As I Will Be
Disclaimer: These people don't belong to me, nothing does, well, maybe the words but I'll have to check. Still trying to find some pocket lint. (Y'all knew I'd put that in there somewhere.)
Summary: WARNING! If you have NOT read 'The Trouble With Magic Is' GO READ IT FIRST. If you don't you won't understand a lot of this story. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Begins immediately after 'As You Were'. Goes totally AU from there and doesn't go back until after 'Grave'.
Reviews: Yes, PLEASE. It's an addiction, a sickness, seriously craving the warm fuzzies brought on by all the wonderful reviewers. All reviewers ROCK!
A/N: Okay, y'all asked for it, you got it. Thanks for ALL the wonderful encouragement. You guys are so great. Kargrif, you're so right, I get caught up in the reading or have to leave the Internet and swear I'll review later and sometimes don't so I have no room to whine. I just think all you readers are terrific, reviewing or not.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Spike gazed around the ruins of his home in disbelief. Not only had Buffy blown up the place but then she'd come back and blown up his heart. He placed a hand on his aching chest knowing that there should be a gaping hole where his heart used to be. He looked at the debris on the floor, half expecting to see shattered pieces of himself lying around his feet. A single tear tracked its way down his lean face. He quickly searched his pockets. Finding what he was looking for, he checked to make sure he had enough change. Scrubbing a hand across his face, he left the remnants of his unlife to find a phone.
At the payphone he normally used, he quickly dialed the number written on the scrap of paper. Telling the operator to place it as a collect call, he waited for the connection to go through. He sagged against the wall of the booth in relief when it was picked up.
"Hello?" A familiar British voice answered. The charges were accepted, albeit with puzzlement. "Spike? Is everything all right?"
"Rupert. Is that coven still willing to take me in?" Spike's voice reflected his heartache and despair. He laid his forearm across the top of the phone and rested his head on it.
There was silence on the line for a moment. Then, "Spike, what's wrong? You said that you weren't willing to leave Dawn." Giles asked with concern.
"I...um... I have to leave. I can't be here anymore. I... I can't take it. She's broken me. Please say I can come there." Spike pleaded, knowing he sounded pathetic but unable to do anything about it. He just couldn't care anymore.
Giles drew in a deep breath. He hadn't heard so much pain in the vampire's voice in a very long time. "Of course. I'll arrange it with the coven. They'll be expecting you. Do you need tickets?"
A bitter laugh escaped the blond wizard's throat. "No. Think I'll use the express method. I just need a target. I need to say good-bye to Niblet and let her know where I'll be. Then I'll come back here and call you back. That way I'll be able to place myself next to you. What time of day is it there?"
"It's early morning here. I'll make sure the drapes are drawn when you call. I'll arrange somewhere for you to sleep and go to the butchers. Don't worry, everything will be all right." Giles said.
Spike gave another bitter chuckle. "Don't fuss too much, Rupert. You know anything I need I can make. Don't be spending your money at the butchers. Okay, Mate?"
"Of course. I'd quite forgotten. Very well then, I'll talk to you in a while. About how long do you think you'll be?" Giles reached over to his night table and found his glasses.
Spike closed his eyes, relief flooding through his system. "Not long. The only one I'm telling is Dawn. So I figure about half an hour, an hour tops." He answered. "Oh, and Rupert?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you." He paused. Then, "Don't tell the Slayer. I never want her to know. I'm not even sure I ever want to see her again." Spike growled into the phone and hung up.
In England, Giles hung up his phone slowly. 'Dear Lord.' He thought. Whatever it was Buffy had done to Spike, it was bad. Very bad. Turning on his light he went to make up the guest room and make sure all the drapes in the house were drawn.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Spike stood under his tree outside the Summers house. He knew this would likely be the last time he stood there but couldn't make himself feel too badly about it. He would miss his Little Bit fiercely but nothing said she couldn't ever visit him in England. At this point he couldn't see himself ever coming back to Sunnyhell. He had met nothing but pain and heartache since setting foot on the Hellmouth so leaving seemed to be surprisingly easy. Closing his eyes, he tried to sense where Dawn was. Checking each room in the house, he located Willow in her room. Buffy, he shuddered, was in her own room and Dawn was thankfully alone in her room.
'Niblet.' He thought, trying to establish a mental link with the girl he loved like a sister.
