Conversion

con⋅ver⋅sion

–noun

1. the act or process of converting; state of being converted.
2. change in character, form, or function.
3. change from one religion, political belief, viewpoint, etc., to another.

Disclaimer: Black Lagoon and its characters © Rei Hiroe

A shining sun, a blue sky, a cool breeze, and not a cloud in sight, all by a beautiful sea. Normally, there would be a character from a foreign land such as a maid, a counterfeiter or even a pair of psychotic twins wreaking havoc and causing a mishap that threatened to destroy life as everyone within a 20 kilometer radius knew it, but none of that was happening today. Surprisingly, only twelve gunshots had been heard throughout the entire day and Bao's bar had miraculously not been blown to bits a week after it was completely fixed. It was, needless to say, one of the calmer days in Roanapur.

Matching the unusually calm scene of the city was a young man with silver hair and sunglasses, wearing a black trenchcoat and silver chains, casually leaning against a wall with his arms crossed over his chest and waiting patiently in front of a Chinese restaurant for a particular cleaner accompanied by an assassin to show up. Rotton couldn't help but sigh. He had agreed to meet Sawyer and Shenhua at one o'clock, and it was already ten minutes past the meeting time. Rotton silently scolded himself for wearing a trench coat in the searing heat. Him and his fashion sense... He had thought about going inside of the restaurant, but decided against it. For one: He had agreed to meet Shenhua and Sawyer in front of the restaurant, and if he went inside, they may not have bothered to look inside for him, and thus, they would have probably thought that he had forgotten about the occasion and would have two very, very dangerous women angry with him. The second reason he decided not to go in was because if he loitered around inside of the restaurant, chances were he was going to irritate the staff, and he had a good guess "Just let me stay a few more minutes, I'm waiting for my friends" wasn't a valid excuse they were going to take.

Rotton sighed again. He was a patient man, but he couldn't deny that he was growing more bored by the minute. He had already played a mental game of "shirt color bingo" with himself by observing the wardrobes of the few people passing by, and he couldn't really look up at a few clouds and try to decipher their shapes, as there were no clouds in the sky to look up at to begin with. Honestly, what were Sawyer and Shenhua doing? Rotton exhaled sharply and looked up at the sky, as if he was asking some unseen force from above to intervene and end the monotony.

"The purple sparrow lands on the chapel at dawn," a voice whispered into Rotton's ear. The silver haired mercenary slightly jumped in shock. The voice had come out of seemingly nowhere.

"Whoa! Down boy! Didn't mean to startle you." Rotton looked over to his left and saw the source of the voice. It was a nun... with blonde hair... wearing pink sunglasses...

"I wasn't startled," Rotton lied as he furrowed his eyebrows. The woman looked familiar. Rotton knew he recognized her, but where did he see her before?

"Oh yeah?" said the nun, not really believing Rotton's little fib, "Hm, that's weird. I could've sworn that the sparrow thing would've set something off..."

"Set something off?" Rotton asked. Who was this woman, and more importantly, why was she talking to him? It wasn't exactly normal Roanapur citizen behavior to talk to a total stranger, unless they wanted to start a fight. Though, from the smile on her face and sound of the upbeat tone in the nun's voice, it didn't seem likely that she wanted to brawl. What did this woman want?

"Well, to be honest, I was just messing with you," confessed the nun, "The way you were leaning against a wall in a trench coat in broad daylight with the "incognito" sunglasses just reminded me of a secret agent or something. I just said that purple sparrow nonsense to see what your reaction would've been."

"I... see..." Rotton said quietly as he looked the other way. "Shenhua... Sawyer... Where are you?" he thought. He couldn't quite pinpoint why, but he was beginning to feel rather unsettled around the nun.

"Oh, come on! Stop acting so shy. I've you seen you around the city a few times. Besides, we've met before," the nun said. The silver haired man looked back at the nun.

