Lamentation

"Don't let the moment pass." I could physically feel the emotions in the room like they were living entities surrounding me; slapping me, stabbing me, reaching out to take my hand. It was overwhelming to say the least. Whether it was the loss of the woman, the pain resonating through the speech, or the suffering of the man giving it, I couldn't say; but it was clear to me then that I was thinking the same thing that everyone else was. "Don't let the people you love walk by you without you letting them know how you feel about them," it was, in fact, brutally clear that I was thinking the same thing that everyone else was. I glanced up to Donna; she'd been my best friend for years. My most trusted confidant. My guardian, partner, and on some level, my soul mate. There was a pain that filled me as I thought of this; that maybe to her I was different. Maybe she wanted more than that. Maybe she felt so much less than I did for her. I'd never had time to doubt our relationship before, but in that moment, it was abundantly obvious that I was about to doubt every relationship I'd had in my entire life. I looked away as she looked up at me; for some reason I was afraid of what I'd see there – or maybe of what she'd see. Hell, I didn't know what she'd see, and that scared me. I looked to Mike. My Mike. We'd been through so much. More than anyone I'd ever known and it seemed impossible that I'd only known him for such a short while. It seemed like we'd been together in past lives, if not only for just a couple of years. He made me better. He made me believe in the world, and not just myself. He made me feel like there was more than just the game, like life could have purpose outside of this godforsaken firm. He was the absolute most important thing in my life – hell in my existence. I found that I needed Mike more than I needed air to breathe, water to drink, a heart to beat. He was all that and more. He seemed to hold all that I was in his hands, and as I looked at him then, I felt the sharp slap of reality as I finally understood what that all meant. He had me. Completely. In every possible meaning of the word. I was his. And he? He belonged to someone else. It was no unknown fact – at least to those present in my life – that I needed Mike to function. It was also no unknown fact, that he needed me... to be his mentor. His guide. His hero when life got tough. But at the end of the night, he'd go home to her. I knew this. I had always known this, and that is why I'd never done anything about any of it. Mike and I were not meant to be, and that was ok. But watching him now, seeing his hand slide the few inches through the air it needed to find Rachel's, something broke. The pain was too intense to really know where it was coming from, but it was there, somewhere, and it would be my downfall. "Because life slips by and then it's over." And wasn't that the truth. Dad had died so suddenly. I hadn't had the chance to say anything that I'd always wanted to. And now that he was gone, all those things were what I needed to say, but never could. It was then that I swore that I'd never let that happen again. I would learn from my mistake. Bad things happen, and I wasn't going to anything take that opportunity from me again.

The office started to clear out. Slowly. One by one everyone left; all feeling the same weight on their hearts and souls. Some would go to call a loved one; some would head out of the office early to go home to their families. For me and for Mike, our family was here. It was Donna, and Jessica, and Louis who looked so broken it pained even myself to see it. Donna was with him though, and I knew she could offer him more comfort than I ever could, so I made myself scarce; exiting the room quietly and walking back to mine with feet that wanted to drag and a head that wanted to hang. I was surprised I even made it back to the room; I fell heavily into my chair the second I touched it. I needed a minute to breathe before I picked up the phone, dialing slowly and putting it to my ear. I just needed to hear his voice.

"What's up, dickhead?"

My heart gave a squeeze when I heard it. There was so much regret here. So many lost chances. "Hey, loser." I responded in what I hoped was an equally cheerful tone.

"Hey, Harvey, good to hear from you." I knew it wasn't. I knew our relationship hadn't been friendly in a long time, but it was good to hear his voice. "What's going on? Everything ok?"

Of course he'd think something was wrong. It was undeniably hurtful to realize that my own little brother wouldn't expect a call from me unless there was some sort of grand emergency. Had I really let it sink so far? "Yeah, everything's ok." It was honest enough. Everything was ok, right? Donna wasn't in trouble anymore. Norma was gone, but Louis would be ok. We were all there for him. And he still had Mike beside him, and for right then, that was all that really mattered to me. "I just haven't talked to you in a while and wanted to see how you were doing."

"I'm great. Katie's good. The kids are good. Everything's good."

