There were days Shiro realized how pathetic he was. How truly low he had fallen. The day Keith left to fully join the Blades was one such day. The day Keith almost sacrificed himself to save them all at the battle of Naxzela was the worst of them.
It shred his heart to pieces letting Keith leave the team, even if Shiro could understand it was what he needed. He understood Keith's struggle of not feeling he belonged. There were some days Shiro painfully understood the feeling.
He wished more than anything he could give Keith the answers he needed. He hated to admit Keith would be more likely to find those answers with the Blade of Marmora.
It made bile rise in his throat thinking of the dangers he faced dealing with the Galra as intimately as the Blades did. Shiro knew just how often Keith found himself on a Galra cruiser. Nothing could terrify Shiro as much as that. So he thought. Nazxela shattered his control over his feelings. Keith had nearly sacrificed his life. Tried to. Shiro only had Lotor of all people to thank for Keith still being alive.
Whether or not he believed Lotor to be sincere, he'd saved Keith's life and Shiro could not feel anything but immense gratitude. His world had almost shattered in a way he knew would not have been fixed. Keith was irreplaceable. Shiro needed him.
Cue Shiro's shame and embarrassment. He couldn't focus. Barely ten minutes passed without Keith occupying his thoughts at least once. Sometimes his thoughts were anything but friendly. Certainly nothing even close to chaste. He knew it was...unsuitable to think of Keith the way he did. Impossible desires. Inappropriate. Selfish.
Fucking stupid. When they'd met the Blades he'd been introduced to the truth of Keith's feelings for him.
Brother.
He was a brother to the young man he stupidly fell in love with. Shiro could punch himself for the idiocy of jeopardizing his relationship with Keith the way he had, but it hadn't been in his control for one minute.
Keith was inevitable. He was everything. He was the last thought on Shiro's mind at the end of the day, the first thought at the beginning. Keith was the name on his lips at the height of emotion, of pain, of pleasure. He had a foot in the door of every aspect in Shiro's life.
When he worried, Keith was in his mind. When he was filled with joy it was always directly linked to Keith. Shiro felt pride at his every accomplishment and pain at every tragedy. But nothing could compare to the hollow feeling in Shiro's chest after today.
Keith nearly died. Shiro was within seconds of having to endure life without Keith in it. He wasn't sure how he would have managed, and he wasn't sure he'd ever felt such staggering relief as he did at not having to find out.
Shiro nearly collapsed from it when they'd returned to the Castle of Lions. Seeing Keith mere feet in front of him, grumpy and tired and breathing, had shattered his control. He hadn't even realized he'd crushed Keith to his chest in a desperate search of comfort until Keith's startled grunt was muffled in his shoulder.
He'd held Keith in his arms for minutes longer than appropriate, but Keith arms had been around him as well, gripping just as tightly. He hadn't let go until Coran had entered the room.
He'd run off like a coward after the "meeting" the team had with Lotor. He was the Black Paladin again. The head of Voltron. Team Leader. Shiro knew how irresponsible it was to hide in his room at a crucial time like this, a time when the team would surely appreciate if not need him around, but he just couldn't stop shaking.
Those minutes of holding Keith might as well have been seconds. Shiro looked down at his shaking hands and sighed. Keith was alive, safe, and home. He just had to repeat that mantra in his head until his body got the message.
The battle was over. They had a brief reprieve to recover from the stress of the day and prepare for whatever came next. They had Zarkon and Haggar to worry about, Lotor in close proximity needing to be monitored, and repairs to be made. This was no time for him to be absent from the team tending to his fears.
And yet he couldn't bring himself to move.
He owed Coran big. If he hadn't interrupted Shiro and Keith's reunion he might have much more to explain than an abnormally long hug. The urge to grip the back of Keith's neck and kiss him hard had been unbearable. To lick into Keith's mouth and run his other hand down his back to grip at his waist. Shiro might have done it. He trembled at the thought of what that might have ruined.
