Angel Dust

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know, everything that shines ain't always gunna be gold.

I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good...

She knows that someone puts their hand on her shoulder, a sign of comfort maybe.

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

She nods her head at the woman and attempts a sad smile. She doesn't know, she can't feel anything, she's numb. Sure she can feel the pressure of the weight of someone's arm but she can't feel anything inside. There's no comfort in their empty words, no sadness in her mind. She's only there physically, standing there unable too look away from the cold body that lay in the coffin. She knew that he'd never agree to an open casket if he'd had his way. But he doesn't have his way, he doesn't have a say anymore.

He looks good, she'd nearly even say that he looked better than he had in years. What a terrible life you must lead if you look better in death than you did in your finest moments. She knows that she never saw him in his finest moments though, they were together six years and married just over four but he'd reached and passed his peak before they'd even laid eyes on each other.

Suddenly, everything in the room seems much too close and the air much too warm. She politely excuses herself from yet another sympathetic person and retreats to the back porch of the funeral home. It's dead in the middle of winter and there's snow and ice on the ground. She sits on the steps and lights a cigarette, inhales deeply and exhales, watching the stream of smoke leaving her mouth mix in with the cold air. It almost feels natural, the cold air and her cold heart. She assumes she has a cold heart, it doesn't feel anything anymore, not like it used to. If she tries really hard, she can still remember the warmth that flooded her chest everytime she thought about him, everytime they'd kiss or make love. That warmth is gone now, replaced by a sad cold emptiness that won't seem to budge.

She remembers when they met, all that time ago. She was a student still and he was some businessman that stood under daddy working his trust fund and connections to its full potential. He'd walked up to her in the bar while she was on a date with another man, Bill she recalls, boring Bill. He steals her away for the night, they kiss and touch and he promises that he'd call. She expected him to forget all about her, but is surprised when he call two days later and asks her out again. They went on too many dates before they were an official couple, and she was introduced to a world that she'd never known.

His life was all beautiful parties and rich people that didn't give two shits about anyone else, as long as their own world was perfect, or appeared perfect. She couldn't recall one single person that she'd met in their entire relationship that looked genuinely happy, she could see the fake smiles plastered on their faces and the secret breakdowns happening on the inside. She had almost a sixth sense about people, and she knew that despite the extravagance and indulgence that consumed their lives no one was really happy. It depressed her that she knew she'd turned into one of them, she was one of the people she'd despised early in her relationship. She swore up and down that she'd never become one of them, but look where she was now. So discouraged and sad that it was an effort to get out of the bed in the mornings, or late afternoons depending on how the night had gone previously.

When he first introduced her to this lifestyle she was reluctant to participate, opting to sit back and watch the nights circus. She couldn't believe her eyes the first time that they'd gone to a club together. They skipped the line, heading straight in and to the VIP room. They didn't ask who he was, everyone here seemed to know him by name. She couldn't make herself look away the first time she saw him take a line, it repulsed her and drew her in at the same time. When he offered she turned him down, she wasn't that kind of girl. The next few times she managed to say no, but after a while he wore her down. Eventually she said yes and it was like nothing she'd ever experienced, she knew it was wrong but with him supporting her she snorted the line and began her downfall. It consumed them, every Friday and Saturday nights were spent in a club or at some sort of party. Soon it was nearly everyday. They'd start the night at one of the more respectable social events that his father approved of and after appearances had been made they'd leave for one of their haunts.

She'd graduated shortly before his father had died, almost two years into their relationship. He'd automatically been elected as the new CEO and made it very clear that she wasn't to work. He proposed to her on their two year anniversary and were wedded six months later in one of the most lavish celebrations the city had seen in a while. They seemed perfect from the outside, but nothing in this world really is on the inside. They'd fight often and make up viscously, she lost count of how many times she'd have to wear something with long sleeves or a high collar in the middle of summer. He'd never hurt her during the fight, they'd lose themselves in the apologies and before they knew it they were covered in bites and scratches. His back had scars from her fingernails and she had scars on her wrists that he liked to tie up and a tiny one in the crook of her neck from his teeth.

Even though they'd had their problems, they'd suited each other. They were convinced that they just worked, and they'd be together always. She'd been with him for six years, and with him for about two.

Heavy footsteps behind her brought her out of her thoughts, she briefly wondered who it was that was interrupting her peace but let go of the thought almost immediately. She honestly didn't care. About anything.

"Got a light?" She could feel him sit down beside her, she instinctively knew who it was. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up, and it wasn't from the cold. Although he did make her cold, he made her hot too. She silently chastised herself for thinking about that when they were here. She reached into the pocket of her coat and drew out the silver lighter and handed it to him wordlessly. He took it from her and they sat silently for a few more minutes, breathing in the smoke and the cold. "You'll have to talk about it someday."

"Not today."

"Yeah I know, not today. Soon though, it hurts me too." He paused and took in a big breath, "I mean, we were only with him this time last week. Do you remember this time last week?" She shut her eyes and tried to block the memory.

"Of course. Same time every week. There's always next time..." She let herself trail off.