'Spike?' He could hear the surprise in her response.
'Yeah, Bit. It's me. I need to talk to you and I don't want to see your sis. Can you come out?' He projected.
'Of course. Transport me so she doesn't hear me sneaking out. I'm playing the radio so she thinks I'm doing homework. She shouldn't ever know I'm gone.' The teenager answered mentally.
Spike concentrated on Dawn and she appeared in front of him in an instant. She leaped into his arms. Seeing that she was about to speak, he placed his finger over her lips and transported them to his crypt so they wouldn't be overheard.
She gasped at the ruins that were all that was left of his possessions. "What happened?" She demanded, exploring the room and shaking her head at the destruction.
Spike shrugged. "I made a mistake and your sister, along with Captain Cardboard, threw a hand grenade in here. I had a relationship of sorts with her and after she destroyed my stuff, she came back and destroyed me."
Dawn looked at him with concern. "I don't understand." She said, moving over to stand in front of him.
He looked at her with tears shining in his sapphire eyes. "You don't have to, Bit. Just know that I love you and I always will. But I can't be here right now." He stroked a hand down her hair and cupped her cheek.
"Spike, you're scaring me." She whispered with tears of her own springing to the surface.
"Do you remember the coven Giles told us about? The one willing to help me learn more about my magic?" He asked.
She nodded. "What about it?"
He bent his head. "I'm going there. I have to get out of here. Your sister..."
Dawn interrupted him. "You can't even say her name. What did she do to you?"
He shushed her. "Shhhh. Don't fret about it. I'll get over it. It's just that I have to go. For my own sanity, I have to." He pulled her into a hug.
"Take me with you." She pleaded.
He smiled sadly. "No. I can't. Your sister needs you. She may not realize it but she does. If you need to talk to me just use the link we established earlier. I will always answer. No matter what, I'll be there." He told her fiercely. He rested his forehead on hers. This was the hardest thing he'd ever done. Tears slipped down his lean face.
Tears streaming down her own face, she closed her eyes. "I love you, Spike. You're my big brother and I'll always need you. Don't leave me forever." She whispered.
Spike shook his blond head. "We'll be connected forever. I just can't stay here right now."
"When are you leaving?" She asked tearfully.
A deep unneeded breath hitched in his chest. "As soon as I take you home. I'll call Giles and transport to his place in England. I don't know if I'll be able to leave the coven for a while but maybe you can come over there and visit."
She nodded. "Okay. Take me home."
He hugged her tightly and took them back to the house on Revello Drive. He kissed her forehead tenderly and sent her back to her room. He could hear her crying in his mind. If his heart hadn't already been broken, that sound would have done it. He reached out mentally and let her know he was there, soothing her tears.
He transported back to the payphone and placed the collect call again. As soon as Giles answered the phone he transported to England. The payphone receiver magically hung itself up as soon as he left.
Giles hung up his phone as the young vampire appeared in front of him. Spike stumbled a little. It was the greatest distance he'd ever transported and he was slightly disoriented. Giles caught him before he could fall and led him over to the sofa. The former Watcher was dismayed at Spike's appearance. He'd obviously been crying, his face was still damp from the tears. His clothes were torn, covered in dirt and ashes.
"Dear Lord. What happened?" He asked.
Spike gave another bitter laugh. "Long, boring story. Not worth telling. If you don't mind, I'm a bit knackered. Think I can catch a nap somewhere?"
Giles studied the young vampire and nodded. Obviously he was in no condition to talk. Standing, he motioned for the blond to follow him. Showing Spike the spare bedroom with its adjoining bathroom, he left the heartbroken young man alone to clean up and rest.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
During first day, Giles attempted to get the unusually quiet vampire to talk about what happened. The bright blue eyes became cold and bleak. His features hardened and in a voice that sounded nothing like his own simply said he didn't want to discuss it.
The next few days found Giles sharing his house with a very different Spike than the one he'd come to know and, for much of the time, loath. This Spike was quiet, polite and unassuming. He cleaned up after himself and spent much of his time in his room reading. Gone was the brash and abrasive young vampire who'd invoked fear with his very name. It his place was someone who seemed... the only word Giles could think of was the one he'd heard Spike himself use during that first phone call. Broken. He showed no interest in anything other than selecting another book to read as soon as he finished one. It was as if he were making up for lost time, trying to absorb every book he could find before someone discovered what he was doing and put a stop to it.