"We have?" Rotton couldn't deny that she looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't quite remember where he had seen her. He guessed the nun would give him an answer if he asked a question.

"Yes, we have. Well, sort of. The roof of the building I was standing on collapsed and you were standing on another rooftop chattering on about something I can't really remember..."

"The nun from the Ripoff Church," Rotton realized. The bounty hunt where everyone was chasing after the Indian woman, that's where he recognized her from.

"Uh, yes... I am. But I have a name, you know. It's Eda," she said as she lowered her head and slightly pulled her sunglasses down the bridge of her nose, revealing her blue eyes.

"Oh, yes, of course. My apologies... Eda." Rotton didn't know why he had a compulsion to apologize to her. He also didn't know why the woman was still talking to him. If she remembered him from the hunt, then she must have remembered that he was a mercenary that had been hired to kill her. Why did she go out of her way to talk to somebody who had previous intentions of killing her?

"Ah, don't worry about it," Eda said, pushing her pink shades back up and concealing her eyes from view. "What was all that blabbering about, anyway? That's not exactly the best thing to do in a gunfight, you know," Eda observed.

"The reason for my so-called 'blabbering' is none of your concern," Rotton said defensively. The response came out harsher than he intended it to be. Eda raised her eyebrows a bit at his response.

"Alright, alright, I get it. I'm just wondering, though... It seems Two Hands didn't do too much damage with that bullet she dinged you with. How is it that you're still walking?"

"I was wearing a Kevlar vest," Rotton explained, wondering why Eda was still trying to hold up a conversation with him.

"The man who goes off on inconvenient tangents is also the only man sane enough to wear a bulletproof vest in Roanapur. Go figure," Eda said with a chuckle.

"I didn't really catch your name back there, though," Eda went on, "I couldn't hear you too well over the sound of bending metal and the feeling of impending doom looming over me while I was falling to my death." The nun smiled in a crass manner, remembering the moment. Rotton quietly hummed in realization. Perhaps that was why the woman was talking to him in such a casual manner. She couldn't hear him and probably didn't catch the bit where he was going to take their lives... right before he got shot by the Lagoon girl...

"So, uh... what is your name?" Eda asked with genuine curiosity in her voice.

"Rotton 'the Wizard,' " he said as he slightly tilted his head downwards and opened the palm of his right hand, raised his index finger and placed the tip on the center of his shades. The man couldn't help it. It was a habit that had manifested itself into a reflex. The nun tilted her head to the side and a small smile of intrigue found its way onto her face.

"Rotton 'the Wizard,' huh? I see..." A long, awkward pause followed afterwards. Rotton thought the woman was going to leave him alone, but instead, the blonde just stood there, looking at him with a questioning glance. Growing a tad bit weary from the silence and the way the nun was looking at him, Rotton shifted his eyes around once again. Sawyer and Shenhua still weren't there yet.

"So, what's that whole 'Mother Goddess' thing about, anyway?" Eda suddenly blurted. Rotton looked back at the nun with a perplexed expression on his face.

"Excuse me?" he asked, confused at the topic. Mother Goddess? How did that find its way into the conversation?

"You know, the 'Mother Goddess' or the 'Great Mother' or the moon or something along those lines..."

"I... don't understand what you're talking about. Why are you asking me this?" Seriously, why was she asking him that? Eda shrugged in response.

"Well, I just assumed you'd be able to explain it to me, since that sort of thing is associated with Wicca..." Rotton couldn't help but slightly gawk at the woman's answer.

"You think I'm a Wiccan?" Rotton asked in disbelief. Rotton didn't have a problem with Wicca or anything of the sort, he just didn't belong to that religion.

"Well, I just figured, what with you being a 'wizard' and all, you'd know a thing or two about it..." Rotton deadpanned a bit at the woman's explanation. She didn't seriously mistake his moniker for a religious title, did she?

