This piece was inspired by a write-off challenge, "Write-Off Challenge revived!" on ppmb requiring a Daria tale to be spun around a unicorn and fifty-five gallon drums of water-based lube. I was not part of the challenge but this yarn came into my noggin. Mai Ling is my character from my tale, Daria Digs. I don't own Daria. This is intended solely for the entertainment of Daria fans and no material gain whatsoever.
The One, Pure and Untouched
"Daria, Mai, come look," Quinn called excitedly from the second-story porch of the Ling's farmhouse.
Daria and Mai regretfully broke from their kiss and hustled from Mai's bedroom, down the hall and out onto the wide flat open area over the Ling's laundry room which Quinn called a balcony, Daria called a deck and Mai insisted was a porch. They joined Quinn who was leaning on a white wooden railing and gazing into the Ling's backyard.
Quinn brushed back the filmy veil hanging off her hat and pointed down. She was wearing a long, pink gown of a type which Lawndale High students and Mr. O'Neill had deemed medieval enough for their summer production of Romeo and Juliet.
For the past week Daria had resisted the urge to paint 'DUNCE' on the tall pointed pink cap gracing Quinn's head. Quinn wanted to practice her Juliet lines on Mai's balcony-deck-porch and Daria did not object to using her newly-minted driver license to bring Quinn out to recite and Daria to see Mai in the process.
"What the fuck?" Mai softly exclaimed. The three girls looked down at a large white horse trotting from here to there inside the Ling's fenced in backyard.
"How did that get there?" Mai wondered out loud.
The fence was over eight feet high and of strong woven wire. The only entrances were the Ling's locked back door and a securely closed gate. The gate was flanked by two high, thick fence posts and did not look wide enough for a horse. The girls could not see a break in the well-maintained barriers.
"It's got a horn," Mai was the first to state what the other two hardly dared believe or say. The horse stopped and cocked its head to regard the Ling's large flower and vegetable garden.
Mai started downstairs. "C'mon you guys. We gotta get it out of there before it eats Ma's plants."
Mai led the way carefully out the back door. The horse turned to look disinterestedly at the three girls standing on the concrete steps. It turned its attention back to some bright nasturtiums and ambled into the garden.
"Shoo horsey." Daria commanded, surprising herself by stepping onto the grass and making what she hoped were horse-shooing motions.
"Am I trying to impress my girlfriend? Yipe, my girlfriend and she's the one to play cowgirl in the lot of us."
"Careful, Daria." Mai put a hand on her shoulder. "Some jerk attached a horn to that poor horse's head. It can't be a happy camper with that thing weighing it down."
"It doesn't look fake." Quinn protested. "What if it's really a unicorn? Then again don't unicorns have wings too?"
"That's My Little Pony royalty, Quinn." Daria corrected.
"Or W.B. Yeats," Mai added causing Daria to form a tiny smile in delight at her girlfriend's erudition.
"Hey you!" Mai cried a moment later. "Get away from Ma's flowers."
The horse looked up and trotted off as Mai hopped off the steps and took long-legged strides to the garden, waving her arms briskly. Quinn and Daria followed and kept a wary eye on the horse as they looked down at what Mai was studying on the flowerbeds.
"What Mai?" Daria asked. "What do you see?"
"What I don't see. Look, we all saw that big horse standing all fours on this black dirt. It's still soft from the rain a couple days ago. So, where are the freakin' hoof prints?"
Daria inspected the ground closer. Several feet into the garden were chomped nasturtiums. But the ground was undisturbed. She stepped onto the garden in her high, heavy black boots, walked to the flowers then back.
"See?" Mai said. "Even a pipsqueak like you leaves deep impressions in those shit-kickers. So, why not the horse?"
"Pipsqueak?" Daria objected. "Oh, rest assured, I'll get you later."
"Please do." Mai smirked suggestively. Quinn rolled her eyes.
"There's only one explanation," Daria ventured. "All this fresh air is causing mass hallucinations."
"What about me? I live here. I'm used to it." Mai objected.
"You're obviously highly susceptible to our suggestions." Daria concluded.
"Guys," Quinn brought up. "If it's a unicorn, shouldn't a virgin be able to catch it? Isn't that right? It's a boy and he'll go for a pure and chaste girl."
Before they could stop her, Quinn strode towards the horse to test her theory.
