us have offed the Dark Lord twice, and Gourry and I alone have recently offed him a third time, I'm pretty sure that there's more to come…
But I digress.
It was a picturesque day, perfect for traveling on the road. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Gourry has a rash, Amelia's on her time of the month, and Zel is currently suffering from a severe bout of diarrhea.
Hey! Don't be repulsed! It's just that shit happens when you stay in the woods a few days too long.
All right, given that I've been on the road since I was a tender thirteen, you figure that I should know what kinds of places in a forest that I shouldn't stay in. It's common knowledge that no one should eat the pretty little toxic berries that grow on the bushes, or that long ivy vines are poison ivy, or that eating the wrong seeds and roots can make you endlessly poo - ahh, sorry, bad image. Even I make mistakes, and because I know that I made them, I was able to survive our little bout in that particular forest of God-knows-what without any side effects. Too bad I can't say the same for my friends…
Hey, I'm not that cruel!
Besides, it doesn't help that we only stayed there because we have absolutely no money. Damn you Amelia, for accidentally forgetting to take the insignia of Saillune with you…
Pushing, pushing, pushing…
Yes, I probably left a sizable dent in the Saillune Royal Family's funds. There, happy now?
Anyway, it seems that Zelgadis, my chimeric companion, mixed with traits from a golem and a brau demon and once forced into berserker-slavery by his own great-grandfather – yep, definitely living the dream, that one – has actually obtained a legitimate lead for transforming his body. Lucky for him, old Rezo was wrong about reversing his transformation being a pipe dream. There's an old Holy Magic spell involved, and there might be some medical trickery necessary since chimeric transformations are so intricate. It's like the golem and the demon parts are mixed into those little things in his blood called blood cells and the like, understand? It's actually made him a bit more upbeat. He happened to stumble across Gourry and I, with the two of us having just returned from our short stay in Zephilia, my dear home kingdom.
That, my friends, is a story for another day. Press me on what happened, and I'll go berserk.
Amelia came to us shortly after, having just completed a diplomacy meeting on the coast with the Alliance of the Coastal States. Those there are a bunch of smaller kingdoms, duchies, and republics on the west coast of the continent that have united under one parliament system. The Taforashia Kingdom is among them, and it's doing quite well now.
Due to being fabulously broke, there was no way we could stay at an inn, so we decided to bond and rest in the forest, making Saillune Kingdom our destination. It seems that Zel kept his ties to Phil and the rest of the Royal Family and wants to ask the clergy there for assistance for the magical part of his cure. He told me that someone from the Outer World would need to do the medical stuff.
Whatever. But really, I'm glad for him. I think that there's real hope for him this time.
Amelia seemed happy too. Is it just my imagination, or does she seem…flustered around him at times? I've seen her blushing around him before, actually. Oh well.
It's been about a month and a half, and, quite frankly, we're all a little pissed off right now.
There I am, standing there patiently and holding my delicate little nose as Zel is spilling the bilges in a nearby bush. Poor Gourry's passed out from the stench, Amelia's keeled over from cramps, and I've chosen to keep tabs on how many times Zel swore during his, erm, "session."
"Er, are you done yet Zel?" I asked delicately. From the high bush behind me, a pair of icy violet eyes shot in my direction, filled with more bloodlust than any bandit I've ever encountered. It was violent enough to make my spine tingle. I'd be even more terrified if it weren't for the obscene noises his…derriere…was making.
"Does…it…look…like…I'm…done…to…you…!" His punctured voice made me jump. All of a sudden, a louder sound came from him, and he cringed from pain.
"Aw, Fuuuck!"
That's the forty-seventh time he said that.
Keep in mind that White Magic won't help him, only some good old-fashioned herbs can, and we have none. Healing magic was all well and good, but using them on a wound that's possibly infected or really dirty might make the infection worse. The crap (a bad pun, I know) that Zel's going through right now is considered to be an infection, and I do not want to think what would happen if we used magic on him…
"Fucking hell!"
Forty-eight.
"Mister Zelgadis, will you please stop cursing?" Amelia, now out of her bout of pain, pleaded weakly. I know that a woman's monthly issues aren't caused by sleeping in the woods, but getting them in them can suck. Trust me, it's happened to me once. That was when I met Zel, and you probably know the rest. Thankfully, Amelia doesn't get the bad mood swings, but her period instead consisted of terrible cramps. There was one time during our trip to the Outer World that she was stuck with Zel, and she was hurting bad. Poor guy was redder than a cherry.
"And why should I, Amelia? Taking a massive shit in a bush for days isn't exactly my cup of tea."
Fifty-six uses of "shit" and rising.
"Ahh, sorry…"
"You should be!"
Another fifteen minutes later, Zel was finally done, and we kept on moving until Gourry spotted a lake nearby. If it were not for Zel's little problem, we'd be eating breakfast. Better late than never!
"And now that Zel's problem down south is done, let's fish!" I shouted as I grabbed a fish line from my mantle. I was able to make a speedy getaway before Zelgadis could strangle me, and with a worm from the earth and a flick of my wrist, the hunt for breakfast began.
"Gourry, can you be a dear and make a fire for us?" I asked ever-so-sweetly. Gourry timidly shuffled his foot and frowned.
"Uh, Gourry?"
"Lina…you do realize that we're in an open field, right?" He scratched between his thighs as discreetly as he could, much to Amelia's embarrassment.
