Group Therapy

by Violet Eyes of Fire

The charcaters of Sweeney Todd need to work out their issues in a productive non violent way. Or so the therapist says. What could possibly go wrong? If you read, please review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd or any of its characters. I especially don't own Johnny Depp, but chances are you don't either.

Warning: Phantom of the Opera characters will be thrown in for non crossover intended purposes. (If that makes any sense)

At first glance the people seemed to be having a staring contest. With Tobias Ragg (a.k.a. Toby) staring at Mrs. Lovett, staring at Sweeney Todd, who was in a straight jacket so he wouldn't kill the person he was glaring at which was Judge Turpin, who was staring at Johanna( Barker?, Todd?, Turpin?!), who was staring at Anthony Hope who wasn't really staring at anyone but instead just sitting there with the words STUPID stamped on his forehead (well, not really but you could so tell it should be) yes it may have looked like a deranged staring contest but it was actually a weird group of people sitting in a circle waiting for the therapist who was of course late. When she did enter the first words she said was

"isn't it a beautiful day?"No one replied "well I'm sure you're all wondering why you were all taken against your wills to be in group therapy."

"Yeah, why are we here?" asked Mrs. Lovett

"So all of you can be together and work out your unresolved issues in a productive non violent way."

"Kiss my ass" replied Sweeney not taking his glaring eyes off Turpin

"I will" replied the therapist and Mrs. Lovett at the same time.

Toby threw up. Poor Anthony finally realized something.

"Hey, we were forced here against our will. Why Mr. Todd? Why?"

"So I wouldn't kill you and Turpin."

"So I can't marry my ward."

"So I can be out of my cage like the green finch and linnet bird"

Everyone stares at her in the wtf manner.

"What? I thought we were sharing."

"I'm here, against my will, so I can't commit mass murder with my pies of death, or rape Mr. Todd."

Again everyone just stares.

"Back off therapist! He's mine!!!"

"I'm just here because my mommy is."

"But she's not really your mom." said the therapist

"YES SHE IS!"

"Well there you go. Now, who wants to go first?' again no one replies "well let's start with Sweeney since he's the main character of the musical."

"Kill Turpin and Anthony and my problems are over."

"Now, now. There you go with the negativity. For your activity: everyone, give Sweeney a hug!"

"YES!" screamed Mrs. Lovett jumping out of her chair and squeezing Sweeney so hard that you could hear several bones cracking as his face turned blue. After the therapist pried her off, Johanna went next. Sweeney of course was totally happy but that didn't last long because Anthony rushed over.

"I love you Mr. Todd, know that I care. You can always come to me."

"Totally ew-ith." said Toby as he watched Anthony practically cuddle him.

"Well Toby you can go next."

"I won't hug that murderer!"

"Toby hug Mr. T for mommy." said Mrs. Lovett

"Oh alright, but only for you." Sweeney didn't seem any more enthusiastic about it. After a quick embrace Toby kicked Sweeney in the shins and ran back to Mrs. Lovett.

"And you wanted to keep him."

"Don't distress yourself dear." said the therapist patting him on the head "You're doing great. Now let Judge Turpin give you a great big huggie wuggie!"

Turpin and Sweeney glared at each other in anger and disgust.

"Hell. No." they said at the same time

"Well in that case, divine intervention!" the therapist shoved Turpin onto Sweeney knocking Sweeney out of his chair and ended up with Turpin on top of Sweeney on the floor. Poor Sweeney couldn't get away because he was in a straight jacket and in the process of both of them being smashed against each other, their lips touched.

"RAPE!" screamed Sweeney

"It was not rape! That was the worst kiss I've ever seen!"

"Anthony do you even know what you're talking about?!"

"Not really, but I've read some of Mrs. Lovett's romance books...they are kinda you know, graphic..."

"YOU SON OF A WORTHLESS MAGGOT!!!!"

"MOMMY IS MAD."

"YOU'RE GONNA DIE YOU APPY WELL-WISHER!!!"

"Now everyone calm down and let's talk about this in a calm soothing-"

"THE NEXT FOP I SERVE UP- it will be you....Anthony. Remember that."