"Here, horsey, horsey. Here, uh, Rex."
The horse looked at Quinn skeptically and then trotted away. Quinn appeared shocked that anything male could resist her but she regained her composure and turned to her sister and her sister's girlfriend.
"Umm, hey, how about you two try to catch him. That is, umm, if you're both still, you know."
Daria considered the best way to throw her sister under the horse's hooves but Mai shrugged and joined Quinn in making sweet, horse-attracting sounds and moving slowly around the animal. Daria followed. No matter what they said and did or how they maneuvered the horse evaded them effortlessly. Even Mai's offer of a big red apple went unheeded. After about ten frustrating minutes they convened by the garden.
Mai was shielding her eyes against the still bright setting sun and looking intently at the horse. Mai spoke up. "City people. Guys, I mean girls, take a closer look. She's a mare."
"You mean he's a girl?" Quinn asked doubtfully.
"Yeah," Mai nodded. "That's what 'mare' means, Quinn. She's got the horsey version of our…"
Quinn clapped hands over her ears. "Okay, okay, I get it. But what do we do? I don't think she really likes it cooped up in your backyard."
It was true. The horse or unicorn, Daria could not decide what to believe, was looking past the fence and kicking at the ground. Daria remembered her favorite childhood book, Black Beauty, and resolved to get the animal to freedom. But how? The gate appeared too narrow and Mai's stone farmhouse was well-maintained but old, built when people were smaller in stature. The doorways and halls were narrow and low. Then there was the problem of catching the animal. Or could they just make an escape route for it?
"Can we take down part of the fence, Mai?"
"Yeah, we'll have to but it'll take an hour or more to take that much apart. Ba went nuts having us build it high and strong enough to keep out deer and cattle and most anything. He's sort of proud of it."
"And," Mai continued. "We'll have to string up trouble lights to work into the night to put it back together again. Ba'll go ape if he comes back tomorrow morning and finds his precious fence down."
Mai was about to get the necessary tools when a whoomping sound above them caused the four females in the backyard to look up. A helicopter circled overhead a couple times then took off over the house.
"Double WTF?" Mai said as they heard it land somewhere in front of the house. The three humans hustled through the house to the front yard.
All three recognized the logo on the side of the small helicopter kicking up dust on the Ling's gravel driveway. Only Daria and Quinn recognized the bleach-blonde woman hopping out of the machine.
"YOU!" Daria and Val both said in shock as Val came in easier talking range.
Val beat her to the next sentence. "It's because of you that my mag tanked and I have to work for Sick, Sad World. Should be sick, sad and lame."
"Can I get you on video saying that?" Daria retorted. "That should make an interesting segment in itself."
Val was not daunted. "What did you do to that poor horse in the backyard? Or is it a real unicorn? Who cares? However I spin it, it's going to make a great report. Better than that pizza place twerp getting abducted by alien laundry-men again. Humph, he wants a 'hillycopter' ride for a story, does he?"
"Well, love, maybe not today." a clipped, British-accented voice caused everyone to turn to the pilot. "You didn't secure your vid equipment down tight. It's all broken. FUBAR as I believe you Yanks say."
Val scowled, then turned to the three teens and gave them a syrupy smile. "I don't suppose I can borrow a camcorder?"
Mai stepped forward. "What you can do, lady, is get off our property. If you land again, I'm calling the sheriff."
The Brit regarded her coolly but Val was put off by the six-foot girl with muscles well-defined by farm work and volleyball.
"Sure, sweetie." Val recovered. "But you don't own the air. We'll find a big box open and be back to record whatever you sickos are doing to that poor animal."
The girls gaped as Val spun on her heels, boarded the craft and took off instantly.
"Dammit." Mai and Daria said simultaneously.
"We gotta get her out of here." Mai needlessly announced. "Ba will go double-ape if his place is featured on Sick, Sad World. He's getting ready to brand our produce and stuff as organic, healthy and pure, etc. etc. He doesn't need any bad publicity."
"We have some time," Daria speculated. "It's after six on Sunday evening. Lawndale rolls up the sidewalks. They'll have to fly halfway to Briarwood to find something open. Maybe the house isn't too small to get her through. That gate looks too narrow though."
"Are you guys forgetting?" Quinn asked. "She won't come to any of us."