Was he trying to rush the conversation? Was there really nothing he could think to say to me? Or maybe we just weren't like that anymore. Maybe we didn't do this. These talks.

"Great." I said, speaking around the lump building in my throat. "That's exactly what I wanted to hear." And it was, in a way. I needed to know that my brother was alright. That his life was good, not just ok, and that he was happy. I needed to know. I swallowed heavily around the lump as I waited for him to respond.

"You sure there's nothing going on?"

Was he concerned? On some level, I hoped he was. It would mean that there was still something there; some salvageable caring between us. "Nothing. Like I said, I just haven't talked to you in a while, and I miss you." The words burned almost as bad as my eyes as I held back tears I knew were coming. I was alone, but even then I could feel myself pushing it all back, a curse I now feared would never leave me. Would I ever be safe from myself? If even alone I couldn't show a damn thing, maybe it was a good thing Mike and I would never happen. I could never be what he needed. Rachel could definitely give him something I couldn't.

"I miss you too, Harvey. But unless you got something else, I got to go." The words settled in the pit of my stomach like a cold rock. "The kids are in the bath."

"Nothing else."

"Love you, Harvey."

"I love you too."

And then the phone died, the click from the other end telling me that I was now, completely alone. I put the phone down, relaxing back in my chair, trying to quiet my agonizing thoughts and calm myself. I didn't know the last time I felt like this. This, being god awful. Sure, I'd felt the stress of the multiple times Donna or Mike had gotten in trouble. The times I myself had been in trouble. All the disappointment of my past that I would now lament whether it was self inflicted or from someone who taught me not to trust. But I'd never felt like this. Even after my father had died, I hadn't felt so alone.

And there she was, just the woman I needed to talk to. The one who could slap me back to reality so easily. "Donna, listen. About before, what I said. You are the most amazing woman I have ever met and-"

"I'm leaving you, Harvey." She interrupted, stance controlled and unyielding. My mind stopped.

"No." No. "No, you don't mean that. You've just been through a lot of stress after being in court. It's understandable. But you don't mean this. You need time, we-"

"This isn't working for me anymore, Harvey." She insisted, shaking her head. I tried to say something else but she cut me off. "I'm going to work for Louis."

And there is was. The rest of my world crashing down to my feet. Words echoed in my head, No one's leaving you, Harvey. If only I could bring back that reality, escape this strange fantasy nightmare I'd fallen into. My mind couldn't make sense of anything that was happening, some sort of strange denial. Too shocked to understand. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be. She was always the one thing I had. The one constant. The one thing keeping me sane. She was supposed to be the one person who'd never leave. No matter what. This wasn't happening. And yet, she was leaving. She had turned around, walked out the door, and was walking away from me. She didn't even look back. It happened.

So I did what I always did when something was going horribly, horribly wrong. Except in this case, everything was going horribly, horribly wrong, and so I walked to the window without pouring myself a generous glass of scotch; fearing that once I started I wouldn't be able to stop. It was a scary thought.

It was becoming remarkably difficult to breath. Was I panicking? Probably. I didn't even bother to try and relax my breaths. I knew what was coming. It was about time I let it happen. The tears that had been threatening to betray me all night – or maybe for a long time now – began to pour in a steady stream down my cheeks. I bit my lip to muffle the sobs as I looked out over the city I'd made my home so many years ago; but now it just felt like an empty place. I hardly recognized it anymore. The beauty that used to take my breath away was just a wall of lights watching me fall apart, judging me, mocking me, reminding me that in a way, this was my fault. It had been a long time coming.

There was a tap on the door behind me, knuckles rapping against the cold material. I couldn't bring myself to turn around. If nothing else, I could keep hold of my reputation. Never let them see you cry. It was New York City's golden rule. You were no one if you had emotions; an ironic mistake that they'd all make eventually. Here, one chose their happiness. You could have love, or you could have the rest. You couldn't have both.

"Harvey?" Mike.

I'd been the kid's mentor for so long, I'm not sure I could pinpoint the exact time when he'd become a role model for me. Mike had both. He had it all. Everything. He had everything I ever worked for, and he had Rachel beside him to share all the glory. It was enough to make any man envious, but it just made me proud. I suppose that's what love could do to a person.