I gazed at our surroundings. Nothing. Nothing but grass for miles around. Not a twig in sight. This charming little field was so empty that I could actually hear my own head pounding in anger. Damn you, Gourry. Damn you and your freakishly sharp observation skills. He could probably put a researcher to shame if he knew more about knowledge-y stuff. It didn't help that he had a rash between his legs. I mean, ew. Seriously.
"So much for fish," Zelgadis sighed. "There's no fruit trees or bushes nearby, not unless you count those poisonous berries in the woods."
"I don't' see any animals either," said Gourry. In response, his stomach grumbled. "Aww…" He then twitched, shoved his hands down his pants, and began scratching the rash faster. Amelia squealed and covered her eyes.
Gourry, that's nasty! Thinking about his rash is making ME itch. I think I need a hot bath now…a scalding hot bath…
"Gourry, you're acting obscene!" Zelgadis shouted, turning a frightened Amelia away. She looked like a danger-prone kitten, complete with mewing sounds and blobby big eyes.
"No more than you've been!" Gourry retorted. The moment he spoke, I heard Zel's stomach gurgle again. He's probably one of the smartest men I know, but his luck is outright abysmal. Go figure.
"Augh, shit!" With that, he ran back to his beloved bush, dropped his pants, and went off.
I would really hate to be that bush right now.
Amelia, now recovered from seeing Gourry's rash from Hell, sighed sadly. "I think we should move on, guys." I turned around to see her holding a slew of puffer fish that my fishing rod caught. Meep. "Besides, it's not as if we can eat these things!"
So it seems that the sole food source in this area is a school of poisonous fish. I think I'd rather suck face with a fish man; at least I won't die a slow and painful death. I think. Hopefully.
Desperate, I softened my face, attempting to conceal my rage. I took a worm from the ground, slowly put it in my mouth, and promptly projected it out. See how desperate we are?
Well, it can't get much worse, right?
Dirt. Our open field was even emptier now. Nothing but dirt.
This was supposed to be a meeting place for street merchants too, since we aren't too far from Saillune. I could've sworn that I saw a tumbleweed trotting down the road mocking us.
Cue the ominous clouds of doom, please.
Poor Amelia looked like she was about to cry, her face deformed and her eyes loaded with tears. "Oh no, it's worse than I thought…"
"What is?" I inquired.
Amelia looked as though a boulder crushed her, and I can assume that's probably how she was feeling. "This was why I went to the Costal States…the merchants from Ralteague that are normally here can't afford to go out here anymore. No one's buying, and the prices for things like silk and metal are going up." She sobbed a wee bit on the melodramatic side. "The parliament of the Costal States is in bad debt right now, and I went there to oversee an agreement involving Saillune and Elmekia helping out. Ralteague's in trouble, Kalmaart and Dils are too, and now if Saillune keeps overexerting its fortune, it might…waaah!" Amelia burst into tears. "I've never dealt with a recession before! I'm scared…"
I immediately shrunk back, with the ever-hated guilt sinking into my bones for frequently abusing Saillune's funds. Hey, I apologized before, right? And Amelia wasn't like other princess consorts, last time I checked. Knowing a man like Prince Phillionel, he wouldn't have her and Gracia (not that I knew her personally, mind) stand idly by with pretty dresses and a conspicuous lack of brains. I do give her credit for averting those, even if her ideals are a bit on the loopy side.
"If this keeps up, more merchants will close up shop, so that means no sales and no jobs for anyone," Amelia sighed. "Believe it or not, not a single assassin came after Daddy and I this time. I think that there are fewer mercenary jobs being offered too…"
A look of horror crossed Gourry's face. "N-n-n-n-n-n-no more m-m-m-m-m-mercenary jobs!" An equally as terrified Zel clung to him, and together they melted away in despair. I'm not feeling good about this either, but what's up with men and their machismo with being a mercenary? I can only assume that mercenary equals manly while soldier equals wuss, or something equally as stupid. Poor them. It's as if someone kicked them in the balls.
But damn Amelia, now I feel even worse. A small group of travelers equals potential mercenaries, and mercenaries equals we need to ask people for money. Mercenaries plus a life on the road equals high prices. If Amelia's correct, then I'd say that we're horribly screwed.
Then like that, a little white rabbit hopped along the path. Lucky! Cue the angels, would ya?
"Oh my God, food! Food!" Gourry shouted.
"At last…" like a good, sinister anti-hero, Zelgadis unsheathed his blade, quietly stalking the poor lagomorph.
CRACK!
Okay, this sucks…I had to bite my lip to not burst out laughing. Zel's sword broke for no reason. None at all. It looks like it just blew up because it felt like pissing him off today, or because he had the craps. Either way, he was steaming.
"YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" He threw the broken blade on the ground and stomped his foot like a child. I almost lost it when he broke out into a temper tantrum. "It's not fair! IT'S! NOT! FAIR!"
Wow.
"I shall avenge you, Zelgadis!" Like a complete moron, Gourry drew the Blast Sword and began charging the rabbit. I realized then that Gourry had no idea about the fact that rabbits were skittish little bastards, but then again, the man was a mercenary, so anything imposing him, whether it be Shabranigdo, Bandit McDumbass, or a cockroach, was asking for a death match.
"Haa! Take this!" He sneered as he stupidly threw his blade at the rabbit like a knife. He missed. Epically.
"Huh!"