The former Watcher decided to call Dawn to see what she knew. He knew that Spike used their new mental link to talk to her every morning and had the feeling that those daily contacts were all that was keeping the vampire sane. He waited until he knew that Buffy would be out slaying and Dawn would be home, if not alone then at least able to talk.
"Hello?" Willow answered the phone in Sunnydale.
"Willow. Hello. It's Giles. Is Buffy out patrolling yet?" He asked.
"Yes, did you want to talk to her? She should be home in a couple of hours." The witch said.
"No. That's all right. Could I speak to Dawn then?" He said making it sound as if talking to Dawn was an afterthought.
"Sure. She said that if you called to be sure she got to talk to you. Can you try to cheer her up? Spike disappeared a few days ago and she's been pretty bummed about it." Willow looked at the teenager coming down the stairs. "It's Giles. Want to talk to him?"
Dawn turned around. "I'll take it in my room. Can you hang up as soon as I get it?" Willow nodded and Dawn raced into her room, slammed the door closed and snatched the phone from its cradle. She waited until she heard the click of the receiver being replaced downstairs before she spoke. "Giles, is he there? Is he okay? He tells me he is but I can tell in his voice he's not." The questions sped out of her mouth.
"Yes, he's still here. The coven still needs a couple of days to prepare for him. I'm worried about him. He's not himself. He stays in his room reading. He's not the same Spike we know. What did Buffy do to him?" Giles said.
"I don't know. He just said she destroyed him. She won't talk either. When she found out he was gone, she threw some stuff around her room and then went out and killed every demon she could find. She's calmer now but she scared me. She won't talk about him, just says that he's an evil soulless thing and we're better off without him." Dawn's voice shook.
They agreed to each let the other know if they discovered anything more. Saying their good-byes, they hung up.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
The coven had needed extra time preparing to have a vampire stay with them indefinitely. They had to arrange for somewhere for him to sleep and somewhere safe for him to be during the day. Then they placed protection charms around their property so no harm could come to the young wizard coming to them for help. They held meetings amongst themselves to ensure everyone was aware of the seriousness of secrecy. It was imperative that the Watcher's Council remained unaware of Spike's presence and abilities. Giles shuddered to think of what the Council would do if they were aware that Spike was a wizard, an extremely powerful one at that.
The high priestess had requested an audience with Spike and Giles to gauge the sincerity of their request. Charmed by the quiet young vampire, she granted their plea to let Spike stay with them and learn. He was nothing like she'd heard and she was pleased about that. She'd had her reservations about allowing William The Bloody into their sacred home.
She drew Giles to one side and raised a sound proof barrier so they couldn't be over heard, even by vampire hearing. "Your young friend is very troubled." She stated.
"Yes, he is and I'm at a loss as far as helping him. He refuses to discuss the problem." Rupert admitted.
She nodded, her silver hair shining in the candlelight. "He will find peace here. His young sister may visit after he's been here one month. We will arrange it. She is very important to his well-being. Now, I must know. How long has he had that foreign object lodged in his brain?"
Giles was surprised then realized he shouldn't be. "More than two years now. It was installed by a government organization to keep him from hurting humans."
A small secretive smile graced her ageless face. "And what is stopping him now that the chip is no longer functional?"
Shock appeared on the former Watcher's face. "How long.....?" He began; looking over at the vampire he'd thought was completely harmless.
The high priestess laughed. "Oh, I'd say quite a while now. It would seem that his magic had issues with the thing and disarmed it, so to speak. It hasn't been functional for several months at least."
Giles gaped. "Does he know?" He asked.
"Oh, I'm sure he does. He just doesn't care. Love has been his conscience for a long time. He cannot bear to bring heartache to the ones he loves. Even though she is the one to bring heartache to him. He cares very deeply for his little sister, but it's the older girl he loves and mourns." She said.
"She's not really his sister." Giles felt compelled to explain.
She laughed again. "We are aware of that. His love is that of an older brother and I believe he spent quite a bit of time fulfilling that particular role."
"What do you mean that he 'mourns' her?" Rupert asked.
