A/N: Hello everyone. This is my first fic. I'll take constructed criticism. But please no derogatory comments. I'm a little sore at the moment. I've been dwelling on this idea for some time now. I decided to write this as a way to express what I went through when I experienced a miscarriage on my first pregnancy. Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to read this. It really means a lot. This story was submitted about six months after I lost my baby.
I do not own Kim Possible. That honor belongs to the Disney Corp.
Ron Stoppable couldn't wait to get home this evening. He had just finished paying his employees after they worked so expeditiously in preparing and serving the hordes of people who gathered there atChez Ronald. He was still in shock at how hiscustomers so feverishly ate their food. Now he understood what Kim meant when she scolded him about what he ate and how he ate it.
Ron smirked to himself as he thought about his employees. There was Ned, his long time friend from Bueno Nacho. Then there was Artie Smarty. Ron never thought he would higher this little 'bundle of I don't know what' as his father so delicately put it.
But as hard as it was to believe, little Artie did mature as he got older. Not to mention get a crush on Kim along the way. Ron wasn't concerned since he thought it was just a phase he was going through, much to Kim's chagrin. But that was years ago, and little Artie grew out of that a long time ago—at least that's what he thought.
As Ron drove back home, his mind drifted back to Kim, his long time girlfriend and now wife. He and Kim had been married for almost a year now. She was in the process of completing graduate school, already earning her masters and now tracking her doctorate. Though very difficult, Kim and Ron also continued to do their 'save the world hobby' even as adults. No matter how demanding the work load was for them, Kim absolutely refused to discontinue it. Ron conceded. He knew that Kim loved doing missions as much as she loved him. It was just a part of her. It wasn't just something she loved-it was something she craved. Something she needed. Something that made her Kim Possible. What she loved about do things that most people would consider suicide he had no clue. But as long as they were doing it together, Ron didn't care.
As Ron pulled into the driveway, he noticed that the house was in darkness. Well, maybe not darkness. One room in the house was lit-the living room. Ron found that somewhat strange.
"Kim never leaves the house in darkness."
Ron glanced back at their concrete driveway. Sure enough, Kim's silver 2006 Lexus ES 330 was sitting there right in front of Ron's Chrysler ME 412.
As Ron opened the door, he warily looked inside. The first thing he saw was Kim, sitting there on the couch reading a book. Ron uttered a sigh of relief that she was okay, not even noticing the cold glare she was giving him.
Slowly closing the door, Ron gave her a warm smile before proceeding to hang his drenched coat up to dry.
"Hey babe." Ron said cheerily, still oblivious to the holes his wife was burying in his back. He went up to give her a kiss on the cheek when she sharply turned her head away from him.
Ron, still blind to the way Kim was treating him, preceded into the kitchen.
"You wouldn't believe the day I had KP. I…"
"Where have you been?" Kim's voice was cold and guttural. It caused Ron to freeze on the spot and it was a while before he responded.
"W-What?"
"Where have you been?" Kim voice seemed to grow even colder and harsher, if that was even possible.
"Kim…I..." Ron began to say. He was at a loss for words. He just couldn't understand why Kim was talking to him this way. Did he do something wrong? Then, he noticed the half empty bottle of Bacardi dark on the table in front of her.
"Have you been drinking?"
"Don't you change the subject!" Kim spat out. She was tired of Ron avoiding her question.
"KP, why are you doing this?"
Ron lightly tapped his left pocket to let Rufus know he could come out and go to bed. The naked mole rat complied, until he saw the look on his other human's face, in which he feverishly dove right back down to his safe pouch, but not before uttering an audible yelp.
"Answer me Ron! Where have you been?"
"At work KP."
Sweat started to trickle down Ron's face. He had no idea what was happening. Kim was questioning him. He hadn't been in his home for 5 minutes and he was already being scolded by Kim for God knows what.
Kim said nothing. She simply sat there, stiffly, callous to her husband's response. Then she leaned forward, poured herself another glass of Bacardi, and leisurely downed the dark liquid.
"Is something wrong KP?" Ron asked while still tapping at Rufus to go.
"Why don't you just admit it," She said after pouring herself another glass of the liquor. Again, her voice was cold and harsh.
"Admit what, KP?"
