A/N: Okay, so I know I should probably be updating my other story, Hands (check it out!), instead, but this idea popped into my head last week and I haven't been able to get it out. This chapter is pretty angsty, but don't worry, the next one will include smut and a happy ending :). So give it a try and let me know what you think! And I will be updating Hands soon as well, for those of you who are awesome enough to be following it!
The Break - Part I
The idea had been banging around in Blaine's head all summer, and try as he might, he couldn't shake it. He knew that it was a conversation he and Kurt needed to have, but he had been avoiding it, mostly because the thought of how it might end made him feel like his whole world was coming crashing down around him. But it was the right thing to do, and he knew that he owed it to Kurt to at least bring it up, to make sure that Kurt knew all of his options.
He and Kurt were headed to NYU in a week, ready to start a new, fabulous life together in New York City. They had spent the entire summer talking about the Broadway shows they would see, the museums they would visit, the coffeehouses they would become regulars at. It was a dream come true, and they could hardly contain their excitement. College. New York. And best of all, the two of them together.
It was that last bit that had been nagging at Blaine all summer. Because while he literally could not imagine anything he wanted more than to spend the next four years of his life frolicking around New York with his boyfriend, he worried that perhaps that would not be enough for Kurt. After all, New York City had been Kurt's dream first, before he even knew Blaine. He deserved to get the full experience, to shine as brightly as possible in an environment that would finally accept him for who he was. He should be starting fashion trends, scoring leading roles, making new friends - friends that he actually had a lot in common with. Blaine wanted all of this for Kurt, and he was afraid that if they stayed together, he would hold Kurt back, and Kurt would grow to resent him for it. After all, how could Kurt be expected to reach his full potential if he always had his high school boyfriend (from Ohio, no less) tagging along? Of course, the thought of letting Kurt go made Blaine's heart ache, which was precisely why he had spent all summer avoiding the topic. But he knew he was being selfish, and with one week to go, he decided it was time to suck it up and talk to Kurt.
They had been together all day, and Blaine had spent most of it feeling nauseous and trying to prepare himself for what he was about to do. Every time he was on the verge of opening his mouth, Kurt would do something sweet or adorable, and Blaine's heart would ache so much with love for his boyfriend that the thought of suggesting they end things, even temporarily, was too much to bear. But now it seemed the time had finally come - they were curled up on Blaine's couch in silence, simply enjoying each other's presence, as they often did. Kurt was leaning back against Blaine's chest, flipping through the latest issue of Vogue and allowing Blaine the rare privilege of gently stroking his hair.
Drawing on every last ounce of willpower he possessed, Blaine finally spoke. "Kurt, there's something I want to talk to you about." Oh God. Blaine already hated himself for his choice of words. No good ever came of conversations that started with that phrase.
Kurt seemed to be thinking the same thing - he looked concerned and slightly anxious as he sat up and turned to face Blaine. "Ooo-kay," he said slowly. "What's up?"
"I -" Blaine began, wishing he could just stop right there and forget the conversation all together. "There's no easy way for me to say this."
Kurt looked alarmed. "Just say it, Blaine." Blaine could hear the edge in Kurt's voice that indicated his defenses were going up. Ohgod ohgod ohgod. How could this be happening?
"Umm. Okay." Blaine took a deep breath. "What would you think about us maybe taking a break for a little while? Like for the first few months of college?"
It seemed that all of the color had drained from Kurt's already pale face. "Why?" he asked. He was clearly fighting hard to remain calm, but Blaine could see the panic in his eyes. Blaine imagined that he probably wore a similar expression.
"I just - I think we should get the full experience, you know? Adjust on our own, learn to be independent. So we don't hold each other back." Blaine was surprised the words were still coming out of his mouth. It all made very rational sense, of course, except for the fact that the idea of not being with Kurt made him want to crawl into a hole and die. But he had to keep reminding himself he was doing this for Kurt. So Kurt could get the college experience he deserved. For Kurt.
"Is this what you want?" Kurt asked shakily.
Of course not, Blaine thought. For a brief moment, he considered flinging himself across the couch and kissing away the hurt expression on Kurt's face. Instead, he shook that idea out of his head and lied. "Yes. I think it could be good for us." Not for us. Not for me. For you.
"Fine," Kurt said bluntly.
"What?" Blaine said in surprise. He had expected a stronger reaction than this. He had thought - hoped, actually - that Kurt would put up a fight.
"Fine. Let's go on a break."
Blaine felt as if his stomach had dropped out of his body. This had been his idea in the first place, of course, but somehow hearing those words come out of Kurt's mouth made it all so much more real. He was already beginning to regret his decision.
Meanwhile, Kurt's mind was reeling. He had barely even registered anything Blaine had said by way of explanation. Something about getting the full experience, and not holding each other back? It didn't matter. Kurt knew what this was really about. They were going to college, and Blaine didn't want to be tied down anymore. He didn't want Kurt anymore. It was that simple. Kurt had been foolish to think that they would be together forever.