The silver head shook slowly. "He mourns the girl he knew before she went to heaven. She came back differently. She has treated him horribly and he mourns for her. The details he will have to tell you himself. Now, let's go tell your young friend he is welcome to come stay with us tomorrow. Take him home and spend time with him. He needs the companionship of someone familiar. Maybe he can sneak his little sister over for a few minutes of quality time later."
Giles nodded and smiled. "That's a splendid idea. A visit from Dawn would do him a world of good."
The high priestess lowered the barrier. Giles walked over to the silent vampire. He had been remarkably motionless for someone Giles knew to be unable to remain still for long. Spike beamed a smile at the high priestess. He liked her, he had a good feeling while in her presence. "All done talking about me?" He asked. Giles smiled sheepishly and nodded.
The silver head inclined graciously. "You are welcome to begin your stay tomorrow." She said. She again received a beaming smile.
"Thank you." Spike said sincerely.
"Let's go home." Giles suggested. The platinum head nodded.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Spike had been making dinner for the two of them every night. Giles knew he would miss the delicious meals, as well as the company. He suggested that Spike contact Dawn about coming over for a visit, a suggestion that was met with a grin, the first one, other than those at the coven, all week. He immediately closed his eyes and linked with her. Giles still found it remarkable that the two had forged the same sort of bond shared by Spike and his Sire, Angel.
'Niblet.' He projected.
'Spike.' She squealed in her mind. He winced at the mental noise.
Back in Sunnydale, Dawn got up from the breakfast table. Seeing Buffy's and Willow's curiosity, she stated, "Gotta go to the ladies. Be right back." Once alone she closed her eyes. 'Spike!' She thought.
'Can you come visit?' He asked.
'You mean now?' She wanted to know.
'No, I mean at three in the morning your time. Of course right now. Come for dinner.' He teased.
'I have to go to school but I can cut. As soon as I get there, I'll call you and you can transport me.' She thought.
'Don't cut. I'll send you a note to excuse you for a couple of classes. Or for the day.' Spike suggested, following words with action as a note appeared in her hand. It was written in Buffy's writing.
'Nice touch.' She giggled in her mind.
'Thought you'd like it.' He snickered mentally.
'I need to go. They're going to wonder what I'm doing in the bathroom so long.' She said.
'Okay. Let me know as soon as it's safe.' He told her. They closed the link.
Spike opened his eyes and looked at Giles. He grinned happily. "She's coming." He said.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Stuffing the note in her pocket, Dawn returned to the kitchen. Being careful not to appear too happy, she finished her breakfast just as Xander arrived to give her a ride. Buffy handed the teenager a lunch as she walked by to leave.
"Have a good day, Dawnie." The blonde slayer said.
"I'll give it a shot." Dawn said snidely.
Buffy closed her eyes and sighed. Since Spike had left Dawn had been nearly uncontrollable. She felt bad about how she'd treated him but would die again before admitting it. She couldn't believe he'd disappeared the way he did. Not even Willow's locator spell could find him. Not that she wanted him back. Dawn missed him that was all. Just the fact that Dawn still talked to her told Buffy that Spike hadn't told the teenager why he'd left. She refused to believe that she'd hurt him. Evil, soulless things couldn't suffer from hurt feelings. They had no feelings. She put his disappearance down to wounded pride. Shrugging off that line of thought she began cleaning the kitchen.
As soon as she could, Dawn took the note to the school office. She expected the third degree from the secretary and was pleasantly surprised when she accepted the note at face value. Making sure no one saw her, she went into the girl's bathroom. She checked under each stall, happy that they were empty. She locked herself into a stall and mentally called Spike. Seconds later she was in England with her arms and legs wrapped around her favorite vampire.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
"Oooomph!" Spike grunted, finding himself with his arms full of lanky teenager. "I just saw you a few days ago." He complained.
"It's been a week and I missed you every second." Dawn wrapped her arms tighter around his neck. "Just be happy you don't have to breathe." She said, leaning her forehead against his.
Giles smiled at the sight of the two of them. Arms wrapped around each other, eyes closed, bliss written on each face. He knew they had been miserable apart and Giles felt a twinge of anger at Buffy for forcing the two of them to separate. They had been so close all last summer but as soon as Buffy was back it was as if he no longer mattered, not to Dawn of course, but to the other Scoobies. Dawn would always think the sun rose and set on the blond vampire. He cleared his throat. "Excuse me, miss. Is this the line for hugs?"