"True Story!" cries Sweeney from the floor. Think of a spazzed beetle stuck on his shell trying to roll over. You would be seeing judge Turpin, for Sweeney is so cool that he can just jump up, while the judge is fat and just plain stupid. The whole room vibrates with death threats for Anthony.

"You keep stalking me anymore and I will give you a shave!!!!"

"If you keep the toilet seat up I will sic the birds on you!!"

"If you read ANY more of my books, YOU ARE MY NEXT PIE!!!"

"Whatever mommy says, beast!"

"Stop gandering at my ward. You off-key, high note, FOP!"

At this precise moment a figure walks into the room, who randomly bursts into tears.

"CHRISTINE WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THAT TOTALY HIP PHANTOM OVER MY FOPPY SELF?!"

"Uh, Raul, you just answered your own question. By the way your session doesn't start for another like hour. So go torment the world with your abnormally high off-key love ballads. And shut the door behind you. Thank you."

"What the hell was THAT?!"

"It's Fop, finest in the shop, or should I say, finest in the therapy session?"

"I don't know who that was but he had the cutest hair! I swear Mr. T, we Fops think alike, I mean, Herbal Essence is like a staple in our lifestyle."

"...........cheese?"

"Turpin, we have just been interrupted by a raving lunatic and all you have to say is cheese?"

"What I mean Johanna, is that I would have loved to cover him and you in cheese and devour the lot of you."

"WTF?!"

Cue spin kick from Sweeney.

"You can eat the weirdo but leave my daughter out of it."

"I'm your daughter?"

"Duh, why do you that you have Anthony stalking you? It's a family trait."

"You mean-"

"Yup it's in-"

"Mah genes?!"

"YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! THAT MEANS WHEN I MARRY Johanna I can call you dad!"

"Fuck no!!"

"Ok people let's get back on task. Who's next?"

"Me! Pick me! I want a hug!"

"Thank you for volunteering Anthony but hugs won't help you. What you need is a big dose of reality."

"What's that?" ask Anthony looking very confused

"Anthony I'm going to tell you something very serious, you might not believe it but it's completely true."

"What?" he leans forward eagerly

"The world is not a happy place full of rainbows and frolicking unicorns."

Anthony laughs "That's funny, now what's the truth really."

"Anthony, that is the truth."

"No! You're lying!" he starts crying "It's not true is it?"

"Yes it is, and so is the fact that everyone hates you."

"What?"

"Anthony I'm glad I got a free ride to London from you, but I hate you and the fact that you follow me, and that you like my daughter, she deserves better than you!" said Sweeney

"I didn't like you because Mr. T doesn't. But now I HATE you for reading my private books in my private secret book chest." chimed Mrs. Lovett

"I don't like you because my mommy doesn't like you."

"I hate you because you stole my ward, you ganderer!"

Anthony looks desperately at Johanna, but she says

"I just like you because you rescued me from that perv, I would never hook up with you in any other circumstance."

"Now Anthony how do you feel?" asked the therapist in a cheery voice

"Like I should go with Raul."

"Well this session isn't over yet so you have to stay here. Now is there any more volunteers?" -complete silence- "Oh dear, it looks like it's iney-meany-miney-moe time (begins pointing to people) ....and you are it."

The giant finger of doom had, at last, pointed at Judge Turpin.

"Now the thing we should do with you is have everyone say ONE reason why they dislike you an why you should dislike your past choices."

"I WILL GO FIRST!"

"Okay Sweeney you go first."

"Thank you. I hate you for many reasons. The major one is that you sent me to frikin' Australia so you could rape my wife," points to Johanna" her mother. YOU ARE ALSO VERY FAT!!!"

"Beyond where you sat." rhymed Mrs. Lovett "I mean, I ditto Mr. T's reason. Now I dislike you because you are....hmm...old? Yes old! As..as...."

I know mommy!"

"Okay finish mommy's insult."

"YOU'RE AS OLD AS DIRT. YEAH, AND BUGS, AND....AND....MOMMY'S OLD PIES!"

Gasp from everyone.

"Toby...I am compelled to tell you that from now on, I LOVE YOU AS MY SON! GO ON, TELL THAT OLD, FAT JUDE OFF!" Sweeney cried out

"Mr. T, you are very sexy when you encourage violence. Have I ever told you that?"

"Shove off Mrs. Lovett, me and Toby are having quality bonding hate time."

