Open Space
MA
(Max point of view)
I see him. Arrogance in perfection.
Amazing how he pulls it off. I envy his confidence, his self worth.
I have been out too long. Out of touch with myself. No one understands. Not even my siblings. Ben would have. But Ben isn't here anymore. For all that he has become, Ben would have understood. I think he even understood me when he was fighting me...
Would a replica understand? Would the other half of a soul understand me?
Even all this time, I am amazed how he could understand or even try for my sake, he just shows it differently. Never saw it that way before. Too blinded by my anger, my fear and my pain. I keep forgetting the fact that he literally grew up in Manticore. A guilt I never cease to feel every time I think about it. What pain he went through, what torture, what loneliness. And I made it worst when he got out. Pushing him when he needed understanding. I am such a moron. And I'm supposed to be the invincible leader and to think I'm the reason he's out. Another count in my guilt list.
I on the other hand have deluded myself that I could be normal. I have been pretending to be normal for so long, I have literally deluded myself to really believe. The power of suggestion. That's Manticore training for you. To the core I will become who I am supposed to be, to survive. Stupid me to fall for that trap. I was trained better, proven myself better to fall for the manipulations of my training. And yet in my greatness I did fall. Hard.
Only made aware of my predicament by the existence of a kindred soul.
I have been jarred back to reality with his presence in my life. Made me realize what I have been doing to myself. Made me see the truth.
Funny. Him being Ben's twin. Never took the time to get to know him. Afraid of loving him too and then end up killing him. No thanks. Ill deal with my loneliness. I can't deal with that kind of loss again. Hurts too damn much. Still does actually.
I guess I often picked a fight with him before because of the fact that I was uncomfortable with myself. First it was the delusion that he destroyed my relationship with Logan.
I was in hiding. Still am in a way, but not so much as before. Didn't want to get too close. Didn't want him to see.
I used to push him away because I thought I would see Ben every time I look at him. Funny about life, it doesn't give you what you expect.
They are two different people. Too similar but too different to make that stupid mistake again. They are both tortured people. Ben was a lost soul. Alec is a different story. He owns everything he touches that he doesn't lose himself. Brave one how I have been so blind.
I know I've hurt him not just physically but emotionally. My words often draw blood and yet he lets me. Never knew the extent of his sacrifice. He is stronger and more powerful than I. an alpha male, and yet, he allows me to push him, to hurt him, to bleed him. Powerful one, what have I done to you?
Who am I to deserve your compassion?
He understands me better than I do myself...
I have been a constant pain in the ass. Bitching at him most of the time. Throwing in his face what he had done to me and Logan.
Excuses, excuses, I know. Like my delusion; Logan was out of my psyche the moment I realized the truth, yes I am a freak, and I love being one. But still I pined over Logan like a bitch in heat. Silly me. Or was it a defense mechanism not to let him near? Manticore never trained us on dealing with angst. Bloody idiots, now most of us transgenics are drowning on it.
Telling him about Ben has been the right decision after all. I don't have to pretend anymore. Although I thought by then I would be free to express my guilt and pain when ever I see him, thinking I would be seeing Ben. And he would understand. Funny really, when I started to really be more open, I don't see Ben in him. I see him. Alec. Brave, strong, compassionate, proud...free.