He couldn't imagine trying to explain that. How violated would Keith have felt knowing these feelings Shiro was too nervous to confess? His jaw clenched and all of his muscles tightened uncomfortably. He was too attached. These feelings were not mutual and he needed to be bigger than them.
He might be at rock bottom, unable to crawl his way out of the pit he'd fallen into, but that could never be known to Keith.
He loved Keith too much, far too much, to let this ardor and affection undo the friendship and familial stability they had. They both depended on it, possibly even the whole of the team depended on it to some small degree, and he couldn't possibly be selfish enough to risk that for all of them.
He had to be bigger than his own selfish desires. Shiro was sure he could be. He'd made it this far without blundering this. He just needed a little more time to collect himself and he was sure his limbs would stop shaking, that his heart would return to a normal pace. He hoped. They couldn't afford this causing problems between the team. Things were too dire right now for Shiro to put his focus on this.
So why were the only thoughts in his head still "Keith is alive" and molding his mouth and body to Keith's own until this shaking subsided?
Shiro had discipline. Shiro was responsible and reliable and could not do this right now.
He'd gotten that particular mantra through his head almost a dozen times before there was a knock at his door. And while Keith's voice did in fact soothe his shaking limbs, hearing him ask to come in sent his heart racing even harder.
"Shiro please. Let me in?" The tone of Keith's voice was nervous and small. Shiro felt guilt prickle at him for ever causing that trepidation and worry in Keith. He focused his breathing and gripped the bed tightly for thirty seconds before standing on weary legs. He could feel the anxiety clench his muscles and hunch his shoulders.
He must have looked as bad as he felt too for the wide-eyed stare he opened the door to. Keith instantly clasped his hands on his shoulders and Shiro felt them tense even farther.
"Shiro..." Keith gently nudged him back into the room and shut the door. They sat together on the bed, side by side, and Shiro's breath left him in a shaky exhale.
Keith connected the hands between them and interlocked their fingers. Their shoulders touched and Keith turned his head slightly to watch him. Shiro felt even worse under his scrutiny.
Keith said nothing for several minutes, content to hold his hand and watch Shiro breathe.
He blanked on what to say. Shiro opened his mouth to start several times but each time he lost the nerve to start any conversation. He had nothing appropriate to say. He could only think of his own selfish temptations. He hung his head and exhaled slowly. His breath still shook more than he knew was his norm. He could feel Keith's worry without even having to look over at him.
He was always exuding this air of confidence to hide the nervousness beneath. His anxiety had peaked with Naxzela, and unlike normal he simply could not relieve himself of it.
Keith's voice was soft when he spoke. "We've been through so much together Shiro. Talk to me." It was not a demand, but a request for whatever he could give. Shiro could hear it in Keith's voice that he would give him time if he needed it.
But that was the problem wasn't it? The issue at hand wouldn't go away with breathing exercises. Keith could sit and wait all night, but Shiro had no answer to give.
The problem wasn't about battle strategies or diplomacy. Keith was expecting a "today was rough" or "we made good progress today". The truth was that it wasn't about the war at all.
I nearly lost everything today. You were seconds from dying. The hell on Naxzela was nothing compared to those seconds I thought there was nothing I could do but suffer your death.
I need you to stay beside me until my hands stop shaking. I want to hold you. I want to kiss you.
I love you Keith.
There was nothing Shiro could say to him. He had no awareness of the universe beyond the room. Keith's hand in his was his anchor and salvation, but Shiro could not tell him as such without risking everything. He shook his head of the confessions he was not reckless enough to get out and gripped Keith tight.
They waited several more minutes, maybe ten or twenty, before Keith finally lost his patience. Shiro would have bet money on Keith repeating "patience yields focus" the entire time.
