Dear Diary,
I can see the most beautiful world. It has an endless sea, filled to the brim with mysteries that have yet to be discovered. I see trees whose branches fall over an enchanting lake that is so crystal clear it looks as though I'm looking into my soul. Faeries dance across the dark sky making the air twinkle where ever I look. The ground is scattered with black and purple roses that bloom in front of my very eyes. I can see all of this and more. All things in my sweet world keep me safe from the harsh reality that my life has become, or at least that's what my shrink told me. My name is Lacey Haert. I've had a lot of trouble in my life. When I was a baby my father bailed on my family. When I was five my mother died of leukemia. Social Services found my father and placed me in his care. Those were the worst thirteen years of my life. I was emotionally abused by him. He made me feel like I was worthless and unimportant. When I was eighteen I left him and never looked back, but no matter where I went, I couldn't get close to anyone. I was afraid and I still am. I started to see a psychiatrist when I got into college, I was twenty. I was, according to him, very emotionally disturbed. That was a year ago. It is my twenty first birthday and I am celebrating with myself. I bought a bottle of patron for the occasion but I doubt I actually drink it. Alcohol never helped anyone, especially me. So I sit here writing in this diary I got from my therapist with a happy birthday note explaining that writing in it might help me. I think I might go to sleep now, maybe go visit my perfect world or drown in my thoughts until I hit a dreamless sleep.
Dear Diary,
I have a very interesting story to tell today. I am a college student at Julliard; I'm on a full scholarship for my flute. So there is this freshman that joined the flute choir. He heard me playing a song that I've been writing, and after I finished he came up to me and told me that it was beautiful. He went on to compliment my tone and my posture, and then he complemented my eyes and asked me out for coffee tomorrow. I was going to say no but something was different about him and I just couldn't say no. I have no idea how to relate with people. I have avoided people since my mother died. I really don't know what to talk about tomorrow. I don't know what to wear. I don't know what to think at the moment. I need some air.
Dear Diary,
I actually had fun today. His name is Elliot. The conversation never stopped. We talked about music and are future plans. The only time I didn't have fun was when he asked me about my family. I just went glassy eyed and mute for a minute, he realized he hit a sore subject and changed the direction of the conversation quickly. We went on a walk through Central Park after coffee. We sat in the grass for a while, looking up at the clouds finding non-existent animals in them. Then it was time for classes to start and we walk to school together. He left when I got to my music theory class. I was slightly disappointed when he left. But later during our flute choir rehearsal he sat next to me. After rehearsal he walked me to my apartment and asked if we could do this again some time. I hesitated and said yes after a moment of silence. He walked away from me with the largest brightest smile in the world. He made me feel good today. It's the best I've felt in a very long time. It's late now so I am going to sleep so I can wake up early. I have orchestral rehearsal at five in the morning. Ugh!
Dear Diary,
Ugh I'm exhausted. I was at rehearsal until nine today! That is four hours of rehearsal! I had one break at seven. My conductor yelled at me because I was having trouble with the piece we were practicing. She wouldn't let up. It got so that I was crying by nine. Even after the rehearsal I was still crying. It was just like my father told me, "You'll never get anything right". I can't go back to that place. I need to get away.
Dear Diary,
I'm at home now and I needed to explain what has happened now. I'm still crying about what my conductor said, but it was even worse when I tried to play my flute at the flute choir practice. I couldn't play, I went mute. Thoughts going through my mind at the speed of light. Elliot asked our director if he could take me home in the middle of rehearsal after I started to cry silently in my seat. My director asked me if I was okay but I didn't answer. She told Elliot to take me home. He got me to stand up; he grasped my hands and pulled me through the door out to the hallway. He asked me if I was okay but just like I did to the director I didn't answer. He dragged me out to the streets and I started to walk by myself. So he loosened his grasp but he didn't let go of my hand. We walked to my apartment and I walked through the door. He asked if he could come in, I told him no and that he's been an awesome friend but I couldn't deal with him at the moment. He told me that he would be there when I could and then he kissed me on the cheek. What am I supposed to do with that! I was told from a very young age that no one loved me and no one would ever love me. But what is love if that isn't? I basically told him I don't want to see him and what does he do? He tells me he'd wait for me. I need something to make this stop. I can't deal with any of this. He's making this ten times worse than it already was. But the thing is I wish it hadn't been the cheek. I don't know why but I wish he had kissed me on the lips. I need to get out of this nightmare!
Dear Diary,
I am so tired. I didn't sleep well. All I saw last night was my father yelling at me while he was drunk. I couldn't escape him; he consumed my thoughts and my mind. Everything I hear is him. I need to talk to my therapist. Okay it's all set up I go to see Dr. Frezno later today. I think I will bring you along to help me sort through my thoughts throughout the day because I have another orchestral rehearsal after therapy is over. Please let it be better than yesterday!