"We can leave the back door open, I guess." Mai said. "But I doubt she'll go in on her own. A normal horse almost certainly would not. And the halls are pretty narrow."
Quinn put her finger on her cheek in thought. "She's apparently doesn't share your preferences. Hmm. A boy unicorn can be caught by a virgin girl. So a girl unicorn…"
The answer came to all three at once, so obvious that no one stated it.
"So we have to find a virgin boy somewhere in Lawndale. Obviously not Kevin." Mai said. "And someone who can get here fast."
"Mack, no, last resort." Daria said. The others nodded. No one wanted to embarrass their friends with such a personal question.
"The three J's, all or one." Daria proposed.
"Trent." Quinn countered with drawing glares from Daria and Mai. The two glanced nervously at each other.
"Forget most every football jock." Mai commanded with certainty. Quinn filed that away for future consultation with Mai.
"Of course!" Daria exclaimed with as much emotion as her deadpan delivery sustained. "Ted, Ted DeWitt-Clinton."
"Great idea." Mai agreed. "Except he happens to go to our church and I know he and the other boys are walking the Appalachian Trail this week."
The three girls stood a bit in despondent thought. They all looked up at once as the one boy who was the likeliest pure and untouched candidate came to them.
"Upchuck!" They all said except Mai said, "Chuck."
Mai moved fast to the kitchen wall phone, an old rotary dial unit which Daria had kidded her about more than once. She flipped open the phone book and dialed the only listing for "Ruttheimer'' in the Lawndale area. Daria and Quinn hopped impatiently from one foot to another as they watched and listened to the old dial spin back and forth.
"Hi, Mr. Ruttheimer? May I speak to Charles please? That's right, sir this is Mai Ling."
A moment later she affected a sweet bubbly voice. "Hi Chuck. This is Mai. Hey, there's this girl at my place who really wants…Hello? Hello? Ai yah."
"I expect he'll be here in under ten minutes," Mai said as she hung up. "If he doesn't wrap his car around a telephone pole at high speed, that is."
"You seem to be familiar with the Ruttheimers." Daria observed with an arched brow.
"Chuck? Oh, he isn't so bad. A lot of the crap at school is just an act; but he's done it so long I sometimes think he believes it now. Ba and Chuck's dad are old hunting buddies and Chuck's done some work for us to toughen him up like his dad suggested."
"Before you found me and Jane to be willing servants." Daria speculated, drawing a grin from Mai as the three returned to the back yard.
"Hey you," Mai yelled arms flailing. "Get away from Ma's carrots!"
The horse or unicorn, Daria still could not believe she was even considering the latter possibility, looked up lazily and moseyed off to a far corner of the backyard.
A moment later they heard a car speed up the gravel and slide to a stop.
"Quinn," Mai commanded. "Stay here and guard my mom's plants. And watch out for unicorn apples."
"Unicorn apples? What…Eww." Quinn suddenly realized what that meant, lifted the hem of her long pink dress and stepped gingerly out to take up position at garden's edge.
Mai and Daria went through the house to greet the new arrival. Charles Ruttheimer III gave Mai and Daria an instant oily smile as he emerged from his large old sedan.
"Oh, my sweet chrysanthemum of the Orient. Your summons sped me on the veritable wings of Hermes to serve you. And now I find a lovely flower of the Northern European vintage to greet me as well." He added a leer which encompassed both girls and caused Daria to shudder and consider that kicking his shin would be counter-productive at the moment.
"Can it, Chuck," Mai was all business. "The girl's in the backyard. Oh, and I've told you. Chrysanthemum is mostly a Japanese thing, I guess. I was born in Lincoln, Nebraska. And I'm Chinese too, remember? Try peony. But 'chrysanthemum', 'Orient', 'Hermes', 'vintage'? You're mixing metaphors or something."
"A rose by any other name, my dear, feisty peony of perfection. But let us repair to your lovely garden. The Chuckster's reputation has made this fair damsel desirous of my presence and I must not disappoint or keep her waiting."
Upchuck looked to be at home in the Ling's farm yard. He vaulted up the front steps and was into the house before Daria or Mai could say anything.
"Chuck, wait, there's something you should know," Mai called quickly following him. He strode rapidly through the house and they almost piled into him as he came to a sudden stop on the top step off the back door. He paused and then stepped slowly down to the ground his eyes glued on the unicorn which was standing under an elm.
