Title: To Walk Away
Genre: Drama/Romance
Rating: R/M
Warnings: unbetaed, swearing, slash boy-to-boy sex (non-graphic). So don't read if you don't like. And this is a songfic.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters here. The goddess J.K Rowling does. There is no profit being made in writing or uploading this story. Also, the lyrics of the song used here is not mine. It's Broken Strings by James Morrison feat. Nelly Furtado.
Author's Note: It's been a long time since I made a story, so, please be gentle with me. If any of you readers just want to flame me, please don't. I just wrote this because I miss writing and I promised a sequel, though this is not really a sequel, for Back to Where We Started. This is actually a prequel/companion fic to it in Harry's POV.
Read and review! Enjoy!
To Walk Away
by
xianora
I lie here in our bed as I look at him. He's so beautiful, and until now I can't explain how come he was saddled with someone like me when he can have someone more. Someone who can understand him more, who can love him more; I can't understand why he chose me.
Let me hold you
For the last time
It's last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything
I'm so scared to reach out to him and touch him; so scared that when I touch him, he will vanish and I will finally realize that all this is a dream, all a very elaborate dream.
I love him so much. And yet, lately, I was slowly realizing that I loved him a little less than I did before.
x
"Do you really want this, Harry?" Hermione asked as she handed me the completely developed potion.
"Yes, I do, Hermione. I've wanted this for too long," I answered, taking hold of the vial. I'm determined to go through this. I waited for this for almost seven years and if Draco doesn't want it, well…
"What about Draco?" Hermione inquired; her face the picture of concern. She had been worried about Draco and me ever since we started fighting a year ago because of this very topic.
"He says he's still not ready and that he's scared. But, damn it, Hermione! If he doesn't want to believe our friends that he can do this, then he should at least believe me!" I replied, almost shouting because of the extent of my emotions.
Hermione placed a gentle hand on my shoulder in an attempt to calm me and squeezed it. "But, you have to understand, Harry—"
Scowling, I interrupted what my female best friend was about to say. "I tried to understand him for seven years. I tried to be patient with him and do everything I can for him, to make him happy. Can't he even give this to me? This is all I ever wanted, Hermione," I said. "I love him and I'll only ever want this with him. But… And lately, our marriage has been strained and I just can't take it anymore."
Hermione gathered me in her arms and comforted me the best she could. She didn't know what to do herself. I am her best friend, and she knows that all I wanted is to have a family with the person I love. But, she has also grown close to Draco, no matter the sarcastic and biting attitude, and she knows that he's scared that he will be like his father—that he's scared to have a child.
Draco loves me; everyone can see that, even if most of them were suspicious of him once. He's ready to give anything I ever wanted—except this, apparently.
"I have to go home now. Thank you for this, Hermione," I said as I pulled away. "Go home to your husband; he's waiting."
I gave my best friend a smile before finally letting go and waving at Hermione, finally disappearing with a crack.
x
I got up and went for my dressing robe. I really can't sleep tonight because my conscience has been bugging me. I know what I did was not essentially wrong. We're married, for goodness' sake! It's just that I didn't inform Draco that I was doing this. I'm sure he'll go ballistic once I tell him about this. But I can't decide if I should tell him or not.
Standing by the window, I look at the street below. Everything was silent save for the occasional wind that comes, making the branches of the trees along the street dance.
I wish everything was as simple as before. We love each other and that was that. I was so idealistic then. I thought we can face any and every problem that comes our way. I thought that I will still love him no matter what and my feelings, love and passion for him will never diminish.
When I love you
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
Now I'm speaking
It's the voice of someone else
I still love him. But this, the way I feel now isn't the same as before when we started going out and when we married. It feels like I'm back in Hogwarts and I want to scream obscenities to him because he keeps on antagonizing me.
We don't really want to hurt each other, I know. But I guess it's too late for that now.
x
"Well, Hermione and the team have finally developed the potion…"
"Harry, just—can't we, I don't know-- wait? Just for another year. Please?" Draco pleaded with me as he held my hand wishing for me to understand.
"You keep on saying that, year after year! How long do we have to wait? You're ready for this, Draco. You're just scared. Please listen to me if not to anyone else. You can do this!" I pleaded back to him.