And then I nearly fell over in disbelief. The rabbit began eating, eating, the damn thing! I don't believe it! I haven't been smoking leaves last time I checked. A damn rabbit is eating a magical sword…
What a world we live in.
"No! Stop! Damn you!" Gourry began to sob as he snatched the blade away from the rabbit. The little bastard grinned and hopped off into the distance, only to be crushed by a falling tree seconds later. Splat.
"My Blast Sword…my beloved Blast Sword…it looks terrible!" He gawked at the teeth marks the rabbit left behind. It was Zel and Amelia's turn to laugh.
It's times like these that I wish the jellyfish knew magic.
Every human in the world can at least cast a lighting spell, so surely he could, right?
Right?
Another tumbleweed blew through. I think that the Lord of Nightmares is laughing at us. I hate you, you crazy lady! I screamed in my head as we continued our journey.
Outside the Kingdom of Saillune
The prosperous Holy Kingdom of Saillune, a land of marble and gems, of merchants and magic, of gaiety and merriment and justice. Saillune, where White Magic rules supreme. Saillune, home of one of the greatest and outright cutthroat royal families in existence.
Saillune, which now looks as though a damn hurricane went through it, destroying the gates that lead inside. Even with magic it would be tough to clear out all of the rubble, which, mind you, ranged from rocks to trees to a giant cow that looked like it was tossed by a tornado of doom.
Seriously, what is going on today?
Wordlessly, Gourry and Zel began to remove the heavier rubble, while Amelia, saintly as she was, saved the critters trapped by the gate. There isn't a better cliche that I can think of than of than the slew of sparrows that flock around the darling ingenue, because that's what was happening to Amelia at the moment. Now all that she needed was to sing.
"Laaa...la-la-la-laaa...la la la la laa, la la laaaaa..."
Speak of the devil...
None of us had spoken a word. Silence is golden, I suppose. Gourry wasn't itching and Zel -
"Oh, god dammit!"
- never mind.
Right about time that the workload was winding down, I heard a snapping sound and a wail of pain. I rushed over to find Gourry with a small boulder over his leg. Yikes.
"Gourry!" Together Amelia and I moved the thing off. Oogh, yikes. Blood was oozing from his leg, and I could see some of the broken bones through the skin. A Recovery spell was on my lips, and it wasn't much, but I was able to at least fix the lacerations and a few bones. Hey, I'm not a shrine maiden, cut me some slack. But now there's a new problem: how can we get Gourry on the other side? He's the tallest of the group and quite heavy; I'd imagine he'd be heavier than Zel if the latter was a regular human being.
"Linaaa, it still huuurrrts..." Gourry whined as Amelia and I propped him up. "Can't you use a better spell?"
"Hey, I don't know Resurrection, Jellyfish."
"But what about Amelia?"
"Mister Gourry, I can't! It's...that time of the month..." She blushed and looked away.
"That time of the month, eh?" Gourry's eyes looked upward, as if he were pondering. "Wait, isn't that...the really special thing?"
WHACK!
Nailed 'em in the groin. Gourry, you're probably the only man who's ever made my heart flutter, but seriously, you're so dense.
"Lina, Lina, Lina, why are you so sadistic?" An ailing Zelgadis emerged from the bushes, brushing some dirt off of the back of his tunic.
"Oh, you're one to talk."
Zelgadis grunted and turned away.
Amelia smiled softly and suggested, "Miss Lina, I think that the only way we can get around now without dragging Mister Gourry in the dirt is to ask for a cart ride. Even with this part of the kingdom being worn down, I'm sure that someone will pass by." I wrinkled my nose and sighed.
"It's barren, Amelia. Let's drag him." Sorry Gourry. I feel bad about it, but given that we're being laughed at by she-who-I-recently-mentioned-and-will-not-name-again, there's no other choice. I grabbed his long yellow locks and began to drag him through the dirt, being persistent as he flailed and got dirt up his nose. Hard to believe that someone with delicate feet and willowy arms could drag a muscular man, huh?
"Miss Lina!"
I spun around, accidentally kicking Gourry's head. As a sizable bump grew, Amelia was flailing her arms about, calling out to a wandering horse-drawn cart full of hay. I tossed my swordsman companion aside and tossed a sizable fireball toward the cart as a signal. He snapped the reins and dashed off. Guess I sent the wrong message.
"Miss Lina, you could've killed that innocent man!" Amelia squealed. I sighed.
"Why didn't you just walk up to him, Amelia?" It makes sense, right?
"I...didn't want to get run over..."
"Hmm..."
Since Gourry was hurting, and Zel was letting loose again (with his use of "shit" rising up to sixty), Amelia and I took it upon ourselves to attract a driver. Since we were so desperate, I wasn't all that fazed by a goblin driver who had a sack of women's bloomers waving in the wind on a pole. Probably should've been, but hey, what can you do? Unfortunately, calling out wasn't working.
Heeere, cart cart cart...
Heeeeeeere, cart cart cart cart...
HEEERE, STUPID #$%& TURD! GET OVER HERE!
Nothing. Ugh.
Unless...oh!
A grand and insane plan was brewing in my mind...something that would definitely bring me a driver. And my friends will hate me for it, but as a dumb blonde swordsman once said, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Or woman. Or men who dress as women. Or...oh, forget it.
"Amelia..." I whispered menacingly. She turned to me, and seeing my deliciously menacing smile, she yipped.
"M-M-M-Miss Lina? You're making that face again, and I don't like it..."