Ron was getting anxious. He had no idea why Kim was so vexed with him. He couldn't remember doing anything to aggravate her that morning. He kept calling her throughout the day to tell her what was going on at work as well. Why was she so angry with him?
"Don't play with me, Ron! I'm so not in the mood!"
"I'm not playing, Kim. I really don't know what you're talking about."
Rufus decided to take this opportunity to leave his human's pocket and head upstairs. He'd seen too many fights like this and they never ended pretty. He presumed this one would end the same and he didn't want to be there when it did.
"Stop it, Ron!"
"Stop what, KP?"
"Ron!"
"Kim, I really don't know what you're talking about."
Kim was getting frustrated. She wanted Ron to just go ahead and admit how he felt so she could just relax and move on. But he kept stalling and it was infuriating her.
"Ron, will you stop acting like an ass and just admit it!"
"I'm not acting like an ass Kim! I honestly don't know what you're talking about! I don't know what you want me to say!" Ron too was beginning to get frustrated. Kim was really aggravating him with her inquiries.
"Admit it, Ron!"
"Admit what!"
"Admit that you blame me for losing this baby!"
Ron froze. It took him a while to process what she just said. Admit that you blame me for losing this baby. That's what she was fussing about? That's why she's so inquisitive today? Why she's provoking me?
"Is that what this is about?" Ron said with a chuckle.
"And just what is so funny?"
"Whew…KP, you had me worried there for a second," He said with another chuckle.
"What?" Kim said with disgust. What he found so funny about blaming her for their loss she had to know.
"Kim, that was six months ago. That baby…has been gone for six months…"
"Ron."
"Kim…why would you think I'd blame you for that?"
"You blame me?" Kim said flatly.
"No, I don't."
"Liar!"
"What?"
"You're lying to me!"
"Kim…"
"I know you blame me for killing our baby!"
"KP you didn't…"
"You know it's my fault we're not parents now!"
"Kim…"
"That it's my fault we don't have a 2 week old son or daughter to care for!"
"Kim…"
"Just admit that you blame me Ron so we can end this conversation and be done with it!"
Kim fought the tears that demanded to be released from her eyes and flow down her cheeks. She was not going cry! She was going to hear Ron reveal how he truly felt about this.
"And just why do you think I blame you Kim?" Ron didn't know how much more of this he could take. He didn't like seeing Kim like this. So weak and fragile. It hurt him to see her in this stage.
"Stop changing the conversation Ron!"
"I didn't change the conversation Kim."
Now it was Kim's turn to Kim freeze. She was beginning to lose her mind. She was so furious she couldn't think straight. Why wouldn't Ron just admit how he felt?
"I think you feel guilty Kim."
Kim, now out of her little world glared daggers at her husband. What had he just say to her?
"I think you feel guilty that we lost this baby. What I can't fathom is why?"
"What did you just say Ron!" Kim couldn't believe he just called her guilty.
"Do you feel guilty, Kim?"
"Of course I feel guilty Ron because you blame me for losing our child!"
"Dammit Kim! What does it take to get through to you?"
"If you'd stop lying to me and just tell me how you feel then maybe I'd give this conversation a rest."
"Kim, I told you that I don't blame you."
"Stop lying, Ron! Just tell me the truth!"
"That is the damn truth! I don't blame you, Kim!"
"If that's what you believe then you're in denial."
"What?" Ron was furious. He was fed up Kim and her insecurities. He was tired, weary, and in desperate need of a shower. He really didn't want to deal with this tonight.
"Ron, will you please just show me some respect and…" Kim didn't get a chance to finish her statement before Ron abruptly cut her off.
"Respect? You're talking about showing respect? Who was it that blasted her husband with not only an inquisitive but guttural tone as she asked 'Where have you been?' I hadn't been home for 2 minutes and you down right nagged me for being home 30 minutes late! Not to mention the traffic that I had to endure coming here after dealing with hordes of ravenous people who act like they haven't eaten since World War I. And you're talking about respect?"'She has some nerve' Ron thought.
Kim was a little taken back at what Ron said but soon regained her composer and reflected the daggers he was now pointing in her direction.
"Alright. Maybe that was my bad."