"Chuck? Chuck? Are you okay?" Mai asked. She and Daria stood on either side of the spellbound Ruttheimer boy. Quinn was observing from her post near the broccoli.
Upchuck had lost his leer. His eyes were focused on the unicorn and not on what would usually have captivated his attention: Quinn's tight, low bodice and Mai's cutoff jeans. A look of mixed wonder and delight painted his face.
A soft smile played over his lips as he once again found his legs. Not taking eyes off the animal who was carefully watching him as well, he went to the garden and pulled up a carrot. Mai stifled her protest. He brushed dirt off the root and stepped to the elm. The girls watched as he offered the carrot. Without hesitation the animal began munching it slowly from his hand.
Mai, Quinn and Daria glanced at each other as Upchuck put an arm around the unicorn's neck and nuzzled his head into her side. The three snapped out of a trance and approached slowly.
"Well, that solved one problem. Hard to believe but at least one female apparently goes for Upchuck." Daria began. "Now let's see if he can lead her through the house. We need to clear stuff out of the way first."
They turned but a soft, clear voice stopped them short. "Esmeralda—don't call her Esme—won't go into a human house. She hates it bad enough inside this fence."
Chuck was talking to them while looking deep into the unicorn's eyes. "She somehow got separated from her herd. When she tried to jump to them magically she somehow ended up here. Oh dear, let's tear down this fence and let her out."
The lilting leering form of address which they were so used to from Upchuck was gone, replaced by an unfamiliar soft voice of concern and caring. The look he gave the enclosure left no doubt in the girls' minds that he was ready and probably quite able to tear down the heavy woven wire fence with his bare hands.
"This place is full of magic." Chuck stated. "It drew her here but something's also keeping her here too."
"I know the feeling." Daria deadpanned.
Quinn looked over the garden gate carefully. She swung the gate open and shut a few times meditatively.
"Girls," she said while running her eyes over the high, stout fence posts and looking at the suddenly inseparable Chuck-Esmeralda pair. "I think she could just barely squeeze through here."
"Yeah, yeah," Mai said coming up. "It'll be tight but I think you're right, Quinn."
"Otherwise we have to cut up part of the fence, Mai." Daria added. "Video-equipped Val and the chopper will be back soon."
Mai nodded and was about to address Chuck when a sudden squeal of tires and crash sounded from the front of the house.
"Triple WTF?" Mai said running through the house again with Quinn and Daria on her heels. They almost piled into her as she stopped on the step at the front door.
On blacktop County Highway 55 near the end of the Ling's driveway a panel truck was stopped partially in the ditch. The rear door of the cargo bay hung open and large blue barrels of something were strewn on the road and in the ditch.
"Shit, shit, shit." Mai hustled down her driveway with Daria and Quinn scrambling after her. "We'd better see if the driver's okay. Damn, watch out. That stuff might be toxic."
At the end of her driveway Mai slowed down to look at the barrels up close.
"Gross buckets." She said and turned away.
"Mai, what's wrong? What is the stuff? Oh, eww." Quinn said as she read the labels on the barrels: "Now brought to you by Ultra Cola. Ultra lubricant. Pure, water-based, hypoallergenic, ultra slippery and slidey for all your personal lube needs, wants and pleasures. Accept no substitute. Ultra LUBE! 55 Imperial gallons. (Not intended for internal consumption)."
Mai stood and considered something as gobs of slightly-bluish goo seeped out of ruptured barrels. Daria went around to the driver side of the cab to meet a balding, rail-thin middle-aged man emerging shakily.
"Are you okay, sir?"
"Yeah, missy, I'm fine." He regarded the mess on the roadway and ditch and slapped a baseball cap on one knee in frustration. "I done told them idjits at the depot they was securing the load wrongly. But they just laughed at me and made me take her out anyways. Now look at things. Dagnabbit."
Mai and Quinn joined them and the four looked at the mess for a moment.
"Say, girlies. Can you drive me into town? Or at least let me use your phone to call my idjit boss-man?"
Mai suddenly backed away, pulling Quinn and Daria with her.