I wasn't sure when he'd walked up beside me, but there he was, staring out the window. I knew he wouldn't say anything unless I did. I supposed it was another reason I'd fallen for him. He always seemed to know what I needed. That moment was no exception. I just needed him there. Just him.

But the clock was ticking and time was moving by, and I knew I had to say something before I had to live with the regret of never telling him. For once, I was going to take Louis' advice.

"Mike," I began, putting a hand up to rest on his shoulder, squeezing it once. I could see him watching me now from the corner of my eye, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him just yet. Once I did, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go through with it. If I were being completely honest with myself, I'd say I was afraid of what would happen if he knew. If he would leave me. Harvey Specter, the best goddamn closer in New York, told me that Mike wasn't going anywhere. He'd already proven that even if he did leave, he'd always find his way back. A true puppy. The thought made my smile, almost. It was unfortunate that my insecurities had taken the front seat that night. They told me that no one stayed. If even Donna could walk away, everyone would. It was a realization that no one should ever have to come to. The realization that you would always be alone, that life was empty, void of love and family and everything that made it worth it. But it wasn't the time to dwell on that – to run him of by confessing my emotions. It was the time to keep him, by telling him what he meant to me. I turned toward him, pulling him forward by his shoulder until he was pressed against me, and I wrapped my hands around him – one over his shoulder, and one securely around his waist. He wasted no time in returning the embrace, resting against my shoulder. A hopeful part of my mind wondered if this is what he'd always wanted. He was such a touchy feely guy, maybe it felt as right to him as it did for me. But I didn't let the thought get far. It was a dangerous path to walk on. I turned my head before I could acknowledge the thrumming of my heart, beating wildly in my chest, and kissed him slowly on the cheek. I felt myself pulling closer to him; my body working without the permission of my brain. The kiss probably lingered much longer than it should have, but the way his arms tightened around me told me it might be ok. "I just thought you should know." I whispered, holding him tighter yet before letting him go completely and turning back to the window. I didn't want to see how he was looking at me. For all my luck, it was probably pity that I'd see reflecting in his eyes.

But then there was a hand on my cheek, wiping away the tears that I'd forgotten were falling. Fingers traced down my cheek to my jaw, and hooked under my chin, pulling until my eyes met watery blue irises. If it were my lack of emotional knowhow, or if the emotions that had pooled in his eyes were just far too complex for the human mind to decipher I would never know. It didn't matter though, because suddenly his lips were pressed gently against mine, and nothing mattered. Just him. Just that moment. I was safe. I'd found my salvation. My sanctuary. The home I'd never seen. "Me too."

And so there it was. The fall of the great Harvey Specter.

It was everything I could do to not crawl into him, burrow myself in his arms and kiss him until the world disappeared forever. The kiss broke too soon, even though I was breathing hard and my heartbeat was erratic. It had only been a few seconds, though it felt like I'd just woken up from an eternity of bliss. The look etched into his features brought me back though as I remembered that we could never be. He was going home to the paralegal, and I was going home to my lamentation. It was how it would always be; but if he were here in the morning, I knew that it'd be ok. I could survive it all.

One hand dropped back to his side, but the other lingered, tracing my cheekbone and across my lips. I closed my eyes, feeling his sigh rush through me like a current, lighting me up with so much certainty that he was what I wanted. It was like being shocked by a thousand strikes of lightening. But it didn't hurt. It was enlightening if nothing else, even though it was a dream that would remain tucked neatly inside my thoughts. He felt the same. "I love you, Harvey." He whispered, taking his other hand away and leaving.

I watched him go, aware that for a second, I'd had everything I'd ever wanted. It seemed like my whole life was leading up to that moment. Everything I'd ever done right, every mistake I'd ever made. It had all somehow led me to him.

I wasn't at all prepared for the way the oxygen seemed to leave my body at once. I also wasn't prepared for the way my chest heaved and dropped like a thousand pounds had been dropped upon it. What I was more than prepared for though, was the way everything turned black, and I was carried off to where I somehow knew that everything was ok.

A/N: Don't worry. There are no character deaths in this story. Just thought I should let you know so that no one got mad about the ending of this chapter. Breathe. It's ok. Harvey is never going to die on my watch!