Hel-lo, I'm Wensleydale Cheddar. I rip off catchphrases so you don't have to! …Okay, that's the last time I'm using this phrase. Welcome to the new episode of South Park Aargh. I know you waited a long time for this, if you're still interested, that is. But if you're not, you probably aren't even reading this, unless you're reading my fics for the first time, but it's not the pilot episode, so that's probably not the case…
…Anyway, I promised some of you, by which I mean you, who have read "People Spouting Howdy Neighbour", a Zetaboards SPA forum. Although I still recommend the more global and popular South Park Land, run by Doingyourmom and Coyote Smith. You can find the link to their board on my site. The address is as follows: w11(d-o-t)zetaboards(d-o-t)com(slash)SouthParkAargh(slash)index(slash)
Replace the dots and slashes with the actual stuff and you'll get there. I don't know if I'm risking being deleted or not, but I'm already drawing the line with posting almost all my fics in script format, so… Oh, right, I almost forgot!
The story is written in the form of a script, to maintain the similarity to the original show. Kenny's lines are between brackets to indicate that they are muffled. Cartman's tendency to say "kewl" instead of "cool" is also maintained. I've decided to give Fiona an even stronger Scottish accent, so if it is difficult to read, please inform me.
Since I haven't got deleted yet, I hereby thank this site for understanding that format isn't the synonym of quality.
So, without further ado, let's move on to the 8th season's finale.
[The opening sequence – the one from the 8th season. The music plays the third, country-style title theme]
Les Claypool: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.
Kyle + Stan: Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation!
Les Claypool: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.
Cartman: Ample Parking Day or Night, people spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor"!
Les Claypool: I'm headin' down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.
Butters: Loo, loo, loo, I've got some apples, loo, loo, loo, you've got some too!
Les Claypool: So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine.
SOUTH PARK AARGH: Episode 817/ #05 – The Prince And The Porpoise
[The episode begins with a view of a wooden fence which appears to be located between Stan's and Fiona's houses. The boys and some of their classmates are playing volleyball with the fence acting as a net. We see Kenny approaching them from the street]
KENNY: (Hey, guys, what's going on?)
STAN: Our dads put up this fence so that they wouldn't see each other that often. Wanna play volleyball with us?
KENNY: (No way, dude, that's a girls' sport! Who brought the ball?
BUTTERS: Uh, I think Clyde did.
KENNY: (Oh. Clyde?)
CLYDE: Yeah?
KENNY: (You're a fag.)
CLYDE: [Thinks. He answers after a moment of silence] …No, I'm not!
[Meanwhile, Cartman serves the ball. It hits Clyde on the head while he's looking at Kenny. He falls over]
CARTMAN: [bursts into laughter] Hahahahah! Did you guys see that?
STAN: [sighs] Get up, Clyde. You gotta pay attention, dude.
JASON: He's right, you know? Attention is important.
TOKEN: Actually, volleyball's not so gay. A lot of guys from Europe I know play it.
KENNY: (Well, a lot of guys from Europe are fags.)
FIONA: Oy! That wasnae nice!
[Walter Darling and Randy Marsh come out of their homes at the same time]
WALTER: I say, Fiona, what's happening?
RANDY: Staaan? Staaan! What's going on, Stan?
STAN: We're having a volleyball match, dad. Please, stay out of this.
FIONA: …Whit he said.
WALTER: Oh, jolly good. Why can't you play proper sports, like polo or cricket?
RANDY: You're only saying that because you're afraid my son's team will whoop your daughter's ass!
WALTER: For your information, Randy, we say "smash her bottom" down here! And how exactly is he going to do that when he doesn't even know how to play the game? Look at the way he's serving!
STAN: [to himself] I don't like where this is going…
RANDY: Come on, Stan, let's show this English prick how the Marshes play. Soon, those guys will be squealing and hiding like porpoises in their shells!
WENDY: What? Mr. Marsh, porpoises don't have shells!
STAN: Nobody asked you, Wendy.
ANNIE: She's right… though. Porpoises… are fish and fish don't have… shells.
WENDY: Porpoises aren't fish, they're sea mammals! Jesus Christ, Annie, you really didn't know that?!
ANNIE: Are they? [timidly] I'm ever so… sorry.
[There is a moment of silence]
RANDY: [enthusiastically] All right, let's do this!
[He serves the ball. It hits Fiona on the other side with a powerful blow and hits the fence againwith a ricochet. One of the wooden planks comes loose]
FIONA: [falls over] Ow!
WALTER: You blithering idiot, now look what you did! It was a perfectly good fence and you ruined it!
RANDY: It's all right, Darling, you can get it fixed, gawd!
WALTER: Me? You were the one who broke it!
FIONA: Uh… Dad, Ah 'hink thare's omething' wrang wit' me arm!