Dawn opened her eyes and grinned. Reluctantly putting her feet on the floor, she let go of Spike's neck and ran over to Giles to wrap her arms around him. "Hi." She said.
"Hi." He echoed drawing her close. "How have you been?" He asked after a moment.
"Just swell." She said sarcastically. They moved into the living room for a proper visit. Spike and Dawn snuggled on the sofa, unwilling to be apart more than a few feet. She told them of Xander's and Anya's aborted wedding. And about Willow's decreased use of magic. Both men found that a bit comforting, they hadn't been happy with Willow's magical inclinations. After two or three hours of catching up, care was taken not to mention Buffy; they decided it was time for dinner.
By the time they reached the dining room, Spike had the table set with a scrumptious meal. Complete with china, crystal and linens, the table was beautiful. Dawn looked at him in awe. "Spike, it's great. What's the occasion?" She asked.
"You are, Bit. That and I'm going to stay with the coven tomorrow." Spike said. "I wanted tonight to be special."
She grinned as a thought occurred to her. "You realize of course, I'll be expected to eat dinner at home tonight because it will still be afternoon when I get back."
He laughed at her. "Yeah, I know. But you like it, don't you?" He asked, suddenly unsure.
She hugged him. "I love it. I love you. And I love Giles for suggesting I come over."
Soon after the sumptuous feast was consumed, they reluctantly realized the Dawn needed to go back to California. Her school day would be ending soon and she had to return before Buffy realized she hadn't been there. Now that they knew how easy it was for them to visit, it was easier to part this time. Dawn was not happy about having to wait a month before visiting the coven but she knew there was a good reason. They also knew they could mentally visit every day just as they had been.
Spike asked her where she wanted to be returned. She chose the alley behind the Magic Box, as it was usually unoccupied. She was supposed to go there every day after school anyway. He knew the alley well because he'd spent a lot of time there. He knew just the spot to put her, one that was well hidden around a corner.
Nevertheless they clung to each other when it came time for her to leave. She gave Giles a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek, telling him to call her more often. Taking a deep breath, Spike gazed into her eyes. He pictured the corner in the alley and sent her on her way. She wavered a minute before leaning against the wall. Breathing deeply, she managed to chase away the dizziness. Closing her eyes, she connected with her vampire.
'Spike.' She thought.
'Yeah, Bit?' He answered.
'I'm here. I miss you already.' She sent.
'I miss you too. Are you okay?' He asked anxiously.
'Fine. A little dizzy for a second but I'm okay now. Talk to you later. Love you.' She projected.
'Love you too Bit.' He closed the link.
Taking another deep breath, she hitched her backpack up and left the secluded corner. Luckily, she hadn't been overly talkative of late so they weren't expecting her to chatter much about school. Entering the shop, she gave everyone a sullen look and went to a back table to pretend to do the homework she didn't have yet. Opening her backpack she discovered her wizard had thought to include her homework for the day.
Turning to Rupert, Spike heaved a deep unneeded sigh. "She's back and she's okay." His dark blue eyes sparkled. "Thank you." He said sincerely.
"My pleasure." The former Watcher answered with a smile.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
It was a much happier vampire that left for the coven the next day. He dove into his lessons with an intelligence and eagerness to learn that was refreshing to the witches teaching him. They were astounded by his depth of power and the control he already had over it. He charmed his female instructors and became friends with the male teachers easily. They all had heard of Spike aka William the Bloody and had been nervous about having him in their home. He allayed their fears with his wit and humor, usually directed at himself. For the most part, they forgot he was a vampire. He didn't feel the need to be the Big Bad there. He couldn't have pretended if he'd wanted to. There were telepaths, empaths and seers there, any pretense would have been revealed instantly. He had enjoyed school as a human and found he'd missed learning new things.
Giles kept in touch with Spike as often as he was allowed. He and Dawn were the only ones who knew where Spike was and they were determined to keep it that way. Giles knew that Buffy had made a few halfhearted attempts to find the blond vampire but he also knew she only did it for Dawn. He couldn't believe how cold hearted his daughter had become since her resurrection. Neither he nor Dawn had yet learned exactly what made Spike flee Sunnydale as he had but they knew eventually they would find out. They talked on the phone often, usually when Buffy was patrolling. They were both thrilled that the vampire they cared about was happy where he was. The high priestess had been right; Spike did find peace there.