The Stupid & Random Adventures of Mario & Friends

It was a dark, stormy day at the Mushroom Kingdom. Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Toad were playing Chess in the entrance hall. So far, Mario and Peach played against each other, and Peach lost miserably; she was terrible at Chess. The only reason she agreed to play was because the only other option was to go puddle-jumping, and she had just gotten a mani-pedi.

"Okiedokie, so who wants to challenge me next?" Mario asked his friends.

"Ooh! Me! Meeeeee!" Luigi squealed, and jumped up and down with excitement.

"Luigi, if you have to use the restroom, just go. You know where it is," Peach said exasperatedly.

"No, I don't have to use the restr- WAIT WAIT WAIT! There's a RESTROOM?! Jeez, nobody ever TOLD me! I've been using the port-o-potty outside in the courtyard for all these years!" Luigi exclaimed angrily.

"Luigi… There isn't a port-o-potty in the courtyard…" Peach told him, rolling her eyes.

"…Or is there?" Mario said with a weird, mysterious tone.

"No Mario, there isn't," Toad said with a groan. He was growing tired of this pointless conversation.

"But then what is that weird thing in the middle of the courtyard that sprays water? Looks like a port-o-potty to me," Luigi asked.

"Luigi, that's a fountain," Toad told him with a sigh.

"Ohhhh…" Luigi said with realization, and blushed.

"OMIGOSH OMIGOSH OMIGOSH!! Luigi, you've been PISSING in my fountain?!" Peach screamed at Luigi. "No WONDER the fountain always smells funny when you visit!"

"'Ha-ha' funny, or 'weird' funny?" Luigi asked timidly. Peach really scares the crap out of him when she yells like that. Even more so when she yells at him.

"Luigi, go to hell," Mario told Luigi, annoyed.

"Okiedokie!" Luigi said cheerfully. A warp pipe appeared out of nowhere, and Luigi climbed into it and teleported out of the castle. "I'll send a postcard!" Luigi's voice echoed from the pipe.

Silence. Then…

"Let's go get some cheesecake!" Toad squealed randomly.

"Okay!" said Mario and Peach.

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Toad, Mario, and Peach took two flights of stairs to get to the kitchen. Halfway up the second flight, Mario was pooped. Peach and Toad were way ahead of him.

Then, Mario heard a scream. "MARIOOOOOOO!" the person screamed. It sounded very, very familiar.

Mario ran as fast as he could up the stairs, and found the kitchen. He broke down the door and left skid marks as he stopped fast in front of Peach, who was lying on the floor, appearing to be hurt.

"M-Mario…" Peach stuttered.

"Yes, Peach?" Mario asked with worry in his voice.

"I… I…" Peach gasped.

"Tell me Peach! What happened?" Mario asked, growing more worrisome.

"I… I broke a nail…" Peach finally told him.

Mario and Toad were furious, but tried to hide it. Peach insisted that they call a doctor, telling them that this was a "serious emergency". Mario and Toad tried to argue against her, but she wouldn't budge. They finally decided to call a doctor, even though they knew it would be a bad idea. Mario grabbed the phone, and dialed the number.

"Hello, this is Mario. Um, I'm calling because my friend -"

"OMIGOSH OMIGOSH! You're Mario… THE Mario?! Omigosh, I can't believe I'm actually talking to you!" the receptionist on the other end of the line gushed. She was apparently a fan.

"My friend is… um… having a 'serious emergency'," Mario finished, unsure of how to describe what happened.

"I'll be right over!" the receptionist said, her tone suddenly serious.

"Wait -" Mario started, but was cut off by the receptionist hanging up.

As suddenly as the receptionist hung up, the door bell rang. Mario and Toad rushed down to the entrance hall to answer the door. Peach was "too weak" to get up, so she just lie there on the kitchen floor.

"Hello," Mario greeted the person at the door.

"Hello Mario! Omigosh, I cannot believe that not only do I get to speak with you over the phone, but I also get to see you in PERSON!" the receptionist from the hospital squeaked, overjoyed. "OH. MY. GOD. Is this your friend here? I'm afraid he's suffering from…Mushroomitus!" she gasped.

"Uhh. Mushroomitus?" Toad asked skeptically. "No, ma'am. I'm a Toad; one of Princess Peach's servants."

"Yes, he's right. The one that needs help is Peach," Mario told the receptionist. "Be right back, we'll go get her."

"Oh no, actually I'll go with you! I would love to see the castle!" the receptionist grew even more excited. The three of them walked upstairs to the kitchen.

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When they finally reached their destination, they not only saw Peach, but Bowser too. He was stealing food from Peach's fridge, and laughing maniacally.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You're too late, Mario and… umm…" Bowser couldn't identify the other guy.

"Toad!" Toad squeaked angrily.

"Uh, right. Anyway… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You're too late, Mario and Toad! With all of this food from Peach's fridge, I shall open my own all-you-can-eat buffet, and I will finally become more popular and famous than Mario!"

Mario and Toad gasped. "You fiend!" they cried.

Bowser Jr., riding a hovercraft/flying saucer, broke in through the wall and zapped the enormous pile of food with a weird ray of light and abducted it. He and Bowser escaped successfully, without leaving a trace of their presence.

"Well, that sucks," Peach said indifferently. "I guess I'll have to go grocery shopping again tomorrow. Oh well."

"Peach, you don't even care that Bowser and his son just broke in through the wall and stole your food?" Toad asked incredulously. "Your fridge is huge… You'll probably have to spend a fortune to replace it all. Plus you'll have to repair the wall."

"Well for starters, I'm a PRINCESS. I have a ton of cash just for being famous and pretty. Second, who says I'M going to repair it? YOU will, Toad," Peach said with the same tone of indifference.

"Fine…" Toad sighed.

Lakitu flew into the kitchen on a cloud, and hovered in front of Mario, Toad, and Peach (who was finally getting up).

"You have a letter from Luigi, from hell! Would you like to read it?" he asked.

"Yes, please," Toad replied politely.

"Well tough luck, you son of a bitch, I'm gonna read it," he told Toad with a smirk.

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Dear Mario, Toad, and Peach

Greetings from hell! I wanted to send a postcard, but Satan told me that I couldn't; only letters are allowed. Anyway, as strange as it may seem, I'm enjoying myself here! I've made a bunch of new friends, and we play fun games together and hang out all the time. Even Satan and I are tight! Satan says I'm his best friend! People always say hell is supposed to be a terrible place, and Satan is evil, but none of it is true. Well, as much as I love hell, I really do miss you guys and the Mushroom Kingdom. I'll be back in a few days.

With Love,

Luigi

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"That'll be 50 coins!" Lakitu sneered. He thrust an empty coin sack at them. "Pay up."

"WHAT! You little bastard!" Mario yelled.

"Mario, Mario, PLEASE," Peach said rolling her eyes. "Here you go, Lakitu. 50 coins." She dumped 50 coins into Lakitu's sack.

"Thanks, hehe!" Lakitu took off, snickering.

"Great, now I've got that 'With Love' song by Hilary Duff stuck in my head!" Toad groaned.

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A/N: Okay, that was the first episode! I hope you liked it, and Episode 2 will hopefully be posted soon! And when I say "soon" I mean within 1-2 weeks, MAYBE just a few days if you're lucky. Note, these episodes are NOT related to each other. They're kinda like comics, or TV episodes.

EDIT (11/25/07): This is the updated version of Episode 1. I tried to make it a little neater, and fixed the thing at the top. Also, Episode 2 is up.