"I don't think Coran could get more loose-lipped even if drunk. Lance and Allura have been speculating about the hug earlier from all the commentary Coran had on it. Pidge and Hunk held out for a few minutes before joining in." There was a smile in Keith's voice that put Shiro at ease. The mood in the room was heavy but it wasn't dark. Keith relaxed his posture on the bed beside Shiro and chuckled.
Shiro would take this moment to the grave with him. Keith's grip was everything and for a moment Shiro's rigid posture broke.
"I don't think I'd want to see Coran drunk. The slipperies were bad enough." Keith shuddered next to him and quietly agreed. They shared a soft laugh and kept a gentle grip on each other's hand. It was everything. Shiro would have given up ever seeing Earth again for a lifetime of this in a heartbeat.
How far he'd fallen for this man.
"Shiro." Keith's voice was still soft, but there was a resolution to it Shiro admired even if it sent him tensing again. He made a noise of acknowledgement and pursed his lips while he waited for Keith to voice whatever concern had him tightly grip his hand.
His breath stopped as Keith started to speak. "The hug earlier was exactly what Coran thought it was...wasn't it?" Shiro choked on his spit and coughed. Keith refused to let go of his hand, so he covered his face with the other and turned his head away. Keith's gaze was fire and he was already overheated.
He took a deep breath and shook his head. How much did he have to admit to with that? "I was so relieved Keith, you...you were alive and I...was glad. Am glad." Shiro squeezed Keith's hand and willed his heart to stop racing. He couldn't let this fall apart.
Keith was silent for too long. Shiro swallowed with difficulty and muttered a shaky "How are you holding up?" but Keith might as well have not heard him. He sat beside Shiro for what seemed like an eternity before leaning over to rest his head on Shiro's shoulder.
Shiro nearly sighed in relief as Keith hummed a soft "Great".
"I've struggled with wanting to hold each other like that for a while Shiro. Coran wasn't the only one who thought it was more than friendly concern." Shiro sputtered and choked again as Keith buried his face in Shiro's shoulder.
"Wasn't it...more than that?" Shiro gasped in short breaths, his grip tight on Keith's hand and face completely flushed. His heart was pounding.
Keith sat up straight and turned completely to face him. Shiro burned with desires, so many different damnable powerful desires for this man, and covered his eyes again when they started to water.
He couldn't keep his voice steady and gave away every little feeling with it. "Kei-th...you, this, I-" Keith hushed him and pressed himself fully against Shiro's side. His entire body hummed with pleasure at the touch.
"When we met the Blades...I watched you go through those trials, you-" His voice broke and the tears fell down his face to drip off of his chin. He quaked at Keith's soft touch to his face, wiping the tears away.
"You said brother, but-I...Keith, my feelings aren't-" He heard Keith's breath stutter and finally broke the unspoken rule of not looking at him. Shiro melted and even dared to hope at the damned joy on Keith's face.
Keith smiled and gave a wet laugh as he climbed into Shiro's lap. One of his hands cupped the side of Shiro's face and Keith's wet eyes wounded Shiro in wonderful ways he couldn't name. His other arm wrapped around Shiro's neck and gripped his shoulder tightly.
"Shiro, fucking kiss me." Shiro wound his arms around Keith to grip both his upper back and his ass. He tugged Keith up to his mouth and kissed him as ordered. It was hard and desperate and Shiro couldn't think anymore. He slanted his mouth over Keith's and growled when Keith pressed right back against him.
He couldn't believe Keith let him. Shiro dragged his tongue across Keith's lips, groaning when Keith opened to him and met his tongue with his own. He gripped Keith hard, pressing their bodies fully together as he devoured Keith's mouth, swallowing every soft groan and grunt he offered.
Keith dug his fingers into Shiro's shoulder and trembled against his chest. His legs quaked atop Shiro's lap and he fell all the harder for it.
Shiro was lost to this man.
He kissed Keith again, again, again. He changed the angle, he moved the hand on Keith's back to grip the hair at the back of his neck to tilt his head. The other gripped his ass even harder, pulling Keith's groin to his own and groaned at the pressure.