Kurt stood up abruptly. He needed to get out of here immediately. He was teetering on the verge of a breakdown, and he wanted to be as far away from Blaine as possible when it finally crashed over him. "I need to go," he said.
Blaine watched him in shock, wracking his mind for something - anything - to say that might make this situation better. "Kurt -" he said feebly. He felt as if he was watching Kurt slip through his fingers, and yet he didn't know how told hold on to him.
"If' we're going on a break, we might as well start now. Goodbye, Blaine," Kurt said in a hollow voice. And with that, he turned on his heel and left Blaine's house, forcing himself to walk at a normal pace. It was bad enough that he had just been dumped - he was going to do everything he could to appear cool and composed. The last thing he wanted was to come off as some pathetic, heartbroken dumpee.
Back in the house, Blaine sat slumped on the couch, talking himself out of chasing after Kurt and yelling that he hadn't meant it, that he took it all back. He was terrified by Kurt's reaction, which was completely unexpected. Tears and screaming would have been horrible, but somehow the cold, eerily calm response he had gotten was much worse. It was like he could see the walls going up around Kurt, and he wondered whether he would ever be able to knock them back down. He could feel fear begin to seep through him, and he was suddenly very aware that he may have just made the biggest mistake of his life.
Two blocks away, Kurt's car was pulled up alongside the curb, its driver hunched over the steering wheel, sobbing uncontrollably.
The next few days were miserable for both of them.
Kurt did his best to stay as busy as possible. He had thrown himself into packing for college and was in the midst of intensive rehab with his girls - chocolate, shopping sprees, sleepovers, etc. He flat-out refused to talk about Blaine, and whenever anyone asked, he insisted he was fine. But the fact that he had worn sweatpants for the first time in his life and barely commented on the girls' latest purchases from the mall made it abundantly clear that this was not the case.
Blaine, on the other hand, refused to get out of his bed, even though he was barely sleeping. He had no appetite, no interest in seeing his friends, no desire to do anything at all, really. He just felt numb. Even his favorite Disney movies couldn't cheer him up - they just made him think of all the times he had watched them while snuggled in bed with Kurt. He spent most of the time staring at his phone, praying for Kurt to call and wondering vaguely whether his behavior was pathetic. He supposed it probably was, but he honestly couldn't be bothered to care. Without Kurt, he was finding it hard to care about anything.
On the third day, Blaine finally cracked and decided to call Kurt. He didn't know what he was going to say, but he needed to hear Kurt's voice. Unfortunately, Kurt did not answer his phone when Blaine called. He was at the mall with Mercedes, and when he saw Blaine's name on his caller ID, he silently handed the phone to her and pretended to be interested in a window display of candles, trying to ignore the iron fist that seemed to have clenched around his heart.
Undeterred, Blaine continued calling, praying that Kurt would get annoyed and pick up eventually. He was right. When Kurt did finally answer, Blaine nearly sobbed with relief. "Kurt!" he cried happily. He was so excited that he actually sat up in bed for the first time in several days.
Kurt did not share his enthusiasm. "Blaine, please stop calling," he said tiredly. "We're on a break. We shouldn't be talking." And then he hung up.
Blaine collapsed back into bed and contemplated suffocating himself with a pillow.
One month later found Kurt and Blaine settling into their new lives at NYU.
Blaine was having a hard time. He liked his roommate and the people on his floor, he found his classes interesting, and he was completely in awe of New York. But he felt Kurt's absence in everything he did, and he couldn't help but notice that, without Kurt around, his life was lacking in a certain joy that had once seemed omnipresent. He had seen Kurt once, in a coffeehouse near campus. Kurt had been surrounded by a group of friends (Blaine noted jealously that the group included several attractive guys); Blaine had been alone. He had desperately wanted to go over and say hi, but Kurt looked like he was having the time of his life, and Blaine didn't want to interrupt. Instead, he had given a hopeful wave, to which Kurt responded with a jerky nod before turning away.
On the surface, at least, Kurt was doing considerably better than Blaine. He had made lots of friends, he loved the fast pace of the city, and he had aleady gotten involved with several music and theater groups. He had even met and flirted with a few guys who he thought were cute. When he had seen Blaine in the coffeehouse, he made a point of laughing and looking as happy and well-adjusted as possible, hoping it would show Blaine what he was missing. Afterwards, he had gone straight back to his room, crawled into bed, and cried himself to sleep.
They didn't see each other again until a Friday night nearly two months into the semester. Blaine's floormates had convinced him to come out clubbing with them, and after a few drinks, he was feeling better than he had in a very long time. That is, until he got jostled around by the crowd and found himself staring directly at Kurt, who was dancing far too suggestively with a very tall, very attractive blond guy. They were laughing about something, clearly having a grand old time. Blaine felt a hot wave of jealousy crash over him as he watched the way the guy's hands lingered low on Kurt's back, nearly touching his ass.
Perhaps it was the alcohol making him bold, but Blaine suddenly found himself grabbing Kurt's arm and dragging him away from the guy, into a slightly quieter corner of the club.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Kurt said furiously, yanking his arm out of Blaine's grasp.
