Return of the Sparrow
The Joker woke up to Harley Quinn rolling over onto him in sleep.
That wouldn't normally have been a problem – Harley was usually a small, thin woman with a gymnast's build who didn't weigh very much. But Harley was currently eight months pregnant, and consequently much larger than she usually was. She had gained an impressive amount of weight, and now all of it was lying on top of Joker, who struggled to breathe.
"Harley, get off!" he gasped, shaking her. "Harley! Off! Harley!"
"Mmm?" she said, her eyes fluttering open.
"You're crushing me again!" he hissed.
"Oh. Sorry, Mr. J," said Harley, sincerely, rolling off him. "I can't really help how I move around when I'm asleep…"
"Maybe if you wouldn't cling so tightly to me every night, you could subconsciously resist the urge to suffocate me!" snapped Joker
"But I can't sleep if I'm not cuddling my puddin'," she said, frowning.
"Well, I can't sleep being continually crushed by mountains of weight!" snapped Joker. "So sort it out, Harley, or you'll have to sleep by yourself until the baby comes, ok? It's getting ridiculous!" he said, rolling over to face away from her and shutting his eyes again.
"Sure thing, Mr…" she began, but then her eyes widened and she struggled to sit up. She hurried over to the bathroom and lifted up the toilet lid just in time.
Joker heard her vomiting and sighed, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "Well, that's attractive," he muttered.
He stood up, heading into the bathroom to see Harley's head buried in the toilet. "Ain't pregnant dames meant to get over morning sickness?" he demanded, kneeling down and holding her hair back.
"Yeah," replied Harley. "Guess I'm one of those special ones who just keeps having it all throughout their pregnancy…"
She buried her face in the bowl again. "But thanks for helping me out, puddin'," she added.
"Well, you suffer, I suffer, that's what having a baby is all about," retorted Joker. "It's gonna be inflicted on both of us after it's born, so we might as well both start suffering now. It's both our faults it was conceived, after all. Not something I asked for, but the damage is done, and all we can do is make the best of it."
"Yeah," agreed Harley. "Though I kinda wish you had a better attitude about it."
"You mean I should be happy to wake up every few hours being crushed by you and watching you vomit?" he asked.
"I mean you should be happy…we're gonna have a baby," she murmured, taking his hand and placing it on her stomach. "It's an incredible thing to think about, Mr. J. The two of us made a tiny person together. Parts of you and parts of me combined to make a whole new life, something unique and special and ours. We're gonna get to take care of it, and help it grow, and we're gonna love it so much. And when you think about that…well, it's worth putting up with little annoyances like this, ain't it?"
He smiled. "Sure it is, kiddo," he murmured, kissing her forehead. "Little Joker Junior's gonna be a great gag. Also, your boobs have never looked better," he added, spanking her.
"Um…thanks, puddin'," she said. "But I can't deny I'll be happy when I get to stop carrying around so much weight. I feel really unattractive and fat these days."
"You're not fat, you're pregnant," he retorted. "If you were fat, I'd dump you."
"Still, I feel kinda like a house, or an elephant, or one of those giant balloons you see in the Macy's Parade," she continued.
"Oh, which reminds me, Harley," he said. "This Thanksgiving, we should sneak our own balloon into the parade which releases Joker toxin!"
"This Thanksgiving we're gonna need to be taking care of the baby, puddin'," replied Harley. "We won't have time for complicated schemes like that. And anyway, didn't you already do that in the 80s?"
"I dunno – I don't remember. It was a long time ago," he retorted, shrugging. "And why can't you take care of the baby while I plan complicated schemes? I ain't giving up my career for the kid, you know. What do I look like, a woman?"
"Oh. Ok, puddin', I just thought once the baby's here that you'll wanna spend a little more time at home with your family, especially during the holidays…" she began.
"And why would you think that?" he demanded. "I'm a busy man with a lotta commitments, and I ain't gonna change my lifestyle just 'cause you got knocked up."
"But I thought you said this was our responsibility together…" she began.
"And it is," he nodded. "Your responsibility is to carry the baby, and give birth to the baby, and take care of the baby. And my responsibility is to support you when I can. I mean, I give you food and clothes and a nice place to live – that's half of my responsibility done already. And when I have time, I'll help take care of the baby. But since part of my responsibility is my career, so I can give you and the baby food and clothes and a nice place to live, most of your responsibility is going to be childcare, and most of mine will be continuing to commit genius crimes and battling Batman."
"How does you fighting Batman give me and the baby food and clothes and a nice place to live?" asked Harley, puzzled.
"Because it's my career!" he retorted. "It's how I make money! You think DC's gonna keep licensing me if I retire from crime, stop fighting Batman, and become a regular family man?"
"What's DC?" asked Harley.
"Never mind," he snapped. "It's too late for this conversation anyway, and I'm too tired. I'm heading back to bed, if you're done coughing up your guts."
He stood up, storming out of the bathroom. Harley slowly climbed to her feet, heading over to the sink and brushing her teeth. Then she headed back to bed, climbing in carefully and hissing as she adjusted herself on her back. "Night, puddin'," she whispered.
Joker was facing away from her, and just grunted in response. Harley sighed, shutting her eyes and trying to sleep.
She felt him turn over, and then felt a hand placed on her belly. She smiled, and then gasped happily as she felt a kick from inside her stomach.
"Yeah, that's Daddy," she whispered, placing her own hand on top of Joker's. "You're gonna love him so much, just like Mommy does."
"Go to sleep, you useless waste of space," he muttered, kissing her tenderly. "We gotta be up early tomorrow to get you to your water aerobics class."
"Don't say it in that snide tone – it really helps me," retorted Harley. "The water relieves the weight pressing down on me, and helps with backache and swelling, and studies say it can even help with the delivery…"
"Yeah, yeah, I didn't ask for a science lesson," he muttered. "Believe me, the less I know about the technical aspects of your being pregnant, the happier I am."
"Maybe if you'd paid more attention to the technical aspects of pregnancy, I wouldn't be accidentally pregnant now," retorted Harley. "Not that I'm complaining," she added, smiling.
"Shut up," he retorted, kissing her again. "You worthless brat. I need my beauty sleep, and so does Joker Junior. So shut your useless mouth, Harley. Goodnight," he muttered, keeping his hand on her stomach.
"Goodnight, puddin'," she whispered, holding his hand. She was asleep in moments, happy and content with her family.