WALTER: Not now, Fiona, your father is busy dealing with this American. [spits]
RANDY: Well, technically, I didn't break it. It bounced back from your daughter.
WALTER: That's the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard!
STAN: [to the kids, while the two neighbours continue to argue in the background] This can go on for a long time… I'd go home if I were you guys.
[The children nod and slowly scatter in all directions]
RANDY: …Fine! I'll see you in court, Darling!
WALTER: Don't call me Darling!
[Finally, only Fiona remains outside, wounded]
FIONA: Lads? Can anyone help?
[We cut to Token and Kenny walking home]
KENNY: (So you've got a bus stop over there, right?)
TOKEN: Yeah, what about you?
KENNY: (Well, I live right here.)
[He points at the McCormick residence. They can hear noises coming out from the house]
STUART'S VOICE: Give me back my beer, bitch!
CAROL'S VOICE: Not until y' get a job, y' drunken piece of shit!
[The shouting continues. Kenny pinches the bridge of his nose, clearly embarrassed]
KENNY: (Jesus Christ…)
TOKEN: Whoa, dude. Are these your parents?
KENNY: (Yeah, sorry about that. They get up to this every now and then… I'd better go now… There's dinner waiting for me… Couple of pop-tarts and a glass of muddy water…)
[He walks a few steps home. Token thinks for a second, then stops him]
TOKEN: Hey, whoa. Tell you what, Kenny, my parents aren't having anyone over for dinner tonight, maybe you'd like to come round?
KENNY: (You're… offering me to eat at your house? For free?)
TOKEN: Well, yeah. Of course, if you don't wanna come…
[Kenny pushes him to the bus stop and accompanies him, patting him on the back]
KENNY: [grins under his parka] (I've got a feeling, Token, that we're gonna become best friends ever!)
[Token's room. Kenny is lying on Token's big bed and stroking his own full belly while Token is inserting a game into his X-box.
KENNY: (Man, I haven't been this stuffed for years! Your mom is a wonderful cook!)
TOKEN: Thanks, but it's not my mom's. We have our own French cook.
KENNY: (Your own cook? Man, you're lucky… How is it that you have all your stuff back? I thought you were robbed last week or something?)
TOKEN: Yeah, my dad invested the money he got from selling our house in this thing called Status Quo. And it paid off.
KENNY: (Huh, I wish my family had something to invest… Man, you're so lucky to have such a big house!)
TOKEN: [raises an eyebrow] I would've been more lucky if you hadn't taken away my plate back then.
KENNY: [scratches the back of his head, slightly embarrassed] (Yeah, sorry about that… I'm just used to fighting over food with my brother.)
TOKEN: Really? That's gotta be fun.
KENNY: [sighs] (Well, it would be… If he weren't bigger and stronger and didn't win all the time…)
TOKEN: Huh… Fighting over food… It wouldn't do here at all… Everything has to be proper and perfect and in place… It gets so fucking boring here… And the worst part is I live so far away from my friends that the only time I get to see them is at school…
KENNY: (What are you talking about? This place is amazing! You of all people have no right to complain! You get three heavenly courses for dinner, you have plasma TV, channels from all over the world, three rooms just for yourself, X-box, all the video games I could only dream of and you still say it's boring here?!)
TOKEN: Yeah! Is it really so difficult to believe I'd like to be you?
KENNY: (What?! Why?)
TOKEN: You have a great relationship with people. They like you for who you are, not for how much money you have. You have three friends you've been hanging around with since forever! And you've got a brother and sister. I never knew what that's like.
KENNY: (Wow. I guess one always wants to be someone else…)
TOKEN: Yeah… [Thinks for a second, then comes up with an idea] Hey, Kenny… Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
KENNY: (Well, that depends. Are you thinking about how well-shaped Sally Darson's boobs might be in a few years time?)
TOKEN: Uh… No. I was wondering… I'd like to be like you and you'd like to be like me… And we kind of have similar faces, right?
KENNY: (We do?)
TOKEN: Haven't you noticed?
KENNY: (I probably would… But I don't look at the mirror that much… Ours is cracked and filthy and stuff.)
TOKEN: So anyway… How about we change places for a few days? You'll be Token and I'll be Kenny.
KENNY: (You think no-one will notice?)
TOKEN: Why should they? Similar faces, remember?
KENNY: [grins] (You know what? You got me! That'll be kinda fun, it's a deal! Are we gonna start now?)
TOKEN: Yeah! We'd better change our clothes. Then I'll say goodbye to my parents as you and I'll go to your home. Just think how much fun it's going to be tomorrow at school…
KENNY: (Yeah! Woo-hoo!)
Read, review and visit the forum to find the poster images for SPA episodes. By the way, if you speak Spanish, also check Coyote Smith's works. That's all from me for today.
WDC