Keith panted against his mouth and continued to tremble on his lap. Shiro pulled away mere inches before Keith snarled and yanked him back.
Keith sat up straighter and pushed himself up to put himself just above Shiro. He gripped Shiro's hips with his thighs and moved both hands to grip Shiro's neck, tilted his head back and dove down to lay claim to his mouth.
Shiro moaned at the proof of how badly Keith also wanted this. He wrapped his arms around Keith's waist and pressed against him, groaning deep with approval against Keith's mouth and relishing his kiss.
They fell back onto the bed and Keith parted enough to look down at him without putting any space between their bodies. Keith ground hard against Shiro's groin and he was lost. He held Keith firmly against him as he groaned and threw his head back. He pressed back against each roll of Keith's hips and lost himself to the emotion in Keith's eyes.
"Shiro. Damn. Shiro..." He watched, mesmerized, by every twist of Keith's features as he rode Shiro hard.
The moment was too perfect to change anything. He met every thrust with his arms firmly around Keith and groaned his pleasure freely. Keith's eyes watered above him, Shiro's name escaping his lips in panted breaths.
Keith was alive, he was safe, he was Shiro's to touch and kiss and Shiro trembled with love for him. He tugged Keith down against him. Keith pressed firm, open-mouthed kisses against his jaw and he grunted. He felt the muscles in his legs and stomach quiver and he couldn't help the loud, deep groan that left him as Keith nibbled.
"I love you. Keith. Love you. Love you." Shiro tugged Keith's head up and kissed him through the choked breaths and silent groans as his eyes rolled back and jaw dropped. Shiro gripped his hips and helped him through his peak with slow hard rolls that pushed Shiro over the edge with him.
Shiro groaned softly, pushing more gently against Keith and riding out the pleasure. Keith's breathing was short and his face was flushed. His eyes were full of his tears, but Shiro had never seen him smile so earnestly.
Keith rested his forehead against Shiro's and pressed gentle, loving kisses to his mouth. Shiro felt boneless as his body pulsed, and he reached up to caress the back of Keith's neck.
They kissed slowly, wonderfully, and the world righted itself. He pulled away to look at Keith and was done in by his smile. Shiro cupped both sides of Keith's face and just looked.
He hoped that's what he looked like whenever Keith caught him staring. There was love so openly displayed in his expression he honestly thought he might have fallen asleep. Shiro laughed softly and kissed him softly, taking his time and enjoying his lover. Keith was smiling and laughing and vibrant. He kissed back. He cuddled back. When Shiro ran a hand lazily up and down his back his eyes drooped and he moaned so very softly. Shiro was immeasurably pleased by all of it.
"Love you." The blush on Keith's face and vulnerable but happy look in his eyes was something Shiro would take with him for every minute of his life. Keith pressed gentle kisses to the corner of his mouth and Shiro buried his face in Keith's hair.
"Not...not like a brother. Idiot." Shiro chuckled and nodded, breathing him in deep and sighing contentedly. They'd have so much to deal with outside the room, in the morning, so much to sort through and so much more difficulty to go through.
The universe would be the priority tomorrow. They had so much to either explain or hide, but not one second of their time alone together would be wasted by it.
This time was theirs. Shiro was damned if he would waste one minute of it. He nuzzled Keith lovingly and his heart beat faster at the prospect of actually falling asleep beside him, with him. Holding him all night and kissing him at leisure.
Nothing made Shiro happier than Keith smiling, laughing, enjoying life. In his arms no less.
Although he couldn't resist the urge to see just how red his lover could get with this new intimacy between them, and where it would lead. The grin spread on his face before he could help it.
"You were repeating patience yields focus in your head earlier weren't you-oof!" The bruise was so worth the squawk and look on his face. Shiro laughed and set to work kissing the frown off Keith's face.