"Oh (giggle) you boys! HHHHUUUGGGGSSS!!!!"

"NO!" everyone turns to look at the therapist.

"But lady, you've been trying to get us to hug for the last 15 minutes. So what's the deal man?" asked Toby confused

"First of all I am NOT a man and I have not yet finished with judge Turpin's session. So sit down and let Anthony speak."

Begrudgingly they looked at Anthony with a "hurry up" look.

"Uh, okay. Um, judge Mr. Fat and Ugly I think that you should dislike yourself, because you look like..." he turns to Sweeney, looking for approval, "shit?"

Sweeney gave Anthony a big smile. Anthony, with a weird flowery background, came running toward Mr. T for a hug. He was almost there when the scary therapist stopped him by saying his full name.

"ANTHONY WITHOUT HOPE! SIT DOWN!"

Yes ma'am."

"Now, Johanna, you tell your guardian what you think of him..."

"You are indeed all these things and more, but my reason is this. YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME BE ABLE TO GET DRESSED ALONE!!!! I'm a big kid now."

"Yes indeed, but you are alone, there is no one in your room."

"But with that blatantly obvious peep-hole, in stands to reason."

The word busted was forever etched on his abnormally large forehead.

"YOU PERV STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!"

"YOU PERV STAY AWAY FROM soon-to be- OUR DAUGHTER!!!!!!"

"YOU PERV STAY AWAY FROM soon-to-be MY SISTER!!!!!!"

"YOU PERV STAY AWAY FROM MY LOVE!!!!!!"

"YOU PERV STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WITH 74 !'S IT HAS BEEN DECIDED THAT THE JUDGE IS TO STAY AWAY FROM JOHANNA!" screamed the therapist.

"But-"

"No buts Mr. Coconuts! Now that that's over Toby and Sweeney may now hug!" the two look at each other

"Um, the moment's kinda gone."

"Oh well, since no ever one volunteers I will just move on to Mrs. Lovett."

Mrs. Lovett suddenly rushed to Sweeney and latched onto him like a leech.

"Nothing you say or do will ever stop me from loving him with a very unhealthy obsession!"

"Someone get her off of me!"

"Mrs. Lovett," the therapist spoke "whether you succeed with your dream of Sweeney and yourself passionately making out is your business. As is the manner of which you achieve it.

-cough-"Rape"-cough-

"What did you say Turpin?"

"Nothing."

"Anyway, what I want to talk about is any other activities you do that are not Sweeney Todd related."

Mrs. Lovett perked up. "Of course. Like the darling psychopathic murderer I love so much, I too have revenge in my schedule. On Mrs. Moony, that stupid, cat killing, rival pie shop owning, nit! Oh yeah, once I didn't mind her but that was before she stole my very special romance novel! I don't know why everyone wants them, but she stole my favorite one. I had crossed the real names off and replaced them with mine and Mr. T's, as well as adding a few scenes of my own."

"I think I'm going to throw up." Sweeney mumbled

"Was it anything like the Lady Lust book?" asked Anthony "You know, the one with the naked couple on the cover?"

"They were not naked!!!"

"Honey the steam didn't hide ANYTHING..."

"Turpin shut up! This between me and Anthony. And Mrs. Moony! Anyway how do you know about that book?"

"Because that's my favorite romance novel, and like you I crossed out the names and replaced them with mine and Johanna's"

This time it was Johanna saying "I think I'm going to throw up."

Sweeney was shouting a lot of not nice words to Turpin, struggling and cursing at the strait jacket; Mrs. Lovett latched on him didn't help at all. Johanna added her cursing and then Anthony said

"Yeah Turpin, butt out!

"Shut up fop before I eat you."

"!"

Anthony leaps onto the already latched upon Sweeney and proceeds to scream like a little girl, complete with convulsions.

"Mr. Todd I beg of you don't let that big fat meanie head get a hold of me. Please, Mr. Todd I beg of you, spare me and my lack of genitalia the fierce fate of being eaten by a fat pig man."

Sweeney proceeded to remain calm for as long as possible, but with the lack of circulation, squealing fop creature and a deranged leach of a woman that was sucking his life force out of him he snapped.