It has been an on-going discussion for a while now. I want to have children and Draco keeps saying he's not ready—saying he'll hurt them because he doesn't know how to be a father.
"I don't want to be like him, Harry. You have to understand."
I shook my head stubbornly. "I understand, Draco. And you don't have to be like him! You have his looks but, other than that, you are not remotely like him. You'll be a good father, I just know it."
"Just another year, Harry. Just this last year, I promise," he caressed my jaws with his large hands willing for me to agree with him and wait for just a while longer. Much longer.
I swatted his hands from my face and scowled at him. "You keep on promising that. 'Another year, another year. Wait for another year.' Well, I have waited long enough, Draco, and I'm tired of waiting. I want to have children, now!"
"Harry, you are not getting me here. If you'll just understa—," he started reasoning with me again. Well, I'm tired of his reasoning.
"Enough, Draco. I've had enough of your half-assed explanations of you not being ready. I tried to understand you, Draco—for almost seven years. I tried to wait for you to be ready because I love you but this is getting ridiculous!"
Draco scowled back at me now; his temper rising and his silver eyes burning. "I can't even begin to comprehend why you want a child when you know that both of us don't have any idea how to rear one. If you want a child so much then why didn't you marry that ginger shrew Weaselette from the start? Why are you here, punishing yourself by being with me?"
Oh, it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough
To make it all okay
"Oh, fine. You want me to leave? Then I'll leave, you bastard," I couldn't help the tears that bloomed at my eyes that time. I clenched my fist as my lips trembled from keeping the tears from falling. It was just so overwhelming, all of it. I just couldn't take it anymore. "I won't have you insulting my friends—and—and I'll leave!"
Draco's eyes widened in panic and disbelief at the words that I just said. He reached out for me, grasping both of my arms as he tried to stop me from leaving the room, and eventually, him.
"No! No, please! I didn't just say that! Forget I said anything. I didn't mean it! Please, don't leave, Harry, don't leave. I love you, don't leave," Draco started chanting as he tried to pull me closer to him, attempting to embrace me.
"Let me go! You meant that! You and I both know you meant that. Fuck you!" I hit his chest in an effort to push him away. I couldn't do this anymore. "I'm tired, Draco! Damn it! I'm fucking tired! I'm tired of fighting, of you—I'm bloody fucking tired of us! I can't do this anymore! If you think me leaving will solve and stop all this fucking fighting, then I'll leave!" He finally let go of me after an unexpected burst of strength came upon me and he fell on the bed.
"Maybe we'll both be happy." I turned my back and went straight for the dresser to retrieve all of my clothing. I need to leave. I really need to. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't want to hurt both of us anymore.
Draco's strong arms surrounded me the next moment and my resolve failed. I collapse against him and sobbed for all I was worth. "I love you, Draco. I love you so much, but this isn't working anymore."
"I know," he kissed my messy locks, then my ear, then my neck, "and I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I swear. I'm sorry. Don't leave me, please. I love you."
x
I sigh as I hug myself tightly. I want to cry, oh how I want to cry. But I just feel so tired now, tired of everything.
He says he's sorry. Draco keeps on saying that and now, I can't decide if he really means it every time.
Draco says he loves me, but how true is that? I haven't felt the truth in those words for a long time already and the memories of the time from when we always said those three words to each other and always knew that we meant them was long lost. Thinking about them, it feels like from another world entirely, another time, another place. It was like the memories of a totally different person.
I want to find my way back to being that person again. A person who loves Draco unconditionally, a person who is happy whatever happens as long as he is with Draco, a person whose entire world revolves around Draco.
You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
I feel so different now.
And I feel so cold and hollow.
x
I turned around to face Draco and place a hand on his chest, on top of where his heartbeats are situated. I inhale his unique scent, a scent that gave me incomparable peace before, but left me empty now.
Looking at his face, I see pain in his gray eyes as reflected on mine.
"I'm sorry, Harry," he whispered as his lips brushed mine, making me shiver and close my eyes reveling in the closeness I haven't felt for so long.
I swallow thickly, trying to prevent my tears from falling. "You always are."
Oh, the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give any more?
