A/N: Sorry it took me so long to wrap this story up. I'd been so happy with the way JNash had changed things in the beginning of season 5 and how she really brought the show and especially Maura's and Jane's relationship back to life, but all of that changed for me when she let Jane's baby die – and in addition in a poorly told story as if it really didn't mean something. Therefore this story goes mainly to AU from episode 5x10 when Jane loses the baby.
I poured a lot of my own experiences into this story concerning visits to Ethiopia and the loss of a dear person, so please be gentle with everything you have to say to that.
~ Ethiopia ~
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Chapter 1: The one where they fly
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Somewhere over the Atlantic,
Thursday, 3rd of September 2015
So... let me try this.
I feel silly enough, but Maura suggested it'd be good to write. Seems like she expects me to freak out once I set foot on another continent. I don't know. And now I'm just bored, so... why not.
There's a lot we leave behind and a lot ahead of us, she said. Coming from her it has sounded just as cheesy.
She's asleep now. You can tell she's used to flying. I can tell I'm not and I bet the stewardess, who keeps glancing over here, knows that, too.
Or maybe she's just checking on Alban. I didn't think people would get this nervous around a baby on a plane (didn't actually think I'd get so nervous). Although, Ma should have given me a clue, but... well, it's Ma. And he's doing fine, really. Sleeping just as sound as Maura as if flying is old to him already.
Seriously. How do they do that?
I know it's nonsense, but sometimes it seems he's more like Maura... I wonder whether one can actually rub off on a four month old person. He's never fuzzy like Ma says I was. He's... quiet, easy to please, and kinda serious. Sometimes that even creeps me out.
Maura's hand rests on the rim of his infant car seat that is sitting between us. She thinks I don't notice, but she stays close to him all the time... and she shields him. Like at the gate today, when that guy dropped his carry-on and had cursed elaborately and excessively as his toiletries and a bunch of condoms rolled around the waiting area. I had to clasp a hand over my mouth so I wouldn't laugh too hard, but Maura...
She knelt down in front of Alban and put her hands at each side of his little head, gently covering his ears. Not with pressure, just to muffle the sound a little. And the way he looks at her. Sure, his face lights up whenever he finds a person's eyes, any person's, that's just the way babies communicate at that age (Maura keeps reminding me as if trying to eradicate that magic moment when this little guy actually recognizes me).
But the way he looks at her – it's like he feels safe. Hell, I feel safe when I watch their little routine. It's nothing like the over protectiveness of Ma, I mean, yeah, Maura is a helicopter herself, but it's so endearing...
and somehow a little sad.
Woah, I have no idea where all that came from. Must be exhaustion. That weird Ice Age squirrel is bouncing over the screen two rows in front of me.
Trying to sleep now.
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Still – or actually again – up in the air, different ocean though,
Friday, 4th of September
Okay. Sleep is not coming for me tonight. I get it, why should it, been only awake for 23 hours, so?
Ratatouille is playing now. Feels like the airline is mocking me. How many kids are awake at 3:30 in the morning anyway? Maybe we should've flown first class like Maura suggested. At least then I'd have my own screen and a bigger selection of movies. Or I could play chess. But then I would have been even more nervous about Alban disturbing some ambassador or whoever. I don't even know why, Alban has never disturbed anyone in his small life span. Yet.
Maybe I just don't feel like visiting Africa like that. I feel awful even writing that thought down. And I guess Maura would explain to me, how that's perfectly normal and at the same time unnecessary weird guilt, but she's yet asleep again! What a friend.
We just changed planes in Frankfurt. Alban slept through the whole thing. (Is that normal?) Not even the landing process made him stir! I was chewing gum and it still felt like my eardrum was gonna burst. And then that stewardess again. Told me in earnest that it might be easier for my baby if I'd be breastfeeding him while landing. Maura could barely contain herself at the incredulous stare I must've given that woman.
No, thankfully he slept and even though I hate breastfeeding in public – I can hear Maura so clearly right now "Why? It's such a natural, beautiful thing!" and then the immediate response of Joey "We know, but there's a baby sucking on it!" – I really had wished, however, someone could breastfeed me, if only the pressure would subside. Still can't hear properly with my left ear.
Standing and walking for a while had felt good. I've gotten a cart and put Alban's seat on top and we rolled down the lane of duty free.
Boarding the next plane, I produced my ticket out of my handbag soaked with tea. Maura had rolled her eyes on me, though it's her fault, really. She's the one nagging me about keeping hydrated every 30 minutes that I don't take a sip of something. Which apparently isn't good, if you're flying, staying awake for too long and breastfeeding at the same time. Well, like I said, I haven't been breastfeeding all night, since my baby is either very considerate or simply doing a much better job at ignoring this terrible flight.
The gate lady however didn't seem to mind, or at least not anymore as soon as she spotted Alban. He's doing a much better job there, too. Makes people go easy on me. It's weird. I never had that ability. Not even as an infant, I bet.
Ha, there's this maybe two-year-old boy a couple of rows behind us, who keeps saying "Amen!" to each and every announcement that comes over the speakers.
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Oh, I almost forgot: Ma gave me a letter I am to open on the plane. So sweet. I'm gonna attach it here:
My dear baby,
stay safe – that above all on your incredible journey – so everything you see can reach you. You've got a precious heart, Jane, and what you think and feel and do makes you a beautiful person. I'll be waiting for you with your favorite lasagne. I'll be very happy, when you return.
Ma.
I know our departure has been hard on her. Amazing that she didn't even mention Alban in that letter. She hated to let him go... I hated to make her. Yeah, since they first met and I told her I wanted him to have nonno's name and she had held him and kissed him, crying in pure beatitudine (I have no idea how to spell that), she has been hovering. A lot. More than she already was.
But that card of her's... this is... it's incredibly strong of her to let me do this, to give me those wishes... she's the one with the precious heart. Maybe I don't give her enough credit for it, but she really manages to make her love about me – or Alban – and not about herself.
I'll miss her.
She thinks I'm insane for doing this, though. I know she does. It is a bit crazy, who am I kidding. How on earth had Maura made it seem so reasonable?
Sure, she's got a business visa and will help out in that hospital. She knows her way around there, she's got needed skills. For her, a trip like this is meaningful. But what am I doing tagging along? Plus, with a baby in tow...
And I know that she knows I'm coming despite the fact that I don't know why. I'd like to know if that bugs her.
Phh, I feel like I should have taken care of my will or something before going to Africa. I know that's a bit morbid and actually awfully full of prejudices, but it's more like a feeling somewhere very deep... no, I just can't finish a sentence that pathetic.
Well, alright:
It's like I know I won't come back... in some way. Maybe just not in the same way. No idea.
We're flying over Cairo right now. Even from my seat at the aisle I can make out thousands and thousands of lights, spreading out like cobwebs. It's like looking down at the stars. Like flying headlong.
Two more hours to go.
Maybe it'll feel more real once my feet touch the ground.
A/N: The Joey quote is from the Friends episode "The one with the breast milk".