"I'm not a Wiccan," Rotton verified, "Furthermore, there is no such thing as a 'wizard' in Wicca. Indeed, there are males that practice the religion and the rituals associated with it, but they are regarded as 'witches,' not wizards." Rotton figured he might as well have added that bit of information just to make it clear that his moniker had nothing to do with a religion.

"Ah, I see. I guess it was a bit ignorant of me to think that you belonged to Wicca under an assumption of a title. Sorry about that," Eda apologized. Rotton simply nodded and looked to his right again, before looking down at his wrist and checking his watch. He sighed. It was now fifteen minutes past the meeting time and Shenhua and Sawyer still weren't there.

"So... what subdivision of neopaganism do you belong to?" Eda asked. Rotton deadpanned at the question.

"Pardon?" he asked meekly.

"Well, you specified that the term 'wizard' wasn't used in Wicca, so I assume you belong to another group of paganism..." Eda shrugged again. Rotton shook his head from side to side in disbelief. There was no way this woman was serious. There was no way she could be that naïve in regards to his moniker. She had to be messing with him.

"I'm not a pagan," Rotton said, "My title, 'the Wizard,' has nothing to do with a religion regarding paganism." Eda tilted her chin up a bit.

"So, it doesn't have anything to do with neopaganism? Okay," Eda said, seemingly understanding Rotton's explanation. The bounty hunter sighed in relief.

"So... you worship... the 'Dark One'?" Eda asked quietly, hunching over a bit, holding up her index and middle fingers and bending them twice to indicate the quotation. Rotton's jaw dropped.

"I am not a Satanist," Rotton said harshly. Honestly, what the hell? There was absolutely no way this nun was being serious. She was just trying to taunt him now. Eda giggled a bit at Rotton's verification.

"Oh, I see I've made you a tad upset. I'm sorry, I'm sorry," said the nun with an amused smile on her face. Rotton said nothing and exhaled hoarsely, slumping a bit against the wall and locking his shoulders closer to his head.

"Really, I am sorry," Eda said, "I must have been confusing you with that creepy chainsaw girl..." Though they were concealed by his sunglasses, it was easy to see that Rotton eyes had formed a glare as he tore himself away from the wall and stood defiantly in front of the nun.

"Sawyer is not a Satanist," Rotton stated firmly. Though the gothic woman had never shared her religious beliefs with Rotton, it was highly unlikely that she was involved with Satanism. He had been to her residence on several occasions and Sawyer's place had a few Gothic-styled crosses throughout, but not a single pentagram was in sight. She even owned articles of clothing with a cross on them. He did note that Sawyer had a particular tie with an inverted cross on it, but it was more likely that Sawyer wore crosses and decorated her place with them for aesthetic values rather than religious ones. It just aggravated him a bit that somebody was making a false accusation that was most likely based on a stereotype of Sawyer's preferred manner of dress.

"Alright, alright, I get it. The spooky ghost chick isn't a Satanist. No need to get testy now," Eda said with a grin, holding her hands up in a light defense. Rotton couldn't help but scowl.

"She's not 'the spooky ghost chick.' Her name is Sawyer," Rotton said defensively. Really, he knew it wasn't polite to speak to another woman so harshly, but he refused to let someone speak ill of Sawyer and get away with it. Eda couldn't help but chuckle.

"Okay, okay," she said. Rotton sighed in irritation, abandoned his defiant stance and leaned against the wall, crossing his arms across his chest once more. He assumed now the nun was going to leave him alone and go elsewhere, but it was to no avail. She was still standing there, looking at him with even more intrigue than she had been five minutes ago. Rotton sighed again.

"...Yes?"

"What? Oh, I'm just wondering what religion you really belong to," Eda said casually, as if it was an everyday behavior to go around wondering what a person's personal religion was and then ask them about it. "Hmm... You don't look like you'd be into Islam..."

"I'm not," Rotton said, growing increasingly more annoyed at the nun's prodding. Eda, seeming oblivious to Rotton's annoyance, went on.

"Huh, a Buddhist perhaps?"