When I love you a little less than before
"Shh…Don't cry. I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you." I heard him say before he kissed me, his tongue swiping across my lips, asking for entrance that I always willingly give him.
It was always like this for the past several weeks. Wake up. Shower. Have breakfast. Fight. Storm off to work. Think. Go home. Fight more. Have dinner. Fight again. Make up. Prepare for bed. Have make-up sex.
I admit I was getting tired of it but I couldn't do anything. This is how things between us ended up nowadays. And the act was not about love anymore; it's about saying sorry and making up for mistakes.
I really couldn't decide if that is a good or a bad thing.
I broke the kiss slowly, trying to catch my breath so I can speak to Draco. This couldn't continue anymore. This—monotony our lives have become is so unbearable.
"Draco," but he fastened his lips on mine yet again, intent on making me forget about the earlier fight. My hands clenched on the material of his shirt as I gave in.
Maybe I can do this one more time. Just one more time…
Draco's strong arms encircled my waist and pulled me closer to him. I break a little more as we finally lose ourselves to our growing passion. He urged me to walk backwards towards our bed as we strove to rid ourselves of all the barriers separating us from each other—the clothes, the walls, the anger, the coldness, the hollow feelings.
Just let us be one being tonight, Draco and I. Just let me pretend that I still love him as much as I did before.
Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us
I kiss him feverishly, my hands roving and finally sinking into the silky feeling of his blonde locks. Falling back onto the bed as I felt it behind my knees, I pull him on top of me, relishing the feeling of being here with him and not thinking of the things that are slowly destroying us.
"I love you," Draco says, caressing my face and kissing my reverently on my forehead. I let out a small sob, pulling him down for more. No, I don't want any words; I don't want to hear any of it. Just let me feel.
Please…
Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late
I pull him down to kiss him again, softly this time. It was then that I realized that I'm totally lost and I don't know what to do about it but love him with what's left of me. "Please, love me. Please," I started to murmur unconsciously as I desperately clawed him.
Draco kissed a path down my neck to my shoulder to my chest. He looked up to me and I drown in the intensity of the feelings swirling in his silver orbs. I'm swept away by the things I see in his eyes. After so many years, so may fights and spats, so many smiles and laughter and tears, it was still the future that I see in his eyes.
How I wish it was still the future that I wanted.
Oh, it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough
To make it all okay
He pulled down the last of my clothing, making me gasp and throw my head back because of the increase in pleasure. Every and all coherent thought left me then and there, when his wet, hot mouth surrounded me. All I could do is pant and clench my hands over the sheets of our bed.
Draco's mouth released me then licked a path up the shaft, preventing me from catching my breath. I released the sheets and clutched at his hair instead. They were always so soft, like water running through my fingers.
He started kissing the inside of my thighs, lower and lower, to my feet. He even kissed my toes, one by one. My husband kissed his way up to my abdomen, then to my chest again, to my arms and to my fingertips.
It was like he was worshiping me, loving me with every touch of his lips and it takes my breath away. It was so long since I felt this feeling and it was like I was falling in love with him all over again, the way I have felt everyday in my life from before.
You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
It made me feel guilty, my conscience screaming at me for not stopping him before this happens. But I couldn't bring myself to speak—to stop him—to stop this feeling, this wonderful, wonderful feeling.
Feeling his lips against mine again, I lean up to respond to the kiss. Just let me have this. Please.
"I love you, I love you…" he whispers again and again as if making sure that those words will make a brand on my flesh.
I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't know if I should tell him that I love him back. I didn't know so many things anymore, and it makes me hurt him—us.
"Love me…" was all that I gave him as a reply. He then proceeded to prepare me carefully and slowly, the way he did during our first time together. It made me want to cry.
When he was done, he looked at me again, looked at me for what felt like forever before smiling that boyish smile. I reached out, gently touching his face with both of my hands, making sure that he's real with me—that he's really with me.
Then, that time, looking at his face and his eyes, and all the things I loved about him, all the anger, hate and resentment that I felt for him and for his fear of being a father felt like eons away. It was only us and this heat, this passion, this love.
I stopped breathing and I tried to relax as he slowly entered me, the slight burn making me gasp softly. This is it, but I can't tell him.