"Well now, sir." She started in a honeyed fake hayseed hick accent which Daria had only heard her use for extreme sarcasm. "My daddy don't allow no one, no how on our land when we's girls is alone. Sir, I have to ask you to get off'n our property. Cousin Daria, run and fetch me the double-barrel squirrel gun. You know, the one with the rock-salt and double-nought loads."
"Right away, Ellie-Mae." Daria turned as she wondered what Mai was planning.
"No, no. No need for that, girlies." The man held up his hands and backed down the drive. "I'll just walk into Lawndale. It's only five miles."
He mooched off down the blacktop muttering something about young'uns being too suspicious and not helpful to a poor soul in need nowadays. When he rounded a near curve and was out of sight, Mai sprinted to the barn.
She returned with empty one-gallon plastic buckets and tossed one each to Daria and Quinn.
"Get the clean mess. No rocks or garbage." She commanded as she scooped up the quivering fluid. Daria and Quinn repressed their revulsion and gathered a gallon each too.
They went around the house and through the garden gate. Mai put down her pail by the gate as did the other girls.
"Chuck," Mai began. "Someone bad is going to come to take pictures of Esmeralda. We don't want that, do we?"
Chuck earnestly shook his head and listened carefully.
"We don't have enough time to break down the fence. Can you lead her through the gate? It's gonna be close but she should make it with a little help. Then she can get back to her herd on her own, I hope."
Chuck looked solemn and hopeful. He nodded. Instead of leading her he made a dramatic hop and set himself on her back. The unicorn looked back at him and then to the open gateway. Chuck nuzzled her neck as she set off to the gate.
"Oh no," Quinn worried. "It's too narrow. Don't let her hurt herself."
Chuck had put his feet up on the animal's back but even so they could see that it was a tight fit. She whinnied and stamped her hooves a bit as she squared herself with the escape path and prepared to try to squeeze through. Chuck cooed to her.
As Esmeralda's white sides met the unyielding posts Mai scooped up handfuls of lube and slathered the stuff on one side. Daria and Quinn followed her example on their side ignoring the wiggly wet feel of the stuff slopping through their fingers.
"Good girl, good girl. Yes, you'll be free soon, Esmeralda." Chuck encouraged her as her sides began to wiggle and slip through slowly.
She seemed to suck in her sides, her eyes focused on a far hill. Wiggle, squirm, wriggle: then in an effort which splashed lube on the three girls, Esmeralda whinnied, shook her mane and was free.
"Whoopee!" Chuck exulted.
Mai inspected the sides of the stamping animal careful to stay away from the hooves and the unicorn's quick, happy capers.
"Whew, she's only a little scratched up. Gone in a couple days. Wait! Look!"
They looked at her sides. The lube and the scratches were visibly, quickly disappearing and leaving only beautiful, white unicorn.
"Free! Free!" Chuck yelled.
Esmeralda reared up with Chuck happily clinging to her back. Then she snorted and raced away over the fields behind the Ling's backyard and into the golden sunset.
"Chuck!" the three girls cried together. They ran in pursuit across a slowly rising field towards a distant ridge.
A couple hundred yards of running later Daria was surprisingly in the lead, Mai hampered by her flip-flops and Quinn in low heels and a long dress. Daria allowed herself to relish that for a moment as they pursued the rapidly receding duo into the sunset.
"Eep," Quinn exclaimed. Daria stopped and turned to see that her sister had fallen into a nasty patch of weeds. Mai helped her up.
"Go Daria." Mai commanded. "I'll help Quinn."
Daria's boots tramped on drawing closer to the ridge. Chuck and Esmerelda disappeared over it which made her somehow find more speed. The duo disappeared over the ridge just as she started up the grade.
Daria paused at the top and looked out over the flat lands before her. Mai and Quinn saw her silhouetted in the setting sun as they came up behind her. Mai was asking Quinn about the status of her tetanus shots as they stood on either side of Daria. The three looked out over the valley bathed in the setting sun and empty of unicorn or Ruttheimer.
Daria held out her hands and Mai and Quinn each took one. They stood holding hands silently for a time. A breeze stirred their hair. Then the beat a small helicopter came up behind them, approaching but still some ways off.
"What did you see, Daria?" Quinn found her voice.
"I saw…I saw a herd of beautiful, wild unicorns running free across the plains."
Daria paused and added. "And one Charles Ruttheimer III riding tall and proud in the lead."