"I could ask you the same thing," Blaine shot back. "Do you know him?"
"We met tonight," Kurt said defiantly. "His name is Jeremy."
"What are you doing with him?" Blaine demanded. The rational part of his brain knew that he had no right to be mad, but he couldn't help himself.
"We were dancing, Blaine," Kurt snapped. "Am I not allowed to dance with people?"
"Not with guys you barely know!" Blaine yelled. Couldn't Kurt see what this was doing to him? "Not right in front of me!"
"Why the fuck not? We're not together Blaine, remember?" Kurt shouted. "Did you expect me to just wait around for you to get your fill of being single?"
"Of course not! But I also didn't expect you to be fucking random guys!" Blaine could feel tears pricking at his eyes.
"I'm not fucking anyone, Blaine!" Kurt screamed. "But you know what? Jeremy seems like a nice guy. I think I'll let him fuck me tonight. Excuse me." He shoved past Blaine and headed over to where Jeremy was still alone on the dance floor. Blaine watched, shell-shocked, as Kurt took Jeremy's hand and whispered something in his ear. He saw Jeremy's face light up, and then he and Kurt were moving through the crowd and disappearing out the door.
Blaine wandered back to his friends in a daze and told them what had happened. They responded by ordering a round of shots, then another, and another, until Blaine lost count. He didn't protest - all he wanted was to get so drunk that he forgot everything that had happened. He wanted to forget the fight he had just had with Kurt, forget that Kurt was probably fucking Jeremy right now, forget that Kurt even existed at all. He just wanted to not feel anything.
Back in his room, Kurt lay alone in his bed. He and Jeremy had gone to get pizza, then Kurt had claimed to not being feeling well and escaped to his dorm. He had briefly entertained the idea of hooking up with Jeremy, but as much as he hated to admit it, he couldn't stand the idea of being with someone other than Blaine. And so he was alone, wondering whether this horrible feeling of emptiness would ever go away.
Blaine awoke the next morning feeling what he imagined a person might feel like if he or she had recently been run over by a bus. He had barely opened his eyes when he was hit by a powerful wave of nausea. Staggering to his feet from where he had evidently passed out face-first on the floor, he bolted to the bathroom and emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet. The rest of the morning was spent in a similar fashion, leaning against the wall next to the toilet and vomiting every so often. Blaine had never been so hungover in his entire life, not even, he thought with a sharp pang of sadness, on the morning he had woken up in Kurt's bed after Rachel's party. He found that he was almost grateful for the sickness, though - it was distracting him from thinking about what had happened between him and Kurt last night, and worse still, what he assumed had happened between Kurt and Jeremy.
The next day, Blaine had recovered enough from his hangover to leave the room, but he opted not to. He seemed to have hit a new low - the idea of Kurt sleeping with another guy was excruciating, and yet it was all he could think about. He and Kurt had only ever been with each other, and to think that someone else had gotten to touch Kurt, to kiss him and watch him come apart, was simply too much to bear.
By Monday, Blaine had run out of snacks in his room and was forced to venture out in search of food. He was standing on line at the coffeehouse - the one where he had seen Kurt - when he heard a familiar voice behind him. "Blaine?" He turned around to see Rachel Berry observing him with raised eyebrows. "You look awful," she said frankly.
"Hey, Rachel." He attempted a smile and failed.
"I guess this break with Kurt isn't treating you too well, then?" Rachel said.
"Not at all," Blaine replied with a sigh.
"Why don't you tell him that?"
"I - I don't think -"
In typical Rachel fashion, she cut him off before he could finish. "He thinks you don't want him, Blaine. Show him that you do and he'll come back to you."
Blaine stared at her. "You really think so?"
She nodded. "Yes. And for God's sake, clean yourself up. You really do look awful."
He grinned half-heartedly. "Thanks, Rachel."
Upon returning to his room, Blaine saw that Rachel was right about his appearance - he looked terrible. His hair was mess, his face was covered in scruff, and his clothes were rumpled and dirty. He wanted to go talk to Kurt immediately, but decided a shower might be a good idea first. He couldn't be bothered to shave, and he still looked exhausted, but at least his body was clean and his clothes fresh when he set out for Kurt's room fifteen minutes later.
He had decided to take Rachel's advice. He simply couldn't go on any longer trying to feel okay about something that was so clearly not okay. He was going to tell Kurt how he felt and see what happened. He was terrified, of course, but he could see no other option. And maybe, if Rachel was right, things could be fixed between them. He didn't dare let himself hope that they might get back together, but at this point, he would welcome even the smallest progress, as long as it meant Kurt was back in his life.
Blaine found himself outside Kurt's door sooner than anticipated. Taking a deep breath, he knocked in what he hoped was a confident manner. There were a few moments of agonizing anticipation, and then the door swung open to reveal Kurt, looking breathtaking as ever. He seemed shocked to find Blaine standing outside his door.
"I miss you," Blaine said.
Kurt slammed the door in his face.
Part II coming soon!