"I'm not a Buddhist."

"A Mormon?"

"I'm not a Mormon."

"Hmm... maybe you're one of those Neo-druids I've heard about--"

"I told you before, I'm not a pagan," Rotton stated. He knew what Neo-druidism was. He was wondering if the nun was trying to see how far she could push him before he completely lost it, or if she was a just another testament to the "dumb blonde" stereotype. Rotton personally thought it was the former. No one was really that oblivious. The Cheshire cat grin on Eda's face was also a rather prominent hint to her intentions as well.

"Just checking to see if you were paying attention to what I was saying," Eda said playfully. "Hmm... I don't think you're a Taoist like that Chinese woman..."

"Her name is Shenhua, and she's Taiwanese," Rotton confirmed. The nun was right about Shenhua being a Taoist, and she was close to the Chinese thing. Ethnicity wise, Shenhua had Chinese blood, but she was Taiwanese in regards to her nationality. Rotton knew that Shenhua was proud of her roots in Taiwan, and she was extremely specific about it, and she expected others to be specific about it as well.

"And I'm not a Taoist," Rotton added. Eda tilted her head to the side and held her chin in her hand.

"Hmm... Then maybe you're—"

"Why are you pondering something like that?" Rotton interrupted, "Really, why do you care so much about what religion I belong to? What does it matter to you?" Eda grinned at that.

"Well, in case you haven't noticed, I am a nun," she said as she tugged the veil of her habit.

"From the Church of Violence," Rotton added. He wasn't a newbie. He knew what went on in that place.

"However, I'm still a nun," Eda continued, "Is it so terrible for me to be curious about the spiritual state of others?"

"What do you care?" Seriously, what did someone else's "spiritual state" have to do with Eda's personal life? The blonde haired woman pouted a bit.

"Come now, don't be so harsh. You just... interest me a bit, that's all."

"Interest?" The moment Rotton heard that word, he suddenly got terrible feeling in his stomach. He didn't like where this conversation was going.

"Well, I figure if you're some sort of heathen, I'd be able to enlighten you—"

"You mean convert me?" He wasn't aware of it, but Rotton had said the word "convert" like it left a bad taste in his mouth. Eda was aware of it, though.

"Oh, don't have that sort of attitude. Honestly, is the mere thought of it really that bad? I mean, so many religions require so many rituals, it's like they want you to jump through flaming hoops to make you prove your worth. All you really need when you're Catholic is a little faith—"

"Protestants are the ones who embrace the concept of salvation through 'a little faith.' You Catholics believe faith and works are what it takes to get into Heaven. And even then, you believe if they don't do enough work and go to confession to 'cleanse' their sins, they get shafted and end up in Purgatory," Rotton stated. Eda raised her eyebrows, seemingly impressed.

"Well, what do you know? I found myself a scholar," the nun said, taking a step closer to the silver haired merc.

"It's common knowledge," Rotton muttered, subtly inching away from the woman as he spoke.

"Oh, don't be so modest," Eda said as she reached an arm out to him, "Though, it seems you're a tad bitter about Catholicism. Is there anything that could possibly change your mind?" Rotton's former irritation manifested itself into an uncomfortable knot sitting in the base of his gut as the nun placed her hand on his shoulder.

"I'm not bitter," the merc said, trying his best to hide his discomfort, "It's just... not something I believe in..."

"Oh? Well, that's not a very pleasant outlook," said the nun in a sultry tone as she placed her other arm on Rotton's bicep. "Hmm, though there is still hope, you know. Why don't you come back to the Church with me and we can... discuss the matter in a confessional. You look like a man that's committed a few sins in his time..." Rotton immediately froze as he felt the nun snake her right hand around his waist before she placed it on his butt.

Dear God, he was getting molested by a nun in front of a Chinese restaurant.

His eyes darted back and forth looking for Sawyer and Shenhua, but to no avail. They still hadn't shown up. Rotton let out a staggered sigh and closed his eyes. Maybe if he thought really hard, he could send a telepathic message to Sawyer. They were video game partners, after all. Their bond was strong.