Okay, let's set this straight. You all know now that my chest is like a washboard, while my princess companion has a set as big as a pair of melons, right? And yet, no man will give me, peaches and cream skin and willowy figure and all, the time of day. My princess friend has a much more appealing figure than I. No matter what may be, I will envy her for it. As time passed, I realized that my princess friend was more the modest type - in swimwear or in certain outfits, she'd hunch over for a while before opening up. During our trip on the cruise liner with Pokota, there was a pool built in we could use. I made her wear a white two piece, and she shrunk in like a turtle in its shell for a while. She was pink in the face, and now that I recall, I think that Zel was, too. I think that she needs...a confidence booster. Let's call it that. Eh heh heh...
Please, we're desperate. Don't hate me for this.
"Stand still, Amelia." In the blink of an eye, I sped behind her. Seeing a man driving a full blown stagecoach approaching, I clamped a hold on Amelia and ripped off her belt.
"Miss Lina-!"
From the corner of my eye, I saw Zel and Gourry come to me. Oh, dear God. Zel rubbed his eye in confusion. "Lina, what are you-"
Fluuufp!
"Hey, mister!" I shouted as I yanked Amelia's shirt up. With great force, I could see her breasts pop out from beneath the fabric, complete with her screaming. Zelgadis' eyes popped from his sockets as his face blazed into a deep crimson.
"Holy shit!"
"MISS LINAAA?"
The stagecoach came up to us. In order, he glanced at us, saw Amelia's breasts, popped his eyes out of his socket, and screamed. "Oh my Gaw-"
CRASH!
The intrepid driver crashed right into the ravine, eyes still bulging as if he were being strangled. Soon enough, another driver passed us. "Amelia, perk up!" I shouted as I shook her body. At the sight of Amelia's bodacious, bouncing breasts (no, of course I'm not jealous of them, silly...), this second driver shouted and landed face-first into a tree. His horse flew, quite literally, into the ravine and wound up crushing the driver before him. I laughed. Yes, it's funny. "Come, please help us!" I called out, stifling a giggle as I swung Amelia around. The next driver was speeding toward us. "Come, come!" I could see waterfall tears pouring from Amelia's eyes, ranting about the injustice and unfairness of it all. Oh Amelia, don't you know me better by now? I will do anything for our sake, and since it seems that you have no idea how well-endowed you are for your age, I must show you myself, and the hard way. Have faith in me.
"Miss Lina, stop it!"
Three more drivers came our way. They all looked at Amelia at the same time, I heard one of them shouting "hot damn!", and then the three of them smooshed together. I saw the first two collapse on one another, while the third catapulted into the ravine. One of the guys had his rear chewed off by the other man's horse, leaving behind a bloody stump. Within seconds, ten more coaches came our way! Cue wash, rinse, and repeat!
"The hell?" One shouted before being catapulted into a hole hosting a pack of wild boars. The other nine all crashed into the ravine in spectacular fashion, all because of Amelia.
My god.
Before us was a sixteen-coach pileup, and all of them were sporting the ever-fashionable crimson flushed face, nosebleed, and the occasional woody. I couldn't help but feel a little jealous at my friend who I took advantage of...hey, hey! No funny looks, buddy! I did what I had to do! Hey, so what if it didn't work?
I could see Zel struggling on keeping his gaze off Amelia's bust line and on anything else of interest. He was gawking, seriously! I don't believe it! It's as if he'd never seen a woman's body before, or rarely at the most. Hey, look, there's saliva dripping from his mouth!
Gourry blinked and gazed at the pileup before him. He spoke succinctly: "I...have no comment."
Realizing this failure of epic proportions on the drivers' part, I chortled happily and let Amelia go. I saw her and immediately shut up.
"Miss Lina, you're just rotten.." Amelia sniffled. I was about to retort until I saw her glare at me. It wasn't your typical glare, either. It was the closest thing to the evil eye that a girl like Amelia could've given me. She finally got her shirt down and her belt back. I stood there, unable to speak, as she stomped toward a coach that had managed to survive the ordeal. It was beaten a bit in the front, but the wheels were intact, so we just needed something to pull it. Since our strongest was hurt, we needed something else. Amelia got the picture, and she nudged Zelgadis for something. He seemed to get the hint and snapped out of his daze. My ears could pick up his spell.
You, who controls the origins,
who must come, who must go,
You all, break the chain,
obey my will and deed;
Come before me, my sworn friend!
Vol Ga Dooga!
I saw wisps of dark orange flames stirring around nearby. Like bubbling water, almost, the wisps came together and bubbled, and in its place materialized what appeared to be a black dog. It growled and barked, tensing its muscles as if ready to strike. It struck me surprised, for sure, when I saw Zel asserting his authority over it calmly and sternly. Who knew that a Garm could heed commands such as "stay!" and "no!" That was what Zel said...
It's been a while since I've had one of Pretty Miss Lina's Magic Lessons, huh? Well, first off, Zelgadis' summoning spell was, in fact, Black Magic. All summoning spells are, actually, along with certain attacks and the spells that draw from the five Dark Lords. There's Ferrous Bleed if you want a gargoyle, Gaia Graze if you want a brass demon, Vun Ga Ruim for shadow beasts, and Necro Vood if you like zombies (and why would you? They're gross). Vol Ga Dooga in particular summons a Garm. What is a Garm, you ask? This lovely creature looks like a monstrous dog that's about the size of a small cow, and they dwell near the endearingly-popular Desert of Destruction. They aren't as powerful as their demonic brothers from the other spells I mentioned, but I guess if you need something moved, I recommend this spell for you. Okay, end lesson.