"You think?" Ron had no more sympathy for his wife. She wasn't weak or fragile like she had portrayed earlier. She was nagging him for no clear reason. Was it because she felt guilty? If it was, then he wasn't going reason with her on that because he didn't think she had anything to feel guilty of.
"Ron…"
"Kim, I had to put up with a lot today. I had to cook and serve food to trillions and trillions of carnivorous bastards all day. Since 9:00 this morning to 10:53 tonight. Nearly thirteen hours. Thirteen freaking hours KP! Thirteen hours of cooking. Thirteen hours of serving. Thirteen hours of cleaning. Thirteen hours of fixing my employees mistakes while cooking. Thirteen hours of listening to customers' complaints. Thirteen hours of listening to customers' praises. Thirteen freaking hours of trying to please others but myself KP! And what little time I did have, I used to call and tell you about how my day was going and to ask you how you've been. Did you do the same? Noooo. But did I complain? Noooooooooo! I kept doing this crap until all of those bastards left the restaurant and I could close it down so that my staff and I could eat what little morsel of food was left without being prepared all over again! And on top of that, I had to drive out in the pouring rain through miles of traffic! I was in my car at a stand-still for a good 15 minutes before the road decided to move 2 miles an hour. And I still only came home 30 minutes late from work!"
"Ron…"
"I ain't done explaining yet!" Ron spat out. Kim mouth immediately shut, letting her husband finish recalling his day.
"And when I got home I still put that spurious smile on my face and came in cheery and merry. And then I had to put up with you and your inquisitive mind…"
"Okay Ron, that's enough!"
Kim couldn't take this. This conversation was becoming dangerous and she didn't want it to exceed anymore than it already had. How did it get to this? She only wanted him to answer her question.
"You know Kim, you talk an awful lot about showing respect and you're not even taking your own advice. That's what most folks call a hypocrite."
"Ron will you just say that you blame me for the miscarriage so that I can go to bed."
Though barely audible, Kim was able to hear that little swear word that escaped Ron's lips. Specifically one that begins with an S.
"What did you just say?"
"Have you been listening to anything I've been saying for the past 25 minutes?" Ron was about to explode. He did not need to take this.
"Ron!"
"Dammit Kim! What do you want from me?"
"To tell me that you blame me for losing this baby!"
"You want some blame? Okay. Fine. Here it is: Kim I blame you for making me feel so weak and pathetic lately. I blame you for making me feel like I can't comfort you like how a loving husband's supposed to. For making me feel sad about our loss. For making me cry for days, weeks, and months! For making me feel so insecure as a father and a lover. For keeping me distracted from my job. For making others feel so sorry for us. For making me feel so hurt and distraught in that hospital!" Ron's voice cracked as he said that last statement.
"Kimberly," Ron said with force "I blame you for going through the miscarriage, for the effects of the miscarriage, but not for having the actual miscarriage itself."
The room was eerily silent. No words were spoken for a while. Ron was breathing heavily through clenched teeth, still glaring those sharp daggers at his wife. And his eyes turned a hint of blue but only for a millisecond.
Kim, on the other hand, was absolutely petrified. Her heart thumped. The anger that had been chocking her all morning seemed to stop her from breathing all together. She no longer withheld the tears that were now burning her eyes. They flowed freely down her cheeks and off her quivering lips from her once cleaned face. And the look she saw in Ron's eyes terrified her. She could have sworn she saw him turn a hint of blue too.
Ron gave one large huff and let go of the now broken pedestal table he'd held in his hands. Too frustrated and angry to continue their conversation anymore, Ron left the kitchen in high dudgeon and went to the door.
"Where are you going?"
Ron didn't answer.
"Ron…"
"Out Kim. I'm going out." Ron said with the same harshness Kim had earlier.
"O-Out where…"
"Bueno Nacho, KP! I didn't really eat anything at work so I'm going out to eat!"
"We have food here," Kim was distraught. She didn't want Ron to leave and certainly not like this.
"I try to get away from my problems before I confront them. Haven't I always done that in the past?"
Kim's tears returned again at full force.
"And in case you forgot, Bueno Nacho is my comfort place. I go there for comfort. To feel better. I obviously can't stay here since my other comfort is the very thing that I'm trying to get away from."