"Sawyer... please... arrive..." Rotton thought. He opened his eyes, but it was a hopeless effort. The cleaner was nowhere to be seen. Rotton lightly groaned and looked at his watch. It was twenty three minutes past the designated meeting time. Rotton glared daggers at the mechanism on his wrist.

Rotton swore, he was going to own Sawyer in Mortal Kombat for making him wait so long.

Shenhua, maybe she could help...

"Shenhua—" Rotton's feeble attempt at a telepathic message was interrupted as he felt Eda's left hand find its way onto his torso while her right hand moved further up his back. His eyes widened and he gritted his teeth in shock and discomfort as he felt her begin to massage the muscles underneath. He swore, Shenhua was going to be the one to pay the bill for not showing up on time and making him go through this...

"Oh, why are you so tense? I just want to have a little... religious discussion with you," Eda drawled in a seductive manner.

"I don't think what you want to do with me has anything to do with religion," Rotton said, trying his best to keep his composure. He was desperately trying to think of a way to get the nun to stop violating him in the Biblical sense. Unfortunately, while he was thinking of a way to get Eda off of him, the nun had pinned him to the wall. While she was still caressing him, she leaned in so her lips were centimeters from his ear.

"Don't be so nervous now. I'm just a curious nun from the Ripoff Church. Don't you wanna come back to the Church with me and let me know why you're really called 'the Wizard'? "

... Oh, that was it. Rotton couldn't stand this anymore.

In one swift motion, he moved his head away from her lips, grabbed Eda's wrists and flung her away from his body. Eda stumbled a bit, but quickly regained her balance. She looked back at him in disbelief. Did he just push her away?

"What is the matter with you Catholic nuns?" Rotton asked aloud, frustrated as well as flustered. "You think for every person you convert, the Virgin Mary is going to hand you a 'GET OUT OF SIN FREE' card so you don't have to go to confession?" The phrase was a cryptic message that translated into "I'm not interested. Please leave me alone."

It was extremely out of character for Rotton to be speaking to a woman in such a way, but damn it, that nun pushed him too far. Eda scowled and crossed her arms across her chest.

"Damn, you're whipped," Eda commented. "What? Are you afraid your girlfriends are going to chop you into pieces if they see you with another woman?" Rotton looked at Eda with a bemused expression.

"Girlfriends?"

"Chainsaw lady and the Taiwanese chick," Eda proclaimed, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Well, you gotta be getting it on with either one or both of them if you're resisting a chance with me. So, which one are you involved with?" Rotton crossed his arms and made eye contact.

"The nature of the relationships I have with Sawyer and Shenhua are between us, and only us. It's none of your business." Eda scoffed at that explanation as she grinned from ear to ear.

"I knew it. You're sleeping with both of them." Rotton deadpanned and flushed at the remark. He was about to respond, but a jubilant voice pierced the air and took the place of Rotton's retort.

"Aiya! We so late! You waiting so long! So sorry, so sorry!" Shenhua exclaimed as she ran up to the silver haired merc and gave him a hug, Sawyer following right behind the assassin.

"We would have been here on time, but Sawyer had to make emergency clean up," Shenhua explained. Sawyer gave Shenhua a scolding glance.

"I wouldn't have had to do an emergency clean up... in the first place... if you would've just controlled your urge... to turn that guy... into a PEZ dispenser," Sawyer reasoned. Shenhua closed her eyes and waved her hand up and down, as if she was dismissing Sawyer's words. The cleaner just rolled her eyes at the assassin's motion, not thinking much of it. Rotton arched an eyebrow at this, but didn't say anything. He was better off not asking what had happened.

Shenhua and Sawyer made a movement that hinted that they were going into the restaurant, but they stopped as they noticed the blonde nun standing off to the side. Shenhua was immediately livid.

"What in hell you doing here?!"