"We're leaving, Miss Lina." Amelia gestured toward the stagecoach. Gourry was now safe inside, the Garm was reined in the front, and Zel was to serve as the cabbie. We slowly got in, and Zel lashed the reins to make the coach go forward toward Saillune. Oh, joy, we have an awkward and tense silence
before us now. Gourry was still wincing in pain, Amelia looked pissed, and Zel's face was still tinted with pink. His eyes were still wide, and I sensed that the image of large breasts still lingered in his head.
I hope that you're enjoying my state of regret.
I swore, though, that somewhere, on the astral side, I heard a particular purple pageboy-haired Mazoku laughing his ass off.
The Holy Kingdom of Saillune, which, despite it being early afternoon, looks rather desolate...
Okay, inaccurate. There are people out and about, but few of the open-air markets are actually open and selling, namely any pertaining to jewelery and food (as Amelia predicted), and I could see a few people down on their luck hanging around. Saillune was abnormally good at giving those less fortunate all the adequate stuff, and there were only a few major slums throughout the entire place. I love children, and let me tell you, I hate seeing them beg. It's heartbreaking...
A little girl ran up to Zelgadis and tugged his mantle. "Excuse me..."
She had wavy auburn hair and eyes to match, light olive skin, and wore nothing but a short apple green tunic with short sleeves. Judging by her appearance, she looked to be around eight. Following her was a very reddish colored cat. Zel turned to her and saw this beaten girl hold out her hands for alms. "Please...?"
I figured that I would have to nail Zel on the head for being an inconsiderate jerk, but instead, he smiled softly at the girl and reached inside the pocket space in his cloak. Into her hands he gave her a tiny sack of a few silvers and coppers, a small wedge of some kind of cow's cheese, and bread he had bought earlier in the morning.
"Ah, take this too." My jaw dropped when I saw him give her his fish line. He bent over and patted her head. "Use it well."
"T-thank you, sir..." The poor girl was flustered. I couldn't tell if it was out of modesty and gratefulness, or if it was because of Zel's looks. Mind you, Zelgadis was Amelia's escort and bodyguard for a while, and she and Phil are pretty tolerant people. Phil's an odd man, but if it wasn't for him, we'd have little positive recognition in any other kingdom in the Old World. It's pretty nice to see this young girl see beyond Zel's bizarre looks, but it's even nicer to see Zel act like a decent man. I guess that he secretly likes children too?
I would tell you that I'm also a decent person, but you wouldn't believe me...
"H-Have a good day." The girl bowed and hurried off, followed by her fuzzball of a cat. Amelia sighed.
"Believe me when I say this, guys. In the main capital, at least, we don't have a lot of beggars, and we certainly don't get any children begging on the street," said Amelia, who was still looking at the girl. "Look at her outfit...it's terrible..."
I could tell that she was genuinely desperate, because no sermon of justice was spewing from her mouth. In that single moment in time, I was, for once, grateful to not be a royal. Having the wealth of a royal though, well, that's a different story, folks. At that, I felt my poor stomach rumble.
"Ahh, let's find somewhere to eat! I'm still hungry!" My eyes shot open at the sentiment of the girl. "Well, ah...let's go where we can, and be grateful..."
Gourry softly smiled at me. "Hey, I mean it!" I retorted. He ruffled my hair, just as he did when we first met. I was a tender fifteen back then, but seriously? Now? Really?
But, still, he's my protector, nothing less, and probably a lot more. I will admit, I was a bit surprised when I learned that he was a good seven years my senior, but that doesn't matter with the man you...you...
You...you...*croak!*
There is no food in this restaurant.
There is no food in this restaurant.
There is no food in this restaurant.
There is no food in this restaurant.
There. Is. No. Food. In. This. Restaurant.
None.
Nada.
Nothing.
WHY!
A local dive in the central part of town was as barren as a damned dirt plain. In front of us was their sole offering, a fizzy pink drink that smelled like piss. I wouldn't jump off a cliff if I was forced to drink it. All of their regular items were apparently not being sold, although, judging from the loud animal squealing and the frightful yelp from Amelia, the chefs were scrimping for whatever they could find. I doubt that the weasel confit special would catch on anytime soon. From the corner of his eyes, I saw a sweat-drop fall from Zel's face when another chef stalked a poisonous snake on the wall and caught it with a net, carrying it off and putting it in a pot. Amelia's face turned green.
I'm so hungry...
"I'm not hungry anymore, Lina. Let's get outta here," Gourry sighed. I glanced over my shoulder and looked back to realize that we had all escaped in time as the chefs toasted with those pink drinks. One of them puked out what appeared to be a fishman's embryo -
*WHAM!*
"Sorry, morons!" A bandit whizzed passed me, slamming my back into the restaurant wall. For a moment, the air was winded from me.
"Lina!"
I could see Gourry trying to help me up. My fine eyebrow raised at his gawking. "Gourry? You'll catch flies."
"Lina! All of your jewel thingies...they're gone!"
"Eh?" I glanced left and right...Oh no...oh, no no no...no...
All of my precious amulets...gone...that bandit...he stole all of them...the two on my shoulder pads, my earrings, my belt, and the bastard even took my short sword. Somehow - I can only assume it was because he was a lowly bandit and I a great sorceress and the heroine of this story - my Demon's Blood Talismans were safe and sound. Still, I worked hard to buy the gems I bought and did the same for the ones I made.