"God, yes," I heard said, but I wasn't sure who it came from. I couldn't concentrate anymore. Everything was all just a blurry of movement and sounds—thrusts, kisses, licks, bites—moans, sighs and gasps. It was all mixed up—my breath and his, the sounds that I make were drowned by him.
The two of us are different this time, different from all the other times that we made up, different in a way that threatened to overwhelm me from inside out.
No, I can't. "I love you," I whispered almost inaudibly to his ear as I held onto him, our climax coming to us as one, "and I'm sorry."
Draco held me tighter and kissed my neck as he fought to catch his breath.
Well, the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give any more?
When I love you a little less than before
I can't.
x
"Harry?" I hear Draco say, his voice muffled with sleep. I turn my head to look at him and am amazed by his sheer beauty. One that I know I'm going to destroy. "Where are you?" He asks as he pats the space I was supposed to be lying on. I walk back to the bed and touch his back to let him know I'm there.
Draco jumps from where he was seated, probably startled with my touch. "I thought—I thought you had left," he says. He turns around and reaches out to touch my hand and pull me towards him but I choose to remain standing.
I have to tell him this. I don't want to hurt both of us anymore.
But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late
"Draco," I say softly, my eyes never leaving his. "I—"
He cocks his head to the side and looks at me curiously, his gray eyes so soft that I almost break.
My words leave me at that moment, so caught up at staring at him and wondering if this is what was supposed to happen—wondering if his is what I really want.
I open my mouth again to try and say those awful words running through my head as I was gazing outside just minutes before.
I have to do this. I'm sorry, Draco, I thought, and my resolve hardens. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.
"Draco," I try again, "I have to leave."
"Okay," he replies. "Where to? What time are you going to come home?" He holds both of my hands in his large ones before kissing them both. I tremble.
"I'm not going to come home. I'm leaving."
You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
His body tenses, his hold on my hands tightening. It's like he isn't even breathing as he looked at me with this great disbelief in his eyes. I can't say anything anymore as I hold his gaze, determined to do this once and for all. "I'm sorry, but I have to."
He opens and closes his mouth a few times; trying to reign himself and find the words he wants to say. "W-What? NO! You can't leave! I thought—I—we were already okay last night. Why do you have to leave?"
"You're okay, already. I don't know if I am," I say to him, tearing him and myself a little more. "I have to pack…and think. Can you—," I don't have anything to say anymore. I feel so, so tired.
I look down at our still clasped hands, the warmth of the hold making me want to break down. But I have to do this.
"Why?"
"We're not happy anymore, Draco. We haven't been for the longest time," I say as tears start to fall from my eyes. "I'm sorry to do this to you. But—I'm tired and I don't want to hurt you anymore. I've had enough."
"But we can work this out. We always had, Harry. Let's just—just talk to me for a second, okay? We can fix this. We can," Draco murmurs urgently as he let go of my hands and took my face instead, placing my forehead against his, making my tears fall down faster. "Please."
He's crying now, and I want to make everything okay for him, everything to work out between us to stop him from crying. But, that's it—I want it, but I can't do it.
"I can't stand it anymore, Draco. I can't stand the fights and the silence between us that follows after. It's the silence, Draco. It's the silence that tells it all," I close my eyes for a moment and then open them to look at him, to make him see and understand what I'm saying and those things that I can't say.
"Sometimes—sometimes it's not about the yelling and the tears. All it takes is for two people—us—to sit beside each other and feel that something is wrong, that what was there before isn't there anymore," I swallow against my tears, finding the right words to say to him. Our world is slowly crumbling down around us and it hurts that he didn't even know. "T—to realize that we're miserable when we're apart, but we're much worse when we're together and fighting and not talking. In these few weeks that I have been thinking, I finally understood that there are only two options left. Either we sit still and ignore the pain, or one of us gathers enough courage to stand up and walk away."
I clutch his hands that framed my face and slowly released myself and take a step back…away from him—from everything. "I choose to walk away."
Well, the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give any more?
When I love you a little less than before
He just keeps on looking at me, his mouth open as if he can't believe what I'm saying. Several moments later, he stands up, turns his back to me and exited our room.