"Hey, hey, don't mind me," said the nun calmly as she put her open hands up in a light defensive gesture, trying her best to ignore the mental daggers Shenhua was stabbing into her soul. "I'm just a simple passersby getting from one place to another. Bye bye," Eda said casually as she winked at the group –Rotton in particular— before turning around and walking away, Shenhua glaring death rays at the woman's back. If looks could kill, Eda would've been reincarnated one thousand times and sent to Hell.

"You knew her?" Rotton asked.

"Yes," Shenhua said irritably through gritted teeth, "Stupid whore is reason I end up in hospital." Rotton went rigid at that. Crap. So not only had he just been groped, fondled and violated by a nun, but he had been groped, fondled and violated by a nun that had shot Shenhua full of lead.

"Not bad in one sense, though," Shenhua reflected, "If stupid nun had not shot me, I might never get to know Rotton," she finished sweetly. A small smile found its way onto Rotton's face, while Sawyer opened her mouth, stuck out her tongue and moved her index finger in a mocking motion in front of her mouth that hinted she wanted to throw up. Though, secretly, she thought what Shenhua said was rather sweet too.

"I still hate that bitch, though," Shenhua added.

"How long... was she here? For a moment, I thought... I saw you talking to her. She seemed... amused," Sawyer noted. Rotton tensed up again, before clearing his throat and giving her an answer.

"She was only here for a little while. She wanted to discuss... religion with me," Rotton shrugged, trying his best not to seem suspicious. He definitely wasn't going to add that the nun had been molesting him in front of the restaurant. It was bad enough Shenhua held a grudge for getting shot by the woman, he didn't need to add fuel to the fire and give the Taiwanese merc an excuse to chase Eda down the street and gut her like a fish too. Shenhua scoffed as Sawyer rolled her eyes, flanking the man as they walked into the restaurant.

"Talk religion my ass. She probably just trying to find way to sleep with you," Shenhua assessed, "Good thing we show up when we did. Bad enough you talk to her. You might have catch something if she touch you." Rotton said nothing while he felt Sawyer protectively wrap her arms around his forearm and rest her head against his bicep, a small, solemn smile on her face. As the trio made their way up to a table, Rotton went over the previous events that had occurred only a few minutes before. The intrigued look in Eda's eyes, the sultry tone of her voice, and the discomfort and malaise of Rotton's personal space being invaded; It was at that precise moment Rotton made a certain decision.

He would never convert to the Catholic faith.

THE END

A/N: Yes, I know. The writing in this is a tad bit different from my usual in-depth character studies, but that was on purpose. You see, my brain can only handle working scrupulously on serious stories for so long. I need to give it a break and let my mind relax, and one of the ways I let my mind relax is to write fics of the humorous nature (Or, you know, attempt to write fics of the humorous nature). But why a crackfic? Why a one-sided Rotton/Eda of all things?

Because, as they say, I did it for the lulz.

The term "wizard" is never regarded as an official title in any religion. Typically, male practitioners of a religion that involves witchcraft are referred to as "witches." The term "wizard" is more commonly used when referring to a role-playing game or something associated with a fantasy/Middle Earth centered genre... or when mentioning a certain silver haired mercenary in Black Lagoon.

Now, please don't misunderstand. I like Eda. I think she's a cool character. As well as Sawyer... and Shenhua... and Balalaika... and... Well, you get my point. Anyway, I know Shenhua's trash talking was a bit mean, but it made sense to make her attitude towards Eda bitter. Eda did shoot her, after all. And no, I wouldn't say Eda was being slutty. I'm more inclined to say she was being... erm...assertively flirtatious. She was just doing all that stuff to mess around with Rotton, really.

You can decide whether the Rotton/Sawyer/Shenhua thing is a fluffy platonic friendship or if they're a ménage à trois like Eda said.

Maybe when my brain needs to relax again, I'll write a second part to this story centered around Eda's perspective.

Cheers.