"R-Ron…"
"Kim, when you need to go cuddle up in your room and clutch your pandaroo for comfort, I let you. I let you scream to the top of your lungs when you feel that would make you feel better. I even went skydiving with you when you said needed to ease your stress from Bonnie! So please don't try to stop me from releasing my anger and stress into a Naco.
And with that, Ron left and slammed the door behind him, nearly cracking it and shattering the glass windows.
4: 56 AM. Five hours. Five hours he'd been gone. Five hours of being angry. Five hours of being angry with her.
And his eyes. Angry eyes. Angry eyes at her. Angry eyes reflected at her. Stabbing her. Draining her. Burying into her soul. Her very being. His eyes. Those eyes.
All Kim could think about was his eyes. Ron's eyes. The last thing she saw before he left for the Tex-Mex restaurant. The only thing she saw before he left. His eyes were angry. Not only were they angry but they were weary, and tired.
And then she saw another thing.
Blue. Azure blue. The azure blue only visible through Mystical Monkey Power.
It enveloped his eyes. Then it spread across his face, and then down his body.
She made him tap into it. She caused him to produce it. Even only for a few seconds, she caused it to happen. She caused him to do it.
Staring at the door, Kim sobbed—hard. She was distraught. Her eyes were red and swollen, yet the tears did not yield. Her hands were trembling uncontrollably. She was light-headed from the powerful sobs she kept releasing.
All in all, Kim was a mess.
She'd done it. She'd angered Ron so much, that his Mystical Monkey Power had been released. And even if it was only for a few seconds, it was still there. That picture stayed in her mind. The last time Kim ever saw that look was when he saved her from those lordwardian bastards Warhok and Warmonga from taking her as a trophy for conquering Earth.
Now that look was directed at her.
What happened? All she wanted was for Ron to tell her how he felt about their misfortune?
No.
That's not what she wanted. She wanted Ron to tell her that it was her fault that they experienced that miscarriage. That it was her fault that they weren't parents and don't have a child to care for. She wanted Ron to blame her so she'd have a reason put herself down. Why? She didn't even know.
'Oh, I am such a bitch!' Kim thought to herself.'What is wrong with you?'
Kim glanced at the small digital clock Monique and Felix had given them as a gift when they came back from their honeymoon.
5: 15 AM.
Kim's eyes snapped open. 5:15! Ron's been out since 11:50!
Kim grabbed her coat and scurried for her shoes. 'What if he got in a car accident? What if he's in the hospital? What if he's dead?'
Kim froze. Ron dead?
Kim shook her head to shake those horrible thoughts out of her mind.'No time to think negative. Be positive. Doesn't matter what your name is now. You're still a Possible. Which means anything's possible! Stay positive Possible!'
If something did happen to him, she shouldn't be wasting time worrying and crying. She should be looking for him.
Finding some sandals, Kim slipped them on and sprinted out the door. She almost fell down the porch stairs when she noticed that Ron's Chrysler was still parked in the driveway. Kim glanced down the road to see if maybe he tried to walk. She wouldn't be surprised if he did. He did want to get away from her after all.
Fear began to envelop Kim as she began to envision Ron walking to Bueno Nacho through the stormy weather.
Kim slowly made her way over to the porch bench. She almost screamed when she saw a man sitting down there looking out to the rain. Something caught her attention when lightning flashed, allowing her to evaluate this stranger.
Blonde hair.
The man had blonde hair. A mess of blonde hair. Corn yellow. A mess of corn yellow hair matted down to his face.
When the lightning flashed the second time, Kim got a better look at the man.
Freckles. Pink Freckles. Coral pink freckles that formed identical triangles on either side of his face.
When lightning flashed the third time, Kim nearly jumped out of her skin when she was able to identify another feature on the man's face.
Eyes. Brown Eyes. Chocolate Brown Eyes.
Ron!
Ron was sitting there on their porch bench looking out at the rain. Ron was here! Home! Safe!
Kim almost ran over to her husband to give him one of her father's trademark bear hugs, but after recalling the incident that happened earlier, she thought against it, thinking he may still be upset with her.
Kim slowly walked over to where her husband sat. She felt like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
Kim suddenly began to feel nervous again. She stared at the man she called her husband. His face was apathetic. His eyes hard. His mouth slightly curved downward and his brow in a wrinkle.
But it wasn't her he was staring at. It was the rain. The road.