Dear Diary,
When I had just got out of Dr. Frezno's office. He told me to come back and see him every other day. He thinks that I am unstable and that I should be kept under watch. He said I couldn't go to orchestral rehearsals until he said otherwise. That actually made me happy because I don't think I could have sat through another rehearsal with that conductor. He wrote up a note telling my conductor that I couldn't be in there until he said otherwise. I went to the rehearsal to drop it off. My conductor looked at the note and looked up at me with so many questions forming in her mind. I just turned around and walked away. It felt like I had escaped a terrible place when I walked out. But I went to flute choir practice later and Elliot true to his word kept away. I played today, and I rocked the 6/8 section that had been troubling me in there. I even was asked to play the solo at our upcoming concert. I felt better. All I know is that I needed to keep my head clear from trouble. Working with Dr. Frezno helped me a lot today. I'm in my room now I am practicing my solo, I stopped to write because I got hungry and I can't eat and play the flute at the same time. It's very bad for it. But my solo is relatively easy. It's called "Minuet and Dance of the Blessed Spirits" by Gluck. The flute choir is backing me up while I play the song. It's very beautiful. I need to go and practice my orchestral music too since I can't practice with the group anymore. I'm going to put my all into my music for now; it is an outlet for my emotions. That's the whole reason I started to play in middle school. Well I must go practice.
Dear Diary,
It's been a week since I last wrote. I've just jumped into my music. I've lost all track of time. I honestly don't know what day it is. I've been awake at all hours practicing. I sleep six hours at a time. I wake up just before flute choir practices. Then I go home and practice again for hours at a time. I swear I have forgotten to eat at times. But I know that when I go back to the orchestra I will be ready. Elliot hasn't talked to me since that day that I broke down. I think I need to talk to him; he deserves to know why I can't be with him right now. After flute choir rehearsal tomorrow I will ask him to go on a walk with me. Well I got to go practice more.
Dear Diary,
I asked Elliot to come on a walk after rehearsal, he said he would. I counted down the minutes until I could explain to him why I broke down and why I didn't want to see him for a while. I knew it was unfair of me to be all happy one day and crying the next, I mean really the day before I had agreed to go out with him again, now I didn't want to talk to him, how on earth is that fair. He is sweet and kind, I think once I explained to him, that he would understand. Ouch crap I just got busted for writing in you during rehearsal. I'll tell you about what happened later.
Dear Diary,
Elliot and I went on our walk. As we walked he asked me why I asked him on the walk. I told him I wanted to explain to him why I broke down and why I told him I couldn't deal with him for a while. I told him that I knew it wasn't fair to him and he told me he didn't care. He told me that he knew I had my reasons and that if I really wanted to tell him I could but I didn't have too. I almost started to cry again, but in joy, not sorrow. No one has ever been so nice to me, so much of a friend to me. I told Elliot exactly why I broke down and why I couldn't handle seeing him for a while. When I had finished my story we had reached my apartment. I was crying. Elliot gave me a big hug and said that my father was a mean old drunk and that he didn't know anything about me. He said that if I ever needed a friend, he would always be there. He told me that when he first saw me, he thought I was an angel that had fallen from the sky, because when I played it sounded like angels singing. He told me the best day of his life was the day we had coffee and walked in the park. He said that he fell in love with me from the moment he saw me. After he finished that sentence he leaned in and kissed me on my lips. It was like all my troubles faded away during that kiss. At first I was taken by surprise, but then I kissed him back. When the kiss ended I felt like someone had taken a defibrillator and shocked my heart. I felt tingly from head to toe. Elliot asked me if I wanted to go for coffee tomorrow, I didn't hesitate this time, I just whispered yeah. Then he kissed me again. After he left I felt like I was high. I was in my own euphoric world. I had never felt like that before. I will probably fall asleep replaying everything in my mind. I will dream that Elliot is in my perfect world with me.
Dear Diary,
I feel great! I haven't written to you in almost three weeks. I've been hanging out with Elliot a lot and he makes me feel like I'm the queen of the world. I think that I am falling for Elliot. I have also been allowed to return to orchestral rehearsals. My conductor was appalled how much I improved in the three weeks I was absent from her rehearsals, so much as too complement in the middle of rehearsal. I was so proud. In these last three weeks I have felt more alive than I have in my entire life. Right now I'm getting ready to go and have dinner with Elliot. We're going to see Wicked after dinner. I've read the book and I've always wanted to see it. Elliot found out and bought a pair of tickets. I got to go now I'll write to you later.
