Title: Eragon Parody
Author: LoNnI
Rating: PG
Genre: Humor
Disclaimer: Everything in Eragon belongs to Christopher Paolini
Characters: Eragon, Arya, Brom, Murtagh, Saphira, Durza etc...
Note: Based on both book and movie. I actually love both movie and book, but parodies and humor is always fun! The story wont have any straight timeline and will jump a bit back and forth.
Summary: What happeneds when Lonnie get to joke around with the words and characters?
This is just a nonsense story based on my crazy ideas. I thought some of the ideas sounded fun in my head, but that's not always the case when it comes to writing it down XD I'll just post and see what you think lol. No bashing the movie or book, no flames and just lovin'! lol Okay maybe not, but... behave please! lol
Chapter 1 - Nudity
Part 1/2
Set: On a boat near Carvahall after Saphira had flewn off with Eragon on the back. Then to return to the farm to find uncle Garrow half dead.
Eragon - Where am I?
Gerterud - On a boat
Eragon - Why?
Gerterud - Because you're hurt and there's no room for you elsewhere
Eragon - Who are you?
Gerterud - The healer or whatever they say I am... You know who I am!
Eragon - Oh my god! I'm naked! I'm naked! And my ties are bound! That means she has seen me naked!! I have to marry Gertrud now!
Saphira - Why?
Eragon - Just something Roran told me when I was younger...
Saphira - Tell...
Eragon - It's a long story...
Saphira - TELL!
Goes seven years back in time. Eragon is eight years old while Roran is eleven.
Eragon - RORAN!!!! (loud crying through the forest)
Roran - ERAGON!!! What is it? (the elderly of those two comes running to a lake near their farm)
Eragon - Naked men!! Sloan! Horst! Uncle!! (Points at Carvahalls men bathing in the lake)
Roran - Oh dear... it's time to tell you then
Eragon - Tell me what?
Roran - You have to promise me that you will do as I say!
Eragon - Why?
Roran - Because my words is your law. You will not grow to be an old man if you don't do so!
Eragon - Yes, my lord
Roran - Good. The thing is. Everytime you see a person naked - man or woman - old or young - you have to marry him or her!
Eragon - Why?
Roran - Because my words is your law, I told you!
Eragon - Okay...
(Silence...)
Eragon - Roran?
Roran - Yes?
Eragon - Do I have to marry uncle? And Horst? And ... gross... Sloan?
Roran - (thinking) No. But from this day on you will have to be careful. Six is the age you have to be to get these news!
Eragon - I'm eight..
Roran - Of course you are...
Present day...
Saphira - Was that supposed to be a long story?
Eragon - ...
Saphira - You humans have weird traditions...
Part 2/2
Set: Eragon confronts Murtagh when they're getting closer to the Varden.
Murtagh - Look! (Pulls off his tunic) This was the only thing he ever gave me!
Eragon - NOOOOOO!!
Murtagh - Yes, it's sad I know...
Eragon - Noooooooooo not that!
Murtagh - Oh... nice...
Eragon - You're naked! Now I have to marry you!
Murtagh - Do you know what naked means?
Saphira - He is so pure and innocent that a forehead is nudity to him
Eragon - If I see a naked person, I have to marry him or her!
Murtagh - I'M NOT NAKED!
Eragon - YOUR SHIRT IS OFF!
Murtagh - THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M NAKED!!! I still got pants on you kno'...
Eragon - But... but... chest... still flashing up the place!
Murtagh - Geez... sorry! (puts shirt back on) Ain't my fault the sun always flies away from me!
Saphira - This is stupid...
Murtagh - (Looks at Saphira, then at Eragon, then at Saphira again and then back at Eragon and then at Saphira and then at Eragon and then at Saphira and then at Eragon again) Why haven't you married Saphira yet then? She's naked!
Eragon - OH NO!! I can't marry a dragon!
Saphira - I'M NOT NAKED!!! I GOT SCALES!!!
Murtagh - Who told you that you had to marry every naked person?
Eragon - My lord
Murtagh - Who?
Eragon - My lord!
Murtagh - WHO is your lord?
Eragon - RORAN!
Murtagh - WHO IS RORAN?
Eragon - MY LORD!
Murtagh - Oh dear...
Eragon - NO! I am not your dear! We're not married yet! Roran is my cousin!
Murtagh - Ah... that explains it all...
Eragon - what?
Murtagh - Ah nuthin'
Eragon - Tell me!
Murtagh - Neh
Eragon - Common!
Murtagh - The khul is coming you kno'! They should have been over us a long time ago already...