Barney had a simple morning routine, but it was nonetheless awesome because he was awesome! He arose with the sun and then set about his bathroom regimen, which centered around bathing in orphan tears. It does wonders for the complexion, you know, and it was how Barney managed to have such a fresh face. That is, he used to scrub daily with orphan tears until he found a better method that was much more potent, but that comes later.
Nevertheless, after Barney woke up and performed his daily rejuvenation ritual, he then hunkered down at the kitchen table and poured himself a bowl of Froot Loops, which is the real breakfast of champions. Don't let anyone ever tell you different because if it's good enough for Barney, then it's good enough for everyone else. However, Robin always nagged him to eat a real man's breakfast, but Robin's idea of a real man's breakfast involves going out into the woods, finding a family of wild hogs, slitting Momma Hog's throat in front of her baby hogs, catching the blood in a glass, tossing the baby hogs into a sag, hoisting Momma Hog onto your shoulder, and carrying the family and glass home. (You leave Daddy Hog alive for him to repopulate with his group of Skank Hogs.) Once home, you cooked the babies alive on the stove or in the oven because the meat just tasted better that way. And to wash such a fine meal down, you drank from the glass that held Momma's blood. Delish.
But Barney never was in the mood for killing a Momma Hog in front of her baby hogs, so he settled for his loops, which were better anyway. Besides, unless Robin was suggesting an orgy, a three way, a new sex position that wasn't Canadian, anything else of a sexual nature, or pertaining to kicking puppies or drowning kittens, or driving a van into a field hosting the Special Olympics, the Barnacle had no time for that. 'Cause he was a busy man. 'Cause he was too busy doing...things. Awesome things, of course.
And then Barney went about his day, doing whatever the hell he did at his job, and of course doing awesome things like beating a group of eight-year-olds at laser tag, eating double cheese burgers in homeless peoples' faces and only offering them a packet of mustard, or using an untraceable phone number to text the numbers of hoes he'd banged in the past with messages that said "Last night was fun. Cannot wait to see you again." It made him snigger to think about the relationships he was probably ruining if the hoes' boyfriends or husbands saw the texts. Gave him the warm fuzzies.
And then after a day of being Barney and doing awesome things, he then usually ended it by going to MacLaren's and spending time with his wifey, his friends, and... What was that random schmuck's name? The one with spiky hair and an obsession with gag-inducing things like architecture and...gag...love? Todd? Tim? Clarence? Oh, yeah, Clarence! That was that sap's name. Clarence Doucher McLoserface. The sad sack who was gonna die alone. Because let's face it, he deserved it. He wasn't awesome like Barney, and only awesome people deserve to be happy. Yeah.
Usually Clarence Doucher McLoserface was staring off into space because he'd become practically mute over the years-not that anything of value was lost by Clarence pretty much taking a vow of silence; Clarence never had anything worth saying. Ever. And I do mean ever. He was just kinda there to make everyone feel better about themselves, like that group of hot chicks with the one ugly fat chick named Gertie. Clarence was the Gertie of Barney's group because everyone looked at him and thought, "Good thing I'm not him!" So it was just as well that Clarence usually said nothing, since really it gave Barney and Robin more time to high five as they told Marshall and Lily about the time they pushed an old man out of his wheel chair and then ran off with it. But Barney and Robin could do that because they were quirky. And awesome. And they also had messed up childhoods, so they just basically got a free pass for everything they ever did ever. People like them just can't be judged like regular people. It's just how it goes.
Marshall and Lily usually yacked on and on about something going on in their lives, but Barney didn't pay attention. Not that they usually said much stuff of value. Really, Barney was just being generous spending precious, precious time with these people, since they were technically holding him back. But Barney was just a generous guy like that.
And then to end an awesome day, Barney and Robin went home and had awesome, mind blowing sex. Because that's what they did best. They had great sex. That's why they got along so well. That and because they both loved tripping people, pretending it was an accident and offering a hand, then jerking it back and yelling "Sucker!" After that they went home, laughing the whole way about what awesome people they were. And then they banged. Six times. In half an hour. With very short breaks in between because their sex drives were that high, and Barney only needed a few minutes for it to stand back up. You know, because he's awesome. Yeah.