Dear Diary,
I don't think I'm falling for Elliot anymore, I know I am. I'm falling and I don't know what will happen when I hit the ground. I am so happy when I'm with him it's like I'm a completely different person. Even my shrink says I'm different then I was a month ago. Can someone really have that much of affect on me in such a short amount of time? I guess so because when I am with him I don't feel worthless or unloved. I feel like I am priceless and the most loved person in the world. My father's words cannot hurt me when I'm with Elliot. When we were at the show he whispered all the songs in my ear. He has the most beautiful voice. I feel like a love struck teenager. The show was amazing, but my favorite part was after the show. Elliot walked me back to my apartment. I asked him if he wanted to come inside for some coffee. So he came inside and we chatted while the coffee was brewing. We each had a cup and then we sat on my couch and watched the television. There was a romantic comedy on that I don't know the name of. It didn't really matter what it was called because we weren't watching it. We were kissing. We kissed for what seemed like forever. When we finally broke off the kiss I said that it was late. In fact it was around two in the morning. I asked him if he wanted to sleep on the couch. He said yeah because he didn't want to walk home at this time. I grabbed him a few pillows and a blanket. I asked if he was comfy enough and he said the most corny, sweet, romantic thing I've ever heard. He said "I'd be comfier if you were lying with me." I was completely taken by surprise. But I went to my room and changed into my pajamas, and then I went out to my living room and lay on the couch with him. I fell asleep in his arms, and I woke up in his arms. I have never slept better. I'm writing all of this while he's in the shower. After he's out, we're going to go the coffee shop that we first went out at for some breakfast. I am literally counting down the seconds until he's out. I'll write later.
Dear Diary,
I am feeling anxious. My solo has become like second nature to me, but I'm dreading the performance. I don't know if I can play it in front of all the people there. The performance is in the middle of central park. It is a benefit concert; all of the money from tickets goes to saving the arts in school. I am in the middle of the concert for my solo, and I play again later with the orchestra at the end. There's supposed to be thousands of people there. I feel sick when I think about it, I'm so glad Elliot will be there to help me through it.
Dear Diary,
Holy crap! I am screwed the concert is in two days. Today, Elliot found out that his mother has taken a terrible fall; his father was in a wheel chair so he couldn't help her while she recovers. Elliot had to take off for the week to help his mom. Ugh! I know I am being selfish, but I need him there at the concert. He has been my rock for the last month and a half. I'm so sorry about what happened to his mom but right now I kind of hate her. She's taking my rock away. I am going to fall apart on the stage. This is a mess!
Dear Diary,
It is the day of the concert in the park. The concert starts in about four hours. I am in my apartment getting ready. I am so nervous I really think I am going to mess up. I don't do well under pressure. God, why did I have to agree to take the stupid solo! I wish I had never accepted! I need to relax.
Dear Diary,
The concert has just started. I have butterflies in my stomach. I feel like I am about to barf. I need to sit back and enjoy the music that is playing. It's beautiful. The concert band is playing right now. They're playing amazingly. Oh god, my solo is coming up which means I have to go back stage. Ugh!
Dear Diary,
I cannot believe how much I nailed that solo! I don't think I could have done it if Elliot hadn't shown up. Right before the flute choir went on stage, Elliot ran backstage, right into me. He picked me up and kissed me. I literally died of happiness. I could not believe he was there. He told me that he brought his mom to the concert; his parents were sitting in the front. He kissed me again and then pushed me out to the center stage. The flute choir followed in suit. Then the center light fell on me. I froze for a moment, breathed, and then started to play. I played for what seemed like forever to me. All of my butterflies that I was complaining away disappeared when I had started to play. I felt strong, graceful, and beautiful while I was playing I couldn't believe that only a few minutes past in what seemed to me like a few hours. When I finished playing I got a standing ovation. I felt amazing. As I exited the stage, I stopped by Elliot, grabbed his hand, pulled him to his feet, and dragged him off the stage. Then I kissed him, and hugged him, kissed him again. I thanked him for coming back just in the nick of time. I tried to tell him that I could not have done this without him but he cut me off with a sneak attack kiss. He said even if he wasn't there that I would have rocked it because I was an outstanding flute player, and an amazing person. We went out to the audience to sit with his parents while I waited to go backstage again. When I went to go back stage again Elliot kissed me and wished me luck. I played with the orchestra without any major mistakes. When I exited the stage, Elliot was there waiting for me, his family behind him. I went over to them and hugged them all. Elliot had to take his mom home, so when we left backstage we parted ways and I walked home. I am home eating my dinner now, my favorite, chicken noodle soup from scratch! As soon as I finish eating, I'm sleeping.