"O MY FIKIN' GOD! WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE! IS IT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO GET ANOTHER VICTIM TO VICTIMIZE?! I MEAN FOR REAL WHAT DID I DO TO GET A LEACH AND A FOP ON ME IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIKIN FORCED GROUP THERAPY BULLSHIT??

By the time Sweeney was done with his rant of suppressed anger Anthony proceeded to change his hiding place to behind the small Toby. Who then kicked him in the shins and ran to his "mom". Turpin watched in a very entertained manner, until they whole group was interrupted by Raul once again.

"I FEEL YOU CHRISTINE, DOES HE THINK A FICKIN CAVE UNDER THE OPERA HOUSE CAN HIDE YOU OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD ASS?! ALREADY I'M IN THE CANOE COFFIN OF DEATH, AND I JUST BURIED MADAM GIRY FOR DISSIN HERBAL ESSENCE!"

Anthony snapped. Sure he was a fop of foppic proportions but he still had his foppish pride. Sure it was limited and very small, but a fop has to do what a fop has to do. He got up, though his shins hurt like a mofo, and slapped the shine out of Raul's hair.

"You may call me a fop, tell Mrs. Lovett she's fat, or even kill Toby, please, but never ruin a song about Johanna BITCH!"

The whole room, except for the therapist, was chanting, from low to loud the following:

"fop fight, fop fight, fop fight, fop fight, fop fight, fop fight, fop fight, fop fight BITCH!!!!!"

Ding! Round one! They glared at each other for a moment then started to that hand slapping thing that girls do. Squealing and making other girlish noises as they did so. That lasted for a few moments before they started playing dirty. Anthony grabbed Raul's hair. Raul grabbed Anthony's hair and they started pulling each other's hair and while they continued to scream like girls. Ding! Round two! Raul was losing badly so he pulled out the only insult he could think of. For his thoughts were limited.

"Oh yeah, well my Angel of Music can hit a higher note than your...bird lady!"

"She is not a bird lady! She is beautiful! Her mother was a bird lady!"

WAP! Sweeney kicks Anthony in the face.

"While Anthony was rolling on the floor in pain, the therapist grabbed Raul by the ear and personally dragged him to the door.

"If you interrupt my session again-"

but before she could finish, Erik came in and grabbed Raul.

"I will be disposing of him. Don't bother looking for his body. I will have Christine and we shall live a fopless life."

Mrs. Lovett looked between Erik and Mr. Todd and let out an exasperated sigh of anguish. Why was it that every man she met was emotionally or mentally scarred in some way?

She faced Erik and asked him how much he loved this Christine person.

"With the burning passion of 1,000 suns. No wait, maybe more than football."

That was, in her pov, the principle of love and commitment.

She asked Mr. T, "Is it possible that you could learn to love again?"

"Why, is football dead?"

"No, I meant people, life, the emotion?"

"Mrs Lovett, are you off your rocker? I believe that you have perhaps eaten one of your own pies and lost your mind."

"Shut up Anthony I have no need of your "moral guidance" seeing that you ain't but a sailor with no sense of direction and common sense."

"Mrs. Lovett you have indeed proven that you are not a dull witted chit."

"Thank you Mr. T?"

"Your almost normal. In a morbid sense."

"But you haven't answered my question."

"As long as I don't kill you does it matter?"

"Not really."

"Then consider yourself alive."

"I'm not really sure what that conversation was about, but it is now time for Toby to share."

"Toby answer the lady's questions."

"Yes mum."

"Now Toby how do you feel about Mr. T?"

"I think he's in dire need of a haircut, a bath, and he needs to stay away from my mum!"

"Tell you a secret you flea, I don't want to be near your mum. She is the one who throws herself at me. She tried to rape me on several occasions, but I fought her off with my friends Jeremy and Tommy."

"....um, do you mind telling us who Jeremy and Tommy are?"

"Mr. Todd, I the great judge Turpin, was unaware that you had any friends. I assumed, like me, your homies were paid to like you. And I wasn't paid enough."

"Well Jeremy is my shiniest razor and Tommy is a little rambunctious. He can't cut in a straight line to save his life."

"He tried to kill mum with them both!"

"Toby you know Mr. T. doesn't try to kill people. If he wanted to kill me he would, but he needs me too much. Him fending me off with his razors is just his way of flirting with me. Besides, he secretly wants me."