AwesomeemoseA AwesomeemosewA AwesomeemosewA
Another thing that made Barney so awesome was that he loved America, and you can love your country while still disliking the people who run it. So he decided to run for the 2020 election, 'cause 2020's a cool number, and when would he get another opportunity like that? Not in his lifetime... Or at least he thought so, but that's coming up soon enough.
So Barney created a new political party, which he dubbed the Awesome Party. His running mate was John Stamos, and their campaign slogan was "Make America Awesome...er!" The American public, becoming increasingly jaded with politics, eagerly welcome the Awesome Party with its attractive leaders that were dressed in the finest of suits. John Stamos looked like the way he did in Full House, except with a suit and shorter hair, and Barney looked like the way he did in 2005. The reason for this was because Barney had discovered that he could suck the life force out of others to keep him youthful and spry. He passed on his secrets to John Stamos and Robin, but those secrets were never discovered by anyone else.
Naturally, the Stinson-Stamos Dream Team won by a landslide, and they brought prosperity and health care to America and whatnot. It was then, however, that Barney and Robin finally realized how dumb it was for them to keep pretending that they bought into the monogamy/true love spiel, so they staged a scandal. Barney "caught" Robin with the press secretary, Belinda, and he gained a lot of sympathy for it.
Robin and Barney had a "messy" divorce, when secretly they parted on good terms and still occasionally booty called one another. So it was all good. Really. Robin became an ice goddess and built a citadel of ice somewhere in the woods in Canada, and it snowed year round in Robin's domain. Robin built up an extensive harem of hot, muscular guys who only wore leather underwear and furry boots, and their vocal cords and voice boxes had been ripped out so they couldn't talk. Robin preferred her men silent, strong, and submissive, and there was nothing wrong with that. That was how Robin rolled.
While Robin made her kingdom as cold as she felt, Barney was busy rocking the presidency thing back in the States. Barney traveled in style. While previous presidents traveled in boring limos, Barney rode in a carriage pulled by a team of second and third graders. America lauded him for it; after all, the obesity rate in America was alarmingly high, and Barney was giving the kids exercise. Plus it built character, pulling the president's carriage, and it taught the children to persevere even when their little legs were tired. Soon enough, everyone in America had a child drawn carriage so they could be more like Barney, and America's pollution crisis went down considerably, and America used less oil since cars had become obsolete.
Barney often gave weekly pep talks to the nation to keep up morale. Barney had forgotten to drain the life force out of a White House gardener before his televised speech, so he had no choice but to pick up one of the children that stood around his podium, waving America's new and improved flag, which was a picture of Barney winking and giving the double thumbs up in front of a silver, black, and blue background. Barney had been in the middle of telling America's citizens how awesome they were when he felt the need to feed arise in him, so he plucked up a little girl in a pink dress and sucked the life out of her before he dropped the husk and continued his speech like nothing had happened. The nation had been shocked at first, but then everyone shrugged and figured that Barney felt like he didn't deserve America, and so was subconsciously trying to self-sabotage. Yeah, that was a good, legitimate reason for his behavior. After all, it must have been so strange accepting what he had. He didn't mean to cause harm. Not at all. Plus, that little girl would have been happy to serve her president and country.
America loved Barney and John as president and VP so much that officials amended the Constitution to make his presidency last for as long as Barney pleased. And since Barney was immortal so long as he fed on others, he could be president for a long, long time.
Over time Barney forged and strengthened the bonds of a global alliance until every other nation fell under America's grand empire. Barney was named World Leader, and rightfully so.
Now, there is a group of deities that overlook the universe, and they are called The Council of Supreme Beings, and they were pleased with Barney. They were so impressed with Barney's ability to unite his world that they granted him true immortality and named him Lord of All Things AWESOME! Barney was pleased now that his true destiny was realized.
However, there was one thing that he lacked: a companion as awesome as he. True, Robin had been pretty awesome, but they both needed to realize their true potential on their own, and he had forty-three divorces after her. And one day, when he was looking in the mirror as he pleasured himself, that's when he realized he'd always had his ideal companion, the one that he could spend the rest of eternity with and never grow tired of: himself. So Barney made an almost exact copy of himself, except he gave his clone lady bits and a giant rack. She was beautiful and her name was Barnella. She wore dresses and high heels and the best perfume, and she and Barney shared the same interests. It was with Barnella where Barney found true happiness. And since Barney was happy, everyone else was happy.
True story.