"There's not going to be a next time."

"I know."

"There could be something else."

Silence.

"Would you let there be something else?" She didn't know, she knew it was possible. She was pretty sure she could give herself over to it in the beginning, it was continuing that would be hard. Once would be okay, they'd done that before. Lord had they done that before.

"I don't know if I could live with myself. Continuing this without him. Him watching in the room doesn't equate to him watching down from heaven."

"You really think he's in heaven?"

"If he is I don't think I'll ever be joining him." They thought about that for a moment.

"If we go to hell at least we'd be together, like we were never able to here."

"Would you really want to be stuck with me for an eternity?"

"I'd love it." He really would.

"You'd defeat the purpose of hell and one of us would have to leave. They'd probably send you to heaven, so the two of you could lean back in the clouds and mock me while I suffer."

"They'd never let me through the gates."

"I thought you could get yourself into anything, anyone." It was more of a statement then a question.

"Only if I wanted to."

"So I'd be the reason you'd give up paradise?"

"It wouldn't be paradise without you." If she tried really hard she could almost pinpoint the exact moment he'd fallen for her, it'd been just over a year into their little arrangement. She'd just climaxed and opened her eyes to look at him, she watched as his face went through the motions. The tense trying and the eventual euphoria, when he'd opened his eyes and just stared into hers it was like the floodgates had opened. He ducked his head to kiss her but never made it. Her husband had ripped him off of her and was taking her now. She tried to enjoy it, but the man she really wanted had left the room, dejected.

"It'd never work you know. If we were together in hell, it'd be heaven and he'd be there. You'll never have what you want Eric. Neither can I." She stood up, dusted her black pants off and walked back into the funeral home. She paused as she opened the door but willed herself to not turn around. If she looked back now, there'd be no moving forward. She needed to get away from him and back inside to the reason she was here in the first place.

She walked up to the coffin and put her hand on his, it was cold and felt creepy but she needed to touch him one last time.

"Goodbye Alcide."

She was a little intimidated, before she walked inside she could feel the deep bass of the music inside and the fast beat of her heart in her chest. After she was inside, the two rhythms synced. She didn't know what freaked her out about this place, she'd gone to too many clubs to name with Alcide before. This was nothing new, yet it terrified her. They'd done this a few times before, maybe five or six? Tonight felt different though, everytime they went to this particular club they had a little game that Alcide liked to play more than her. She'd wear some of her trashier clothes, the ones she wouldn't be allowed to leave the house in if it were any other night, and she'd apply her makeup just that little bit heavier than usual. She'd get to the club at around 10pm, still early in the night. He wouldn't make an appearance until around 11.30. She had an hour and a half to find and seduce any man in the room, take him to a private booth and play coy just a little, just long enough for Alcide to come by 'find' her with another man before dragging him out of the club and making him a bloody mess in the back alley. She wasn't such a fan of this game, but it was better to keep him happy. She didn't want to deal with an angry Alcide when she got home. If they even made it that far before passing out. She'd lost count of how many sleepovers she'd had at hotels in her own town.

It was a bit of a slow night tonight, there were probably only about 20 other fellow revellers in the club as she made her way to the bar.

"Johnny Walker Swing & Soda, thanks." She'd have to switch drinks before he got here, Alcide didn't approve of drinking something other than top shelf. She liked it better though, she didn't care about labels. She loved the softer burn and sweeter taste but if he found her drinking anything other than Blue she'd feel it later. The waitress looks past Sookie's shoulder at someone before turning around to get the scotch off of a shelf midway up on the wall behind the bar. As the waitress returns with her drink Sookie hears a loud rumble coming from behind her. Bingo.

"It's on me tonight Dawn." Dawn simply nods at the mystery man before tending to other patrons further away from her. Sookie smiles to herself before turning around to greet the first man to hit on her tonight. She's floored when she sees him and immediately thinks that Alcide might be over his head with this one. She vows to try anyway, he always loved a challenge.

Sookie drags her eyes up and down his body. He's got to be at least 6'5" a little taller than Alcide, long blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. He's Alcide's opposite in so many ways. This man was lean and sinewy, Alcide was muscle bound and much darker in color.

"Thanks"

"It's Eric by the way. "

"Sookie"

"Much better." He smirks and she finds a heat burning through her chest, she hasn't felt warmth in a little while and it's nice. He gets bold and takes her hand, leading her to one of the private booths. She instinctively puts her small clutch bag so that it can be seen through the red velvet curtain of the booth. Her and Alcide had worked that trick out the second time they tried this, after he burst through the wrong curtains to find another couple in a rather compromising position. Eric pushes open the curtain and holds it, allowing her to be the first to sit. He follows behind her, sitting as close as he possibly could. He leans over and whispers in her ear.

"So tell me Mrs Herveaux, what brings you here tonight. Can I ask where your husband is?" She's shocked, she's got to rethink her whole plan for this evening.

"My husband?" She decides to play dumb, men like dumb blondes.