Finally, Kim, with whatever strength of will she had left spoke up.
"Hey."
"Hey."
Kim paused before speaking again.
"I thought you were going to BN?"
"Couldn't. The road's flooded."
Kim glanced back up at the road. Just as Ron had said, it was flooded with about 3 inches water and the rain was still coming.
Kim said a silent prayer of thanks for the rain that prevented Ron from going out and prayed that whoever was out there arrived home safely.
"Ron, about earlier…"
"Kim, please don't."
Kim was surprised that the harshness that was in his voice earlier had gone, but only to be replaced by sadness. When Kim got a closer look at Ron's face, she noticed that he'd been crying.
"I'm sorry, Kim."
Kim was taken aback by Ron's apology. She definitely wasn't expecting him to say something like that.
"Ron…what?"
"I'm sorry, Kim. I shouldn't have spoken to you like I did."
"Ron no. I'm the one who's sorry. I mean, what I said earlier…"
"Hurt. Bad."
Kim just sighed in agreement.
"Kim, look at me."
Kim grimaced in defiance. She didn't want to look at him. To see how much her words hurt him.
"Look at me."
Reluctantly, Kim looked up to meet his eyes. She noticed that his eyes were just as red and swollen as hers.
"It's not your fault."
Kim eyes snapped opened at his statement. She didn't want to hear what he had to say.
"No Ron…no…"
"It's not your fault."
"…Yes it is…" She said quietly.
"No, it's not."
"Yes it is." Kim said a bit more forcefully.
"It's not..."
"Yes it is Ron! Yes it is my fault!"
"Kim…"
"I wouldn't stop working!"
"Kim…"
"I wouldn't stop stressing!"
"Kim please…"
"You and mom warned me but I wouldn't listen!"
"Kim…"
"Monique and Felix warned me but I wouldn't listen!"
"Kim!..."
"Freakin' Bonnie warned me and that drove me more!"
"KIM!"
Kim stopped her rant but only briefly to look up at her husband.
"Stop it!"
Kim didn't respond.
"Stop it Kim! Stop blaming yourself! It's not your fault!"
"You keep saying that Ron but you know it is! You know it's my fault!"
"How so, Kim? There was a leak in the amniotic sac. How is that your fault exactly?"
"It could have been caused by stress which would cause the sac to burst!"
"But that wasn't the case…"
"How do you know?"
"Kim, it's not your fault."
"I was responsible for that baby Ron! It's gone! It's gone Ron! It's never coming back!"
"It's not your fault."
Kim suddenly had trouble breathing.
"It's not your fault."
Her tears began falling again.
"It's not your fault KP. It's not your fault." Ron's voice began to crack as his own tears began to fall down his face.
Kim grabbed Ron into a huge bear-hug. Ron held Kim just as firmly. They stayed that way for several moments crying into each other's arms.
After a while, Kim released her hold on Ron and looked him directly in the eyes.
"We should probably go to bed now. It's late."
"More like its early. It's after 6."
"I don't think I'm going to work today."
"Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna go to work either. I'll call Ned and tell him to leave the restaurant close for a few days."
"Are you sure?"
Ron gently cupped Kim's chin.
"Positive Possible." Ron said with a smile. Then he gently planted a warm kiss on her lips.
"Thank you Ron."
Ron's smile widened and he kissed her softly on her forehead.
"C'mon, we should go inside now. You look like Shego after she got her butt kicked by Mr. Sitdown a few years ago."
"Look who's talking? You look like Drakken after he got his ass wupped by Shego on Middleton Days."
With a hearty laugh, the couple went inside their house and in the living room.
"I'm gonna go take a shower now KP. You coming?"
"In a sec. I have to clean up first."
"You want me to help?"
"No thanks. You go take your shower. I'll be up soon."
As Ron went up the stairs, Kim preceded into the living room.
She went and gathered up all the magazines she had so carelessly thrown on the floor earlier. Kim paused when she picked up one magazine in particular.
Mother and Baby: 36 health secrets to keep your baby healthy
Kim caressed the medium-sized booklet in her hands for several moments before putting it with the other magazines on the glass coffee table in front of her.
As Kim got up, her leg caught on something. Kim tried to pull it out but to no avail. When Kim turned around to try and pry her leg out again, she gasped at the object that her leg was in.