"Like I want that fat ass judge to marry my daughter."

"You do?"

"NO I WON'T LET YOU! SHE'S MINE AND I WILL DEFEND HER TO THE EXTENT OF MY FOPPISH PRIDE. Herbal essence be damned."

"Well I guess we know where he's coming from don't we Joanna."

"The looney bin?"

"No he wants to protect you because he loves you."

"No, he thinks he loves me. What he really loves is that stupid pony ride in front of Wal-Mart. He blew 20 dollars in quarters racing some Asian kid."

"Did he win?"

"NO HE DIDN'T!!!! he shames the name of sailor."

"EXCUSE ME DID WE FORGET THAT IT'S MY TURN?! I AM A VERY NEEDY CHILD! I NEED CONSTANT ATTENTION OR ELSE I GET ANGRY! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Because I get drunk and begin to do the hamster dance song. Full speed."

"Well, Toby, I'm going to ask you about how much gin you drink."

"I'll tell you how much that shit stain drinks! He drinks like a fish, no like a frikin' school of fish. No like a pod of whales No LIKE-"

Sweeney could not fish his sentence for Joanna smacked him with her purse across the face. There was a loud cracking noise, when further inspected it was found that she had a brick in there.

"I was saving it for Turpin or Anthony, but he just kept going on and on and on."

"Um I say that we hurry up and finish this session before we end up killing each other."

"A smart observation turnip."

"Ha. Ha. Like I never heard that before."

"The only one we have left is Joanna."

"My story is that of any other child who grows up in a single room of a five bedroom house with bars on windows peepholes in walls and a guardian that is uber pervy."

"So...what's that like?"

"Like shit. Pure hammered shit AND THEN I get rescued by a dumbfuck of a sailor. That can't spell the word sailor without consulting another sailor. Ever hear the joke how many sailors does it take to spell sailor? Well the answer should be one , but it changes all the time. Some of the sailors in port don't even speak English, the only English they speak is yes no and opium dens. Do you know the most bizarre spelling of sailor that he dragged up?"

"No. Does it reall-"

"saiylaoraQ. Yes the man who saves me from utter disgrace and a lifetime of torment spells sailor with a frikin Q!!!!"

"At least your not married right?"

"If you bring up marriage to that thing again I will-!"

"Daddy sit down before I smack you again."

".....you called me....daddy.'

"I'll call you paralyzed in a minute!"

"Joanna do you recognize Sweeney as your father and that you would build a lifelong relationship with him?"

"I think you mean a relation-shit. I acknowledge him as my father but not as my dad. I will get away from all of this and catch a ship that goes to somewhere where you people can't reach. Like Russia."

"You're...gonna..go to...Russia?"

"You follow you die."

"I'm your turtledove!"

"You're a dumbass."

"My daughter is so-"

"You are a murderer."

"Ward! Don't leave me-"

"You deserve to be fixed!"

"Yea! Girl pow-"

"You are no better. But yes power to the uterus!"

"You're hot!"

"Toby you need to take your nap."

"But mum I-"

"GO TO SLEEP NOW!!!!"

"Yes mum."

"I want to call it quits now. I'll see you all in here tomorrow!"

"Great. Now can I get out of this straight jacket?"

"No. You are going to stay there. I'll stick you in the closet while my others sessions are going on. I'll leave to go home, and then I'll take you out for tomorrow's session."

"What?! No! I-"

"Goodbye father."

"Goodbye Mr. Todd."

"Good riddance. I hope she forgets about you."

"Zzzzzzzzzz."

"Bye bye Mr. T."

"What? You can't just leave me!"

"You're right. Into the closet you go."

"No! Stop! What kind of person are you!?"

SLAM!

"......It's dark...I can't see...Something's touching me!"

"Hi.....what year is it?"

"I don't know. How long have you been in here?"

"I don't know anymore......but I've been lonely.......let me just....."

"Hey! Stop! No touchy!"

"You can't get away........."

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

.....The End

Authors note: So if you were wondering what the hell was up with Phantom of the Opera characters, my friend and I had a debate on whether Raul was lamer than Anthony so I had to put it in my story. Should I have put it in crossover? For those of you who didn't get it, I hope the story was still enjoyable.

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