I've never felt so alone. I hope I'm doing the right thing.
x
I'm almost finished packing some of my belongings when I pause and turn to the drawer in our bedside table. I open it and look at the content inside: a lone picture frame, with an animated photo inside.
The picture was taken when we weren't looking or paying attention to my friends, just lost in our own little world. It was taken the time Draco first said that he loves me.
I pull the frame close to me, closing my eyes as I struggle to think yet again. Am I doing the right thing? I place the photo on top of my clothes before zipping the bag closed.
It's time for me to leave.
x
He's just sitting there, looking in from of him sightlessly. The television is on and a talk show is present on the screen. Draco's just sitting held, immobile and silent.
"Draco…" my voice cracks as I call out to him. This is wrong. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, but this is wrong.
"Yes?"
His voice is thick. I gaze at him silently, wishing he would look up and stop me or cry or anything. Just not this silence. I hate this silence.
"I'm finished packing," I speak quietly, hesitating before stepping forward, closer to Draco.
"You are," was all that he said, his voice feeling so empty and cold.
"Yes, I am."
He doesn't speak a word, just staring ahead in front of him, silent. My determination to leave falter. My mind and heart is warring; they are tearing my soul up.
"Draco…" God, I don't want to do this anymore. What do I have to do to stop both of us from hurting each other? What?
"Hmm…"
I take a deep breath and look at his stationary for beseechingly. "Give me a reason to stay."
His eyes widen fractionally before looking up at me, his mouth slightly open.
We looked on silently, our breaths coming out in pants. I can see him thinking, numerous emotions running through his eyes.
Why do I ask him to give me a reason to stay? I gaze down at my shoes trying but failing to find the answer in my head.
I want to stay. I want to stay and love him forever. But…
He looks down at the carpet and end our staring match, his voice barely above a whisper. "Why would I?"
Then the tears came again. I can't stop them. I place a hand on my lips to prevent a sob from escaping. He wants me to leave, then. He believes this really is the end.
I close my eyes briefly. Good, I thought. Then I'm doing the right thing.
We're both in pain and we know it. And maybe, this was the way it was supposed to be.
"Why wouldn't you?" I ask him, my voice harsh in its tenacity. All the pain and anger and hate crashing to me, making me crumble beneath them.
"Why would I give you a reason to stay when I can see that half of you want to go and leave? Harry…you wouldn't ask me for a reason to stay if you really wanted to. And who am I to ask you to stay, anyway?"
Who is he? Who is he?! "You're my husband. My spouse of seven years." I answer giving him a look of disbelief and betrayal.
I know I told him that I will leave and never return again. But…it's as if he really wants me to leave. God, the pain…
Just…one last chance. One last question and we're done. "Draco? Do you want me to stay?" My words were so laced with my pain that I can almost taste the bitterness of it.
"I…I…" He fought to find the words he wants to say. And Merlin, do I wish I never heard it.
"I don't know."
I struggle for composure, trying to breathe through my tears and the cold, hollow feeling threatening to swallow me whole. I need to leave. I need to leave NOW. "I'm leaving."
He trains his gray eyes on me once again. I look at those orbs and I can almost make myself believe that they were pleading me to stay.
I haul up my bag and cross the short distance from where I was standing to the door. I opened the door and convinced myself to step out of our flat, never to look back and never to return, and that was when I hear him speak again. "Harry…"
I freeze but didn't make any move to face him.
"I'm sorry…and I want you to know…I-I want to tell you—that I—I'm still in love with you."
I look at Draco again my eyes wide, tears swimming in them. Then I look at him sorrowfully. This just isn't done. It's not enough anymore. I smile at him, and then shake my head. It's too late.
Let me hold you
For the last time
It's last chance to feel again
I close the door gently but I feel like the sound echoed in the empty hallway, my ears ringing. Then, it was silence again, the long hated silence. I can't stop myself from breaking down and from tearing myself up.
I thought we would always, always be together. But I guess I should stop creating an illusion.
He's not mine anymore…
…I gave him up…and I lost him.
Author's Note: I know it's kinda crap. I just want to write and upload as soon as possible. Again, please no flames. I can take constructive criticisms, though. I know I have grammar mistakes although I tried my best to edit them and correct them already... and you are free to point them out. Just let me know what you guys think! Review! Thanks!
xianora