A/N: This is something I decided to write as a study of who Sam is as a character, especially when it comes to the many undesirable situations he ends up in. This story will be dark and sad, and it deals with topics such as sexual assault, sexual harassment, and possession. Physical details, however, will not be paid attention to as much. It's the emotions that are the heart of the story. So nothing graphic.
Episode: 1x01 - "Pilot"
1
Jessica's death, though heartbreaking, kept Sam from thinking over what had happened with the Woman in White. Dean noticed that he was grieving longer than expected, but Sam wanted it that way. His grief was a barrier, shielding him from contemplating what had been done to him.
The thoughts laid siege to his mind, testing the strength of the barrier, but never breaking through… until one day there was a crack from the inside; Dean. Dean had caused the abhorrent thoughts to flow forth in a tidal wave. He had once again urged Sam to move on, to actually get laid for goddamn once. And that's all it took.
Memories of that night burned in his mind. There was no escaping the images of Constance climbing on top of him, straddling him, her ghostly body cold even through his layers of clothing. Maybe most men would feel genuine desire from having such a beautiful looking woman grinding against them, but it had turned Sam's stomach. He hadn't wanted her to touch him in such a way. He had tried to keep his body under control, but it was no use. Somewhere in his head he knew it wasn't his fault. However, that didn't change the fact that Constance had judged his unwelcome physical reaction as an act of unfaithfulness. And that's what it'd felt like. It felt like he'd been forced to betray Jess, the woman who he'd been prepared to spend the rest of his life with.
Sam knew the best thing to do would be to work through how he felt about that night; he just didn't know how. His thoughts were too conflicting.
It was his fault.
It wasn't his fault.
He'd cheated on Jess.
He'd been… he didn't even want to think the word.
The hunting life helped him push the chaos to the side to be dealt with later. And when would later be? Most likely never. Sam was too uncomfortable to want to delve into those thoughts and feelings again. So he hunted, he made himself forget about it. He told himself he was okay. He had to be.