I dreamed a dream
Hello.
My name is Ste Hay. No, stop, my name is Steven Hay. That's important. I will explain later why these few letters make such a difference but let me start again.
Hello.
My name is Steven Hay and I dreamed a dream. I know it sounds corny and I know it's a bit clichés for a gay guy to quote a line out of a musical. But it is true. And I can't find better words for my life than these. I was never a guy who was very good with words so I hope people will have some patience with me while I tell you all why my life is laying like a shattered dream in front of me.
I am old. Yes. I have grey hair, the wrinkle around my eyes are not of too many laughters as I always hoped they would be. I am tired. That's true. But it's not time yet. So bear with me while I explain.
I was once a young lad. I was nothing special. Actually I was far away from that. I had quiet a long criminal record and you could say I was a little wanna be gangster. I was horrible to my girl friend and I crossed the line of unspoken things more than once. The only thing I was good in was being a father. This is one thing I can say with pride in my chest. I was always a good dad even though I was far away of being a saint. But then again this would be something you could say about HIM as well.
And here we go already: Him.
The reason why my life was the best I could have ever dreamed of. The reason why my life was a living hell. He was my joy, my nightmare, my everything.
I once was young. I once was naïve to believe that there was a way for us. A way how we could have been together but then again I was never the brightest one I suppose.
Brendan. Yes, his name was Brendan... He made me special. He killed for me, he would have done everything for me. Everything. I know that. I had to pay a high price for this love but to be honest: I paid it with a smile on my face.
There was just one thing he could have never done for me. Sadly for me, this was the only thing I really needed. I needed him. I needed him to be honest. And that was never his strong point.
So we spend our years together. Sometimes together as the lovers we always were. Sometimes as enemies trying to make each other more miserable than we were without each other anyway. We were always connected. There was no moment I didn't know I belonged to him.
We had good years. Really good years. He was my Bren and I was his Steven. Yes, you see. It is important. This name means the world to me. For him I was never the young lad who didn't know what he was doing. For him I was always an adult. Yes, he manipulated me. Yes, he took advantage. But I know he loved me. I know I was the most important person in his life, the most important thing...
See, I promised myself not to cry but that's what happens when you think about your past. About your life laying shattered on the ground.
Brendan is dead. He died almost 30 years ago. I don't think that anyone could be surprised to hear that. I mean he had so many enemies and he was involved in so many things. It was just a matter of time I guess. But again being the naïve guy that I am I never thought that this would happen.
I had so many plans. We had so many plans. But everything is over. I really thought that we could play this cat and mouse game for ever.
But well, again I was wrong. Reality has killed my dream. Reality killed him. And without him there won't be any more dreams. Without him there is nothing. No hope, no life, no dream.
My name is Steven Hay and I am 65 years old. I had the best nightmare you could ever imagine. I had Bren...