"Ahhh! I can't believe that a bandit was able to steal from me..." I wanted to rip my hair out. A bandit. The one being even lower on the totem pole than a minnow...
Zel rubbed his head. "This is not good..."
Amelia anxiously smiled at us. "W-well...I'll let all of you stay at the palace toni -"
*WHAM!*
"Suckers!"
Ohh, it's on now! That same bandit crashed into Amelia this time! Amelia's two bracelets and that fluffy thingy with the two gems attached to it were stolen. Before he began a third arson charge (for what I can only assume is that one cheap-looking gem that holds Zel's cloak together), Zel rang him up by the neck and strangled him, taking back Amelia's bracelets. Unfortunately, with the ever-dreaded groin attack, the bandit was dropped and got away. Thanks a lot, Zel.
"FUCK!"
Ah, sorry, I lost count...
One week later...
Hey, hey...reader? Are you still there?
I imagine by now that you may be sick of reading on how hard our luck has become, but believe me when I say this. Our luck is sucking right now because the local economy sucks, the local economy sucks because the idiots who run the Coastal States are idiots, the Costal State people are idiots because they're...well, idiots, Saillune is in danger right now because the economy sucks, the palace is in disrepair because Christopher, Amelia's uncle, is a moron and can't do anything, Prince Useless is gone because...well, you should know Phil by now, but according to Amelia his beloved white steed died and a massive funeral service was being held for it. Well, if for nothing else, Amelia's magic is back, Zel's...okay...and Gourry's rash is gone. Oh, and somehow, Christopher screwed up and destroyed the building and resources for the Council's Department of Public Services and Jobs, so there are even more people out of work now. Bandits are crawling out of the woodwork, but there's no money to spend, so no one's hiring to kill them, whether it be regular services or freelancers.
But it's a beautiful day today!
Screw my life...
Speaking of bandits, we never found the ass who stole my jewelery. Oh, joy.
The guest apartments were facing an insect infestation (the same insects we discovered in Saillune's sewers, might I add), so Amelia allowed me to sleep in her room, while Zel and Gourry had to hole up with Christopher. I glanced over at Amelia, who emerged from her garderobe in a mint green dress with long sleeves, a square-cut neckline, and a yellow slip beneath it. I could see a small tear in the slip.
"No offense, Amelia," I began. "But that dress of yours looks a bit torn up." It was still a good dress, but probably wouldn't look good on me because of my hair...
Amelia stiffened. "I know. Most of my dresses are worn in. I didn't want to wear my pink dress again for a while." I'm surprised at the fact that she forgave me for using her the way I did. Or maybe she didn't, I can't tell.
"Why are you dolled up, anyway?"
"Uncle Christopher says that we have a visitor. He's apparently a highly respected sorcerer and merchant, and he wants a royal warrant.*"
"In this economy?"
"It all depends. Uncle Christopher might as well give it to him, even though our funds are down. I don't know what services he'll offer though." She spun around and began to brush her hair when a small tear ripped in her arm. "Ohh, dammit!"
"You sure you don't want the pink thing?"
"Gah! If only my stupid handmaidens let me fix up my own clothes...they can't sew for their lives, Miss Lina. Every time something rips, I offer to fix it. But nooo, heaven forbid if I prick my finger and scar it forever, or I get calluses on my delicate hands, or I TIRE OUT! From sewing! Because sewing is so unfit for a woman of my status! I might as well break my neck trying to put my own jewelery on!"
Yikes. I knew Amelia didn't like playing the hapless princess, but this was scary.
"Get this, Miss Lina. I have scar tissue left over from our fight with Saygram and Gaav, right?" I nodded as she dropped her dress a bit. It was true; I could see a reddish, jagged scar traced on her mid back. It formed something of a star shape on her lower spine. "Well, let me tell you..." Her face tinged pink. "I know I was caught off guard, but...I'm kinda proud of that scar...I think that it makes me look tough. Like a just hero's scar, you know?"
"Uh, sure." Go figure...
"Well, a maid of mine saw it one night. She screamed as if someone was going to burn her, and then she had the nerve to throw me in the bath and scrub me to death with a pumice stone and ten gallons of some oil that smelled like rat poop." Her expression changed to that of a whiny, docile maid who looked like she was too dumb to live. "Oh, Your Highness, Princess Amelia!" She squealed in a mocking tone. "That scar is marring your beautiful, marble skin! You'll never be find a suitor and be cherished if you have it! We must obliterate this disease at once!"
My mouth dropped. "She actually said that?"
"Word for word. It actually wasn't that red when Mister Milgazia finished healing me. All of that scrubbing made it worse. Since when is a battle scar a disease?"
That blaze. It was in her eyes. The same blaze that flared when a sermon of justice was bubbling in her mind. I cringed.
"To take an honorable mark from the throes of battle and deem it a sickness is rotten and evil! It takes the notion of just and honorable sacrifices and hard work and sullies them! For the sake of justice and those who struggle and fight for it, bearing those scars of battle day after day..."
Hey, that actually makes sense...wait, what am I saying?
A glint of rage shone in Amelia's eyes as she grabbed a massive tome. "...the next time I see that rotten woman...I'll RING HER NECK...AND EAT IT!"