"Yes, were you unaware that you had one? I've been watching the two of you for a few weeks now. You're starting to worry the other patrons, no one wants to get their asses handed to them by the towns golden boy." Sookie is speechless, she doesn't know what to do next. Eric is receives a message on his phone and busies himself with that until Sookie's wits have returned to her.

"I'm sorry for any trouble we might have caused. I'll just be leaving now-" Eric's lips cut her off, he pulls her into him and she responds by tangling her hands in his hair. He nibbles on her bottom lip, she groans in response and tries to move her body closer to his. He pulls her into his lap and she's grinding herself into his hardness. His hand slides up her dress and he hooks his thumb on her lace underwear with the full intention of pulling them off her body when they're interrupted yet again.

"Sookie! What are you doing with-" Alcide cuts himself off as he recognises Eric. "Ah, hey man. You know that's my wife?" Alcide is seething, but he knows he can't do anything. Eric could have him banned from all of the clubs in town, even though Alcide had a pretty high status Eric would be able to very easily pull him down a notch or five. Alcide's mind worked very quickly, Eric probably had videos of him and Sookie's previous conquests in this very club, Eric's club.

"Yes, I'm aware of that." Eric made no attempt to further explain the situation. It was getting fairly tense, but Eric was just sitting back looking like he was enjoying himself. Alcide and Sookie were staring each other down, daring the other to make the first move. Alcide's eyes flashed with an idea, the right-side corner of his mouth turned up and Sookie was pretty sure she knew what that idea was.

"I'm not completely down with that Alcide."

"What? You know I hate it when you do that shit, it's like you're reading my fucking mind." Eric raised an eyebrow in confusion, he wasn't sure what was going on in the silent conversation between husband and wife.

"I haven't done anything like that before! How do we even know it's safe?"

"You only live once. Life's just a bunch of experiences you know? You don't get a medal at the end for being good, you just get dead." She'd heard that line before, he usually spouted it off just before he got a big idea that he knew she wouldn't be really comfortable with. Sookie took a deep breath and thought to herself for a minute.

"Okay, just once though. To get it out of your system."

Once my ass.

The soft sound of the guitar and the singers taped voice filled the cemetery where he was to be buried. A small group of mourners circled around his final resting place, for the media hound that his mother was it was surprisingly uncharacteristic for his funeral to be laid out like this. There were maybe 20 or so people, a lot less than what Sookie had imagined. She knew that she was supposed to be the one planning this but the days after Alcide's death were hard, she could hardly get out of bed let alone plan a funeral. Syliva had outdone herself. It was truly a beautiful ceremony, it was so simple yet so stunning. She shouldn't be paying attention to how everything looked but she couldn't help trying to get her mind off why they were actually here, to put her husband in the ground forever. The forever part hurt, it hurt more than she could even give words to. There'd be nothing she wouldn't give to have him back, to hear his voice or feel his skin against hers. She tried to leave her mind and pay attention to what the priest was saying but she couldn't make sense of his words. Every time she heard the word god it made her want to punch the priest in the face. There was no god she wanted to have faith in. No god who loved her, who loved anyone would put them through this. No god would make a mother bury her son, no god would let a partner walk the world alone.

Before she knew it, it was over. They lowered his coffin into the ground and she felt herself get up automatically and throw a single white lilly on the coffin before walking away. She needed some time, some space. She ignored everyone looking at her and walked away, they couldn't blame her for not being able to stand this. She found a shady tree away from everything and sat beneath it. She put her head in her hands, closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She heard footsteps behind her and knew instinctively who it was. He had a habit of coming up behind her lately.

"Hey you." She didn't say anything in reply as he sat down next to her. No one would think anything of him comforting her, he was one of their closest friends, he was Alcide's best friend. No one else knew that he was also their lover. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm not." She could barely speak above a whisper. He sighed and put his arms around her, pulling her into his arms as she sobbed. He held her for a while before pulling away slightly and looked into her eyes.

"Wanna get out of here?"

"Thought you'd never ask." He stood up and took her hand. She must've been sitting there for a while, because when she looked back up to where the funeral had been held there was no one there. He kept a hold of her hand as he led her to his car. They drove around for a little while before Eric pulled into the back lot behind his club. "I don't know if I can go in there." She wasn't sure, but going to either of their houses was just too personal and far too soon. Although, his club wasn't that different. For a while the three of them had practically lived there, coming almost every night. For the first few months, they'd told themselves that their homes were off limits for the little set-up that they had going.

"We'll take it slow, just try and if you panic we can leave. I just don't know where else to go."

AN

And there it is.. I've been unsure about posting this one, I haven't written anything worthwhile in absolutely ages and I'm kinda looking forward to exploring this one a bit. I was so close to posting this a couple weeks back but then something popped up on the site that I felt was similar. I know its crazy since this has been in my head since before Christmas but I was worried about what might get said. I've decided to bite the bullet and just put this out there though.

I'd love to gauge people's thoughts on this about whether or not to continue. I've got my plans half written/thought out but I've been going through a lot lately that's seriously muted my muses. Hopefully I'm back on track now and I'm very excited to see where this takes me.

Xx

ElegantlyWasssted