To Kim and Ron
May this baby stroller provide protection for your new baby from all weather and temperatures
Wade
Kim sniffled as she thought of how her friend built and customized the stroller for them, even installing a tracking system and some technical device that allowed the stroller to maintain homeostasis.
Kim slowly extracted her leg from the special stroller and stood up to push it out of the way. Kim grasped the handle for several moments before slowly walking into the kitchen.
As Kim started to clean the counter she noticed the baby gift basket her family and friends had put together for her and Ron at her baby shower.
Kim warily walked over to the large bassinet and picked it up. She carefully ran her fingers over the bundle of items.
There was the glass baby booties Josh and Tara had gotten them. The glass baby bottles from Monique and Felix. Customized baby blankets from Wade. The paci clips and pacifiers from Ron's parents. The Baby bibs from her parents. Silk baby bodysuits from Sensei. Cozy baby pads from Mr. Smarty and an array of other gifts.
A wave of emotions suddenly swept through Kim.
Anger. Frustration. Resentment. Humiliation. Heartbroken. Distress.
Kim couldn't control herself anymore. The magazine…the stroller…the basket. The purpose of those gifts. What they were meant for. Who they were meant for. All of it raced through her mind.
Her tears came back with vengeance. Kim, so overwhelmed with emotions, let out a boisterous scream and threw the basket to the nearest wall, leaving a massive hole in the wall and the basket as well as all of the elements in it shattered.
A bolt of lightning pierced Kim's heart. She felt as if every nerve was on fire. Her tongue was suddenly dry.
"Damn! Damn! DAMN!"
Kim's knees grew weak and she collapsed to the floor. Her hand flew to her mouth as she stared at the now wasted gift basket. She felt numb as fear started to creep up her spine and across her chest. As Kim continued to sob, she began hyperventilating. Her heavy sobs choking her. Suffocating her.
Ron raced down the flight of stairs and into the kitchen. His tie was loose around his neck and his shirt was unbuttoned. He had already taken off his pants and was only clad in his boxes below the waist.
He began scanning the room. That crash he heard earlier and Kim's outcry alarmed him. He had let the water run in the bathroom and was in the process of taking off his clothes when it happened. His slacks had ripped as he was pulling it off and he fell off the bed.
Then when he heard Kim's execration, he began to panic. Without any regard in how he was dressed, Ron had raced down the stairs to look for his wife.
Ron's eyes immediately found Kim. She laid there on the kitchen floor firmly grasping her side with one hand while sobbing heavily into the other.
When Ron noticed that she was hyperventilating, he raced to her side and firmly held her. Kim collapsed into his arms, digging her nails into his back as she held onto him with everything she had.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Ron…"
"It's okay. We'll get through this Kim, we will get through," Ron whispered as he held onto her, crushing her into his chest while his own tears flowed down his face.
They stayed there on the floor, holding each other, grasping each other as they sobbed painfully into each other throughout the night.
A/N: Well, that's it everybody. And before you ask, no that last segment is not from Good Times, and yes it really did transpire. I really did throw a bassinet of expensive gifts into a wall in my house and I did curse those three four-lettered words.
This was very difficult for me to write but I'm glad that I did it. My therapist thought it would be a good way to express how I felt about the incident and to relieve the pain and anguish I still feel today. Most of everything that Kim and Ron experienced in this fic I went through personally with my family.
The blame that Kim kept putting on herself I had done on so many occasions. This baby was actually the result of a gang rape that had happened to me when I was 14 years old. Even though it was unplanned and the result of a terrible incident in my life that still haunts me, I was still looking forward to becoming a mother, in addition to being super-duper scared of course. When I lost that baby, I was devastated. I knew I was responsible for holding that baby and it died while I was in my second trimester. I never told my family about it either, because I never told them about the rapes (they did find out eventually, of course). No matter what my family, friends and my therapist keep telling me, I still feel at fault for the lost. Why? I myself do not know. But I will never forget that baby…Again, I wrote this fic about six months ago - after I lost my baby. Please forgive me if my grammar isn't completely correct or perfect. This fic came straight from my heart and often times, I'd forget that this was about Kim and Ron. Thank you all for reading and reviewing. I hope to do a better job in my future fics.
XyKPfan