I think that Amelia would have given a werewolf or a banshee a run for its money when she shrieked and RIPPED THAT MASSIVE TOME IN HALF. I'm officially scared now...
"Princess Amelia!" A guardsman called from outside.
"WHAT!"
"Ah...Prince Christopher requests your appearance...o-o-our guest is here...h-here..."
Amelia sighed sadly. "I can't fix my dress...hmm. Well, feel free to take something from my closet while your clothes are drying, Miss Lina. Will you come down with me?"
"Sure, sure. I don't have anything better to do anyway." And with that, she was gone. I turned to her closet and pulled out a modest purple dress. It was a bit shorter and more casual looking than the others, so I could move around easily. I glanced outside to check on my clothes, only to notice that, during the washing process, they had turned orange.
Don't blow anything up Lina, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it...
Amelia and Christopher were already in the Great Hall by the time I hurried down. To alleviate my rage, I cleverly pented it by punching the moat. It worked...a bit too well, actually. I swore not to destroy anything, and now a chunk of the castle moat is missing. And I'm tired.
"Hah, hah, hah, sorry..."
"Well well well, what has you in a tizzy, young lady?"
I froze. My eyes turned up to what appeared to be the sorcerer-merchant. It was an old man's voice, but it was also a deep, soothing bass. The merchant in question was massive, taller than Gourry practically, with tanned skin. Muscles gained from the harshest of training bulged all over from him, and they, along with the rest of his body, were dotted with scars. His hair and long beard were colored like snow, reaching to a small widow's peak on his forehead. His face was haggard-looking, with one of his hazel eyes scarred and permanently shut. A tiny pair of spectacles rested on his nose. What baffled me, though, were those robes: green as emeralds, lined with silk and gold, and more precious amulets and gems than I had ever seen. His bearings, his clothes, and his own aura were that of a man who had made an income of one backed up by six or seven zeroes. In gold coins. I could sense his powers as well, and it made me feel like a bug, kinda like when I met Gourry for the first time, know what I mean? Anyway, something tells me that while he's the wise, cryptic sage type, he also may be used to getting his own way.
But for an old guy who looked like he was thrown in an oven and butchered, he was quite a looker.
"Ahh...he-hello, sir, err, mister..."
The man bowed at me, almost whacking his square chin on my head. "Hello, miss. Are you the woman His Highness calls Lina Inverse?"
I shuddered. "Y-Yes..."
He nodded, then acknowledged Amelia. "And Her Royal Highness, Princess Amelia." Amelia fidgeted. "I must say that I am grateful for your patronage. I am aware that Saillune and the Royal Family are falling on rough times, but please know that I will do my best to serve you and my regular customers."
"O-of course..."
Christopher, clueless as ever, gestured toward the spacious red room adjacent to us. "Mister Graon will be offering a multitude of services to us from his trade shop, including water for the baths and foods for our meals. Otherwise, he actually wishes to speak to you, Amelia."
"Me?"
"Ahem..." This man named Graon cleared his throat. "Princess, I am aware that you have two other companions who are with you. Can you summon them to our meeting, please?"
"They're in the bath right now. May I call them later?"
"Of course. Please, leave us leave."
"Leave us leave?" Really?
The Red Room was considered to be the lounge area of the palace's first floor, as Amelia had explained to me once. The man offered us this really nice-looking tea on this lovely silver platter, both of which came from his trade store; the pure silver and porcelain cups proved my six-or-seven zeroes assumption of him to be true. At least the subtle tracings of dragons in both signified good taste...
So his name is Graon...
Wait...Graon? As in...
The old man cleared his throat and smiled. "Allow me to formally introduce myself. I have been the owner of a successful department and trade store for five years now, but before that I was a sage. I had devoted my life to the study and research of White Magic and its origins, and I also served the people as a cleric and a soldier. Have you ever heard of a book called The Path of the Right Hand,** ladies?"
Amelia shot up. "Yes! That tome on White Magic...every mystery about it solved! We have it in our library, and it's helped us tremendously. Who would've thought that it was a form of Astral Shamanism?** Either way, well, I...wait...were you the one who wrote it, sir?" Amelia blushed. The man nodded his head, and this proved my theory true.
"Then..." I nearly fainted. "You're one of the Five Wise Men...you're Luo Graon, aren't you?" This is too strange. The reason? "I...I think I've met you before..."**
He smirked. "The one and only." He rested his steely, sagely gaze on me, easily turning my spine into mush. "I do recall that our paths have crossed years ago, Miss Inverse."
"Miss Lina! Is that true?" Amelia grabbed me frantically. Hey, take it easy!
"I remember now...I remember seeing him when I was thirteen..."
Let me clear this up for you, in addition to the perky princess next to me. Like Rezo the Red Priest, Luo Graon is considered to be one Five Great Sages of this age. He's studied White Magic and its intricacies, and also served the people - without any ulterior motives, I assume. He's also one of the only sages who also studied swordplay. Most of the mysteries of White Magic are solved thanks to him. Given that he's obtained his life's goal, though, I guess he got bored and became a tradesman. That's an interesting career switch, huh? He doesn't even loo-
Wait...
"Y-You're the real thing, right? The real Luo Graon?" I approached him, subtly mind you, and gazed at him. "Last time I checked, Luo Graon was three-foot nothing with massive eyebrows and a head shaped like a walnut! You're...not!"
The old fart burst out laughing, damn him. "I figured that you would say that! Well, here's a secret for you, Miss Inverse. The man you're looking at now is, truly, the one and only Luo Graon. That miniature hunchback man was a disguise of my own design."
"D-Disguise?"
"Well, how else was I supposed to deceive those who fought me?"
Well, you're freakishly ripped for one thing, so I think intimidation would've worked fine.
"And...oh, this is embarrassing..." The man blushed. No, really. "I was...fawned over by the ladies, ever since I entered manhood. With that disguise, they would be repulsed by my appearance, and I could keep on working without breaking my vows."
What IS it with women falling for clergymen? You could say the same thing about those guys who have a fetish for nuns. I can only assume that it's the mystery of it all. Or it's probably the "forbidden fruit" BS. It's just people wanting something they can't have. Still though, I'm surprised that this guy kept his vows.
Luo cleared his throat and continued. "But enough about me. I have a very special job offer for you, Miss Inverse, as well as you, Princess. Your two male friends are also allowed to participate."
"A job offer?" Hooray! As long as his rules aren't stagnant or anything, I'm down with this! A job means something to do, and a job also means money! And money from a wealthy merchant like him means good money.
"Yes...a very...special job..." I glanced at his face. His one good eye glinted with...something conniving.
Wait.
The doubt struck me like thunder when I saw that old man fish out what appeared to be a sketch pad. What was inside made my stomach churn: it was me. More specifically, they were drawings of me in various poses. Very, very intricate various poses. Emphasizing me, or rather, various parts of my body. Oh sure, they were well done, but this just oozes with creepy.
"I have an offer for all of you, and I doubt that you can refuse it," he said a bit too graciously. "Let me tell you both that I admire you and your male companions. All of you interest me more than any other has before."
I gulped. "O...kay..."
"Please forgive me for being so blunt...I shall tell you right now that I admire those figures of yours, ladies. It is clear to me that you take care of yourselves. And...they're quite distinct."
"Just what is THAT supposed to mean, you pervert!" Amelia shrieked. Footsteps thundered down the hall, and low and behold, Gourry and Zelgadis appeared to save us!
In nothing but towels! God, couldn't they have gotten dressed first? The two of us were screaming, and believe me when I say that our faces were like tomatoes.
"Lina! Amelia! Where did he touch you guys?" Gourry projected, brandishing a giant steak knife. An exceptionally pissed off Zelgadis sped forward and held Luo Graon at freaking gun point. Apparently he decided to hoard a few of Jillas' guns from the Outer World. Hoo boy.
"Hey, hey, hey!" Even surprised the old man kept his composure. "Please, please, put the gun away and sit, Mister Graywords."
"How do you know my name!"
"I know about all four of you. You've all made a reputation for yourselves. Knowing what you've done, didn't you once consider that recognition was inevitable?"
Zel hissed and sat down. I saw a still-tomato-faced Amelia scanning her eyes over his lithe body.
"Now then, I know my previous statement seems a bit uncouth, but hear me out. I have chosen the four of you for this special task for several reasons. First and foremost, I am aware of your actions...heroic you are not, but the lengths you all have gone to save our world is greater than anyone can imagine. I admire you for that. Truly, you all make the human race proud."
He's really pushing this, but damn, that's quite a compliment. "Glad we could help," said I.
"R-Really? I-I wouldn't say that..." Amelia twiddled her fingers and blushed, a tiny smile on her face.
"Daww, thanks!" Gourry rubbed his head in his oh-so-nonchalant manner.
Zelgadis said nothing, but I saw a small smile flash on his face.
"Secondly, as I said before, you all look quite stunning. I can't help but love your willowy figure, Miss Inverse, or your curvier one, Princess Amelia. There's also your slight frame, Mister Graywords, and your muscular, Mister Gabriev. It's admirable to see you take care of yourselves."
Pang! Panic struck us. Zel's finger was twitching, trying to resist reaching for the gun.
"And finally, I have noticed that all of you have had bumps in your pasts, yet you all came together and became the best of friends. It's very touching."
Okay...this is weird...
"Which is where my offer comes in." We all audibly gulped. "I want all four of you to...dance for me."
Silence.
"Eheh, sir?" I piped in. "I don't dance. I'm sure that no one else here does either." Everyone else nodded their heads in agreement.
"No, no, I mean...a dancer." He raised his two brows, which didn't totally match his sage-like gaze. I still don't get it...
"And I said that we can't dance." I glanced over at Amelia, who, unlike me, was terrified. She let out a warbled sound before yelping.
"I think he means he wants us to be strippers, Miss Lina!"
To Be Continued...
* A royal warrant and patronage is the allowance of a service to serve and provide for a royal family or distinguished nobles in addition to regular people.
** The right hand path refers to a philosophy rooted in Western Esoteric Tradition, and it usually involves occultism. The right-hand path refers to groups that follow social norms, follow a specific code of conduct, and divide the concept of mind, body, and spirit into three different entities. This same group also practices with White, or "good", magic. The left-hand path rejects status quo, questions moral dogma, and incorporate sexuality and intercourse into rituals as opposed to the aforementioned three entities. As one would guess, they utilize Black Magic, and the left hand image is associated with the ill reputation it has in Christianity.
** Luo Graon is the other confirmed "Wise Man of the Age"/"Great Sage." He appeared in the sixth Slayers Special novel. In the same book, according to Hajime Kanzaka, White Magic is rooted in Astral Shamanistic Magic as opposed to being an imitation of Holy Magic.